So I have this mental list of 4 names that quite frequently haunts the moments that every moment that there is silence and I am alone.

Maria
Kaleigh
Brad
Brady

These are not the names of enemies, but the names of friends, best friends in fact. Each and every person on this list at some point of my life I trusted and loved with absolutely every last bone and muscle in my body. They were my best friend, the one person I went to with some of my deepest thoughts. The person I would go to for moral support, and each and every one of me outright abandoned me, turned their back on me, and left me alone. Even though I have experienced a whole lot of rejection from a whole lot longer of a list than this, these are the people who hurt me the most. These are the people who have left a permanent scar on my heart. It's one thing to experience rejection from someone you don't know well. It's entirely different to experience rejection from someone who you thought was your best friend, someone you thought you would be friends with forever, someone who you thought would be by your side when you got married and would be there for you for the rest of your life.

One of my few good traits is that I am extremely loyal and once you gained my trust. I would literally walk to the ends of the earth for you, and I sure as hell don't trust easy. Each and every person on this list had gained that "unbreakable" trust, and in every case that bitter loyalty to that person that forges over my personality remained there far after they had unofficially abandoned me. They faded and I remained loyal to the bitter end, clinging to that little strand of friendship that was left as I watched everything I had ever poured into that relationship fade away right in front of my eyes as I sat there helpless, unable to save it. And even now after how much each and every one of them hurt me, there is still a strand of that loyalty left. I still somehow respect them, and even though I have every right to be mad, there is still a strand of respect still left for them. So much of my pain comes from how much I miss them as I see them move on with their lives, happy, without me by their sides. I wish they were back, but I know time cannot be rewritten, they are gone, and things will never again be the same.

This list is the main reason I don't trust easy, the main reason I do bitterly fear abandonment. It's like a cycle, every close friend, every time. I think maybe the next person is going to break the list. It'll be different this time, but every time the cycle continues and every time another name is added to the list. And this isn't like a quick friend then gone sort of thing. This cycle spans the corse of 2 or 3 years. I recognized the pattern after nearing the end of my friendship with the second person on the list and painfully watched the cycle happen again and then again. I fear getting close to people because I fear that they are going to abandon me just like all the others.

I often times see nightmares containing this list, not pertaining to the past, but pertaining to the future. When all is silent and I feel alone, I start to have nightmares/bad vision or daymares of the list. It often times starts out with me feeling lonely and the names on the list would start to be plastered over my head, and they would repeat over and over and over again until finally the name of one of my current friend would be added to the list. This would nearly drive me mad with fear that they would be the next to leave me, the next name on the ever growing list. I would be virtually paralyzed with fear and be completely knocked out mentally for the rest of the day, the only cure for this fate being sleep till it could blow over. This predominantly happened in the case of the last name on the list, Brady. I started having various daymares for months before that infamous day that he got kicked out and decided never to speak to me again. It was his playing right into my darkest fears that made that instance so hard for me; that is what made me so mad. I for months saw images such as seeing the people on this list line up on ice floating in the air as I watched one by one their section of ice break off and then fall away from me until I got to Brady and stared him right in the face with tears in my eyes, knowing that he was going to fall next and no matter how hard I clung, he would eventually end up lost, gone like all the others. And just as my nightmares had predicted, the cycle took over. I watched as Brady fell and fear and anger took over me as I told myself that it was for the better that he left. And what made it so much worse is that he knew. He knew I bitterly feared abandonment. He knew what the others had done to me. He knew everything. Everything about all my darkest times and left me anyways.

And now I sit here once again, in a few close relationship treading carful because I fear that the cycle will happen again. I now have new nightmares with new names added to the ever growing list. Whenever I see the list predicting the next name that will be added, I refer to it as "the list is attacking that person."

Currently, the list the list has chosen to attack Riley's name and it scares me to death. I have currently seen quite a few  nightmares with the list being one name longer and attacking Riley. The extra name being Silas (now known as Gray), an internet friend I once was extremely close to but recently I have talked to less and less. I don't know yet, honestly, the name is not on the list yet, but I fear his situation looks much like the situation I had with Kaleigh where slowly over time we talk less and less until one day we never talk again. I am not mad or bitter at either one of them, I'm just sad because I miss them. I know the reason they faded and I don't blame them. It's just the way of the world.

Riley's situation, however, scares me to death. This is because I have slowly started to trust Riley more and more. One story at a time I reveal more and more of myself, my true self to them. Even though I battled some severe depression and abandonment and won, I have been left severely damaged, and just like them, I don't trust easy. I shield the world from my dark emotions. I don't have as many problems as before and the stuff I do have I let blow over and then move on. I love them so much and they have no idea how similar they are to me. I fear that they are at top of the cycle. I'm waiting for the same thing to happen again. I fear loosing them. Even now I'm nearly crying and shaking cause I fear being abandoned again. I know what would happen. At this point I know how to deal with the end of the cycle. I would cover it up. Say it's ok and know that they would for forever be added to the list of the fallen. To the world it would seem fine but forevermore there would be a scare left damaging my heart. All good things must come to an end, right?

So Riley, this is my note to you. You're probably the only one to ever read this. One more story about myself. This is my biggest fear and you have managed to make it on that list. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. You have already gained my loyalty, but slowly you are gaining more and more of my trust. There are very few thoughts I keep hidden left and none of which are deeper and darker than those I have already told you. Most of which I just fear disagreements or just details about my past which just don't come up in conversation.

Idk. I just thought maybe you should know. One more wall of my walls broken, huh?