note ; i may mention anxiety, and i will mention sad themes and insults, yelling, ect., which may be triggering. please stay safe! also do not read if personal things annoy you alright on with it this has been a warning.

alright so my dad is nice. this is, of course, generally speaking. i love him a lot, and not because he's my dad and i have to. it's because i actually do. even so, he can be really awful. not always to me, but in general, he can be just really mean and unapologetic. sometimes two nights a week, maybe more, i excuse myself from dinner to go to the bathroom and cry or go to my basement and practice my song for jazz band until i can't feel my arms. he always blames me or my other family members for random things which i won't get into. let's just say i'm a bit of a slob, and my dad hates it. he could say something like 'sam i don't like that you're messy. could you maybe clean up a bit?'

instead he spews out an entire lecture that goes into other smaller lectures that just end up making me feel like shit. tonight, i have no idea how it started, but i guess it can be traced back to me being a total slob. most of my slobbiness is not throwing wrappers away, which is horrible i know. but anywho he goes on and says 'no wonder your face is breaking out like that, you eat so much' and i went on to say 'i don't mind that i'm breaking out, i'm doing my best to control it' and he goes 'well no one is going to want to be with you if you're a slob who eats all the time and has acne' and he doesn't know about my sexuality but if he did he would throw that on top. i couldn't deal with it, so now i'm in my basement playing my jazz band song so loud on my laptop that he won't notice i'm not playing (i have an electronic drum kit so all you can hear is the tapping on the plastic when you put headphones on) and all these tiny little things really get me thinking like some people may like me but once they find out how messy i am or how much acne i get or how much i eat or that my sexuality is so damn confusing to understand they'll just want to leave and never speak to me again because my dad was right he always is. 

i can't help these feelings and it sucks and i dunno. and then afterwards he makes brownies like that will justify the horrible things he said and he goes 'i didn't mean to make you feel bad but.." and then goes into a whole other spiel of insults. he just doesn't get it. and then he asks me why i'm crying, and what am i supposed to say? when i tell the truth he tells me it's a stupid reason to cry.

my dad sometimes does really stupid things that trigger me and then he says that anxiety is fake. i'm just so upset i'm sorry if you read this the whole way through sorry sorry sorry i really needed to vent or rant or whatever i'm sorry.

and please don't bash my dad. i love him a lot, he just has serious anger problems. thanks :-)