I'd been home for a for about two weeks, and Ember and I were right back where we were before we 'broke up'. She'd sleep in my bed every single night. I was feeling a little better but my stamina was not what I wished it was, not to mention I'd lost some weight and needed to gain it back. JYP had of course sent out a message about my hospital stay and my doctor ordered me to rest for at least a month before I resumed my schedules. STAYs were sending very sweet caring messages on Bubble and other places to let me know they hoped I was ok.

I had just woken up and somehow Ember was all the way on the other side of the bed. I pulled her in towards me and wrapped my arms around her as I stuck my face in her neck and kissed her shoulder.

"Mmmm" She mumbled rolling over and looking at me. "Hi" She said with a sleepy smile on her face, her eyes just half open.

"Hi." I said kissing her quickly and pulling her closer. "Why are you so far away?" I pouted.
She shrugged her shoulders and cuddled up to under the warm thick blankets on my bed. "How is it still winter? That's what I'd like to know. It's almost March. Why so cold?"

"It supposed to snow again today" I said laughing at the cute face she was making.

"Noooooooooo" She said pulling the blankets up over her even higher. I laughed and pushed a small part of the blanket out of the way so I could see her face and ran my thumb along her cheekbone.

"I can keep you warm baby" I said quietly pulling her in for a kiss. It'd been too long, and I missed her.

"You can't do that right now." She said looking at me.  I hung my head and put my forehead against hers.

"Em. Please. I'm dying over here." I whined while laughing. "I feel better. My head doesn't hurt, my neck doesn't hurt, my vision is back to normal. Please."

"Nope." She smirked, with that smile I knew she wasn't serious. I straddled her quickly and started tickling her. She let out the cutest little squeal and swatted at my chest. "Get off me, sir" she joked.

"No" I laughed as she stopped giggling and looked at me. I leaned down and kissed her, feeling her kissing me back.

We ended up rolling over and I made quick work of taking her shirt off. She grabbed at my pants and we both pulled those off too. I sat up underneath her and kissed her again holding her hips down towards my thighs. She kissed my neck and raked her fingers through my hair while I had another hand holding the back of her neck. I leaned back against my headboard as she started to kiss my lips, my neck, my chest, and then I pushed her backwards and she landed back on the end of the bed laughing as I laid on top of her kissing all the way down to her thighs. Kissing the inside of each one before licking her center and hearing her moan. I wanted to draw this out, but I wanted her so badly I didn't think I could.

I slowly kissed my way back up her body and lined myself up with her and pushed myself inside of her. I sharply inhaled air at how good she felt. I managed to push in and out a few times before she rolled us over and bucked her hips on top of me. Just seeing her look like this, a complete mess. Her wavy long hair was around her shoulders and her face was cortored in the most beautiful way, enjoying the pleasure of me inside her. She laid her body down on top of me and kissed me as she continued to move on me. I pressed my head back against the bed groaning as she started to tighten up around me. I rolled us back over and put a hand up by her head and grabbing her thigh and pulling her leg up next to me trying to get as deep as I could. She started moaning a little louder and I knew I was getting close. She put a hand up on my shoulder and her back started to arch as I felt myself almost there. "Keep going, Jisung" She begged until I felt her really start to tighten up and I finally let myself go, letting go of her leg and rolling off of her.

We both just laid there in a comfortable silence catching our breath. Eventually she sat up and crawled to the top of the bed and got back down under the blankets, and I followed her and pulled her in close to me.

"Happy now?" She joked looking up at me.

"Yes." I sighed. She laughed again and threw an arm around my waist.

"Your head doesn't hurt does it? Your neck is ok?" She asked suddenly worried.

"I'm fine, Em" I said kissing her forehead. "Just don't tell my doctor." I laughed.

"Are you sure?" She asked still worried, "how many fingers am I holding up?" She asked holding two fingers in front of my face. I paused for a moment before I answered her, pretending I couldn't tell.

"Four" I said confidently. Her eyes widened and she started to sit up. "I'm kidding! Two!" I said grabbing her fingers and kissing her hand.

"Don't do that to me!" She said slapping my shoulder and laughing.

"I love you" I said laying my head down on top of hers and kissing it.

"I love you more." She said. "I really am sorry, for doing what I did. I always get that way in relationships. I just learned to end it before they hurt me. It's not just you, Jisung"

"It's ok." I mumbled, trying not to think about how miserable I'd been. "I need to make a better balance between work and my life." I said.

"No, you had to put in those hours. You had a comeback coming up. You had things to get done. I was just...skittish and took it as a sign when there wasn't anything there." She mumbled into my chest. "being with you is the best thing I've ever done. I don't want anyone else but you."

"I don't want anyone else either" I said when Minho burst through my door. "Coulda sworn I locked that, I mumbled as he let himself in my room and started going through my closet.

"Don't mind me." He said as he started looking for something.

"Minho. What the heck are you even looking for?" I asked sitting up and staring at my closet.

"Didn't I let you borrow that sweatshirt a couple months ago?" He said sounding muffled.

"I have lots of sweatshirts, care to tell me which one?" I asked rolling my eyes.

"That dark blue one with the cat on the front." He asked still rummaging through my closet.

"Do I look like someone that's going to wear a sweatshirt with a cat on it?" I asked having no clue what he was talking about. I heard him stop moving around and he came out of the closet.

"You're right, must've been Felix." He said without even noticing that he'd walked in on something.

When he left and closed the door, I laid back down and pulled Ember back towards me. "How rude" she joked. "I'm the one he loaned the sweater to." She laughed.

"Oh my god, Em" I said laughing. "He's going to be looking for that thing all day now."

"I don't even remember when he loaned it to me. I haven't even worn it since then." She laughed.

"You don't wear my sweatshirts, but you'll wear his? I'm offended." I said pretending to be hurt.

"Oh get over it, you big baby" She said pretending to be mad.

I leaned in close to her ear and whispered in the deepest voice I could, "Make me" I mumbled.

That alone started a whole other round of her crawling on top of me, and the both of us making each other hitch our breaths. Though I really made sure the door was locked this time. If I'm stuck in this dorm for another two weeks, I might as well have some fun.

***
Two weeks later and I was allowed to go back to practice. My time off delayed our comeback by a month. So now I had to get my stamina back up to where it was in a very short amount of time.

"DAMNIT!" I yelled as I again screwed up the dance steps. Minho kept looking at me like I was annoying him.

"We'll just go a little slower, Jisung. Just relax. We're all learning it." Chan said putting a hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged off his hand and was starting to get angry. "No. I should've picked this up by now." I said as my frustration was building. I stepped towards the back of the room and pushed my hair out of my face and put my hands on my hips. My back hurt, my legs hurt, my feet were sore, and I was out of breath. Oh, but my head doesn't hurt I though rolling my eyes. It amazed me how in just a month I went from being in really good shape to not being in shape at all. I drank from my water bottle and closed my eyes to catch my breath.

"Ok, again" I said walked back over to the group and they all looking at me with worry plastered on their faces. "Stop looking at me like that." I said not making eye contact with them.

Four hours later I only had one of the dances down, and thank god it was the one for the music video. The day had been filled with profanity and put downs. Frustrated with my body, my brain and how they didn't seem to be very connected.

"Stop being so hard on yourself" Minho told me as he grabbed the rest of his stuff and looked at me as everyone else left.

"I don't have time to not be hard on myself. I still have two other dances to learn."

"Stressing yourself out and freaking out like you are doesn't help, it makes it harder." He said calmly.

"Dancing is easy for you. You pick everything up the minute you learn it. I don't, I never have."

"It doesn't mean I don't work at it, Jisung. I can stay late with you if you want to work on it some more." He said still calm and starting to annoy me. Apparently my ability to have patience also went away.

"I don't care." I said grabbing my stuff and left the studio angry. "Fuck this" I said under my breath. Minho shook his head behind me and followed me out the door.

When I got home that night, Ember wasn't there so I pulled my shoes back on and texted her letter her know I was on my way over. Tonight was not a night I wanted to just be alone with my own thoughts. She texted me back and let me know she was home, so I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets and walked over. Thank god she lived only a ten minute walk away.

"Hey!" She said brightly as she opened the door. I looked at her with a sad look on my face and she pulled me inside.

"What's wrong, Hannie?"

"Nothing. Just wanted to see you" I mumbled, keeping my eyes on my feet.

"Don't lie to me." She said sliding her arms around my waist and pulling me in towards her.

"I just wanna go to bed." I said quietly as she nodded, it was after 11, and I had another grueling all day practice tomorrow. Right now I needed to calm myself down and talk myself out of giving up.

"Ok, let's go to bed." She said as she walked towards the stairs to her loft and I followed behind her. When we got to the top of the stairs she turned around and looked at me. She put a hand to my cheek and I closed my eyes and leaned into it. It was warm and comforting and it was calming me down. She got up on her toes and kissed me on the lips, she took both of my hands in hers and led me towards her bed, and I sat down on the edge of the bed and she sat in my lap with and arm around my neck. "You ok? What happened today?"

I shook my head and wrapped both arms around her waist. "I don't think I can do this yet. My whole body is sore. My whole body is never sore after one practice."

"You've been out of commission for a little bit. It's going to come back." She said with her thumb brushing my cheek. Her touch alone was giving me the strength I needed to try and block out all of my doubts, but I still felt unsure.
I just nodded my head and she pressed her forehead to mine. "I need sleep" I said quietly as she stood up from my lap and kissing my forehead before she went to her bathroom to get ready for bed. I took off my shirt, sweatpants, and socks and crawled into her bed. It was definitely more comfortable then mine. I sunk down under the covers and laid my head back against the fluffy pillows and took a deep breath in and out.

"Comfy?" She asked as she came back in the room in one of my old shirts. I nodded my head and smiled at her as she got under the blankets and curled up next to me. I closed my eyes and prayed that I'd have a better attitude tomorrow.

***

The next morning I woke up alone. Which was fine, I figured she'd have work anyway. She'd been working on a debut album for a new group lately. I didn't feel as positive as I'd hoped I would, but I pulled myself out of bed, took a hot shower, took some Tylenol for my muscle aches and threw on some clothes that I kept at her place.

I walked back to the dorm and ran inside to grab the stuff I'd need for the day and followed the rest of them to the car. Minho sat next to me in the back. "Feeling any better?" He asked nicely. I could never understand why people called him cold. He just had a different way of showing he cared.

"No, but I'll get over it" I said giving a forced smile as he nodded his head and smiled at me.

"If you need us to stop or slow down or you need a break, no one is going to get upset with you. The last month has been really rough for you, we understand, ok?"

I nodded and tried to take what he said to heart. It wasn't that I had been frustrated with them. I was frustrated with myself. And with how sore my whole body was right now, I had a feeling that was going to happen again today.

When we got to the practice room, I took a little longer warming up and stretching then I normally did, hoping that warming up my muscles was going to help my brain retain the information longer. "Ready?" Minho asked as he walked by me. I gave him an unsure look and we got started.

***

Halfway through our eight hour day of practice I was finally starting to get it down, but after constant physical movement I was dying. I was sitting in the back of the room taking a break. I had my knees up with my arms on my knees and my head hung down low. Trying to slow down my heart that was racing. That was when I felt a small hand on my back. I looked up and saw Ember sitting down next to me. She was definitely a sight for sore eyes. She had her hair pulled up in a messy bun with some loose pieces hanging down, she had on a loose knit sweater and some distressed jeans, with some white sneakers.

"Hey" I said exhausted. "Don't you have to work today?" I asked confused.

"I do, but I have an hour lunch. I wanted to come check on you." She smiled. That smile made me melt every time. Her little dimples were appear and her eyes would sparkle.

"So  you wanted to come and see me make a mess of the choreo?" I asked raising an eyebrow and giving a forced laugh.

"No, I came to be supportive." She smiled again nodding her head in confidence. I rolled my eyes and laughed again.

"Ready, Jisung?" Chan asked and I slowly and reluctantly got up.

"I guess so." I mumbled walking to my place in the choreography and Minho started the song again counting us in.

By the time we finished the day I felt like my body was falling apart. My heart was racing, by back was in excrutiating pain, and I found it hard to stand up straight. I didn't think I could do another full day of this without dying.

There's this thing in K-pop that idols do that we learn from the first day we're trainees. If we're in pain we swallow it down and work through it. We ignore what our bodies are telling us and we keep going. While I desperately wanted to do that. I needed just one day. I'd practiced every single day this week and tomorrow was Saturday.

"Chan? Can I talk to you?" I asked out of breath. He looked at me concerned as we walked over to a corner of the room away from everyone else.

"What's wrong?" He asked looking at me like a worried father.

"Nothing really. I just don't think I can do this again tomorrow. My whole body is in a lot of pain. I keep trying to push through it, I just don't think I can. I need a day off, please. Chan I'm dying." I said feeling guilty for asking for a day off. I was usually one of the ones that pushed everyone else to keep going. Telling them they can do it. He had to know how bad off I was if I was the one asking for a day off.

"Ok, let me talk to our manager and I'll see." He said nodding his head. Great, I'd forgotten that part. Asking the manager for permission and 99% of the time he said no, push through the pain, deal with the pain. Felix has been dealing with a slipped disc for almost a year now and they only gave him two weeks off.

"No, nevermind. He'll deny it anyway. I'll figure it out." I said disappointed. Another eight hour practice for the next four days straight sounded like torture. "Maybe I should just go to the gym and do something to strengthen me back up." I mumbled as I walked away.

That night when I got home I changed and went to the gym. Which probably was a bad idea considering the pain I was already in, but I was anxious to just get my body back where it was. I'd been trying to eat better, I was drinking only water all day every day, and nothing was helping. Even the Tylenol wasn't helping anymore.

"What the hell are you doing down here?" Changbin asked as he walked into the empty gym. Not many people really worked out at 10pm.

"The same thing you are." I said doing pushups.

"Get out of here, man. Go get some rest. Are you trying to kill yourself?" He said sitting down at one of the machines.

"No" I said bluntly and kept going. I didn't even notice that Changbin was texting someone, until Chan came into the gym and stood directly in front of me.

"Go to bed, Jisung" He said looking at me sternly.

"No" I said again starting to do situps.

"I got you tomorrow off. You need to rest your body for a couple days. Our manager called your doctor, he wants you to start back up a little slower then what we've been doing." He said sitting down on the floor next to me.

"He what?" I said stopping out of breath.

"Apparently, they threw you back in too quick. The doctor wants you to do every other practice or a short practice every day. You spend the rest of the time in the gym doing simple exercises with our trainer to build you back up. Your doctor was pretty upset actually."

I laid back on the gym floor and tried to catch my breath. Thank god. I loved working hard and making music, and doing things for our fans, and dancing on stage. I just needed time.

"Thank god" I said outloud as Chan let out a laugh. "I'm sorry Chan. I know I'm being difficult."

"No, you're not. You're healing. We gotta build you back up after so much time off. All you could do was lay in bed and sleep for two or three weeks, not mention the week you spent in the hospital. Muscles start to atrophy in just a few days." he explained while I stared at the ceiling. "Now go to bed, Ember's in the dorm waiting for you anyway." He finished.

"Ok" I said quietly standing up and heading towards the door.

"I'll email you your new schedule when I get it, ok?" Chan said pulling out his phone.

I waved back in his direction and headed back up to the dorm. Ember was sitting on my bed with her laptop when I walked in and collapsed onto the bed. "Chan told me your manager screwed up." She said not taking her eyes off of her computer.

"Yeah. Like big time." I said closing my eyes and mumbling. "Thank god I have tomorrow off. I can't even walk without being in pain, but hey, my head doesn't hurt." I gave a half hearted thumbs up with my eyes still closed.

"Well, I mean that's good" She suggested, closing her computer and rubbing my head. She knew that was the one thing that would calm me down instantly. Her fingers running through my hair.

I rolled over on my side and moved my head closer to her, silently telling her I was enjoying it. "Sometimes you're like a dog, I swear. A quokka dog" She laughed.

"MmmHmm" I said with a smile on my face for the first time today. She always put a smile on my face. Even when I was in the hospital and felt like I'd rather be dead, she manged to make me try to smile. I laid there with my head on her chest for a little while longer before I completely passed out. I kept chanting to myself in my head that everything was going to be fine. I just felt like I was failing a lot of people, and they knew, and they were upset with me.

***

Exactly one month later and I was FINALLY back to my old self. I felt good, my abs had made a reapperance and I could make it through an entire concerts worth of dancing before I felt exhausted. Right now though, Ember was the only thing on my to do list, and my god, we spent more time naked lately then not...because the sex the last couple week was...the best of my life. It was a mix of finally feeling like myself, being happy with my body, being in love with her, and releif that I was back to 100%.

I pushed her up against the wall of her apartment loft with her legs wrapped around my waist. My arms around her waist and my face in her neck. She pushed us clumsily away from the wall and I gently threw her onto the bed. Kneeling down at the bottom of the bed I pulled her towards me kissed all up and down her thighs before moving to the warmth between them. I licked a stripe up her center before moving to the small bundle of nerves in the middle, flicking it with my tongue and then sucking gently. The sounds coming from only encouraged me to keep going. She put her hand in my hair while she laid her legs on my shoulders. I flicked my tongue against her several times before she sounded like she was almost done, that was when I pulled away and moved back to her thighs. She begged me to keep going, but I was having fun teasing her.

"Hannie..." She managed to get out when I pulled away. I stood up and looked down at her laying there before I slid inside of her, "Unh" She moaned as I started pumping in and out of her. I threw my head back and made noises myself as she got more and more wet around me. As I got close my legs were getting weak. My movements getting sloppy as I felt that feeling in my gut. She kept moaning "harder" and "faster" as I felt myself get close and finally explode just after she did.

"Oh my god" She breathed as we both collapsed onto her bed. "I had heard rappers were good at certain things." She joked.

I let out a loud laugh and put an arm behind my head. "We do know how to use our tongues" I joked back.

"I missed you, Hannie. I know you were getting better, I know that took a while, but I'm glad the old Hannie's back." She smiled at me as I pulled the blankets up over us. I rolled over on my side so I could face her.

"Me too. I don't ever want to do that again." I said widening my eyes in fear. She laughed at me and rolled over on her side to face me.

I put a hand up to her face and smiled, for some reason my sentimental side was wanting to come out. "I'm gonna marry you someday, Em" I whispered to her in the quiet apartment.

She smiled and pushed her face gently against my hand. "You better."

I smiled and quietly laughed to myself. She snuggled her face into my chest and we laid there in each other's arms in a comfortable silence while I played with her hair.

"We're going on tour in a couple months" I told her, I'd been hiding it from her for a short time, but I had to tell her eventually.

"nooo" She mumbled looking up me pouting. "take me with you." She said like a sad child.

"Ha, believe me I wish I could. But it's a short one. A couple stops in Europe and then Jakarta, then Japan. It's about 2 months."

"Hmph" She complained trying to push me away in fake anger. "Fine"

I laughed out loud and pulled in towards me again. "Just think how much fun we'll have when I get home." I whispered in her ear in the deepest smoothest voice I could without sounding stupid.

"Go to sleep, Jisung" She said finally laughing. "You're done."

We both broke into laughter after that. I had to say, pillow talk was my favorite. The quiet moments after the dirty crazy hot ones. When she'd curl up to me and we'd talk quietly between us about our future, or our hopes and dreams and fears. The things you don't really say during the day but only whisper to each other in vulnerable moments like these. Those were my favorite moments. Maybe it's the raging hormones still in my body after what we did, or maybe it's because I'm so crazy about her, or maybe it's just because I'm a sentimental human being.