I know that there are already a lot of books about irresistible love and it is also clear that this book will be superfluous for most of the people out there, but try once, only once, not to be narrow-minded like the most of the peope out there. Just give me a chance to prove myself explain what my problem is .. and who knows, maybe you have a solution for me? Have you ever fallen in love? What kind of question is that Mitchell? everyone fell in love. But have you ever been loved or is it just platonic? Oh yeah, that's a much more sensible question, Mitchell. And while we're complete a question and answer round: My name is Mitchell and I'm alone. Not really alone, but I have been feeling alone for quite some time and also cannot find a diagnosis that applies to me. That sounds super weird but I'm pretty sure that other lonely individuals also try to receive love and arent always successful, which is depressing. To put it in a nutshell, we can surmount this problem together. How? By telling you my kind of unsuccessful but teaching story. 

Monday 2th of January

Well, after starting motivated into this new year, I am already about to give up. I can remember that when I was a kid or in puberty I was so cheerful and just enjoying. By doing makeup and creating new outfits every day I tried to reach my goals, which I had by that time. Today is Monday, which means school starts. That's fine, but I am not about to create outfits or do makeup and stuff. Why? I do ask this question to myself a couple or.. amount of times. Is it so hard? I always enjoyed looking good and feeling like having a high status. As it is noticeable, it is quite difficult for me to express my thoughts in such a way that you can relate to it. But you know what, I don't blame you if you ultimately cannot develop any sympathy or empathy with me and my situation. It's a psychological thing, not everyone could understand why my problem can be so incriminating.

After I woke up, I washed my face with clear water, which always helpt me waking up and not looking like a walking dead. Mornings I often try to be as quick as possible and to avoid any communication with anyone. After a long annoying school day, it goes like this: I eat something, squeeze a few blackheads, regret it, then do my homework and try to avoid a mental breakdown, which is inevitably inevitable. And finally the day is over again. And this is not just because I have not got that much time in view of the fact that I am in school like FOREVER. Um sorry, but its just the truth. Well, as already mentioned, its not just a time problem. I also do have financially problems, which is terrible. While we're talking about my problems , I  have a question by the way; Has there been a recent trend to behave like a defiant asshole? I am just trying to make normal friendships - personally, I still have no idea how such precarious problems can arise in a friendship. My understanding of friendship, as explained in every other book, is that you understand each other and although you have different views of certain events - you should always remain respectful. Unfortunately my friends do not always manage to behave according to their age. Whenever I think that I have developed an adaptation to my new surroundings, paradoxically they manage to open an avoidably relevant discussion that never ended.

As already mentioned, I avoid any kind of communication in the morning. However, the same does not apply to public institutions, which plays a major role in my mood swings. I speak to keep company, to spread joy, and I certainly expect the same thing in return. I only wanted one thing and that is the re-socialization. The joy that is stolen from me and I don't know what source it comes from; where I should put my stop sign and defend myself against the dark inside. Damn it sounds so terrible and dramatic but that's what it is. And I don't know if you believe me or not, but I am still crouching in front of my mirror in the bathroom while I am expressing these thoughts, and I am doing what should have been done a long time ago: I put on my make-up.

You should know that I'm living in a small town -rather villagelive would be applicable. It is therefor understandable that I unfortunately only prepared myself to my own favor and, after taking a few photos, I put out my makeup and crawled under my blanket again. Unfortunately, I don't have a drivers license to turn a few rounds around my neighborhood, which admittedly sometimes makes me feel like I am stuck in a tight box without any oxygen. Of course, It is not the cruellest thing not to plan new trips every day, and I am not that social that I would like to get involved in society everyday. But I just can not handle it to avoid facing this feeling of loneliness and sensitivity to every little gust of wind that could tip me over. How will I handle this?

Friday 17th January

Even though I have been considerably melancholy in the past few days, and if I look back at my last post and, to a certain extent, had pessimistic views of this world, I am ultimately no longer of the same opinion. I know that a book should skip ordinary moments in life or people's emotions and come to the climax of the story. But you should also be aware that this is what makes people even make who they are how they are. The sudden ups and downs in life make you YOU! They make you who you are today. This makes the book seem authentic, with which you can definitely identify as a reader.
Damn it, I saw my problem. It was clear to me, I just couldn't see it or just didn't want to admit it. I wasn't social enough - I just had to manage to get free from my trivial lifestyle or everyday life and give myself to who I wanted to be. And from now on I opened my eyes to a completely different world with a completely different perspective.