Long time no see 👁👄👁

Millie's POV

I wake up, no dream. Thank god. I'm just..shaking. Great, there's my anxiety kicking in. It's been under control for the past couple of days, but I guess it's back now.

Sadie, Maddie, Sophia and I go upstairs to eat and talk. Her parents are getting back from their ski trip today, and we go back to school tomorrow. God, I hate school. It gives me so much anxiety. My school day isn't too bad though, I have a lot of my friends in my classes. One of the unfortunate parts is this boy. He never leaves me alone. He makes fun of me for being bisexual. Mostly calling me pathetic because I was worse than an 8th grader, according to my old girlfriend. But somehow he likes me. He's utterly obsessed with me. His name is Jacob. He's so weird.

I have a class or two with him. But I try to ignore him, honestly. It's just irritating. Why bring up Kyra? God, I can't even look at her. I refuse to. Thank god I don't have any classes with her.

I get home after a while of being with the girls, and I get ready for the day. I shower, brush my teeth, hair, whatever. I only wear makeup at school. It's not a lot. Literally just a little bit of foundation and mascara. Nothing over the top.

I refuse to even look at myself. I haven't looked at my arms in months. I won't. I'm not strong enough. But I do look at my stomach. I see how flat it's gotten from not eating. That's what I want. I don't feel hungry anymore anyway.

I finished getting ready and went downstairs and hung out with my Mom and Ava. We put on a movie and worked on a puzzle and just talked.

We don't speak to my dad anymore. He divorced after he found out I was bisexual, which is horrible. My mom knew he was a bad guy. And he did bad things. There were a lot of troubles before the divorce, but my sexuality sent him over the edge. It's okay though, the three of us is perfect.

"So Millie, have you started looking for a new girlfriend or boyfriend? It's been a while since Kyra sweetie, I'm just wondering." She said, and I thought.

"I guess I'm ready for a new relationship if that's what you mean. I just haven't met anyone that I want to have a relationship with." I said, and she smiled.

"Well who gave you these beautiful white roses?" She asked, and I smiled.

"Finn did. I sleep texted him I liked flowers so he got me some as a joke." I said, and she chuckled.

"Finn is a nice boy." She said, and I raised my eyebrows. Finn doesn't talk. How would she know that he's a nice boy?

"I guess so." I said, going into my own train of thoughts. God, Kyra ruined me.

——

Text from Finn

Want to go for a ride and talk? 4:27 p.m.

What? That's so random. Should I? I mean, why not? I won't get close to anybody by not talking to them.

Yes. I'm ready whenever.

Okay, be there in 10.

I went upstairs to grab a sweatshirt and threw it on. By the time I grabbed everything and put shoes on, he was here.

"I'm going to hang out with Finn for a bit, I'll be back!" I said to my mom, and she gave me the okay. I walked out to Finns car in the snow, and jumped in quickly. It's warm in here. I don't know if it's the heat, or if it's just my thoughts. If that makes sense.

"Hello." He said, looking at me. I looked towards him and into his eyes. They look the same. Not showing much emotion, dark. Trapped.

"Hi Finn." I said, and he looked me up and down at what I was wearing. It was just black leggings and a grey hoodie long enough to cover my thighs.

"What?" I asked, and he zoned out of it. He was staring at me.

"Nothing. Did you want to go to the beach to talk and maybe watch the sun set?" He asked, and I held back a smile. I don't want to show too much emotion.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." I said, and he nodded and started to drive toward the beach. It's probably a 20 minute drive, so we just played music and I just watched out the window. It was a comfortable silence.

I wonder what he wants to talk about. What if he's kidnapping me? Or planning to eat me? Or showing me that he's a vampire? Millie, stop. This isn't twilight.

I heard him singing to the song very quietly, and it made me smile. I think he saw me smile, because he turned to look at me for a second and smiled, and looked back to the road.

"What?" He asked, and I looked towards him.

"You're singing," I said, and he nodded. I looked him up and down while he was driving. He was wearing black jeans with a black T-shirt, with a grey zip up hoodie that isn't zipped up. He has an odd sense of style, yet it suits him so well. His hair is really curly too. I like looking at his hair, because it kinda just reminds me of an Afro. Some days it will be all puffed up and out of his face except the top of his forehead. Some days it'll be more relaxed and sits across his forehead and ears. Sometimes in between those two. He looks his age too, 17.

Soon enough we got there, and we ended up parking by the beach so we can see the lake still. He didn't turn the car off though, he kept the heat on and the music at a volume of 2, so you could hear it a little bit.

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked, and unbuckled my seatbelt, shifted myself in the seat to face him, my legs bent up and holding my legs with my arms. He looked at me, and for the first time I could see something in his eyes that wasn't black and trapped. You could see emotion.

"Can you tell me what's bothering you? About your life? What gives you anxiety?" He asked, and I looked at him.

"How do you know something is bothering me?" I ask, confused as to how he would know.

"Because I used to act and look the same way when something was on my mind. You can talk to me, you know." He said, his eyes looking everywhere around my face. I sighed, and thought before I spoke.

"I was with Kyra, as you know. She was great. She made me happy. She helped me through my anxiety. She made me feel complete. Long story short, after she cheated on me, all I could see was the flaws in myself. Why am I not skinny enough? Why do I look stupid when I smile? Why wasn't I good enough? Why-

"Millie, you're beautiful." Finn told me, and my heart skipped a beat. Stop Millie, no. He's just giving a compliment. Millie, say something, nobody is talking and he is staring at you.

"I wish I could think that myself. It just made me feel like I was worthless. I stopped eating so much. I don't really eat anymore, because I'm not hungry and nothing is appetizing to me. Nothing. It started with that. And I just started getting really anxious to the point I couldn't feel anything. So I would do stupid things." I said, not knowing what else to say. He was listening intently, never looked away from me. I couldn't make eye contact.

"What stupid things?" He asked, knowing what I meant. I started to take off my sweatshirt, and he stopped me for a second, holding my arm.

"I don't have to see." He said, carefully. He is sweet.

"I want you to." I said, then took off the sweatshirt leaving me in my T-shirt, exposing my arms. I threw the sweatshirt in the backseat. I didn't look, but I watched Finn look.

"Can I?" He asked, touching my arm. I nodded yeah. It's okay if he does.

I watched him look, and I could feel his fingers tracing along the places I put the blade. There's so many. He is probably petrified of me.

"I'm sorry, it's probably a lot for you to just see I shouldn't have-

"It's okay Millie." He said, interrupting me, looking into my eyes. He knows something.

"Millie, look at your arms." He said, knowing that I haven't somehow. How does he know?

"I'm okay." I said, and he took my hand in his hand, and held it. Not romantically, just to know he is there.

"Millie, the first step is to look. I know, it's hard. But the first step to getting through it is to embrace it. Okay?" He said, losing all the psycho-creep in him or whatever everyone likes to say about him. He cares.

"Okay." I said, not disconnecting our eye contact until he looked down at my arms again. I took a breath in and looked down at them.

The left arm had more than the right arm. All over. Some scars were lighter, some were bumpy. Only a few still had scabs on them. Why would I do this to myself? Why? My family sees this every day. I'm fine with a T-shirt around them because they know. But my friends don't. Why would I let them see this every day? My eyes began to water, and I choked back a sob.

"It's okay Millie," Finn said, embracing me in a hug he knew I needed. I immediately started crying, sobbing, asking him why I did it. He doesn't have an answer but I just need to say it. I was trying to control myself, and Finn was trying to calm me down too. He was rubbing up and down my back, and I felt warm and safe in his arms for some reason. He's cold. Why am I warm? He rested his chin on top of my head, as I cried into his shoulder. He tried to calm me down by saying little things to me, and it worked surprisingly.

I let go of the hug, and wipe my eyes. I look back down, and I don't feel like crying. It did make me stronger.

"I'm sorry I cried I don't know why I did, you didn't need to go through that with me," I said, and he shook his head.

"It's okay." He said, and I looked at him. He knew to look because he's been through it. He can tell by the way I'm looking at him what I'm going to ask him.

"Where?" I asked, and he looked down. He took off his jacket and had me hold it in my seat. It wasn't on his arms. He lifted up the side of his shirt by his hip, and showed me. They weren't little ones, they were big ones. Really big. It wrapped around the hip. Probably a couple inches longer than mine. They looked more indented, like he did it with scissors or a knife. I looked back up at him, and he nodded. I leaned over and set my hand on it, starting to trace my fingers over them. There weren't as many, but they were big enough to make it seem like a lot of small ones. I felt bad, I didn't know what to say.

"Why?" I asked, taking my hand away, and he put down his shirt.

"There's just a lot of things wrong with me I didn't use to understand." He said, and I nodded.

"Family stuff, mental stuff, the way I think about things." He said, and I nodded again, listening.

"Think about what things?" I asked, and looked into his eyes. The emotion wasn't there anymore, it was just dark. It kind of scares me. I know it's him, but his eyes just creep me out sometimes. The way he looks at me.

"I don't think you want to know." He said, and I looked at his hoodie in my hands. It's warm.

"I do want to know. If you want to tell me." I said, and he looked out on the lake, the sun setting already. How long have we been talking?

"Remember when I said I tried to kill my brother?" He asked me, and I nodded. His hand turned to a fist, and he just held the stick on the car.

"I still have thoughts like that. I don't know how to stop them except stop myself. I don't want to go into detail about what I think about, but I just feel like it defines who I am. A creep." He said, and I nodded.

"At times." I said, and he looked at me, with his eyes. God damn. Be in my dreams every night.

Millie, what the fuck? Stop! No.

"Millie?" He asked, and I zoned back in.

"Sorry, I was just thinking." I said, and he chuckled.

"More like drooling. Are you one of those girls who are obsessed with the bad guy in tv shows?" He asked, and my face turned red. God, not now. I need to stop.

"Shut up Finn, I'm not drooling over you." I said, and we both laughed.

"Just saying." He said, and we both smiled at each other.

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Sorry I haven't uploaded in a while, I hope you all like this chapter!!

Who's your favorite character so far? When should I update next?