Florida: Dad? I can't sleep. There's a monster in my closet.
Roman, reaching into the closet: That's silly, there's no such thing as mo- OH GOD IT'S TEARING MY ARM- Just kidding, he only eats kids, goodnight.

Roman, trying not to laugh: Dave?
Dave: I'm so glad we spent time and money picking out stuffed animals for Florida and now he's choosing to carry around a lemon instead

Dave: Sex is good but and all but have you ever vacuumed up a bunch of tiny LEGO pieces your kids refused to put away?

Utah: Wake up
Kayleigh: It's too early
Utah: It's time for church
Kayleigh: Is God even awake yet?

Utah: it's finally my daughter's birthday, after 364 days of me telling her it's not her birthday

Dave: No, we can't afford a dog and neither of you could take care of it
Also Dave, five minutes later: [asleep with the dog sleeping on his chest]

Florida: Look what I found!!
Dave: Oh my god is it dead??
Florida: [lifts the cat]
The cat: [wakes up immediately]
Dave: Oh
Florida: Can we keep it :D