Naina

"You don't deserve my love? Or do you not want my love?" He raised his voice at me for the first time. Zayne never raised his voice, and both times now were my doing. I brought out the worst in the people who loved me. "I think you're just being stubborn. You're forcing yourself to hold onto him instead of trying to move on."

"It... It isn't like that..." I stammered, not wanting Zayne to be angry with me.

"Then what is it? That fucking asshole did everything that would make a sane person run in the other direction!" he said, his voice now steady and controlled. "You finally got out of it, but you're still holding on to him."

"Please stop calling him that!" I begged. Advik wasn't the monster Zayne and my family made him out to be. He had his demons, and he had worked on them. Not everyone had it easy in life.

"I'm going to do everything possible to become a better partner, Naina, I promise. I'm doing the rubber band thing that you suggested. Amma gave me Ammachi's rosary, and I'm chanting when I get angry. It's helping me calm down. I'm going to figure this out, Naina," Advik told me one day.

"I know you will, Adi. I'm right here with you."

"I owe you everything, princess, and I'll... I'll do anything for you. If I need to quit surgery and focus on my issues, I'll do it," he promised.

"Do you get mad at your patients, Adi? Or their families?" I was curious if his explosive behavior affected other aspects of his life.

Silence.

"No... Just you..." he admitted softly, his voice full of regret.

"Don't..." Zayne raised his voice again but stopped himself. He then sat down on the bench near the window sill and held his head in his hands.

"Zayne?" I sat next to him, placing my hand on his knee. He looked up, his eyes shining with emotions.

"Zayne..." I whispered, pulling him close and hugging him. I hated that I was hurting him. I was sure now that I had made a mistake. I had ruined Zayne's life, just as I had done Adi's.

"Let's just sleep," he said quietly. We lay apart from each other. For the first time since we had gotten married, he didn't try to hold me, and I missed his touch.

***

I woke up the next morning to the horn of the vegetable vendor and his familiar hawking, calling out the names of the vegetables he was selling for the day.

Zayne's hand rested on my shoulder as he slept. I smiled and nestled closer to him.

When he opened his eyes and saw me, a smile spread across his face. He leaned in and planted a quick kiss on my forehead before pulling me into his arms. "I'm sorry for getting mad yesterday."

"I deserved it. It was my fault," I admitted honestly. I could see it clearly now. He loved me, and I loved someone else. Yet, I had married him.

Zayne shook his head. "You're not responsible for my reactions to your actions."

His words resonated with me, and I met his gaze, feeling a silent exchange between our hearts.

"I have some paperwork to finish for work. It'll take me all morning. Shall we meet for lunch?" he asked, sitting up in bed.

"Yeah, I can head to the cafeteria and meet you there," I offered. I was familiar with the campus. His eyes met mine, and I understood what he was thinking. I knew my way around because I used to come here every other week to be with Advik.

"Come to the Food Court, opposite Southern Plaza," he instructed, and I nodded.

I spent the morning editing the story I had been writing about how I met Advik. I attempted to paint a picture of a slow-burning romance, from friendship to love. As I meticulously edited the story, I scrubbed away any identifying details and reshaped scenes, ensuring it was a delicate balance between fiction and reality.

While part of me yearned to share this story with the world, a pang of guilt tugged at my conscience. I couldn't bear to cause Zayne any more pain, especially if his family were to stumble upon it. So for now, I safeguarded it in an encrypted document.

At around 2 pm, I reached the Food Court.  I texted Zayne.

Me: I'm here. Wru?

The sights, the sounds, the smells-all felt achingly familiar, yet twisted in their familiarity. It was as though I'd been thrust back into my old life, but everything was distorted, like a cruel joke played by fate.

Advik was gone, and with him, the person to whom I'd surrendered myself completely. I struggled to catch my breath, tears streaming down my cheeks despite my efforts to distract myself with the surroundings.

Maybe this was what Advik had felt when consumed by anger or need- an utter loss of control, where everything else faded into insignificance except the object of his emotions. Just like how everything around me now faded into obscurity, overshadowed by the weight of my grief.

"Naina?" The voice stirred something within me, pulling me back from the abyss I'd fallen into.

"Aicha," I whispered, turning to face the girl Advik had once confessed he had been starting to develop feelings for. She had been an intern during my first year, and I hadn't expected to still find her on campus. She should have graduated by now. I blinked in surprise. Yet there she was, of all people to encounter in this moment.

I wiped away my tears, attempting to compose myself.

"Are you okay?" Aicha asked, her curiosity evident.

"Yeah, I just..." I struggled to find the words.

"You hang in there," she offered, her tone sympathetic. "I know it's hard." Her words offered a semblance of comfort. I nodded, regaining my composure. I wanted to inquire about Advik, but I held back.

"Advik is doing okay," she continued, as if sensing my unspoken question. "He's still coaching the girls' basketball team and he's been calling a lot of practices lately."

I remained silent, knowing that any attempt to speak would likely lead to another emotional breakdown.

"He still talks about you..."

I finally met her gaze.

"You asked me not to talk to Aicha because you weren't comfortable with our friendship. I respected your wishes and I stopped talking to her. Why are there different rules for you and me? I told you I am not comfortable with Zayne, but you continue to talk to him."

I swallowed hard.

"He still speaks highly of you. Every now and then, your name comes up in conversation. He really misses you... Are you two not planning to get back together?"

So she didn't know I was married. I swallowed again, words still unable to surface. It was as if I had lost my voice.

"Naina!" Siddhartha, Vaishak, and Hridya approached me.

"Slut."

"Shameless whore."

"Go kill yourself, bitch."

Their posts on my Facebook wall echoed in my mind.

Vaishak leaned in, his hands landing heavily on the arms of my chair. I felt a surge of panic as I met his gaze.

"I don't want to see your fucking face on this campus, got it?" he growled, his words laced with venom.

I felt bile rise in my throat.

"How did Advik get so lucky? Beauty and brains!" Vaishak teased, beaming at me.

"Do you understand?" he repeated, his face inches from mine.

I nodded.

"Vaishak, just leave the bitch alone," came Hridya's voice. "That cheating whore isn't worth it."

Vaishak backed away, his anger simmering.

Siddharth stood nearby, his hands in his pockets. I silently begged him with my eyes, to walk away, to just let me be. He had been Advik's roommate in first year, before Zayne and Samarth.

"You could have waited, Naina," his tone was gentle, despite his cutting words. "We had all heard the rumors about you and Zayne. But we believed you, because Advik believed you."

Tears started to fall down my face, my breathing becoming heavy once more, as my eyes remained fixed on Siddharth.

"Three months, Naina. What do you think that did to him? After being with you for what, six years? Seven years?"

His words were devoid of harshness, yet they cut through me the deepest. They were the closest to the truth.

"You could have been kinder, Naina," he continued. "He keeps your old wedding invitation in his wallet. I told him to throw it away, and do you know what he said?"

My tears flowed copiously now.

"I lost my wife. This is all I have left," he quoted.

With those words, he turned away and left. I placed my head on the table, sobbing uncontrollably. My loud gasps attracted attention from onlookers, but I didn't care. Aicha alone stayed by my side, awkwardly patting my back and murmuring, "It's okay," repeatedly.

After what felt like an eternity, Zayne arrived. I could barely see him through my tears. I heard Aicha and him talk, along with additional voices, but I didn't have the strength to look up.

"She'll be okay, I'll take her home. You carry on with lunch," Zayne said to someone.

"Are you sure? Do you need us to parcel something for you?" asked an unfamiliar male voice.

"I'll Swiggy something later. It's fine," Zayne answered.

I heard the screech of a chair. Aicha's hand left my back, and Zayne's replaced it. He silently stroked my back until I hiccuped and stopped crying.

"We'll go home. It's okay," he reassured me, but I couldn't move.

"You are going to sit up," he said softly but firmly, and I obeyed, still gasping rhythmically.

"Now, you'll hold my hand," he instructed, his voice calm and soothing. "Now stand up."

I stood beside him, surprised that my legs could still carry me.

"I'm right here with you. We are going to walk back to my apartment."

It was a kilometer away, and as we walked in silence, I gradually started to calm down.

I sat on the couch as soon as we entered his apartment. He got me a glass of water, for which I was grateful. He brought his laptop and placed it on the table in front of us.

"You and I know the truth. That's all that matters," he mumbled while logging in and opening YouTube. In a few seconds, he found what he was looking for: a compilation of comedy clips from Malayalam movies.

After several minutes, he was laughing, and I was smiling. Advik and I used to watch a lot of stand-up comedies, but we never really watched Malayalam movie clips.

Once we were done watching, I felt at a loss regarding what activities to do next. I wasn't in the mood to walk outside for fear of running into people I knew. I also didn't want to go for a movie, eat, or even go shopping like Zayne had suggested. Zayne had ordered lunch, but I wasn't hungry.

Zayne finally decided to play some music. It was a fast and catchy Telugu song. I looked at him. He was jumping along with the beat. It was so awkward, that I started laughing.

"Come on, join me," he said.

I remembered how I had done the same thing when he had had a bad day, ever so long ago. I smiled.

After a few beats, I joined him. We both jumped with the music, dancing awkwardly. Zayne sang along, but clearly did not know the lyrics. I laughed.

The song ended, but we continued 'dancing' to the next several songs. Finally, he played a slow number, he placed one hand on my waist and held my hand with the other. Our bodies kept a chaste distance, but I felt close to him. We moved along with the music, not exactly dancing, but swaying.

Eventually, he pulled me closer or I moved closer, I'm not sure, but we ended up pressed against each other.

"Naina, everything is going to be okay. God has a plan. And sometimes you just have to let things be," he whispered in my ear.

I rested my forehead on his shoulder, and we continued to sway from side to side.

"I love you, Naina. And I'm going to wait for you to heal. Until then, just think of me as a friend," he mumbled onto the top of my head.

I appreciated his words and the thoughtfulness behind them. It was as though he could see the guilt and confusion that I was feeling.

He kissed my ear, and I gasped in surprise.

"Well," he smiled. "A friend with some benefits."

I smiled. "Zayne..."

Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza