INT.SHITTY ASS DORM ROOM- DAY

Fades in.

(Oakley takes a day off the next as there are no important classes. Cecilia and Oakley have their breakfast in the living room.)

Cecilia

Today is inspection day.

Me

What are the rooms though? The one's we need to visit.

Cecilia

One is with an illegal pet. Fish I think so. Another is a call from one room, they want to know if they're breaking the protocol or not.

Me

Bummer, no pot day today?

Cecilia

That's the only reason you joined as RA, didn't you?

Me

That and money. And loads of storytime content for my YouTube channel.

Cecilia

What's with you and trouble?

Me

A sugar daddy asked me that. Next time I knew I had 5 dollars on my g-string. Where's yours?

Cecilia

(Rolls her eyes)

Dream on.

Me

(Sings in the shower singing voice)

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart.

Cecilia

That's the only reason you befriended me all that time ago, ain't it?

Me

That and bi-curiosity.

Cecilia

Pfft. Finish your coffee and hurry up. We need to bust out.

(Cecilia and Oakley carry their transmitter with them, to let other RA members at the backend be informed. They walk up the stairs to the floor above them.)

INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY-DORM BUILDING- EVENING

Me (sings)

This ain't DJ mustard, this is Gray on the beats
Bitch it's AOMG, we do it properly leggo
I be like hol' up wait a minute girl

(Sings in gibberish )

Cecilia

Please don't sing in a language you don't understand.

Me

I ain't singing in ghetto English then calling it mumble rap.

(Starts to twerk at the chorus)

(Suddenly, a girl comes up from one of the hallways and seems to be in a hurry. Her face is all sweaty and is glad to find the two RA's. She is holding the handkerchief wrapped around the wrist of one hand, covered in blood.)

Cecilia

(In shock)

Oh my god, what happened?

Girl

Is this considered an emergency?

(Shows her bleeding hand)

Cecilia

Um, yes. What shall do Oak?

Me

I am the comedic relief man, not a paramedic. Take her to the hospital. Book an Uber now.

(Oak tries to crack jokes in this terrible situation to diffuse the tension but it isn't helping. Cecilia quick books an Uber and luckily finds one pulling right next to their building. She accompanies the girl but it seems she would pass out then and there.)

Me

You'd be able to manage, right?

Cecilia

If I don't we'll be made parade naked for not completing the inspection.

Me

Are you sure this ain't your spawn to cut slack from work?

Cecilia

Why didn't my eardrums bleed before I heard this?

Me

Ain't your vagina bleeding good enough?

(Cecilia leaves)

ROOM 56- EVENING

MONOLOGUE

Oh god, the room is reeking weed. Did Cee mistake it for illegal pet room? Something is fishy in here.

(Knocks the door. Hears some shuffling and mild muffling. Takes a long time to open the door. A boy comes out from the room, eyes drooping.)

Boy

(Fumbling)

Hi, what happened?

Me

Yeah, look, your baby fat and baby teeth ain't even out yet. So don't think I am that fairy who picks your rotten teeth to fill them cavities with a silver coin. What's up with the asparagus salad you've been beefing up?

Boy

(Feigns confusion)

Me? I don't know what you're talking about. Are you an RA?

Me

(Points finger)

RA and pro grass slugger. You ain't hiding the lumber without burning them. I know the smell well. Now, tell me like a good boy you are, and Imma pass you.

Boy

How do you know I am smoking weed?

Me

(Grabs collar, then laughs sinister)

First things first, I didn't say weed a single time. You must be hitting up downtown a lot to pick up my lingo. Second, my dad nicknamed me stogie so you know how it is my wedlock child. Third, if you wanna smoke, might as well smoke something good; all I can smell is cabbage quality.

Boy

(Is scared, pleads)

I am sorry, I agree I got high, but not in the room, it was at a party. I came back right now. I promise.

Me

(Peeps into the room)

Why is your roommate sitting right in the middle of the room and reading a Bible?

Boy

(Turns around, lets out a nervous laugh)

He is a church boy. He does that ever time.

Me

I can see a copy of Playboy too. Next time you'll tell me Hugh Hefner is baby Jesus.

(Rolls her eyes)

I will deal with you apeshit later. First, tell me, did you get a registration certificate for your pet?

Boy

(Thinks hard)

Oh, that! One of the RAs asked me to get the certificate that day itself. So, I decided to freeze Peter. Once I get the certificate, I will defreeze it.

Me

(Looks at him, incredulous)

What's Peter again?

Boy

(Matter-of-factly)

A fish.

Me

No wonder something was fishy in here.

Fade out.

ROOM 74-NIGHT

(Oakley knocks the door. She checks the query list on her phone. Apparently, the students have a doubt that they must be breaking the dorm room. Given the fact that UCLA dorms have crazy missionary rules, she starts to wonder which rule were they talking about.)

(The door opens. A young woman comes out.)

Girl#1

How may I help you?

Me

I am the RA. Cecilia's roommate. She had some bleeding issues so she had to run errands.

Girl#1 (welcoming Oak inside)

Paper cuts?

Me

(Thinks)

Yeah, something like that. What rule were you talking about?

Girl#2

(Laying on the bed, makes room for Oak to sit, but she declines.)

Why's there a rule for not touching the ceiling?

Me

That? Well, most RAs have a boring story like people stick chewing gums or stick fairy stars on the roof.

Girl#2

Then what's your creepypasta version?

Me

(Smirks)

There's an underage rule for bringing girls to dorm rooms for boys? So if any freshy brought one chick they'll stick the condom on the roof.

Girl#1 

(Scrunches face)

That's nasty.

Me

Yeah? You've haven't yet seen my storytime video on my channel. There was this chick who wanted to change her room so bad so she cooked up this ghost story. To make it Elm Street level spooky she painted handprints with her period blood.

(All the girls screw their face in unison)

Girl#2

We'd love to watch your YouTube videos. All the RAs are so boring.

Me

I know, right? They make holes in my head.

.

.

.

Girl#1

Was that supposed to be a pun?

Me

(Embarrassed)

Anyway, tell me what's your issue with that rule? Ain't you guys getting roofied, right?

Girl#2

Well, this is the issue. This doesn't count as roof touching, right?

(Points at a pole erected at the one corner of the room. Oak looks up and down, then blinks a few times and rubs her eyes.)

Me

What's your stripper name?

Girl#2

(Excited)

Easy Skiz and hers is Sparkle titties.

Me

Yeah, too noobish. No wonder your G-string ain't even being plucked in a guitar.

Girl#1

You used to strip too?

Me

When the Wild West theme was rampant. Kids these days want Tumblr girls.

Girl#2

(Excited)

What was your name?

Me

(Smirks)

Montana Bombshell. Trust me, girls, get better names to get better pay. Anywho, pole dancing would count as touching the ceiling. Try keeping things third to fourth base and we're good to go.

(Oak's phone rings. It's a call from Cecilia.)

Yeah, what's up? Did you get that girl to the doc? Oh, okay, thank god. You're hitting the club? There's a gig. Alright, I come there.

Fades out.

THE COSMOS DELIGHT-NIGHT 

Fade in.

(The club is full of sweaty bodies dancing in a claustrophobic manner. The flashing lights were the daily dose of epilepsy seizures, Oak felt most of them were dancing because of it.)

(Oak found Cecilia sitting at one corner of the table with who seemed to be Landon. She waved back at them in apprehension.)

Me

You know this London boy?

Cecilia

Yeah, we have a few classes together. He called me up saying there is a good gig for stand up comedians. 

Landon

I didn't know you used to do gigs too.

Me

(Sits down)

What do you mean, I breathe jokes every day. You're denser than osmium.

Landon

Actually, I was going to suggest you to start doing stand up comedy.

Me

What made you stop?

Landon

My friends told me your stripper name was Montana Bombshell. It looks like you were serious about it.

Me

You wanna do the write-up while we wait for the gig?

Landon

Because time is money?

Me

More like I am bored and I can't do the small talk. Let's write personality.

(Both of them take out their phone)

This is what I type

People's person. Friendly guy. Trusts everyone easily. Breaks his heart easily. Cheers people. Fucking ray of sunshine. I don't feel like cracking jokes about him, I don't know why. Stands up for what is wrong. Definitely a Taurus. Momma's good boy. I don't think I hate him as most people do. Would mistaken pot cookie for choco-chip. Reminds me of slow dancing to the '70s song on a cool summer night. Wish he could talk more about himself. Great listener. Remembers all hymns kind of boy. Meticulous.

(Before they could type anything more, an announcement caught everyone's attention)

I know you guys paid with diamonds on your wrist for the tickets to the stand-up. I had this idea, why don't we do it high school announcement style? The protagonist, the antagonist and the sidekick are present in here. We shall begin.

Once upon a time, there was a comedy squad, aiming to pull all of their talents for the great good. There was this one chick who didn't like this idea, we'll because the female race isn't inherently hilarious. So what she did, she tried to tarnish the entire career by painting one of her best friends as a rapist. She got her girl sidekick in that too. Together, they became the front runners of the Feminist movement. But here are the clips that show how this fucking bitch is a cunt.

Audio plays

Oh, Nathan, don't you know what's my weapon? Woman. If I fuck with a bottle and call it rape, people would believe me. Have you ever heard a man getting away with it? Have you? Your downfall will mean immense press publicity, and frankly, that's all I want.

The voice speaks again.

So, who's getting all the publicity they wanted, Darling Cee? Even if you had blamed everything on Oak, it's between you and I that it was actually your plan; Oak was just a pawn.

By the way, Oak, Tanner kept his promise. Nathan didn't expose Cee, I did.

(Tanner comes in front of an infuriated Oakley, smirking)

Me

(Climbs up the table and shouts on top of her lungs.)

I WILL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!

(Just as she was about the pounce on Tanner, the bouncers took her out of the club. Cecilia followed her.)

~~~
A/N
Sorry for no updates for the past two weeks, things were a bit chilly. Anyway, Oak here, hope you enjoyed. Two chapters and we're good to go!

Don't forget to vote you disgusting piece of shit.