you know what? i already fell for you the first time we met.

and first everything was like a fairytale.
first you were all my firsts.

my first «i love you. i love you more than all my memories together, more than i thought i ever could. more than this life i'm living»
and yeah, it was too much, but i liked it anyways. it was just you.

you, my first girlfriend. the funniest girl on the planet, the one who loved so hard you couldn't do anything than do the same.

you showed me the lake. you showed me the beauty of the nature, of humans and of life.

you took me into those kitschy love movies and hold my hand. you showed me what love was. you showed me how to love.

and sometimes we stayed the whole night awake just to listen to music and talk about life.

life, future. you knew it all, you knew your forever wouldn't last. you knew it. and the reason wasn't me.

the reason wasn't that you were scared that i wouldn't be there the next day.

your reason was something i could have known. something i should have known, but i didn't and you told me «forever».
you told me about all your dreams. all the things we could do someday.

and then, still being all my firsts, then you broke my heart. you broke it into the tiniest splinters and you led me bleed, way more than i would've if i had jumped of the roof that day.

the roof. i've been so stupid. in all those weeks i never asked you why you were there. i just tried to forget that day and all the thoughts about it.

but i should've asked. i should've asked you why you were there that night and maybe you would've told me. told me that your were sick. deadly sick. maybe we could have done it together. maybe you wouldn't have broke my heart this much.

but you did. you just walked out of my life without saying goodbye.

and i understand that you didn't want to die like this. i understand that you wanted to decide how and when. but i can't understand why you did it like that.

well actually, i could understand it, i could but i don't want to.