Guest post by @invivereveritas 

Why talking is difficult?

I never intended to say somebody or to talked about what had happened, because there were many things I had to get clear myself. There were so many Questions I asked myself like 'Why me? Why didn't I left him earlier?' or blamed myself for how far it had gone. So I decided to remain in silent and fixing myself.

At some point my family and friends fond it out. Soon I felt confirmed in my thought of a bad Idea, because they asked me so often if I wanted to talked, if I need anything and how sad this whole misery was.

And he seemed to be such a nice guy! Well what should I say? Obviously not. And asking if I need anything? Too late. What disturbed me most was the question if I wanted to talk. No, I wouldn't, I didn't even started to realize everything for myself so how can I speak about something I don't understand either? But everyone wanted to know everything, everyone but me. I wanted nobody to know. I was so ashamed by myself to let my self going under this, by believing I could change him if I loved him more

They never had a clue! Yeah, because I'm a good liar and I'm manipulating them. Why I was wearing a Pullover in summer? Sun allergy; never had it before but now. Why I was silent? Stress at school. I had an explanation for everything. Sometimes I get angry because there were so many signs but they still liked to believe my lies, even when they were so obvious just to not think about the background. Would I've acted different when I would've been in theire shoes? I liked not to answer this.

You should talk about it. Talking will help you. Nope. There is nothing I every have to do. If I learned one thing, than that I have every right to make my own decision and to do what I want or not.

They didn't mean it to offend me, but those questions, those pittyful Glares in my direction putted me under such a pressure that I started to feel weak. Again. And that's something I never want to feel again. They wanted answers to questions I couldn't even answer myself so I lied. Again.Sure I felt better, of course I went to a Psychology, in no doubt I will call you when I feel bad, because surly you can understand how it feels to wake up at night and you can't breath 'cause he chokes you. Who don't know that? So I am not talking to you. In the end you just gonna ask yourself why I stayed.

But why am I writing here, if I proclaiming that talking was bad?

Because talking to a stranger is easier. There will be no pittyful Glares but people who wants to listen to you. Maybe because they're victims themselves or because they know some one whos been abused or because they want to be that kind of friend I wish I had back then. And even if they can't help you, you can be so proud to yourself because you fond the strength to speak about it. You had the courage and that's something you should be proud of.
The good thing: it is your Decision. You decide what to share and if you share. The Control is up to you.

Love,
Alli