tw// panic attack, implied self-harm

Nico's PoV:

I was surprised when Will came back from talking to Jenny so fast, but even more so when I saw the look on his face. Jenny's held an identical expression.

What did they say to each other?

Albeit it was closed, Jenny kept fiddling with the notepad. It seems like the answer is held within there.

"Uh, Hazel, may I speak to you?" Jenny casted a glance at Mulligan, and he seemed to notice and read whatever she said in the look.

"Sure." Hazel nodded, and off they were to the kitchen.

"So," Mulligan began, "let me guess. You're eighteen?"

Will looked frozen in time, yet he nodded.

Mulligan inhaled. "Well, then."

"I'm confused," I said. "What's the problem with him being eighteen?" I directed my question towards Mulligan.

"The problem, Nico, is that Will is legally an adult, and that means if he did do. . . Damage, to Hades, he could press charges, and Will could. . . Will could go to jail."

It was like a slap in the face. I'm sure I looked like a fish out of water, gaping at Mulligan. "B-but. . . He didn't do anything wrong! He was just. . ." Protecting me. This is your fault.

I saw Mulligan's mouth move but I didn't hear much. His voice sounded distant, like I was underwater. He couldn't reach me. No one could. My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes.

Not here. Not in front of them.

I started to turn but stumbled and fell on my knees, dizzy, chest heaving. I could understand vague yelps presumably coming from Mulligan and Will.

This is all your fault. If you would've stayed quiet, none of this would've happened. Will is going to go to jail because of you.

My mouth was suddenly dry, even after all the water I drank. My throat was closing. My heart raced at what I was sure had to be 120 miles per hour, and my skin felt warm and flushed, like I was sweating. I can't breathe. I'm dying. This is what dying felt like, right? I have to be dying.

You deserve to. After everything you've done, you deserve to die.

I clutched my chest. I could practically feel my heart jumping out of it. It's going to stop. It's going to beat so fast that it's going to overwork itself and stop beating and I'm going to die I'm dying I can't breathe I need to breathe but I can't help me oh god what do I do I'm dying.

Through my blurry vision I could see someone appear in front of me. Who? Who would want to see me? Why is someone here? They're going to make fun of me, aren't they?

I looked back down to the floor, my world spinning. I can't see. I can't breathe. What do I do? What can I do?

Nothing. You are capable of nothing. Just die.

"Nico," someone said softly. I can't. I can't breathe. I'm dying. Let me die. "Nico, it's okay."

Really? It doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm about to die. I am about to die. Oh, god, I'm going to die in front of everyone and embarrass myself and maybe if I could breathe I wouldn't but my heart is racing so fast and a heart isn't supposed to go that fast so even if I could breathe I'm dying because of my stupid heart, stupid fucking hea—

"Breathe, Nico. It's going to be okay. You can get through this. Look at me," someone said and pulled my head up. That's. . . That's Hazel, isn't it? "That's right. Try to copy my breaths, okay?" She inhaled through her nose for four seconds, held her breath for seven, and exhaled for eight. She continued doing this until I slowly copied her.

Don't. You don't deserve to breathe. You don't deserve to live.

She kept looking at me, telling me how good of a job I was doing.

She's lying. They're all lying. You can't do anything good. It's all a lie.

"Concentrate on breathing," Hazel insisted, as if she could read my thoughts. "Stay in the present. I know it feels scary, but you're in no danger."

That's not true. There's always a chance of danger. You trusted Will and look at what happened.

In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight.

You're going to regret this. You know what happens when you don't listen to us.

"Good job, Nico," Hazel said. "I'm so very proud of you," she whispered.

I felt my heart begin to slow. Was it really going very fast in the first place? Hazel stares at me, searching my face. "Tell me what you need now?"

I tried swallowing. My mouth was still relatively dry. "W-water," I attempted to whisper. Hazel seemed to understand and cast a glance to her left. That's when I remembered that there were three other people in this room. Three other people who had seen. . . Fanculo.

They had seen me. Everyone saw me in one of my weakest moments. I'm so stupid. All I had to do was go to the bathroom, that's it. If I had made it to the bathroom, no one would have seen anything.

Someone handed Hazel a cup of water, and she held it out to me. Instead of taking it, I stumbled to my wobbly feet and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door.

Once safely locked inside, I ignored the protests of everyone outside and slid down to the floor. I can't believe I allowed myself to be so weak in front of people. I can't manage to do one thing. I can't do anything.

I didn't realize I was crying until I tasted the salt. They came fast and hard and once I started I couldn't stop. Every memory came back like a planned attack. I need it to stop. I need to make it stop.

There's only one thing for that, and you know what it is.

They're right again.

Standing blindly, I opened the kitchen cabinet. Pulling out the relatively tiny black box, I reached inside and pulled out the razor.

Yes, I know what happens when I don't listen to them.

We come back twice as hard.

-

When I'm done, the others had already stopped trying to get in. The only noise that implies anyone's even there is the quiet murmuring.

I can't face them. Not after that. There's no way I could step out there and even try to put on a brave face. Everyone will know what I was doing.

Especially Will.

He going to be so disappointed. He doesn't know I started again, does he? Well, now he does. I just hope he didn't get his hopes up just to be so brutally disappointed. I've already hurt him enough for one day.

A knock shook me out of my thoughts. "Nico, everyone else has left," said Hazel. "You can come out."

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. It needed to happen eventually. At least it was just Hazel. Before losing my nerve, I stood up and opened the door. Hazel stood in front of me.

"Are you okay?" She asked genuinely. "You didn't need to hide away."

"I'm fine," I said stiffly. "I just— I needed time alone. It's been a long day."

Hazel looked hesitant, then nodded. "Of course."

I swallowed. "So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Nope," Hazel said immediately. "Not today. You already had a panic attack, it won't do any good to have another."

I exhaled. This is the type of person Hazel is. A considerate, sincere person who cared about people more than said people cared for her. She should have had a good final two years of high school, but instead I dragged her into my mess. She doesn't deserve this. Will doesn't deserve this. Sometimes, like right now, I dream of a world where Hades wasn't Hades. Where I could've had a relatively normal childhood, and no one could get hurt because of me. Where I could be an average teenager. That will never happen.

"Thank you, Hazel," I whispered. "You're a really fottuto great person."

"I hope that means something good," she said, half-jokingly.

I smiled softly. "Don't worry. It does."

Hazel laughed. "We should find something to eat," she suggested, and I realized how hungry I was.

"Good idea."

She looked around and gestured to the alcohol bottles and trash littered around. "And then I'll start cleaning up."

"I'll help you," I found myself saying. Of course I will, it would be horrible of me to make her do all the work.

"Thanks." Hazel nodded firmly. "Come on." She beckoned me to the kitchen, and I followed.

-

The next day I didn't really feel any better. I woke up feeling like I had just come out of a coma, which, in fact, I have.

The fact that it was Thursday lingered in my mind as a rolled over and buried my face in my pillow. I don't feel like school. I don't feel like life.

An image of Will filled my head. Will attempting to become my friend in September. Will laughing at Leo's or Jason's or whoever's joke. Will kissing me when I woke up from the coma. Will standing over Hades' bloodied face, having just pushed Persephone to the ground.

A shudder ran through me. Yeah, going to school doesn't sound good right now. And why should I? It's my senior year, it's not like it'd matter. I don't plan on going to college, either.

As I was about to decide, a knock came from outside my room. Hazel. I forgot about Hazel. I sat up just as the doorknob turned.

Hazel peeked her head in, brightening and taking a step forward when she saw me awake. "Good morning, Nico!" She exclaimed. "How did you sleep? How are you feeling?"

"Morning," I said first, Hazel's eager eyes looking as if she was expecting something from me, making me feel a bit jittery. "I'm fine, Hazel."

Which wasn't a complete lie. I did feel fine, but hollow. Like a part of myself was missing. Something has always been missing since Bianca and Mama.

"Good, good," Hazel said, smiling. "Are you going to school?"

I hesitated. I really don't want to. But yet. . . I need to apologize.

"Yeah. I think I am," I said finally.

"Great! Get ready, then." I nodded and Hazel shut the door with a soft click.

I stood up and took a shaky breath. No backing out now.

-

Hazel and I began walking to school quietly. The sun is peeking out from behind the clouds, birds are chirping. It would be a good day for a normal person.

"Nico, before we get to school. . ." Hazel slowed. "I think I should tell you what's happening."

I had a lump in my throat, so I nodded.

"Right now, there really isn't much to do," Hazel started. "Hades is still in the hospital and it could be a couple weeks until he's well enough to be suing people. Unless he's really devoted to it, Will should have a little bit to have a word with his parents and maybe get a lawyer on hand. If Hades does end up taking him to court, it'd be labeled as an adult case, meaning because Will is eighteen, he has a big disadvantage, especially since he threw the first punch. Even if we told the court about the abuse, there's a chance they'd still take Hades' side. If he doesn't sue, then, saves time and money for a lot of people. We would, of course, still figure out a way to get him in prison. But, for now, that's all we really know."

Something in my chest tightened. This is all because of me. I had to get him involved in my business and now he's paying. Of course.

"Nico, I want you to know that he doesn't blame you. He'd tell you that too." She looked at me, head to the side. She reached out to touch my shoulder but I shook my head, hugging myself.

She and Will could say it for years but I'd still know: this is my fault.

Hazel stayed silent. Not soon enough, I see the school building in sight. The familiar place sent a jolt of shock through me. It felt like I hadn't been here in months.

We walked up the steps together and Hazel turned to me. "I'll see you during lunch?" She asked.

I nodded softly. "See you."

She stared at me for a few moments and then continued to walk forward into the building.

I took a deep breath and did the same. As soon as I walked in, I was hit with how much I didn't miss this. Hallways. People. Class. Bathrooms. School.

The hall is about half as full as it'd be at the end of the day. There's students going to their locker, friends following, students arriving and seemed to be leaving. I shouldered my way through the crowd, regretting my decision to come. Why would someone choose this over their room?

Exactly. No one would.

Why is there so many people today? I'm sure it wasn't this full the last time I was here. Why did Hazel leave me? We could've walked to class together. Albeit we're not in the same class, but she could've walked me to mine.

I immediately shunned myself. She just got here a few days ago, and she's gonna walk me? She probably doesn't really remember how to get to her class.

I sighed and found myself in front of my first classroom. Here goes nothing.

I stepped inside, scanning the room. A few people glanced up and seemed shocked to see me but most just ignored me. My teacher, Mrs. Elgort, looked up from her desk and I could read the surprise in her eyes. She followed my gaze to my seat and then came the realization: Will is in this class.

He was wearing a black hoodie I hadn't seen on him before. His head was hanging low, almost on top of his desk. I couldn't really see his face, and I was almost glad. Then the panic gripped hold of me and I was frozen, staring at the motionless form of Will's body. I thought I was prepared to see him, but not in my first class. Lunch. That was the plan.

Almost as if sensing me watching him, he raised his head and locked eyes with me. I had forgotten just what an assault Hades had done to his face. My hands tightened on my backpack straps. Once he seemed to register that it was me, he stiffened all over. The color drained from his face.

My mouth went dry as I tried to do something, say something. But nothing happened as he stood up and silently walked past me, straight out of the classroom.

-

Lunch couldn't come sooner. I desperately needed to get out of class, where I was stuck listening to a teacher drool on and on or simply ignoring them and getting sucked into my thoughts.

I hadn't seen Will since that morning. I don't know if he skipped school completely or just the class. I don't know what he's thinking, or how he feels. I don't know anything right now. I regret coming to school immensely, and can't wait until it's over.

"NICO!" Someone shouted, and I realized I had already reached the cafeteria.

I was suddenly crushed in a hug. I began to squirm out of the touch but calmed slightly when I noticed that it was Jason.

But it wasn't just him. Percy, Annabeth, Piper, Reyna, Frank, Leo and Calypso followed closely behind, grinning. Shame filled me— I had completely forgotten about my friends.

"Oh my God, Nico! You're awake, you're here!" Piper gushed.

"Yep, it's me." I weakly threw my hands up as an attempt of jazz hands, but it failed miserably as my heart was not in it.

Piper paid no mind and pulled me into a suffocating hug. Everyone else followed soon after and once finished I felt more drained than I had before I made it into the cafeteria. I love my friends, but I don't love physical contact nearly as much.

While Reyna pulled away from a quick but firm hug —I feel like she gets the whole touching thing— I spotted Hazel making a beeline towards us, Will some distance behind. Hazel had her face set determinedly and Will stared glumly at the floor.

My heart dropped. Although I was what you could only describe as glad he didn't skip school, I'm still not sure I'm prepared for the confrontation that's bound to come.

They immediately sat at the group's usual table, barely sparing a glance towards us. Hazel leaned forward from her seat across Will, murmuring with her hand on his.

Even if they didn't seem to notice us, Leo noticed them.

"Hey, Will!" Leo shouted, and the group simultaneously all turned their heads to the table. They moved as if one to the table, taking seats.

"The gang's all here!" Jason cried, falling short when he saw his face.

"Wait, what happened to your face?" Frank asked the question everyone had on their mind, pressing forward to get a closer look. Will's eyes shot to the side and he shrugged.

"Oh-kay," Calypso drew out, sharing a look with Annabeth.

"What's up, Will?" Leo asked through a mouthful of food. The group all seemed to ask the same question with their faces.

Will's eyes glanced around everyone elses and lingered on mine. My hands shook from underneath the table. He could easily just tell them everything that happened. Finally, he locked eyes with Leo.

"Some ass jumped me yesterday on my way home," he lied easily, planting a smile on his face.

Reyna whistled. "Damn."

Will nodded curtly. No one said anything for a while. However convincing Will may be, I'm sure they were still suspicious of his story. Hazel seemed to stare at Will expectingly, Will avoiding her gaze.

"Ooh! Wise girl, we didn't tell them about the place," Percy piped suddenly, wiggling his brows. Annabeth brightened.

"Oh, right!" Annabeth turned to us. "Ever since what happened at Ice Scream, Perce and I have been looking for a new. . . Hangout, if you may," she said, a smile broadening her features. "And we've found the perfect place!"

That sparked interest in me. It's only been, what, six days since what happened and they've already found somewhere?

"Cool, we should go after school!" Calypso said.

"Yeah, definitely!" Jason agreed.

Everyone else did the same, me with some reluctance and Will not at all because Hazel accepted for him. Odd.

"Leo, can we use your dad's car?" Annabeth inquired.

Leo was nodding before she finished the sentence. "I thought you'd never ask," he said, a wicked smile on his face.

As long as Jason doesn't drive again, I thought, and smiled to myself, despite everything.

---

let's pretend thanksgiving isn't real ,,,

(also– sorry about the tenses changing more often than my mood)

edit:
i just realized,,,,,, i made it seem like the 7 and co hadn't seen nico since he had gone to the hospital,,,,,,,, i forgot that they had,,,,,,,,,, im an actual idiot and idk why people are still reading this