Practice didn't go smoothly at all.

Hongjoong was stuck worrying about Seonghwa and kept getting distracted, messing up his members.

"I'm sorry guys—alright, let's start Mist from the top. Everyone ready?"

"Hyung...you said we were doing Fireworks," Mingi hesitantly reminded him and Hongjoong nodded, quickly switching his music.

"Right! Right, sorry. Fireworks. Got it. Yunho, take us in."

He just couldn't get the image of that morning out of his head. Seeing how much weight Seonghwa had lost. And it was his fault.

He did that to him.

By continuously not paying attention to him when they were supposed to be a team.

By ignoring his request for space.

By fighting with him.

By pushing him away.

"Hyung? What tempo did you want?" Yunho asked, waiting for his cue.

"Right, sorry! One, two, three, four..."

The music faded away from him, into the background as his fingers felt the chords by memory.

How could he have hurt Seonghwa so much?

After all the time he'd spent trying to show him what it meant to be loved. He'd just shown him once again how much it hurt to lose.

Seonghwa had come so far for him. Before he'd brushed Hongjoong off entirely just because he was scared to get distracted. He was so tense all the time, so worried about losing everything he'd worked for.

And now here he was, risking his life for others.

Risking his entire career.

For Minho.

Hongjoong tried not to think about it.

Just because the person he saved was Minho, didn't mean that he saved him solely for that reason. Seonghwa would've done it for anyone.

At least...he would've done it for Hongjoong.

Wouldn't he?

Hongjoong's finger slipped and his guitar fell from his grip and slammed against his music stand, snapping him out of his head.

Everyone jumped, staring at him.

"Everyone, let's take a fifteen minute break," Jongho said and everyone nodded, giving him and Hongjoong some space.

Hongjoong gingerly grabbed the neck of his instrument, checking for scratches.

"Hyung...did you sleep at all last night?" Jongho asked, approaching him.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm just not used to running everything by myself I guess," he laughed but his heart wasn't in it.

How could he possibly be mad at Seonghwa for saving someone?? Was he really that jealous? Would he stoop so low as to wish he'd been the one who almost fell?

"Hyung?"

"What did you say? Sorry, I'm a little spacey today," Hongjoong smiled in embarrassment.

"I said, is it about Seonghwa hyung?"

Hongjoong looked him in the eye, not expecting him to be so direct. He looked away.

"You know we don't have to practice without him. We can wait until he's better before we run through everything."

"No, we can't afford to hold off on practices. We've only got a week until we have to perform our big audition for JYP."

Jongho stared at him blankly.

"Our what now?"

Hongjoong's eyes grew wide.

"Shit. I didn't tell you guys?"

"No!?"

"I'm sorry! Fuck! I'm the worst fucking leader!"

Hongjoong slammed his fist against the music stand, rattling it. Jongho flinched.

"Hey, we'll figure it out. We're a good band. We can still do this. But I think you need to take a walk. I'll run rehearsal. Go cool off, okay?"

His eyes flashed with intensity and Hongjoong nodded, feeling pathetic.

"Yeah. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm a fucking disaster today."

"It's okay. You're just really worried about Seonghwa hyung."

Hongjoong grabbed his guitar and put it in its case before heading out of the practice room. He tried his best to keep a cheerful expression as he passed the rest of his members in the hallway but he felt on the verge of tears.

He couldn't even run one practice without ruining everything. How had he ever managed an entire band alone?

Finally he'd turned the corner and the tears started falling. He turned into the first practice room he could find and locked the door, leaving the lights off.

Was he really that upset about Seonghwa saving Minho? He had just been doing the right thing. It didn't help that Hongjoong still hadn't recovered from the kiss...

The way Minho was looking at him.

He meant it.

He knew he couldn't see Seonghwa's face but to
Minho, it was real. Somewhere inside his heart, he still had feelings for Seonghwa. Even after everything he'd done to him.

And that made it so much worse.

Hongjoong tried his best to stifle his tears in case someone walked by. He wasn't trying to get any sympathy. He knew how fucked up he was.

It just seemed like Seonghwa might feel the same way. If Minho still had such a hold on him...

"H-Hongjoong?"

Hongjoong jumped, not expecting to hear another voice in the dark room.

"Who—who's there?"

Silence filled the room.

"It's Felix. Welcome to my secret hiding spot," he laughed but Hongjoong could tell it wasn't a happy one.

Hongjoong's eyes had adjusted to the dark and he could see Felix sitting cross-legged in the far corner of the room so he moved to sit by him.

"Sorry for invading your hiding spot," he laughed.

"It's alright. I never thought to lock the door. I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I have a mental breakdown."

The two laughed together before returning to a calm silence.

"I heard about Seonghwa. How is he?"

"He's alright. I just...can't help but feel a little guilty..."

"Minho told me. About everything. At first I didn't want to hear him out. Not after he told me what he did to Seonghwa. And then the kiss...and everything with the ledge. I never knew he was having such a hard time. I always thought he was just less worried than the rest of us. He never showed it."

"Yeah. He hides being a douchebag pretty well."

Felix elbowed him.

"Hey. He's still my friend. So watch yourself."

"Just because he's your friend doesn't mean he's not a douchebag."

"I know, but only I can call him that."

Hongjoong laughed.

"I see. Sorry."

"No worries. We were all pretty mad at him for a while. Now no one knows what to say. They're all taking it pretty hard. Han especially. And Chan...he really pushed him. He feels like he's the reason he got so stressed out in the first place."

"I'm pretty sure it was Seonghwa randomly coming back into his life that stressed him out so I wouldn't worry yourselves too much."

"He was part of it. But Han said he's been really tightly wound for a while now. Long before you guys got here. I think it was the stress of making it. You know, after what he did to get here."

"Yeah. Are...him and Jisung...okay?"

Felix shook his head.

"They still haven't talked. I worry about Han. I think he's starting to really beat himself up about everything."

"Well he shouldn't. Because clearly Minho was just as awful to him as he was to Seonghwa," Hongjoong snapped and Felix turned to face him.

"I know you're mad, but the Minho you heard about and the Minho I know aren't the same person. You're pushing this old identity on him and his past is part of the reason he's been so out of it lately. He just wants to move on."

"Well he shouldn't! Seonghwa didn't get to just move on with his life! He was stuck in a rut for years before he built himself back up and threw himself into his work! Just to be brought down once again by that bastard!"

"Hey! That's enough. You're yelling at the wrong guy. Take it up with him if you have to. But I won't hear any more of it."

Felix seemed pretty upset so Hongjoong quickly dialed it down.

"Sorry. He just...he really hurt the person I care most about."

"But that was almost 6 years ago. He's changed. And yeah, he's going through a rough patch right now but...so are you."

Hongjoong felt a bit surprised at the direct jab but he couldn't deny it. He wasn't himself. He hadn't been since the band had joined together. Everything had changed so fast and he'd been so focused on making it work that he'd forgotten about what it meant to be a leader for his members.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Do you want a hug?"

Hongjoong shook his head.

"I'm not much of a hugger, but thank you."

"I think you could use one," Felix grinned, putting his arms out.

"No, pleas—"

Suddenly, Hongjoong was wrapped in pure sunshine as Felix's hug engulfed him. He'd never felt so relieved by a physical gesture before.

He'd really needed it.