UCLA COLLEGE CAMPUS-DAY

Fade in.

(A guy is running behind Oak, trying to catch up with her as she leaves the building. Oakley notices that. Stops to let him catch up.)

Me
(Cuts him even before he could say anything.)

Please don’t follow, definitely don’t tweet me at Liza Koshy.

Tanner

(Tall, well-built, average White-Asian guy. Too cool to be found half-naked watching Anime.)

Wasn’t it at Mia Khalifa? Your intro?

Me

You’ve been watching my youtube videos.

Tanner

You’ve been not making a mess about it. On that note, can we grab a coffee?

Me
(Crosses her arm.)

I don’t know if we can, can we?

Tanner

May we grab a cup of coffee?

Me

Metal straws?

Tanner: was never a question.

Fade out.

EXPENSIVE COFFEE SHOP WHICH USES CHAMBERLAIN COFFEE-DAY

Fades in.

(The coffee shop is crammed with people and Applewood scent. Half them are here to make their IG feed look aesthetic, others are here to spend their tuition fee on their significant other.)

Me

(Looks around.)

It’s that time of the month.

Tanner

No, it’s paycheck weekend and 40% off on second order.

Me
Where you in Nepal?

Tanner

Was that supposed to be racist?

Me

No, you’ve seemed to open your third eye by the power of Himalayan meditation.

Tanner

What?

Me

Mind-reading. How did you know I was talking about the cramped up coffee place with lovey-dovey pukey lukey couples?

Tanner

My death wish is to hear a normal line out of your mouth.

Me

Then let me order potato chips, and eat it!

Tanner

That's why I told you not to watch dubbed shit.

Me

I ain't subway barista.

Tanner

You're a UCLA film grad. Same difference.

Me

Yes, yes, look down upon my credentials. Watch me slay like Tarantino.

(Pretends to chops things in thin air, then puts her hand down when finds people staring at her.

Me

How've been?

Tanner

Is that my death wish?

Me

Okay fine, I won't ask normal questions. Let's start all over again, how do you feel about your Dictator, Kim Jong-Un dying?

Tanner

You're so racist you need to be punished.

Me
Choke me, daddy.

Tanner
Don't make it any awkward.

Me

Have your parents accepted you? And your friends?

Tanner

You never called them friends when we were together. And you know my parents well to know that they won't accept it easily.

Me

Bro, you're the most ideal child they can have! And yes, now I call them your friends because calling names is getting boring.

Tanner
I have tattoos.

Me

but it's a Korean flag!

Tanner

Yes koreaboo, shut up.

Me

(Forcing herself to squeeze her voice and do some hand gestures)

oPPar

Tanner

Yes, beautiful?

Me

Eww no, no gay on me. You gays are all made of fluff.

Tanner

Too bad you're a girl. You would have fallen for my fluff.

Me
So your parents are inviting me to Thanksgiving?

Tanner

(Drops his head down, then looks up)

I am sorry Oak, it's just difficult for me to come out yet. Can't we pretend a little—

Me

Do you understand how wrong this is? The whole college thinks we're together and you're pushing Eugene to the side. What wrong has he done? Fallen for a quarterback you can't save his own gay ass?

Tanner

Two wrongs make a right.

Me

Tell that to Amelia Earhart who trusted the wronged Wright Brothers.

Tanner

That's not what I meant. Nathan called you last night, didn't he?

Me

Do you want to place the order for phallic fantasy instead of him?

Tanner
All I want to say is that, pretend a little longer and I might help you get out of the sticky situation.

Me
How much is the might?

Tanner

99.9%

Me
That's what Dettol claims. That 0.1 is the reason for corona.

Tanner

I will be able to get you out. That's bro code. They won't touch the girl I am seeing.

Me:

what about Cee?

Tanner

You know, we might have actually dated. I know you so well. Don't you think I would come up to you only when I have things planned? Ask her to pretend-date Eugene. That way he'll be able to hang out with us boys more.

Me

Isn't he certified gay? 

Tanner

Most people think he's, but Cecilia will prove it wrong. Everyone knows she has a certain taste in men.

Me

Wow, so I thought you'd help me irrespective of the deal. What if I say no?

Tanner

Well, see you off the border of the country.

Me

Very well, looks like I have no choice.

(Takes her mobile phone out, holds it in front of Tanner)

Tanner

What are you doing?

Me

Record your statement. I don't trust you guys.

Tanner (On-record)

Tanner will make sure no legal action is taken against Oakley and Cecilia by Nathan if both of the girls promise to be the love interests.

Me: seal the deal.

Fades out.

BITCHY ASS RENT ROOM- EVENING

Fade in.

(Cecilia is in the kitchen making dinner. Oakley drops her bag in the living room and gives her company)

Cecilia

(Chopping the vegetables)

You met Tanner.

Me
No. I met my exbest friend cum ex-fake boyfriend cum manipulator.

Cecilia

Yeah, yeah. When I told you in school that he isn't the best person, you just thought I have a big lesbian crush on you.

Me
Don't you? Not even a little bit?

(Cecilia hits Oakley in the forearm)

Cecilia
What did he want now?

(Oakley narrates the entire conversation.)

Cecilia

(Appalled)

He can't do that!

Me

You see, we're both wrong in here. I thought you're a sweet little girl minding her own business but you turned out to be a psychotic gold digger not to mention a sex defame—

Cecilia

Shut up. You need not remind me. I wasn't thinking straight. I was young.

Me

This happened last year.

Cecilia

I was one year younger.

Me

I don't care. I can tolerate Tanner and you must tolerate Eugene. This is the last time I am helping you through shit.

Cecilia

I didn't ask for your help!

Me

Exactly, you didn't ask me, you threw me under the big yellow bus.

(The phone in Oakley's hand buzzes. She excuses herself and reads the message.

London Bridge is falling down

Cnt com. Mornin shift tmrw in cafe.

Oak Tree

Are you in café right now?

London Bridge is falling down

Yea. Lvin in n hr.

Oak tree

Wait, I'll come there.

Fades out.

LANDON'S CAFE-NIGHT

Fades in.

(Landon is working at the counter, gestures Oakley to wait. Once he is done with his shift, he reaches out to the table where Oakley is sitting. The place is moderately crowded, neon lights flashing everywhere. Good view of the street. Most of the customers are tourists from Griffith Park.)

Me

He,y cute barista, living your UCLA dream?

Landon

Shut up, this pays the rent.

Oak

You can be a sugar baby.

Landon

Why don't you try?

Oak

Honey I have tried so much, I am like the wheels of the car.

Landon

Tired?

Oak

Hush, we don't say puns out loud, ruins the joke.

Landon

Or maybe lets people know your bad puns.

Landon

What all have you tried?

Me

I tried stripping downtown LA. Pays twice the rent and free amazon prime.

Landon

Why did you leave?

Me

My dude, students from our class hang in by the pole. Not to mention they actually think they can father the kids to these Veteran Hoes. Ain't nobody wiping their ass from the party they pooped.

Landon

What else?

Me

Sugar daddy bro. It was a part-time babysitting too. Little did the waifu of the weeb knew who was the baby in here. But that kid of hers was possessed by a demon bruh. She'd write things like, "Satan shall seal they name, in hell you'll burn in flame...666" and shit. Got no time on my wrist to be the Demon God Mother to this demon child.

Landon

So, what's today's topic?

Me

Mannerism and Dialogue.

(Landon takes out the ordering notepad from his pocket)

Me(PRE-LAP)

Are you seriously going to write in on an ordering notepad? Is it because I am a snack?

Landon

Don't make me regret calling you here.

Me

I invited myself to this bitchy ass place.

This is what I wrote on my phone:

Language: doesn't swear like a '70s Chicago gangsta.

Honorific: always bows. Good thing, no one has to say bend over to him anymore.

Thinks before he speaks, buffers like twitch live streams.

Fumbles a lot on days when his tongue misses leg day.

Landon
Do you actually need an order?

Me
Are you done with the write-up?

Landon

I just had to write no water filter present in her mouth.

Me

What? Mama raised me well, my tongue is filtered like a pet store aquarium.

Landon
So, what do want to order?

Me
Take a guess. Let me know if you know your character well.

Landon

Come on, what if I order something wrong?

Me

Take a chance man. If you don't like it, you can take a Kanye West.

(Landon was about to answer when an Old woman stomped in front of the table. She looked like a typical Karen— blonde, blue eyes, white and so angry she could chew you raw)

Karen

what's wrong with you, young man? I am standing there for 15 minutes waiting for an order to be taken and you're here flirting with this young lady?

Landon
(Stands up)

Ma'am, I am off duty. My shift is over, you can ask someone else.

Karen

Won't you even ask me to sit? What kind of service do you provide?

Me
(Still sitting)

Ma'am, is standing too much cardio for you?

Karen
(Glares at Oak, points at her)
You mind your own business.

Me
(Finally stands up)

I am sorry ma'am, I can't help but be a dick if your business is all over the place like your vagina.

Karen

How dare you say derogatory words you dyke. You all are swine. I will call the police.

Me

What for bitch? For saying the d-word or for me? 'Cause I didn't even start slapping you with my words.

Karen

I want to talk to the manager.

Landon

Yes ma'am, please head right away.

Karen

You ought to take me. There is no self-service in here.

(Both Landon and Oak point to the huge self-service board on the wall.)

Karen

shut up you're rude.

Me

oh my Jesus, you haven't been leaked by a cock and your tight ass pussy is speaking.

Karen

You have no right to speak like that. You're ugly.

Me

And yes, you're mirror mirror on the wall.

Landon

You can't harass another customer.

Karen

And what about you harassing me?

Me

Oh my fucking god, there are literally 15 waiters down the line, and you're mad pissed in the mouth about it 'cause he ain't sleeping with you in missionary position.

Karen
I will call the police.

Me
(Pretends to be scared)

Oh, I am scared.

Landon

Ma'am, try to calm down.

(Karen suddenly sits on top of the table, making it very uncomfortable.)

Me

Bitch, if you think your ass cheeks are from in-and-out then let me tell, it ain't looking tasty on the table.

Landon

Ma'am, you can't sit on the table.

Karen

I am not sitting, I am leaning on it.

Me
Ma'am that's how Leaning Tower of Pisa is about to break.

Karen

I will call my lawyer and sue you for bad services provided.

Me

bitch I ain't seeing no billboard for auditioning for the middle school drama club. This weak ass acting can go back to Kansas.

Karen

shut up you entitled piece of shit. This is the reason why you should be reported. Stealing all of our jobs.

Me

you bitch—

Landon(PRE-LAP)

yeah? We are stealing your jobs? Then help me solve this question.

(Landon tears a page from his notepad and writes a mathematical problem.)

Integrate lnxdx

(Karen and Oakley both look at the paper. While Karen is confused and dumbfounded, Oak answers quickly.)

Me

x+ x.lnx?

Landon

This is why we get a job in your country because its own citizens can't fucking do calculus. Now you get out of this cafe before I call the police.

Fades out.

~~~

Sorry for this long-ass chapter but phew, it was a long ass ride. Oak right here, very overworked and underpaid like Vietnamese Nike workers. Pls, vote to support.

Pls look out for typos, I am surviving on Gatorade.
Have fun!