My bed felt empty when I woke up the next morning. She was gone. I don't know what I was expecting, it's not like she was going to cuddle with me or anything. She probably just went to work. I pulled myself up from under the covers and threw my clothes on for the day. We had practice, lots and lots and lots of practice today. Learning new choreography was my least favorite part of being and idol. Once I got it down I was good, but learning it was rough. About as rough as trying to remember my own lyrics...the ones I wrote.

"HYUNJIN-AH! GET UP!" I heard Binnie yelling as he stood in the kitchen.

"Why are you yelling? Can't you just go knock?" I asked as I turned on the coffee machine.

"He doesn't respond well to knocking for some reason yelling is better." Changbin said shrugging his shoulders. I shook my head as Minho suddenly appeared next to me with an empty coffee cup.

"Can I help you?" I asked confused.

"We're out of coffee, I came to steal yours." He said waving his empty cup in front of my face.

Mornings like this were always chaotic. Hyunjin would sleep til the last possible minute he could, Changbin and Chan would run to the gym, Minho would be in search of coffee. Felix would already be in wide awake morning person mode, Seungmin would sit quietly on the couch scrolling on his phone while eating something and Jeonin would be taking selfies of his outfit for the day. I'd be drinking coffee and shoving food in my mouth before Chan pushed us all out the door.

"I saw Ember leave this morning when I got up. She sleep over?" Chan asked as we sat in the van waiting to leave.

"It's not like that, don't get your hopes up." I said waving it off.

"Oh my god, Jisung. Say something to her for the love of god. I swear." He whined.

"You STILL haven't said anything?" Hyunjin asked widening his eyes and looking at me. "It's not hard, Jisung."

"Well, excuse me if I'm not Mr All the Girls Fall for Me cause I have long hair." I said rolling my eyes.

"You don't need all the girls, Han. Just that one." He said shrugging his shoulders and turning back around in his seat.

"He's right." Chan said pointing at Hyunjin.

"Grow some balls." Seungmin said from the other side of me.

"Can everyone stop telling me to grow a pair? I have them, they're fine." I yelled holding my hands up laughing uncomfortably. Jeongin turned around and look at me with a sly smile on his face. "Not you. Don't say it." I said cutting
him off.

"I'm gonna win." Changbin muttered to himself.

"Win what?" I asked confused.

"We took bets on how long it'll be before you confess your love." Suengmin joked, "I said a year."

"I guessed six months!" Changbin said too excited while the others went around the van and said what they guessed.

"Kill me." I muttered. This wasn't happening. Even my friends were taking bets to find out when I'd say something to Ember. It was getting to a point that they were finding it hard to keep their mouths shut. "Look, she's had a hard time in the last three months with some stuff. I don't want to say anything right now and make her life more complicated then it already is. Ok?"

"Uh huh. Suuuure" Jeongin laughed giving Changbin a high five.

***
A couple weeks later, Ember called me as I was getting ready for bed. Which was unusual these days. She normally just comes over since her apartment is so close to the dorm.

"Just wanted to hear my voice before bed? I'm flattered." I joked as I picked up the phone.

"Ha. Ha." She said sarcastically. "No, I wanted to come over."

"I was just getting ready for bed." I said as I brushed my hair back out of my face.

"Perfect. I'll be right over."

She'd been spending a lot of time in my bed lately. To the point that the side she usually slept on smelled like her. She didn't like sleeping in her apartment alone. What had happened made it difficult for her to do that. So she came over almost every single night and slept in my room with me.

One morning I woke up with my arms around her waist and she had her back pressed against my chest. I must've laid there for a good half an hour before she woke up and moved. That was the part I hated, when she woke up. Not to sound creepy, just because when she woke up she got right out of bed like we didn't just wake up with our arms around each other.

Tonight was no exception. She got into my bed and laid down on her side while I went back to my camping video on youtube.

"How in the world did you get into watching camping? You've never been camping." She laughed

"I don't know. I got suggested one and I watched it.  It was raining the whole video and they didn't talk much and it was like ASMR almost. You could hear them unzipping the cases to things and setting everything up, then they would cook and you can hear it boiling. It's just relaxing I guess." I shrugged.

"Hmm. It does sound relaxing." She said as she pulled the blanket up over her shoulder and tucked it under her chin. She looked adorable. "I should find something relaxing to do before bed. Maybe then my anxiety wouldn't force me to come here." She rolled her eyes.

"I don't mind you coming here." I said quickly, I secretly didn't want her to stop coming over. I slept better when she was in my room. She was a very calming presence in my life and I wasn't afraid to admit that I needed that.

"I know you don't. But what if you wanted to bring a girl home? I can't be here for that. I need to be ok at my own place at night."

"Ha, like I'm going to do that." I said rolling my eyes. It'd been a while, we'll leave it at that.

"Why not?" She asked looking at me.

"Why not?" I asked letting out a strained laugh. "We're not going to talk about my sex life, ok?"

"Jisung."

"I'm serious, Ember. There's nothing to talk about. I have no instrest in bringing anyone home." I said, Cause you're already here.

"Oh come on. You don't have your eye on anyone?" She prodded sitting up and looking at me.

"No" I insisted, because I've had my eye on you and I don't know how to tell you.

"Hmph" She said as she laid back down. I took a deep breath when she wasn't looking.

"Hmph?" I mimiced, "That's all I get from you?" I laughed as I looked over at her.

"I was hoping I'd get gossip on who you were interested in. I didn't. Now I'm sad." She answered looking at me with the most adorable pouty face. She'd mastered the puppy eyes.

"There's no one, Em. Sorry to disappoint."

"Oh well." She said rolling over, "Guess it's time for bed."

"Ok, look there might be someone." I started, instantly having regret for saying that. You're going to tell her now, Jisung? Bad timing.

"THERE IS?!" She instantly sat up and looked at me. I couldn't help it. She seemed so down lately and maybe if I made up someone I was interested in it would cheer her up.

"Maybe, but it's not going to happen. It doesn't matter." I said as I swallowed hard. Don't tell her now. Now is a bad time, she can't even stay in her apartment alone at night. Now is bad.

"WHO!?" She asked, yelling at me out of excitement.

"It doesn't matter. Really it's fine." I said as regret washed over me in waves.

"What's her name? Where's she from? What does she do for fun? Oh! Is she pretty? I mean that doesn't matter, but I still wanna know." She blurted out in one breath.

"Just, it's a complicated situation. I'd rather not get into it." I said shutting her down before I lost it and screamed that it was her and how could she not know.

"Oh. So....still time for bed?" She asked.

"Yes. Time for bed." I replied as I rolled over with my back to her and silently kicked myself. I could have just said no. Why didn't I just say no? I heard her sigh and lay back down. I had so desperately wanted to cheer her up and make her feel better that I've now invented some girl I have a crush on.

***
A few days later she met me for lunch at the JYP building, with one single intention. To get me to ask this imaginary girl out.

"C'mon. You have to! You deserve a someone, Jisung." She whined.

"Nope. I'm fine the way I am. I swear." I said as I shoved a piece of chicken in my mouth.

"When was the last relationship you had? Like a year ago or something? Aren't you lonely?" She asked pushing the issue.

"No." I replied, still kicking myself for putting myself in this situation.

"Hannie." She started, "What if I set you up on a date then? With mystery girl?"

"No." I said again, shoving more chicken in my mouth.

"Jisung. C'mon. It's not like your last relationship was a bad break up. Why can't you just say something to her?" She asked again.

"Because I don't want to" I said hoping that she'd just let it go. This conversation was ruining my appetite.

"But-" she started, but I bubbled over and cut her off.

"STOP IT!" I said more loudly then I meant to. "Stop pushing! If I wanted to say something I would!!" I yelled again.

She shut her mouth and looked at me in shock. I'd never yelled at her before. Even as friends we'd never fought about anything.

"oh" She said quietly, now pushing her food around on her plate. She didn't look back up at me after that. She grabbed her bag and stood up from the table.

"No. Ember, wait." I said as she started to walk away. "Wait." I stood in front of her trying to stop her from leaving. She looked up at me, her eyes looking like she was going to cry. Damnit, I didn't mean to make her cry. "Don't leave." I begged.

Without a word she walked around me and went towards the exit. I threw myself back down in the chair hating myself for yelling at her. She's crying and it's because of me.

Felix came over and sat down where she had been with a giant bowl of ramyeon. "What was that all about?" He asked.

"I'm an ass. That's what it's about. I'm a massive asshole." I said pushing away my plate and putting my hands over my face.

"Did you tell her?" He asked.

"No. Well. I don't know. A few nights ago we were talking and she asked if I had my eye on anyone and like an idiot I said yes and now she thinks there's some girl out there that I have a crush on and I don't have the guts to tell her it's her. So I yelled at her because she kept talking about it. I know she's just wanting me to be happy, but how do I say that she's the only one that would make me happy?" I said all in one breath, as if it was all one sentence.

"Wow." Felix said just staring at me, processing what I just rambled on about.

"I know." I groaned putting my forehead against the table.

"Give her some time. I'm sure she'll be fine." He said as he started eating his lunch.

"No. You don't understand, we NEVER fight. We haven't had a single argument since the day we met. This is bad, Felix. I fucked up."

***
One week had gone by and Ember still wasn't talking to me. I had decided I was going to wait until she got home from work and go see her. We'd never gone a week without talking. Even if we were busy, we'd at least message hi to each other. So around 7pm I walked to her apartment. It was starting to get cold at night, and the leaves were starting to change colors. It was probably my favorite time of year. Especially when the leaves started covering the sidewalks. There was something magical about it to me.

Knocking on the door I was nervous. There was one of two ways this could go. Either I make something up and tell her there wasn't anyone, or I tell her it's her. We'll see, I hadn't fully decided what I was going to say just yet.

"What?" She said answering the door in her pajamas and looking at me.

"Can we talk?" I asked. She tilted her head to the side and opened the door to let me in. She went back to her kitchen and whatever she was cooking not really saying anything to me. "Em, I'm sorry." That seemed like a good place to start.

She just leaned against the wall next to her stove while she stirred what she was cooking.

"Please. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. You know me, I hate you not talking to me like this. I'm so sorry."

She nodded her head slowly and still wouldn't look at me.

"Say something. Please? I miss you." I said stepping closer to her.

"Why did you yell at me?" She said just above a whisper.

"I don't know. Cause I'm an idiot? You didn't deserve to be yelled at. I was stressed out from practice, and I know that's not a good excuse." I said hanging my head. I focused down at my hands when I heard her drop the spoon on the counter and walk over to me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and gave me a hug. I slowly wrapped an arm around her and told her again I was sorry.

"I'm sorry too." She said pulling away from me. "I shouldn't have kept pushing you. You'll say something to her when you're ready. I don't like being mad at you. It feels weird."

I nodded my head and smiled at her, if only she knew.

"You hungry?" She asked as she turned off the stove.

"When am I not hungry?" I said as she pulled two plates out the cabinet and split what she'd made. "You made kimchi fried rice?! Did you know I was coming over?"

She laughed and shoved the plate at my chest. "Eat."

We spent the rest of the night like nothing happened, which was a relief that she'd been open to my apology. I watched her as she sat intently watching the K-Drama she'd been binging lately. Her wide doe eyes intently focused on the screen. I'd steal glances at her when she wasn't looking. She wore a crop top that just hit the top of her pajama pants only showing just the slightist bits of skin when she moved her arms. To  me, this was when she was the most beautiful. When she didn't care about what everyone else was thinking of her.

"What?" She asked as she caught me looking at her. Damnit.

"Nothing." I said shaking my head and looking back at the TV. She looked at me for a moment like I was being weird, then shrugged her shoulders and took the last bite of her food.

"I have a date tomorrow." She said not taking her eyes off the TV.

"Oh. That's nice." I said awkwardly as my heart dropped into my stomach. Usually I was thousands of miles away when she went on dates, the distance made it easier somehow. "Have fun"

She looked over at me raising an eyebrow, "Why are you being weird?"

"I'm not weird." I laughed nervously, you stared too long, man. Now you've been caught.

"You've been kinda weird lately. Do you not want me to go?" She asked. Was she hinting at something? The words that Chan had said to me months ago flashed through my brain. Does she feel something for me too?

"Nope. I'm fine. Go on your date." I said quickly, just wanting this conversation to end...and fast. Of course I don't want you to go. I want you to love me the way I love you.

"Oh." She said shrugging her shoulders and grabbing my plate and hers while she stood up. I rolled my eyes to myself while she was out of the room. Feeling like a complete idiot. Damnit, Jisung, tell her. Just have the guts to tell her, before she falls for someone else.

While I heard her doing dishes in the dim apartment, my heart started racing. Was I really going to do this? Right now? The timing is bad, but when the hell is the timing ever going to be good? If I keep waiting for the perfect moment to tell her I may never do it. I stood up from the couch and stood in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Ember?"

"What?" She asked looking up from the sink. I took a deep breath and prayed that I wasn't about to lose the most important person in my life.

"Can we talk?" I asked, rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans.