Han. Jisung. Hannie. Hanji. That's me. I am Han Jisung. Rapper, singer, dancer, one producer of three in Stray Kids. I may look like I'm this fun outgoing person that would be picking up girls left and right, but I'm not. There was one girl I wanted and she had no idea how I felt. We went to school together in Mylasia. She moved back home to America when I moved back to Korea to join Stray Kids.

We met on the first day of our first year, fifteen years old. She had this hot pink streak through her black hair and me being the clumsy person I am ran straight into her because I was running late to my next class. The classic all her books hit the ground kinda thing. She looked up at me and had the most beautiful light brown eyes I'd ever seen. They were like honey in the sun. Geez, now I sound like I'm obsessed with her or something. I swear I'm not, I'm just completely and totally in love with her.

Her dad was American and her mother was Korean, but she looked fully Korean. Not that it mattered, I'd be in love with her anyway. She had long dark hair that had a soft natural wave to it. Her name is Ember Eun-Ji Lee. Her parents gave their children their mother's last name because their father's last name was quite long and hard for most to pronounce.

"Hannie!" I heard Chan yell through the dorm tearing me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I yelled back not bothering to get off my bed or open the bedroom door.

"Do your dishes!" Chan yelled back as he stood in the kitchen.

"Aish" I complained pulling myself up off of my bed and walked out the kitchen. "Chan?"

"What?" He asked exaserbated. Taking a deep breath.

"These aren't mine." I said pointing at them, "They're Binnie's"

"Do them anyway please." He said throwing himself down on the couch.

"CHANGBIN!" I yelled loudly from the kitchen. "DO YOUR DISHES!"

Chan sat on the couch looking at me in shock "Really, Jisung?"

"Yes." I mumbled and went back to my room. I'd been waiting for Ember to call me for hours, but she was late today. She'd had a date and didn't know what time she'd be home. It was always hard for me when she would go on dates. I wanted to be the one to take her out and have fun. Every single time I was worried she'd find some guy she'd fall in love with and want to be with forever and I'd never get my chance. I knew I had to tell her someday, but I just didn't have the confidence.

Finally as I was just giving up hope that I'd hear from her tonight, my phone rang. I took a deep breath before answering.

"Hey, Em" I said trying to sound nonchalant.

"Hannie. I'm never going on another date. EVER." She sighed loudly into the phone. That made me happy to hear.

"Ha, that bad?" I laughed.

"Yeah, I'm done with dating apps."

"You? Dating apps? Done?" I said smiling just hearing her voice. I missed her. It'd been over a year since we'd been in the
same room.

"I do have some good news." She said suddenly. I could hear how happy she was.

"What's that?"

"What'cha doing next month around the 3rd?" She asked being cryptic.

"Um...I don't know. We're taking a break probably, promotions should be over by then." I said trying desperately to remember what schedules I had next month.

"Wanna help me move?" She said suddenly.

"What?" I was confused. How was I going to help her move from six thousand miles away?

"I'm moving to Korea, Hannie!" She yelled into the phone.

"WHAT?!" I asked sitting straight up on my bed in shock. "WAIT, WHAT?!"

"I got a job!" I could hear the pure excitement in her voice, and I couldn't wait to have her around all the time.

"The one you told me about? The producing job at SM?"

"YES! I can finally put my skills to good use." She concluded, "And we can hang out more often. I miss my Hannie time"

"Yes, yes we can" I said with a million thoughts running through my head. We talked for another hour before she decided she had to go to bed. She'd be moving to Seoul in three and a half weeks. Excited, I left my room and ran to the living room.

"She's moving here!" I yelled as Binnie and Chan sat on the couch and looked at me confused. I stood there expecting them to get it, but they didn't. "EMBER IS MOVING HERE!" I yelled one more time. It was no secret to the rest of the members that I had feelings for Ember.

Chan's eyes widened and Bin let out a silent "oh".

"Maybe tone it down when you see her. You might scare her off." Chan joked as Hyunjin came out of his room.

"What are you yelling about?" He asked looking at me.

"Don't yell it again." Chan said smiling, I took that as a chance to yell it again.

"EMBER! SHE'S MOVING TO KOREA IN THREE WEEKS!" I jumped up and down briefly before Hyunjin gave me his sassiest
look and walked back to his room.

"I think he's excited about something." Changbin joked elbowing Chan in the ribs.

"You think? I have no idea what." He replied laughing.

"Hey, Jisung, maybe you could get the balls to actually tell her how you feel." Changbin joked again.

"Shut up." I replied going back in my room. I knew he was joking, but it still stuck with me. I had to eventually tell her how I felt. The thing was I'd rather have her in my life as a friend and secretly be in love with her. What if we dated and things didn't work out and she never spoke to me again? I'd be destroyed. That's why I've kept it myself for so long. I'd rather have her as a friend, then not have her at all. I hope that makes sense.

***
3 WEEKS LATER
"Em!" I said as I opened the door and she stood there fresh from the airport. She was staying here tonight and getting the keys to her apartment in the morning. She had a dusty rose puffer jacket pulled over baggy overalls and a black t-shirt. Her long hair was pulled back in a low ponytail and flung forward over her shoulder. She looked just as pretty as I had ever seen her.

"HAN!" She yelled as she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me. Having her this close always drove me insane. She smelled so good, and she felt familiar. She felt like home, my home, all comfortable and warm. She pulled away from me all too soon.

"Where's everyone else?" She asked walking into the dorm and leaving her bag behind the black couch inside. She'd been to the dorms before, and she'd met everyone multiple times before when she visited. Chan was like an older brother to her, always giving her advice. Binnie was always a comic relief and Hyunjin always drew her a picture to take home with her. Felix was the one she always liked to cook with, Minho always brought his cats over so she could say hi to them. Seungmin was her karaoke buddy and IN was the one that she'd give advice to. She had her place in the group, an honorary ninth member.

"They're all next door waiting for you. Minho and Felix are cooking dinner." I said as she took her coat off and put it on top of her suitcase.

"Ooo!" She said clapping her hands excitedly, "I'm starving!"

Before she walked back out of the door I gently grabbed her elbow. I don't know what made me do it, it's not like this was the big moment where I wanted to confess my feelings.

"What's wrong?" She asked looking worried.

"Nothing! I'm just really glad you're here." I mumbled embarrassed.

She smiled at me and gave me another hug "I am too, Jisung. I've really missed you."

Walking next door I opened the door wide, "SHE HAS ARRIVED!" I yelled.

She sheepishly walked into the room as seven guys instantly ran towards her. "Oh my god" She said just before she was brought into a group of with all of us. "I can't breathe" She said from the middle of the group.

"We missed you, Ember!" Felix said excitedly.

"Yeah, it's been too long! What? A year or so?" Chan asked as he patted her on the back.

"I know. My mom was resistant to my leaving. I had to convince her I'm a twenty two year old adult." She replied rolling her eyes. After her dad died a few years ago, Ember's mom liked having both her girls under the same roof. The problem was that Ember and her mom didn't really get along very well. They were too similar to be living together for extended periods of time. I'd lost count of the amount of times over the years that she'd called me in the middle of night crying about something she'd fought with her mom about.

"Well, you're here now, that's all that matters." I said smiling at her with my hands shoved in my pockets.

"We hope you're hungry. Felix made too much food." Minho said sarcastically as Dori wrapped herself around his feet.

"Well, don't stick to me. Go say 'hi'. You know who that is." Minho said to the cat.

Ember crouched down and held her hands out to Dori. "Remember me, princess Dori?" She asked in a tiny voice, usually reserved for any kind of animal. The cat cautiously sniffed her and immeditely moved towards her arms and she picked her up. "I knew you would!"

She scratched her ears and rubbed her nose against Dori's head. "Can we eat now? I'm starving" She laughed.

"Good luck getting her to leave you alone now." Minho laughed as he walked back into the kitchen. Ember tried to put Dori down, but she just jumped right back into her lap when she sat down at the dinner table.

"I have to eat, miss Dori." She spoke to the cat. I laughed, she loved any kind of animal. It always made her face light up and she would just tune out the rest of the world sometimes.

"Pork belly, rice, kimchi, and japchae!" Felix said as he and Minho placed all the dishes on the table.

The rest of the night I had a hard time tearing my eyes away from her. Even though I hadn't seen her in person for a year, she looked just how I remembered her. Of course we would facetime, but the connection wasn't always the best and it just wasn't the same. Her light brown almost hazel eyes were very unusual for a Korean, but I could get lost in them. Yes, I'm aware how cheesy it sounds. I'd written multiple songs about those eyes, about her. Of course, a majority of them would never see the light of day.

"Haaannnnn" I heard her say as she waved a hand in front of my eyes.

"Yep, I'm here" I said focusing my eyes and coming back down to earth. "What'd I miss?"

She and Hyunjin looked at each other and then burst out laughing. "Jisung, pay attention." He joked.

"What? I'm right here." I said innocently knowing I was daydreaming and hadn't been paying attention.

The rest of the night we laughed and joked and ate far too much food in celebration of Ember finally moving to Korea. Later on after she was fast asleep in my bed, and don't take that the wrong way. We share a bed all the time. I tried to tell her I'd sleep on the floor and she gave me a dirty look. Meaning if I tried to do that, she'd be upset with me.

I wondered out onto the balcony of our apartment and sat down next to Chan. He liked to sit outside at night and get fresh air before he went to bed.

"Where's Ember?" he asked looking up at the sky.

"She's asleep." I said leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.

"You've gotta tell her eventually, Jisung" He said looking over at me with a smirk on his face. "I don't know how you've kept it from her for...what? Eight years?"

"I know." I said dropping my head down. "What if she doesn't feel that way about me? Then things will never be the same with us."

"You'll never know if you don't try." Chan replied looking back up at the sky with his eyes closed.

"I almost feel like I should just start dating again." I said letting out a deep breath. I'd dated a little. I had tried to find someone that made me feel the way she does, but got tired of weird first dates that I knew wouldn't go anywhere. Especially when they found out who I was and just went into fan girl mode. Don't get me wrong, I love STAYs. They're my favorite people, but sometimes I just wanted someone to not know who I am. Especially when I'm on a date.

"Or, I have a crazy idea." He continued with his eyes still closed. "You could tell her how you feel."

"Oh yeah. Crazy" I mimiced, making fun of him.

"I've seen the way she looks at you, Jisung. I'm pretty sure she's got something there for you too." He said sitting up.

"Yeah, it's called I'm her best friend. FRIEND." I said sarcastically looking up at him.

"HA! That's not what I see. I saw the way she kept glancing over at you. She was talking to Hyunjin but looking at you. That's not what a friend would do."

"Don't play with my heart like that." I joked holding a hand over my heart.

"I'm serious, Jisung. I really think she's feeling something for you too. Moving to Korea is a huge deal, I doubt a job is the only reason." Chan said as he got up and started to walk back inside.

"Maybe" I said staying outside for another few minutes. Eventually I went back inside, laid down on my half of the bed and tried to fall asleep. My brain was going a million miles an hour thinking through all the possibilities. I rolled over and watched her as her form moved slowly up and down with each breath. That was when I decided, it was time to tell her. I just had to finally work up the courage to do it.