Hongjoong wasn't sure he wanted to meet with Seonghwa just yet. After he'd just brought him into this mess, he had to convince him to step out. He couldn't risk Seonghwa's career for everyone else's. It wasn't fair.

He had started sticking his nose into this mess. He needed to be the one who went down if things went south.

But Seonghwa was so happy to be included. And he'd practically figured out the last piece.

He would have to come up with a reason to convince him to step out. He wanted to tell him the truth. But if he did, there was no way Seonghwa would let him take the blame.

He had to lie...again.

And it really fucking sucked.

But he needed to protect Seonghwa. No matter what. He knew they had said each other's careers always came first. But he'd been lying.

He meant Seonghwa's career came first. He meant Seonghwa came first.

He couldn't let anything get in Seonghwa's way. Not after what he'd already been through.

Finally he approached their bedroom, taking a deep breath. He opened the door.

Seonghwa was sitting on the bed, scrolling on his phone. Hongjoong walked over to the edge of the bed and took a seat.

He mentally prepared the speech he'd been reciting for the past hour.

"I think I should step back from the whole spy thing."

Hongjoong turned to face Seonghwa in alarm.

"What?"

"There's a lot of things they're saying that are hitting a little too close to home. I think it's better if I try to avoid them."

Hongjoong nodded slowly but panic rose up inside him. What had they said to him this time? Were they still trying to make their move? Maybe JYP was better than he'd given him credit for.

They hadn't known who they were dealing with.

"Okay. I'm sorry for putting you in that position, Hwa."

"It's fine. I think I just need to focus on preparing for the showcase."

So he was also considering staying.

Did he have a breakthrough on JYP's power too? Or were they really scaring him into staying? What had they said to him?

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Seonghwa set his phone down, turning to look right into Hongjoong's eyes.

"I only have one question."

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," Hongjoong stuttered, not expecting that response.

"The Rock Festival. Did you know?"

Hongjoong felt his blood run cold.

Fuck.

He didn't mean to figure out but JYP had mentioned it when they were talking to set up their auditions. He had made sure to mention that the only reason he was considering them was Wonderland's victory at the competition.

But he didn't want to tell Seonghwa since they'd agreed to never look.

But he couldn't lie.

"Not until recently—"

"Fuck, Joong. We agreed not to look!"

"I know! It wasn't intentional—JYP told me when I was going through the application process—"

"You could've just told me."

"I know, I'm sorry—I don't know, I just didn't want you to think I got cold feet and had to check."

"So it's better for me to find out later and realize you were hiding it all this time?"

"Hwa—"

"Fuck, Hongjoong. How many times have you left me in the dark? If you had just included me when you were looking into JYP I would've known, too. All of these things that I miss out on are because you never include me!"

"Seonghwa I'm so sorry! I really didn't mean—"

"Ever since we've combined our groups, you've been working to take the lead. We're supposed to be a team. We said we would be a team. So why do I keep missing out on everything?"

"I don't know. I don't know why I keep leaving you out I don't mean to—"

"But it keeps happening!"

Hongjoong bit his lip, feeling tears form in his eyes.

"Hwa...I'm so sorry...I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't want to keep leaving you out—"

"Then just stop! No one's making you do it!"

"I swear to God, I won't ever leave you out again. Everything goes through you first."

"You might as well just take the role from me. Everyone else seems to think you're the leader anyways. Eden didn't even give me a call."

Hongjoong reached forward to put an arm on Seonghwa's leg but he moved it away.

"Hwa, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I'm really fucking sorry. It won't happen again."

"Honestly I'm less mad at the spies. At least they have some reason for what they're doing. At least they're aware."

"Hwa, that's not fair. I've never done anything to take advantage of you."

"Would you have made it at JYP without me?"

Hongjoong pulled his hand back.

"Hwa, this isn't a competition. We're on the same team. This is why we never looked at the results."

"But you wouldn't. You lost. You wouldn't have gotten here if it weren't for me."

"Seonghwa, where is this coming from? I thought we were past this! Are you really going to go there?"

"I'm just saying, if anyone should have sole leadership, it's me."

Hongjoong stood, scoffing.

"Are you serious right now!? Seonghwa, I fucking love you but you're being an asshole! You seriously think I'm leaving you out because I think I'm better than you?? Would you really do that to me??"

"I wouldn't. But clearly you don't have a problem doing it."

"Hwa, I'm getting sick of your fucking accusations. You don't think I'm fucking aware that you're a way better performer than me?! You really think I don't realize that? Of course I know your value to this team! Of course I know you're the reason we're here! I remind myself of that every day!! But not because I want to be better than you! Not because I want to steal your power! I just want to be worthy. Worthy of you."

Seonghwa's defense started to crumble.

"Hongjoong..."

"Yeah, okay I said it! You're an incredible fucking performer and I have so far to go before I can ever compare to you. So maybe sometimes I forget to include you on things I'm so used to doing all alone. And maybe I didn't tell you about your victory because I worried you'd realize how much better off you'd be without me. I just want to prove how much I can be worth to you."

"Joong...I didn't mean...you're not..."

"Fuck, Seonghwa. You really don't think before you blow up. Jesus. I need to get some air."

Hongjoong stormed out of the room, heading for the staircase, running up the flights until he reached the roof. The chilly air hit his lungs as he flung open the door and he finally released the sobs that had been caught up in his throat.

"Fuck!" he yelled, hating that he needed to cry about it.

He hadn't expected Seonghwa to come at him like that. What the hell had Hyunjin said to push his buttons like that?? He'd thought Seonghwa was past distrusting him like that.

And of course his only fucking defense was admitting his insecurities.

He hadn't wanted to say any of that—hadn't even thought the words would ever leave his mouth.

But now they were out there. Seonghwa had heard it all. It was so embarrassing.

"Fuck," he whispered, wiping his face and turning to head back inside.

He knew Seonghwa had every right to be mad. But he was just as frustrated as Seonghwa that he kept messing up.

It felt awful knowing how much he'd done without talking to him first. He just wasn't used to having a partner. He'd spent his whole life being a leader. He was always the one who took charge, the one who put everyone else before himself.

He didn't mean to make Seonghwa feel like he was being used. He didn't mean to make him feel insignificant.

Everything he did was for Seonghwa.

Everything.

At least he wouldn't have to worry about Seonghwa getting involved in the spy situation anymore.