Naina

I called and texted Zayne over and over, my heart pounding with anxiety, but there was no response.

Finally, I drove to the hotel closest to campus. It was past midnight, and I felt frustrated. Did Zayne not care about my safety? Could he not find thirty minutes to be with me? His wife?

I remembered how Advik had once come all the way to Mangalore to give me a hug when I had had a bad day. But that was Adi; everything he did was big - his love, his affection, his anger, his hurt.

I didn't want to go to Zayne's hospital in this state—it would only embarrass him, and I had promised him I wouldn't do that to him.

But his silence was choking me. I was unraveling, and I desperately needed Zayne to hold me together. I needed Zayne to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

"I need a room for tonight," I told the man at the lobby, feeling his gaze scan me from head to toe. I felt self-conscious under his scrutiny.

"Just you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Y-No, my husband will join me in a bit. He's late," I lied, not wanting him to know I'd be alone.

"We don't take bookings after midnight," he said, his tone firm.

"It's just five minutes past..." I started, but I quickly realized it wasn't worth the argument. It didn't feel safe, and my gut instinct urged me to leave.

I went back to my scooter and leaned against it, closing my eyes in frustration. I could look for a different hotel, or I could drive back to Mangalore. It was only an hour away, but the thought of riding alone in the dark, especially in my current state of mind, seemed impossible. The route from Manipal to Mangalore was fairly deserted and poorly lit. I didn't want to get into an accident or worse.

With a heavy sigh, I mounted my scooter. My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes and the wind whipped them away.

I would see Advik tonight. I would talk to him, and then decide what to do afterwards.

I knocked at the door and waited several minutes, but no one answered. I had brought my old key, unsure if he had changed it, but I figured it was worth a try.

To my surprise, it worked. I let myself in, my heart racing though I wasn't sure if I was feeling fear or anticipation. I quickly messaged Zayne:

Me: I'm at Adi's flat. I'm staying the night.

I had to let Zayne know. He was my husband, I owed him that.

When I opened the door to his room, a jolt of pain shot through me—physical pain, like someone had stabbed my heart. But no tears came.

I froze, taking it all in. The picture of him lifting me up after I had said 'yes' to his proposal, hung on his wall. Another photo captured in the library in our second year of medical college, where I was looking up at him over my glasses, sat on his nightstand. I had always hated that picture, but he had adored it.

And then there was the framed timeline I had made for his twenty fourth birthday with photos of the past and present transitioning into drawings of our future. It was supposed to have captured our story- from meeting to falling in love, graduating, getting married, having children, growing old, and finally dying—our graves side by side. I remembered ripping it in half after a fight, crumpling my drawings of our future together. But here it was, painstakingly stuck back together and framed. But our future, like in that timeline, was crumpled and broken.

I felt the walls of the room closing in around me. How had everything we built together fallen apart?

Panic rose within me and my breaths became shaky. I needed to get out of here. But how? Where would I go? Why was I here?

I knocked on the bathroom door and opened it, but it was empty. I quickly checked his roommate's side of the room, but there was no one there.

Maybe he was at work. Or maybe he was with a girl. Maybe he was at a party. The thought twisted in my gut, constricting my heart further. We used to share our locations, text each other through the day, call every night. Now, I didn't even know how to reach him. How did this happen to us?

"You know what soulmates are, Adi?" I asked him, lying on top of him, tracing his jawline with my index finger.

"Am I about to hear some nonsense story that's supposed to be romantic?" he replied, laughing, his eyes sparkling.

I narrowed my eyes at him, but he only grinned wider. In one quick movement, he shifted me below him, took my glasses off and placed them on the nightstand.

"Sometimes, when God drops a soul on earth, it breaks into two pieces and they go into two different bodies..." I began but before I could finish, he kissed me, cutting me off completely.

I counted my breaths, forcing myself to focus on the present. I was in Advik's room.

His space was a chaotic reflection of him; the bed was unmade, unwashed clothes were strewn across the floor, and gum wrappers littered his bedside.

Without thinking, I started cleaning up, just wanting to touch his clothes, to hold on to some piece of him.

I found his laundry basket in the same spot it used to be at. His washed clothes were piled on a chair. I folded them and placed them in his cupboard.

My eyes fell on the drawer where I used to keep my things. I squeezed my eyes shut before opening the drawer. There lay my lenses, my soare glasses, moisturizer, my strawberry body butter, my underwear, a bra, a set of pajamas, a dress; all folded and untouched. Just the way I had left them. I changed into my pajamas, just like I had done so many times before when I would visit him and he wouldn't have come home yet.

I wiped my glasses, which had fogged up somehow. Then, I picked up the broom and began to sweep the floor, trying to clear away the disarray.

That's when I found my prayer mat tucked under his bed. My heart did something wild and I felt my whole body shake. Confusion and regret overpowered me. Why did I marry Zayne? I belonged to Advik. I belonged with Advik.

Why had Allah given me health, wealth, and intelligence but withheld happiness. Why had He allowed me to love Advik so deeply? Why had He let that monster hurt Advik? Why hadn't He allowed him to heal, despite all his efforts?

Why had He let Advik hurt me and then walk away without looking back? Why had He allowed me to marry Zayne when I had never been ready to be anyone's wife but Advik's?

I prayed. For the first time in a long time, I prayed willingly. I remained in Sujood as my body was wracked with tears, sobs, and gasps for air. I shouldn't have come here. Nothing good was going to come out of this.

It was about two-thirty AM when I finally pulled myself off the floor. Advik wasn't coming back tonight.

I climbed onto his bed and pulled the blanket up over my head, enveloped in his scent. I knew this wasn't good for me, but I didn't care. I lay there, lost in a haze while my mind was assaulted by the memories of his words, his emotions, his touch.

Slowly, I succumbed to sleep, drifting into a restless slumber where dreams and reality intertwined.

The next thing I knew, my alarm rang, jolting me from a deep sleep. I woke up covered in sweat, disoriented and confused. I was in Advik's room, but what was I doing here? What part of my life was real? Had the last ten months not happened? Had Adi not hurt me? Or had that all just been a nightmare?

My hand instinctively went to my heart, where I felt the little heart pendant Zayne had given me.

"Thank you for emotionally healing me..."

My throat tightened as tears began to fall again. This was wrong. Zayne. I needed to go back to Zayne. I shouldn't be here.

I quickly got up, using my finger to brush my teeth with his toothpaste.  I then splashed cold water on my face. I opened the drawer and found my spare contacts. I put them in, then applied my tinted sunscreen and the lip stain from my bag, determined to look presentable for Zayne. He didn't need to see me as a mess every single time. I needed to make sure that Zayne and I were okay.

Just as I swung my backpack over my shoulder, I noticed the doorknob turning. My heart raced, and panic surged through me. My eyes stung and my breath hitched in my throat as the door opened.

My eyes found Adi's, and in that instant, the world shifted beneath my feet, just like it had the first time our eyes locked in that Anatomy classroom almost nine years ago. A large gust of wind seemed to leave my chest, sweeping away the air and the clarity that had come with the morning rays.

Advik looked just as stunned as I felt, his gaze taking in my face the way it always did—his eyes tracing every contour, every line, lingering not just on my eyes or my lips but absorbing every single detail of me.

He appeared taller somehow. Though he was over six feet tall and well built, his form had never felt as imposing as it did now.

I shivered as I met his gaze again. Why wasn't he saying anything?

"Adi..." I breathed, as I took a tentative step forward.

He stepped into the room, his eyes not leaving mine, and then he closed the door behind him with a soft click.

"Adi..." I cried, tears streaming down my face. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, shake him, hit him. I wanted to erase the time and space between us. I wanted to go back to when he loved me, when everything had been certain and uncomplicated—before he had hurt me. But I held myself back.

He stayed quiet.

I wiped my eyes.

I saw his gaze flicker to his bed, his chair, his laundry basket, and then back to me. He frowned.

"Won't you talk to me, Adi?" I asked, desperation creeping into my voice.

"Did you..." He shook his head, "Did you stay here?"

I nodded, trying to decipher his thoughts.

He sat on his bed, and rubbed his eyes. I leaned against the pony wall opposite him. The memories flooded back—so many times he had sat on that exact spot on his bed with me standing between his legs, sometimes lost in a kiss, but more often just sharing the mundane details of our days, our arms around each other. I shook my head violently, trying to force those memories out of my mind.

"Do you really not remember what you did that day, Adi?" I asked. I realized that this was the reason I was here—why I had returned to face him after all this time.

He shook his head, his eyes cast down, refusing to meet my gaze.

"I need words, Adi!" I shouted, my voice breaking in desperation. "I need you to tell me if you really don't remember what you did to me that day! What you did to us!"

He flinched at my words, finally meeting my eyes.

"Nia, I'm sorry," he said, the ache in his voice unmistakable.

"Why didn't you tell me? Did you really black out?" I paused, waiting for him to respond, but he simply stared at the floor.

"Why did you throw it all away? After everything... How could you throw me away like I was garbage?" I asked, my voice barely holding together amidst the hiccups that escaped me.

"Nia, please..." he begged.

"Tell me, Adi," I continued relentlessly, desperation clawing at my throat, "Why did you not try to fix things with me? Did you stop loving me? Is that it?"

He shook his head. I didn't know what to make of it, and that only fueled my frustration further.

"If you don't love me, then why do you have my pictures in your room? Why do you still have all my stuff? Why do you post about me?" I shouted, my voice rising with each question.

He remained quiet, opening and closing his fists.

"Do you feel anything for me at all? Did you ever feel anything for me? Do you even think about how I'm surviving without you?" I pressed again, the silence between us stretching painfully long punctuation only by my gasps for air. "You promised me that you would never let me go... why won't you even..." My voice broke, I was crying so hard, I couldn't speak.

"Nia, you are married. Go to your husband. You shouldn't be here," he said quietly.

I wiped my tears, anger coming to my rescue.

"You want me to go back to Zayne. You always wanted me to go to Zayne. I should have dated him when you had asked me to. Then I would've dumped you for good, and we wouldn't have had to go through all this drama," I said spitefully. During our second year of PG, Advik had asked me to take a break from him and date Zayne. He had said that I needed to put myself out there to know for sure what I wanted. I had been angry at the mere suggestion. 

I saw him swallow, his eyes wet.

"I had sex with Zayne," I shouted zeroing in on his moment of weakness. "Twice. And I enjoyed it."

I waited for a response. Any response. But he stayed quiet, looking at his hands.

"Doesn't it bother you? That Zayne gets to kiss your Nia, touch your Nia?" I didn't know why I was doing this to him. Why I was being cruel. I just knew I wanted some reaction from him. Sadness, anger, just something. Something to know that what we shared had been real.

But Advik just looked blank.

"I miss you with every breath that I take," I whispered, quoting him.

"Nia, go home. You're going to feel bad about this later," he said, finally looking at me. "Go to your husband."

How was he so composed? Did he really not care? Then why all this in his room? Why did he post those things on his Insta? Was it all just a game to him?

"I hate you!" I screamed at him. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!"

I was crying uncontrollably now. Why wasn't he holding me like he used to when I would be upset? Why wasn't he saying anything that would make me feel better?

I slid to the floor, curled up with my head between my knees, rocking back and forth. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop hurting. I wanted to die so I could just stop feeling like this.

I wanted my Adi back. I wanted everything we had back. I wanted to rewind to the moment before he hurt me and stop him. I wanted to warn both him and myself so that we could still be together.

"I'm going to shower and freshen up before heading to work. Take a minute to pull yourself together and go home," he said almost casually.

I looked up at him. I could always read his eyes, and as I searched them, all I found was confusion. And fear? I blinked. There it was, he was afraid. But why?

I wiped my eyes after a few moments. "Were you with someone last night?"

He didn't answer me but he also didn't look away.

"Are you sleeping around again? Or do you have a girlfriend?"

I was breathing normally now, but I was still on the floor. Why wouldn't he give me any answers? Had I become so irrelevant to him that I didn't even deserve a response?

I finally stood up and wiped my eyes, pursing my lips resolutely. I opened the drawer and took my things from it, stuffing them into my bag. "These are mine," I said, as if it even mattered to him. I took my picture off his nightstand and shoved it in my bag.

I swung my bag over my shoulder and opened the door. With my hand still on the doorknob, I took one last look at him, hoping he would say something—anything—that would have made this trip worth it.

But he crossed his arms over his chest and waited for me to leave.

Once I reached my scooter, I counted to three hundred before finally getting on and heading to Zayne's building.

I knocked at the door, but no one opened. I thought I heard some movement inside, but then there was nothing. I sat outside the door, silently weeping.

Seventy two hour shifts didn't mean that you worked for seventy two hours straight. It meant that you were on call and needed to be available. I didn't understand why Zayne couldn't find the time to just let me in. Why he couldn't have just met with me.

I didn't call him or message him. He had to come home to shower at some point or to pick up his clothes. I knew how much he hated staying at the hospital. He would come back. And I would wait till he did.

Hours later, Zayne's neighbor invited me in. I messaged Zayne.

Me: I'm outside your door... your neighbor is asking me to wait in her house. I hope that's okay with you.

Zayne's neighbor was kind. She offered me lunch when she heard that I hadn't eaten since breakfast the previous day. We chatted for a bit and then I dozed off on her diwan, the exhaustion taking its toll on me.

Finally, Zayne came in.

"Naina..."

My eyes found his the moment I woke up, and for a fleeting moment, everything felt like it would be okay. Zayne was here.

"Zayne..." I whispered, relief flooding my senses.

"Thank you for letting me rest here..." I told Lalitha aunty, sitting up and brushing my hair back.

"Next time, make some extra keys and give her!" Lalitha aunty called out as I picked up my backpack and followed Zayne out of her house.

Once we entered Zayne's flat, he sat on the couch with his head in his hands. He looked defeated. My heart sank—it was my fault he felt this way.

"Zayne?" I said gently, sitting next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"Do I need to know what happened last night?" he asked me, his tone calm and measured. Just a question—no presumptions, no accusations, no yelling.

My eyes filled with tears for the millionth time, shame settling heavily on my chest. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had betrayed him.

"I'll... I'll tell you about it later... please..." I begged.

More silence hung between us, thick and suffocating.

"Are you angry with me?" I finally ventured, my heart racing at his lack of response.

He said nothing, but I could see it in the tension of his shoulders and the stiffness of his posture: he was angry.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered, the words barely escaping my lips.

"I need to catch up on some sleep," he told me after a few minutes, his voice flat.

I followed him to his room, my heart heavy with dread. He went to the bathroom to change his clothes before lying down in bed. I slipped in beside him, craving the closeness of Zayne.

"I need space, Naina. I need to rest for a bit," he said, his words piercing like arrows. I deserved it.

I walked to the living room and waited for him, my heart in turmoil.

About an hour and a half later, he appeared in the living room.

"Shall I make some tea for you?" I asked, standing up in hopeful anticipation and smiling at him. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to do something to alleviate the guilt I felt.

But he shook his head. "I have to leave now."

"Shall I stay here tonight?" I asked, my voice trembling. I needed Zayne. I needed to him to hold me, I needed him to tell me that he loved me, that everything would be okay.

But he gave me a look filled with loathing, and my heart sank. "Zayne, please don't be angry with me," I begged as he made for the door.

"I'm not angry, Naina," he said, and with that, he closed the door behind him, leaving me alone in the silence.

I waited for him to come back all evening, my heart aching with every passing minute. Finally, I received a message from him at seven in the evening.

Zayne: Go back to Mangalore, Naina. I'm not going to be able to come home tonight.

Thank you for reading.

Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.