⚠️ Warning: The scenes in this chapter contain scenes depicting tragedy, relapse, slight mention of self harm, and mental illness/self hate. If affected, please read with caution. ⚠️

~~~~~

*Mallory*

It was big news. The world seemed really happy for me and Nikki.

Many of our close friends and other family members congratulated us and we have already even gotten some baby gifts from some people as well.

Its been almost 2 weeks and Nikki and I decided to start plans for the nursery. We picked one of the spare guest rooms for it and decided to go from there and start planning.

"Red?" I asked, looking at the color template card he picked out with me at Home Depot today as I laid in bed.

We picked out a few to debate over, each of us picking our own colors.

"Well, we aren't exactly sure if its a boy or a girl yet," he shrugged, sitting  next to me as the other color cards scattered between us. "Plus, red works for everyone."

"Well, yeah, but it just seems too vibrant for a baby's room... Especially a shade called Red Delicious..." I said, giggling.

"Okay, good point," he said with a small laugh.

"Why not something neutral, like cream or beige? Both work well with either pink or blue," I said, pointing at the soft beige shade I picked out.

He thought about it. "Yeah.... Okay, oh, how about this grey one? Its neutral, too, and if everything is a light color, it can fit great either this pink one or... this blue one here...... See?" he said, getting the light grey, light pink, and light blue templates. "The colors make it all stand out nice."

"Aww yeah, I like that! And we can use the stencils and borders we saw, too," I smiled.

"Yeah," He smiled, collecting the three cards and handing them to me before starting to clean up the other cards. "Alright we got that settled. We can go buy the paint and supplies tomorrow morning."

"Awesome. Let's also stop by and look at some cribs," I smiled as he the colors aside on his nightstand and climbed into bed, kissing each other good night.

He then leaned down and kissed my baby bump, making me giggle before we got settled into bed. Soon, we both dozed off in each other's arms.

***

I groaned as I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen that woke me up .

I shifted in bed as I held my stomach on, and groaned as I held my stomach, sitting up, and that's when I realized the pain was too familiar

No... No, it... It can't be....

I sat up, feeling more pain and whimpering from it as I turned on the lamp and pulled the covers off, my heart dropping to my stomach.

No.... No no no no no no......

"N-Nikki," I said, nudging him awake. "Nikki, w-wake up..."

"Hmm.... Wha...?" he murmured, turning around. "W-What's wrong?"

"I'm bleeding," I said in a shakey voice. "I-I'm bleeding.... O-Oh god...."

He frowned and sat up, his eyes widening in horror before he quickly jumped out of bed, grabbing the phone and calling an ambulance.

"Hello, please, w-we need an ambulance," he said urgently. "My wife, she's bleeding out, o-our baby....."

I was actually feeling cracks in my heart.... I was feeling the walls cave in..... And then that's when I just got that feeling....

No.... Please......

***

I laid in the hospital bed on my side, hugging my legs as I felt the dull pain in my abdomen being numbed by an anesthetic they gave me, my face drenched in tears as Nikki sat nearby, Dr. Langdon's words on a loop in my head, confirming my worst nightmare...

"I'm sorry, but, you unfortunately miscarried.... Its usually rare to do so before reaching the 20th week of pregnancy, but in your case, your body just wasn't able to continue due to your condition.... I'm sorry, Mallory...."

Considering how much the fetus had grown, they also had to perform an operation where they had to remove whatever was left of our baby from inside of me.

I was gonna be here for a few days, possibly almost a week, but was still looking at a long month of abdominal pain, heavy bleeding, and possibly a fever...

My back faced Nikki as I laid in bed, because I couldn't bear to face him, yet I knew he was almost as broken as I was, if not more.

Four months... Four hopeful months, and it all just falls apart... It all just vanishes.... Wilts...... Disappears.....

It hurts worse than when I lost Razzle's baby, because this time I knew I was pregnant... And I had hope..... I was so sure.... We both were.....

And Nikki..... God, he was so excited and happy..... He was really looking forward to this, and now.....

I then hear Nikki slowly stand up and seconds later the bed sunk near my side and Nikki's strong hand gently caresses my shoulder.

"Mal.... Mal, this.... This isn't your fault..." he said in a shakey voice. "Okay, this isn't on you.... Its not your fault, Mal....."

I sniffled and turned around, seeing his eyes red and watery, meaning he was crying.

"I-It hurt the first time, but... But this time, I was.... I was really hoping i-t would be a second chance......" I whimpered. "I-I really believed it...."

He gave me a pained look before leaning down, pressing his forehead against my shoulder, an arm around me as I broke down again, clinging to him as I sobbed uncontrollably, the heart monitor starting to speed up....

Why.... Why did this have to happen to me.... To us...?

*More than a week later*

*Mick*

Tommy knocked on the front door and we waited.

We were told of what happened, and eventually the news spread.

Mallory was in the hospital for a whole week. Unfortunately, she had to stay an extra day in the hospital after having a complete mental breakdown not too long after everything, where she had to even be sedated for a bit. Nikki, who had never left her side at all, had called me to also be there, as well as to get Jack to Tommy's place and bring some clothes for them.

That was almost a week ago..... I was the only other person who saw her and Nikki since then. 

The hospital where Mallory worked also let her take as much time off as she needed. 

Nobody could even begin to imagine what she was going through. Both she and Nikki were really hopeful for this baby, and everything was going so well, nothing bad ever came up in any tests and Mallory followed her OB/GYN's instructions almost religiously.

We considered holding a little private funeral for the baby, but don't know if it was going to do more damage than good.

The door opened and Nikki emerged, looking... Terrible.....

He hasn't slept at all... Probably hasn't eaten either..... Then again, who could blame him...

"Hey man..." Tommy said quietly.

"Hey guys..." Nikki said, his head down.

"Nikki, we are so sorry...." Sharise said. "We know how you and Mallory were so excited for this baby...."

"We wanted to check up on you two..." Vince said as then Heather held up the two food dishes she made.

"And bought some meals for you guys... Figured cooking wouldn't exactly be the first thing on your minds," she said.

Nikki gave us a sad smile as he let Heather place the food plates in his hands. "Thanks guys... Come on in..."

We walked into his house as he lead us to the living room.

"Where's Mallory?" Sharise asked, looking concerned.

"In the bedroom... If you and Heather want to see her, that would mean a lot. She's barely eaten since we left the hospital, and won't really talk to me.... Some girl time could help," Nikki shrugged as he placed the food dish on the counter.

They both nodded. "Of course... We can watch over her," Heather assured, and they headed upstairs.

I then looked over and spotted on the coffee table next to an empty glass..... A bottle of Jack..... and it was already almost halfway through......

Oh fuck, Nikki.... He was doing better than the rest of us.....

Tommy picked up the bottle and looked at his best friend sadly.

Nikki just looked down in shame, so we decided then to say nothing as Tommy put the bottle back down.

"We really are sorry, man... We know how excited you two were," Vince said.

Nikki sighed as he sat down next to Tommy.

"It was a girl...." he mumbled.

We all looked up as we saw he was trying to keep it together.

"We were gonna have a baby girl.... I was gonna have a daughter...." he said, pulling something out of his pocket and looked down at it. "I just..."

We lowered our heads in silence as even I tried to keep it together.

A little girl... And she never stood a chance in the end....

I looked over to see what he had pulled out and I frowned.

"Fuck...." I murmured as Tommy and Vince then looked.

(Picture: Example of Nikki & Mallory's Last Baby Ultrasound Scan - 16 weeks)

"Shit...." Vince mumbled.

"It was taken a few days ago...." Nikki said. "She was still about the size of apple, more or less, but was still growing...."

I heard sniffling and looked, seeing Tommy was trying to keep it together, looking up at the ceiling. Vince was staring down, hands on the sides of his head with his knees on his elbows.

"What hurts more about all of this isn't just that the baby survived longer than expected before miscarrying, or the false hope.... Its how and what Mal thinks..." he admitted. "She lost Razz's kid before it even had a chance to be known... This time she knew and acrually had hope for this kid.... Now, she thinks she's useless as a woman, and can't even do carry a baby full term..."

"Fucking hell, losing both kids wasn't her fault," I said. "Its just genetic stuff... "

Nikki nodded as I saw he was trying his hardest to hold back tears. "I know... And I tell her that every single time, even before the baby reached the expected limit. Guys, she had 4 months with her... She really started to believe that baby was gonna make it.... A-And then...."

We all lowered our heads in sadness as he sniffled and looked down.

"After all the hell we all went through... That she's been through.... This was her chance, she had so much hope once she made it to 4 months," he said. "We were so sure, damn it!"

Tommy placed an arm around him.

That's when Vince suddenly got up and stormed out of the room to the backyard.

"What's wrong with him?" Tommy asked.

"On top of his own problems, his best friend just lost another baby and not even her own husband can console her," I said. "If he wasn't feeling upset then that would be concerning..."

Nikki sighed as he crossed his arms.

"She was finally happy.... Everything was finally in a good place....." he mumbled.

I sighed and patted his back as Tommy sat at his other side.

"We got you, dude," Tommy assured him.

*Mallory*

I stared into the mirror in the bathroom, just looking in my reflection.

My eyes were red and puffy from crying nonstop these past two days... My eyes just dead and lifeless...... I was getting pale, but currently was a little bit flushed from a fever.... I just looked so exhausted and sad....

I look ugly... And broken.....

"You are ugly..... You're useless.... Disgusting..... What kind of woman are you?"

I frowned in confusion. It must be the pain medication I'm on, because it.... It almost seemed like... Like my reflection was talking to me....

"I mean, really. What kind of woman can't even hold a baby for longer than 3 months, let alone even a month!?"

"Its no wonder Don bashed your head open! You can't do anything right, let alone something as simple as carrying a baby full term! He probably knew, that's why he cheated on you in the first place!"

I stared in shock as the words pierced through me.

"Did you really think hope was gonna make that baby survive with your defective reproductive system!? That's just real fucking sad and pathetic, even for you. Might as well just cut yourself open and scrape all of that useless shit you got out of yourself!"

"Either way, everything you touch dies anyway. Razzle.... Your first baby.... Dottie... Your biological father..... Hell, even Nikki kicked the bucket for a few minutes because of you...... And now your second baby is dead.... Face it.... You are a curse to the people you love.... What kind of baby wants a mother like that anyway?"

 I whimpered as I tried to clear my head, holding it. Its not real, its just the medication....O-Or the fever..... It has to be.....

"You never deserved to be a mother... And Nikki deserves a wife that can actually give him a baby, or at least one that has a backbone. Like that Vanity chick! I'm sure she didn't croak from the smack yet. Maybe he should give her a quick call!!"

I glared at the reflection as it kept going.

"Or better yet, just do what you failed to do in front of Vince years ago and kill yourself already. Only way to handle a useless, dumb dog like yourself is taking it right out back and-"

The next thing I knew, I was pulling my fist back and then....

Mirror shards fell all over me as I punched the mirror, and panted angrily before the pain suddenly hit up my arm.

"A-Ahhhh..." I whimpered, pulling my arm back and seeing the blood seep out.

I cried quietly as I grabbed a towel and wrap it around my hand before walking out of my room, holding my hand close to my chest.

I went and laid in bed staring at the wall. The room was dark from the closed windows and the lights turned off. Jack curled up by my abdomen, whimpering quietly, as if he understood what was going on.

We switched out and threw away the old mattress for one from one of the guest rooms beds.

Jack whimpered and nudged at my injured hand, but I pulled it away and pet him with my other one.

Even though I had this dull ache in my abdomen being numbed by the pain killers, I felt like an empty shell full of cracks everywhere....

I kept hoping this is all some nightmare and my baby would flutter at any moment.... But the reality is written in stone... She's gone.... As is all my hope....

I felt... No... I am broken... Defective... That reflection was right.....

There was a faint knock on the door and it opened. I expected Nikki to be there trying to get me to eat again, but it wasn't.

"Mallie...." Heather's voice said.

I slowly looked over and see my two friends stand at the door, looking at me sadly.

I just look away and curl into my blanket more.

"Oh honey...." Sharise said as they slowly walked in and sat near me, Jack looking up at them.

"We are so sorry.... We can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now...." Heather said softly, placing her hand on my shoulder.

I sniffled as I felt tears pricking my eyes again.

Heather the moved my arm a bit and her eyes widen as she noticed the bloody towel on my hand.

"Shar, she's bleeding....." Heather said.

Shar then took my hand and unwrapped the towel. "Mallory, what... Oh my god, what did you do, Mallory?! Heather, get me the first aid, kit, hurry!"

Heather quickly nodded and got up, rushing to the bathroom but stopped.

"Uhhh... I think I found how she messed her hand up...." Heather said worriedly.

Sharise looked over and frowned before looking at me as I looked away.

"Mallie...." she mumbled sadly.

"Four months... Four months I held that baby, zero problems whatsoever..... W-We were so sure...." I whimpered. "Everything was going so well.... I-I was doing everything right, I-I had hope.... And now.... All of it died along with her....." I said, my voice breaking as I felt tears flooding my eyes.

Sharise looked down sadly before she laid down next to me and hugged me, Heather putting the first aid kit aside and sitting next to me as she also pull me into a hug, and at that moment I just burst into tears for what must be the millionth time today.

Its not fair... It's just not fucking fair...

~~~~~

ENOUGH. IS. ENOUGH.

It is not right in anyway whatsoever what the Black community has to go through on a daily basis, all the racism and hatred and fear they face just for living their lives. The murder of George Floyd is just so awful and those MONSTERS responsible for taking this man's life need to be bought to justice and pay for their crimes. 

And yes, I say MONSTERS, because to just kneel on a man's neck and pins him down as he's saying "I CAN'T BREATHE" until he finally dies, it is so damn inhuman, evil and disgusting, and that fact that they are not rotting in a jail cell for this is just so fucked up.

We should not have to fear the ones who are SUPPOSED to protect and serve and keep EVERYONE safe from ACTUAL harm and danger. I am not saying that all police officers are bad, there are still A FEW good ones who ACTUALLY do their job correctly, but then there are SO MANY police officers like the bastards who took George Floyd's life or who shooting rubber bullets and running over people at peaceful protests are the main reason we are losing any and all trust for cops, good or bad.

I don't care if I get hate for sharing this. I don't care if I lose any readers or people attack me in the comments or private messages for it. However, if you don't think that there is a huge problem in regards to this, if you think that police brutality is something justified, if you even actually think that white supremacy/privilege isn't real, then plain and simple, PLEASE, go unfollow me right now in wattpad and all my social media and get the fuck out of here.

Black people have had to face so much fear, disrespect and even assaults and murder for many years, all because of the color of their skin, and I will not stand silent about this whatsoever and will speak out against the racism and killings of Black men, women, and even children at the hands of cops, or even at the hands of civilians.

This really has got to stop.

My thoughts and prayers also go out to George Floyd's family and loved ones, as well as the families and loved ones of all the Black men, women, and even children whose lives were cut short unfairly, all because of the color of their skin, whether at the hands of cops or even civilians.

To all the protesters out there, please stay safe out there. I am on your side in this fight for justice, peace, and equality for all. ♥

We are all humans. We must stand strong together and learn to love and not hate, and be united together in order to be able to overcome all of this. Skin color should not matter, so long as you are a good person and treat others around you kindly and with respect. ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

Stay safe, and much love to you all. ❤🌻

🎶 Currently in Sapph's playlist:

Motionless in White
"Another Life"

https://youtu.be/Pj2miRJ6bZs

♡~ sapphire.