Do you know what it feels like, to have to wait for something so important?

Maybe your friend got heart surgery, and you were waiting for the doctor to tell you if he made it through. Or maybe the father you haven't seen in 5 years said he would be there at 10:45, and it was 2:57.

That's how I feel. I have been sitting in this room for 5 days. I haven't bothered to move. I was just wondering if Jason was okay. Wouldn't he have come back on the day I left? Obviously not. I know something happened to him, but the boys won't tell me. I won't eat, I won't sleep. I just wait. When you are waiting, time doesn't pass as quickly, does it? A minute seems like an hour, and an hour seems like a day.

It's is all too much.

Every second of every day I look at the door that sits in front of me. I stare at it, waiting for it to open, to reveal the man that I have come to love. Every time it opens, it is Ryan telling me I need to move.

I won't.

I refuse.

I can't function. They all tell me this isn't what Justin wants, that they have been speaking with him, but I know they haven't. I can see through them, their lies. I guess being around Justin helps you hide your emotions, but at the same time can help you see through a blank face.

And that is what I wear. A blank face. Ryan, Chaz, Kyle, and Mike can't see through it. They can't see my thoughts. They can't see my pain. They can't see my suffering, and I think that is the way it is meant to be. I would rather have all this suffering myself then add it to other people.

And I guess that is just part of who I am. I would rather take all the pressure, stress, and depression then share it with everyone else. I would rather see everyone happy then everyone sharing the same sad feeling.

And I believe that Justin knows. He knows that if he doesn't come back, my life will be a living hell. He knows that no matter how much I tell him I hate him, or how many evil glares I could give him, I would never wish this upon him. I would never want him dead, he knows that. He's poison, a drug, and as much as I hate it, I can't let it go. He's toxic. I'm slowly turning insane. My ribs are showing. I am beginning to twitch every now and then. I can feel my heart slowing down as I speak.

I won't eat until I see Justin. I won't sleep until I see him.

Why?

Because I know he is somewhere suffering. A hospital, maybe in another gang's basement. I know he isn't eating, bathing, or sleeping. I can feel it. Just as he can feel me.

I don't want him to think that I am happy because I am not. I want him to know, that what he is going through, I am as well. And I pray, at 11:11 pm every night he can feel it too. He can feel my pain as I feel his.

I wish I could take his pain away, but I can't. I can't do anything. The only person who can do something is Justin. The boys can't save him. And I was dumb enough to put myself in such a state where I can't save him either. Justin must do this himself. And as I look over at the clock, I see it is 11:11 pm.

I sit on the side of the bed, head down, and hands together. This is the only movement and speaking of any kind I do throughout the day. God, as I bow to you, I pray that nobody goes through what I must. I pray that everyone has a happy life, has wealth, food, and shelter. I believe that nobody should go through the pain I do. I pray that nobody loses their family and friends because their lover has stolen them. But most of all I pray that Justin will walk through that door, and embrace me. I pray that he never leaves my side. Please god, I beg of you, that this night, will be the night of his return. Please forgive me for my sins.

Amen