"10...9...8... 7...6...5...4... 3...2...1 Happy New Year!!!"

January 2002

This New Year celebration is my first as a wife and a soon-to-be mom. It was exciting to watch the fireworks, knowing that you are in my womb. As I touched my tummy, I was hoping you could hear me. I was trying to explain that the exploding sounds you heard were millions of sparkles in the sky. Then, I felt you move when the fireworks shoot up into the air. The sky was lit with different colors of white, gold, green, and red lights. As I expected, you started moving inside. Dad and I confirmed on your 20th week that you are a strong kicker. You also dance well whenever you hear the "crazy frog." Dad and I were excited because we were going to meet you soon. We both agreed that this year would be one of our best New Year's since we will have you. You will surely complete our family.

We were told you must come sooner, days after the New Year. However, everything was a blur around me. The moments after were still vivid to me even now. I told Dad to make sure he watches over you once you come. When I was brought to the room where everybody was waiting, I could only see black and gray all around me. But I could hear everything they were saying without a doubt. The last words I said to everyone were to take care of you.

Even though I could see nothing at the moment, I heard a woman's voice saying you saved Mom's life. After that, everyone in the room agreed when Dad said he wanted to name you Angel.

In silence, I told myself, "Our angel has arrived."

April 2003

Your 1st birthday has passed. It is my 27th birthday. I felt so lonely, but seeing your smile and feeling your blown kisses made me realize I was not alone. While looking at your button-like eyes, I told you that Mommy struggles with her job. I asked you if I should resign. I wish your small red lips could say something to me then. But even though you can't say anything, you gave me a sign. The hardships we endured together while you were still in my womb flashed back at me. I told you if Mommy and Daddy want to give you a little sister or brother, I have to say goodbye to my job. Our sweet girlfriend in the hospital told us to avoid stress, along with the high stairs in my workplace. Although leaving my work family behind pained me, I quit my first job after six years. I decided that for our family to grow and for you to have a baby sibling, Mommy needs a more relaxing and less stressful working environment.

March 2004

Two months after your 2nd birthday, Mom and Dad must be in the hospital again. Just like you, your baby sister needs to come sooner. I was more afraid this time, so I kept praying that your baby sister would not have a hard time. I do not want her to feel the same pain you had before. I whispered that I needed your help to pray with me so your baby sister would become healthier and stronger. Even if you said nothing, I felt you were a big brother who did everything to protect his baby sister. I know you were happy when the doctor confirmed that although your baby sister is small at 3.10 pounds, she is strong, just as we prayed for. I am sure that you will always be here to guide and protect her. And you helped me pray that she never gets sick despite being born prematurely by a few months.

August 2007

Seven months after your 5th birthday, I can't believe it. I was crying silently and alone in the bathroom. I know you were watching me. You heard me talking to myself. I told you that Dad and I fought. I don't want anyone in the house to listen to it. It was hard to cry without a sound. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. What is it I lack? What did I miss? Or was my decision to work the night shift a mistake? I kept to myself why Dad and I fought. I didn't tell anyone that my heart was aching so much. It was my first broken heart as a married woman. I thought it could only happen in the movies, but that night inside the bathroom, I related so much to the pains and sorrows of all betrayed wives.

I thought I couldn't get through it. Days and nights passed by, and I felt like I was floating while being choked. I thought I was going to die. I kept on blaming myself. Trusting too much and loving less of myself, I was guilty. I felt like my world was ending. There were days when I wanted to die. But then I see your sad face, your worried look for your younger sister. It awakened me. I suddenly realized that my personal and emotional pain at that moment was nothing compared to the pains we endured together as mother and son. You helped me get backed up. You gave me the strength to take more and to be forgiving.

May 2011

You are already nine. I couldn't forget when we were inside the hospital chapel. You watched me praying in tears. I told you that Dad is sick. The doctor told us he had nasopharyngeal cancer. He just had surgery. You were quietly listening as I begged God to cure Dad. I asked you to pray with me. There was sadness in your eyes when I said nothing is more important than your sister growing up with a father. I will always remember it. I see the sadness in your eyes. But like a grown-up man, you made me feel you will protect Dad whatever happens. Feeling your presence assured me. You gave me hope everything is going to be okay.

July 2011

A week after Dad's first chemotherapy, he rushed me to the hospital. It was like déjà vu, similar to when you came to us. Our sweet girlfriend gave the sad and painful news in the same hospital room. Mommy was supposed to be pregnant for the third time. But just two months shy, your supposed-to-be sibling didn't make it. I cried so hard in silence. Dad was watching me, and I needed to be strong for him because I didn't want to add stress and pain to what he was already having. I assured Dad you would take good care of your youngest sibling. I am sure you will. The thoughts of you around me lessened the pain I felt. I hope you are also a source of comfort and strength to Dad during these times.

December 2020

It's the Christmas season again. Every time December comes, I look forward to your birthday. It has been eighteen years, and you have always been my strength. Now and then, Dad and I face challenges. But whenever I feel like giving up, you always remind me how strong I can be. You are always my cheerleader and motivator. Though we feel sad as the holidays come, your sister's presence matches our sadness with happiness. She looks up at you and makes sure that she always makes you proud.

Every time I feel sad and low, I look into your eyes. You will always be my constant reminder that whenever life gets tough, it's nothing compared to what we've been through together. Everything that happened 18 years ago is still crystal clear to me.

"I am sorry to tell you this, but the baby has no heartbeat anymore. Our concern is to ensure that the mother is safe as we deliver the baby out." These were the words given to me and your dad by the OB-Gyne, our sweet girlfriend, in the hospital.

I felt numb and dumb at the same time. I could feel nothing and could not grasp what the doctor said the first time. We were just in our seventh month. I asked her, "Will you be able to make it a normal delivery instead of a CS operation? Will the baby be okay?"

She looked at me with pity and talked to Dad instead.

Everything blurred, gray, and dark followed. I can only hear voices but cannot see anything anymore. All I knew was that I was in that hospital bed. Surrounded by women who were in their beds, all in labor. I was the only one in that group who was not in labor. The doctors told Dad they needed to take you out to save me. "The baby has been dead in her womb for three days now. We must do it as soon as possible so there will be no poisoning."

   Dad whispered while I was being wheeled to the delivery room that I should sleep and shouldn't worry because everything would be fine. I told him to ensure he takes care of you once you come out.

My eyes were closed, but my ears could hear everything inside that room. When they cut the cord that connects us, I felt like my heart stopped beating. It took away a part of me. I realized you were already apart from my body. Then, a woman asked, "What will you name him?" Everyone agreed when Dad said that he wanted to name you Angel.

At that moment, I told myself, "Our angel has arrived- in heaven."

It was a moment of unexplained sadness—a moment of immeasurable pain. Losing you, my firstborn is like losing myself. The grief still crushes me to my core. Whenever I think of you, I feel like I'm dying again. It is a time in a mother's life that nobody will ever wish to happen. Yet, it is a moment that will forever stay in my heart. When I think of you, I always feel the pain as if it was just from a few hours ago.

But knowing you are our angel in heaven comforts me. I believe in my heart that you are always watching over us. I am sure you are the ever-protective brother to your younger sister from above. And the best companion to your youngest sibling, wherever the two of you are right now. You will always be Daddy's missing chess piece.

You are my knight in shining armor whenever my life is in danger. You are the sunshine of my gloomy days. When life gets tough, you will always be my source of strength and love.

There will be no day sadder than the day you said goodbye.

I may not have seen you when you came from my womb, but I have a photographic memory of your eyes, ears, nose, and lips. You always visit me in my dreams, a cute young boy with button-like eyes and small red lips. In your white shirt and khaki shorts, you are constantly blowing me kisses.

Whenever I doubt anything, I whisper your name, and you send me clarity. I will grow older, with gray hair and all, but you will stay the precious one who will keep touching and guiding my life.

Nothing can erase the bond we have in my heart. I have engraved my precious moments with you in my soul forever. I will always keep everything about you as a treasured memory of being a mother.

You are my Angel.

  ***

  Since the day you left me,
I have realized that in grieving,
one never heals from the pain of losing a loved one.
I have just learned to live one day at a time
with a heartache that has become a part of me.
- Narin Grewal

https://youtu.be/ZyiZJOk8t8M