Lying together on his bed, thinking quietly to ourselves, Thaddeus rolled over, resting his warm head on my stomach. His eyes were dark, not their usual pastel self. He let out a deep breath, before nuzzling into me. I loved how heavy he felt on top of me, strangely, I felt safe. Cupping his cheek with my hand, he squeezed me.
"What makes you happy, Jacob?" He said, his voice husky and gorgeous.

"I don't know, Thaddeus." I said, letting out a deep sigh, he rolled over, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. He squinted at me, showing me his teeth. "Well, apart from you," I said with a giggle, watching his face change, "Not a lot." I admitted, lying back, looking up at the ceiling. I felt his cold hand stroke my stomach, his thumb moving back and forth. I shivered, he chuckled, missing my skin.

"Not a lot, huh?" He asked, resting his head on my stomach again. The weight of him on top of me helped me feel somewhat grounded, comfortable in fact. I shook my head, pouting at him. He was smiling like an idiot, his messy hair covering his eyes. I couldn't get over how beautiful he was to me, even his blackened soul- even that was beautiful to me.
"What clothes would you wear, if nobody judged you?" He asked, pulling a face at me.

I frowned, deep in thought. After many years of secretly wearing my sister's clothes, I truly had no idea. My sister had some taste- when it came to dresses anyway- but, after inspecting her underwear in all of its battleship-grey loveliness, I decided that I was more of a lace kind of boy. The thought of wearing a pair of pink, lace underwear really appealed to me. I smiled, he inched closed to me, poking me in the cheek as if to get me to speak. "A boy can never be unhappy in lace." I said simply, he turned onto his back, smiling up at the ceiling. "I think that I'd look somewhat attractive in lace. What do you think?" I asked, putting my hand on his chiseled chest.

"Baby, I think that you look amazing in anything that you wear. Even in those." He said, pointing to my simple grey boxers with his ring finger.

"If I had known, I would've worn something sexier." I said, rolling my eyes sarcastically. He grabbed hold of my hand, kissing the back of it, holding my fingers to his mouth.

"How about, wear nothing, because I like to look at all of you, not just the bits that aren't covered by your underwear. Or your clothes. Maybe, maybe, you could come to work with no clothes on, so my life would be one hundred percent easier." He joked, I tapped his hand, he was laughing. As much as I felt free, wandering around his apartment completely naked, there was no amount of money that anybody could pay me to walk into that lobby with no clothes on. There was probably no amount of money that anybody could pay me, to walk outside of my own room in female clothing. As much as I wanted to, I could never bring myself to do it. My mother's heart would give in for sure.

"Your room, yes. Your suite, maybe. The hotel, no. Outside the hotel, definitely no." I said, holding my index finger up to him like a scolding parent. He pulled a face playfully, flashing a toothy grin at me.

"Why do you tease me like this? People would kill to look at your body, it's perfect." He said with a fake whine, rolling over again to plant his face into the blanket. I chuckled in disbelief- I would never find this body of mine perfect. When I was free of my mother and sister, when I was free of any worries of judgement or disgust- only then would I ever feel perfect. When I could dress up and look beautiful, with people not knowing who I was- then I would look happy.
I felt a tear brimming in my eye, I hastily wiped it away. Of course, I would ruin a perfect moment. It was typical of me. Thaddeus looked up slowly, scowling at me. By then, I couldn't stop myself. I was sniffling like an idiot, trying to wipe the waterfalls away from my eyes. Sitting up, I copied him, sitting in front of him. He took my hands, swiping his thumbs gently across the back of them, trying to hold eye contact with me.

"What's wrong?" He asked, he's authoritative tone returning. I shook my head, confused by my conflicting emotions, angry by the fact that I always ruined good moments for myself- I never allowed myself to be happy. "Jacob Hill, tell me what is wrong." He repeated, lifting my falling chin.

"I'm not perfect." I said simply, my lips quivering. I was struggling to see him now, my ears blurring my vision.

"What makes you say that?" He quizzed me, holding my head up high. If I couldn't do it, I knew that I had him to do it for me. He respected me, and he knew how to make me see things that I would refuse to see otherwise.

"I-I don't know Thaddeus, I don't know. I don't look the way that I want to. I'm stuck, in this body, that I can do nothing with other than clothe and go along with what's expected of me.  I-I don't know what to do Thaddeus, I'm so unhappy like this. It's making me down, and I can't even enjoy simple things like looking at my own reflection-"

"Please tell me, who's stopping you from dressing the way that you like. Please do enlighten me." He interrupted, keeping a straight face, his tone. He had a point- nobody was keeping me from being myself. The only person, was me. The one person that told me that I was being unacceptable was myself.

"Me."

"Exactly. You. I've told you many times that I want you to be who you are, and I want you to be happy- because that makes me happy. Being able to see you smile because you are genuinely happy, and not pretending to be, would be my dream. The one thing that I would want, is for you to smile and mean it." He said truthfully, maintaining eye contact. I knew that he was being serious, the aura around him had changed. I nodded, a tear dropping onto the blanket. He sighed, wiping his face with his pale hand. "Come here." He said, opening his arms, wrapping me in a tight hug.
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Song Of The Chapter- Woman by Harry Styles

A.N
I haven't written in a while because I've been ridiculously busy with college, and with my new job - Starbucks barista at your service ;) - I've also been perfecting my film script, and I'm gonna write the story version of it whenever I have the time. You guys probably think that is cliche, but it's set in the 90's and the main character is strangely lovable.

Anyway, don't forget to comment and vote because it really helps me out my babes <3