July 2009

Michael's estate ran a rally of contests  for tickets to Michael's funeral. I was completely against anyone having to pay for any kinds of tickets like this was some concert event. But Michael owed money and he had to get it one way or another. I look in the mirror flattening my black dress and straightening my glasses. My eyes still red and puffy as ever. Before this big funeral, the Jacksons wanted a private viewing. Brian, Angel, and I ride down to the funeral home Michael was kept. I stayed relatively quiet in the car. Brian held my hand and Angel laid in my lap. We arrived, meeting Jackie at the door, his eyes covered with dark glasses as well. "They're just about to bring him out. Come on in." I walk inside and see some of Michael's closest friends. Macaulay, Diana, and Elizabeth. Then I saw Debbie, her eyes scanned around and looked at me. Her face changed immediately. "What was that about?" Brian asked walking with me to our seats. "Bad history..." I respond back. I've had a month to recover from Michael being gone and I was slightly stronger. I think my mind drifted away from the reality that he was gone because when his casket rolled out, I broke down again. We all sat there and cried as his casket sat in front of us. One by one we went to go see him. When it was my turn I felt my legs get weak, I found the strength for them to carry me to see him. Angel held my hand as she placed a handwritten note inside. My eyes fogged as I looked this empty shell. His soul was no longer there. I couldn't feel his spirit when I touched him. He was hard and cold almost frozen. I couldn't say anything, I just rested my hand on his cheek and kissed his forehead before walking back. Brian went up as well to pay his respects. Before all of this Brian was a huge fan of Michael's, so his death affected him as well.

Arriving at the staples center drifted my somber mood. There were so many people here that loved him and wanted to see him. He had no idea how loved he truly was. The Staples Center wasn't even big enough to hold the amount of people who came. I released a small smile at the outpouring of love he was receiving and he deserved. Paparazzi lined the streets trying to get a glimpse of his casket and helicopters followed his hearse. This was a worldwide event. I look around and see a lot of celebrity friends that angered me. Where all of these people when he needed them? It pissed me off to see interview after interview of people claiming to be friends with him, when half of them wouldn't even answer his calls. I take a deep breath and filed inside. I sit with the family, as they insisted, with Angel sitting with Paris. Brian sat behind me with my mother next to him. The brothers were the pallbearers for Michael and would fill in later. I sat next to Janet grasping her hand as she clutched mine right back. The brothers rolled his casket out kissing it and wiping off tears from the gold plated case. They sit as we all watched performance after performance, tribute after tribute. My heart grew heavier as I prepared myself for my public goodbye. Since he passed I haven't released a statement or anything. Any reaction reported about me is just a rumor until today. Even though most of it was possible, I was inconsolable, constantly breaking down and in a depressed state of mind. I showed no emotion otherwise. But today was the day, I didn't even write down how I felt because I wanted this to be honest and real.

When the time came I gathered up my courage and tried to channel my emotions into this speech. I walked to the podium to a lot of cheers and "We love you Jayla" screams. "I love you guys more.." I started. "A lot of you know the history of Michael and I... We've um, we've been through a lot. From the beginning, he brought me out of my shell. Singing with him at 13, was one of the greatest moments of my life. Since then, he taught me so many things about music, humility, love, and support. I used to tell him all the time, he would never know how much he's changed my life, in more ways than one. Some of the best years of my life was spent with Michael. I can't even gather the words to express how I feel about him... I just thank God I was blessed to know him for 24 years of my life. He's been there for me for everything. I told him 'it's like you're my superman.' He was always around when I needed him the most. I look at all of you guys out here and see how much he was loved and it warms my heart because I can feel it. This was all he ever wanted, to be loved. If he ever had a doubt, he won't anymore. Michael told me a long time ago, that fans were like stars in the sky. They help you shine and give you energy to keep going, and Michael loved you all. You wouldn't believe how much. You guys were his stars." The audience roars loudly, clapping and screaming "we love you Michael" chanting "king of pop." He was the most humble man I had ever known. All of his success and he stayed humble. I truly think he doesn't know how legendary he truly is... Not just as a superstar but as a person he was legendary. His love was the strongest love to ever have, his smile could light up a room, and his laugh..." I choke up, covering it with a giggle. "If you weren't happy when you saw him, his laugh will get you feeling better. I am going to miss this man, so much." I say wiping a tear. "And he may not be here with us in person, but he's here in spirit. He'll always be here, because true legends never die. I love you Michael." I end my speech, attempting to hold my tears a few seconds longer and walk down towards his casket placing a kiss on my hand and touching it. The Jacksons surround me with love and hugs. Janet wraps an arm around me and Brian rubs my back as I cried. My final goodbye was set.