"Xavier?"

I stayed quiet. Hoping and praying for the world to end.

"Xavier?"

Why hadn't it ended already anyway?

"Xavier?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Xavier, you've been like this for two days straight. You have to eat something."

I curled into a ball, pulling the bedsheet over me. "Go away."

I felt the mattress sink as Jeremiah sat on it. He sighed softly. "Xavier...if you die I'll be the prime suspect."'

"I won't."

Hard luck.

"Xavier, please-"

"Can you bring me some weed?"

Jeremiah fell silent. "Dude...I literally went to jail for selling that stuff."

I sighed, shutting my eyes. I had strayed away from intoxicants like that my entire life as I had watched my other waste away in front of my eyes. With my chest hollow now, it didn't seem to be a bad idea after all. 

I sighed. "Please...I can't..."

I bit my lip. I couldn't go on. He sighed and I let out air from my mouth in relief when he stood up and I felt the mattress rise again. "I'll...see you, man. In case you need to talk about it-"

"I'm fine."

I answered shortly. Thankfully, Jeremiah didn't say anything and after a while, I heard the door shut gently behind him. I sighed and turned so I was laying on my back. I gazed at the ceiling, my senses numbed.

I felt a sob rising up my throat. It was Monday evening and Grayson hadn't called. I couldn't believe it. Had he ended things with me? Just like that? Why had he let me go?

I turned around, gazing at the ceiling. How could he? After everything, we had been through. Never in my wildest dreams and most terrifying nightmares had I thought we would come to this. Our love had felt perfect. Perhaps, too good to be true.

I closed my eyes. My lids were burning. My heart was inconsolable. I had never lied to Gray. Never hidden any part of myself from him. All my ugliest bits. He had accepted me. He was the only person to have ever loved me. To ever have seen me so vulnerable. He had been my home. And now, I had nothing.

I didn't know how to deal with the pain.

I turned around, burying my face in the pillow. I could drink the strongest absinthe, and I knew it wouldn't be enough to make me not feel. My insides felt hollow. I didn't know how to live without him. How to wake up each morning without listening to his voice. How to go entire months without seeing him. Without feeling his warmth. Without being with him. And the most hellishly agonizing thought that made me wish I could instead be damned for eternity to purgatory.

To watch him grow old with someone else. Build a family with someone else. To watch him fall in love with someone else. To watch him fall out of love with me.

There was a gentle knock on the door as it opened a split second later. I gazed warily at it.

"Hey."

I sighed softly, fixing my gaze back on the ceiling as I spoke in a hoarse voice. "Go away, Kingsley."

Caleb walked over to me, shutting the door behind him. I turned away from him, facing the wall. He was quiet for so long that I turned to see that he was lying on Jeremiah's bed, his gaze fixed on his phone.

"Are you ready to talk now?" he asked, gazing at me from the corner of his eye. "About whatever has made you...this."

"No." I didn't think I would ever be.

"Okay."

He went back to his phone. I gazed at him silently. I felt like lead ran in my veins instead of blood.

"Cal..." I began. "Have you ever, been in love?"

He was quiet before he turned to his side and gazed at me. "I think so."

I sighed softly, picking at a stray strand on the bedsheet. "Then you haven't."

"Did you argue with him?"

His voice was calm. Gentle. His kindness seemed to ravage me. I bit my trembling lip as I answered.

"I...I think we broke up."

He shut his eyes, his face sorrowful. "Xavier...I'm so sorry," he rose to his feet and walked over to me. He kneeled on the floor, his face close to mine as he spoke. "What happened?"

I sniffed, ashamed of the tears which threatened to spill over. "A lot of...stuff," I whispered. My voice broke so I ended the next sentence in a childlike sob. "He's going overseas for three years."

Why wasn't I burning? The weight of my words crushed me. How could I not see him again? How could I ever be okay without him? How could I learn to breathe without him? How could I learn to fall asleep without listing to his voice? He was like a drug that I had gotten addicted to. And now, the thought of not belonging to him felt like eternal damnation.

My chest was heavy. So heavy. I didn't know how long till my lungs were crushed.

"Oh, God, Xavier..." he gently stroked the hair off my forehead. I shut my eyes, my stomach clenching in shame. My face felt hot as cold tears ran down. "What happened? Why does he-?"

"Caleb..." I whispered. "I can't...talk."

He was quiet before he nodded in understanding. "You need to eat something, Xavier," he caressed my face gently. I could feel his tender touch which somehow broke me further. "Xav..."

"I'm sorry about your car."

He was quiet before he sighed. "It's okay. You're getting it fixed anyway so there's nothing I can complain about."

"What time is it?" I croaked. I hadn't told him about the car chase. I had simply told him that some pesky children had broken the windshield. I didn't know if he believed me. I wasn't sure I cared.

"Seven," he said after a while. "You really should have dinner. You look sick. You already missed today's class, Xav. "

"I love him, Caleb," I whispered. "I...I should have said yes."

He was quiet. I knew that he had no idea what I was talking about. But I was thankful that he didn't ask. "I can't live..."

I took a rattled breath, breaking into blabbering sobs. I pulled the pillow to my face, muffling my ragged crying. My entire body trembled. I couldn't fathom the thought. I missed him. I wanted to yield to everything he asked of me. His power over me was fatal. 

"Xav, let's go out. Come on," I let out a yell when his hand reached for mine and he started pulling me roughly. "Come on, Xavier. You'll feel so much better."

I protested violently when he pulled me to my feet and set me in a standing position. I swayed for a second, my weakened body almost giving in to the exhaustion.  I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but he has no way of knowing my history. Our history. Maybe what Gray had done was justified. How could I claim to be loyal when my heart was getting crushes?

"I...I told him I kissed you."

He glared at me, his eyes wide. "Xav-"

"I...don't think this can be fixed Cal."

"Xavier, come on. If he really loves you-"

"I don't know," I whispered. My crippling self-doubt and insecurities came rushing back to me. I glanced at Caleb, my heart wrenching as I spoke. "I'm just....nothing. I was horrible. I yelled at him. And I told him about us. And...I gave him this big speech about how I felt-" I sniffled loudly. "Suffocated. How he...I don't...I'm so dumb. I love him so much. I'm a fucking idiot. He...wants me to move with him to the States for a few years. I got so angry. I don't deserve him. He's too good. I hurt him so bad, Caleb. I hurt him-" I stuttered, trying hard to regain my breath.

"Xav..." he sounded anguished. "Xavier, how can you say that you're nothing? You're really fucking dumb to sell yourself so short."

I smiled humourlessly. "You...you don't know Cal. You...don't know what I did."

Tears silently fell down my face as I averted his eyes. I sat on the bed, retaking my previous position and curling into a ball. Shame prickled my insides. I didn't know much about love. But from what my stupid heart felt, I had been convinced that what I felt for Gray was the real thing. Even through all the nights that I had spent with strangers, my heart had never yearned for anyone apart from him.

He leaned down and brushed his lips on my forehead. Under usual situations, my heart would have fluttered, but the anguish was far too great to leave room for anything else.

He caressed my face gently as I continued to cry. After a while, when I had finally stopped crying, he rose to his feet. "Xav...I think you should come out. Be with us for a while. You need that."

I didn't reply. All I needed was to run back to Gray and beg him to take me back. I remained silent, gazing unseeing as a thought formed in my brain. An idea that made my head throb painfully. Caleb sighed softly, his eyes brimming with concern before he turned and started walking towards the door. 

"Caleb," I called suddenly, my voice strained. "Can I...have your phone?"

He was quiet for a while before he nodded and handed me his phone. "It's unlocked," he started walking towards the door again and turned to look at me. "You'll be okay, Xavier."

Lies. There was no way I would ever be okay.

He shut the door behind him. I stared at the phone screen for a long while, my heart pounding in my chest as if it were suddenly alive. I clicked on the icon and started dialling the familiar number. I placed the phone to my ear, feeling like a hot dagger was stuck in my throat. He picked up the phone on the sixth ring.

"Hello?"

I shattered into a million pieces.

How was just his voice enough to set my soul on fire? Even when it sounded broken. Even when it sounded spiritless. I felt a savage twinge of sadistic pleasure that he was hurting. Was he breaking like I was? Was he as weak as I was?

I bit my lip to keep from screaming. His voice felt so real. Like he was tangible. And yet, our relationship was merely a broken dream. I pressed the phone closer to my ear, desperate to hear him breathing. 

"Hello? Who do you want to speak to?"

I was quiet. I knew if I didn't answer he would hang up soon. If I did answer, I didn't know what I would say.

I love, Grayson. Please come back to me.

The struggle to keep my sobs silent was causing my entire body to tremble. My vision was hazy. I wished he was close. I wished our conversation had never happened. I wished everything would go back to how it had been. A blissful trance.

"Hello? Who is this?"

I remained silent, finally able to hear his breaths. I could still imagine his warmth. Could easily imagine laying on his chest for hours listening to his beautiful heart. It had been so perfect. How could this be a reality instead? 

He cursed under his breath and the line went dead. I gazed at the wall, unfeeling again. The surge of overwhelming sadness now breaking across the tides and drowning me under a deluge of catastrophic pain. I would drown. I wouldn't survive. 

I don't know what I had wanted. To beg him? To have him beg to me? To just hear his voice?

All I had wanted was to grasp any sense of a reality. To know that we had been real. To know that we had been true. My lungs collapsed as entire air left it. My chest, my entire body was breaking. A massive void splitting open my heart. I needed a distraction or else I would succumb.

I got to my feet, throwing the phone on the bed and made my way to the common room in an almost trance-like state. I moved as if through a viscous fluid. I could hear the loud sounds coming from the room. They sounded muffled, like from the end of a tunnel. I entered and was vaguely aware of a few familiar faces and gestures. I sat in a corner, grabbing any drinks that came my way. I didn't care about anything. I needed to stop feeling before I died from the crippling agony.

The pain was tangible. Like there was a knife in my chest. Like I was being stabbed repeatedly. Like my entrails were being squeezed. Like I was being trampled under a heavy vehicle. It was pain unlike anything I had ever felt. Absolute. The solitary truth.

I drank for hours. I didn't speak. Didn't think. Everything was pointless anyway.

I wasn't aware of anything as time became fictional. I gazed around, my vision hazy as I took a drag from a cigarette I didn't remember lighting. I remembered singing deliriously. I remembered myself vaguely wishing some stranger a happy birthday. After an eternity, my eyes fell on Caleb as he laughed, dancing to some unknown tune.

I was bleeding. And I yearned to bleed more.

I got to my feet slowly. I was nothing but a hateful man whore. I had never deserved a man like Grayson. As pure as him. As patient as him. As beautiful as him. I was a lying, twisted, cheating devil. I had broken his heart. I had ripped it into a million pieces. 

I knew what the fear in his eyes had been. When I had yelled at him, he had got flashbacks from his abusive marriage. It wasn't supposed to happen. 

He had told me how he loved me. He had told me he wanted to marry me. And I had shot him down ruthlessly. I didn't know if I had been right in my stance. If my identity had meant so much to me, if my university had meant so much to me, then why was I willing to burn everything to ashes if it meant I could have him back?

But he wouldn't return. 

He would be gone soon, and it would be like we never were. 

How could life demean my heart so easily? How could I ignore that every fucking second of every fucking day, my longing and insane, aching love for him was killing me?

How had I ripped us apart so easily? Like I never was. Like we never were.

I moved slowly towards Caleb, my brain not heeding to my body.

His eyes turned towards me as I walked. He looked slightly surprised but smiled at me. The entire world disappeared around me, leaving behind just Caleb Kingsley. The blaring music in the room died down. The tipsy, dim lights disappearing.

I walked as if in slow motion, my head devoid of emotions. My heart feeling so many that it was no longer capable of distinguishing them. It was exhausted.

I walked closer to him, fixing my eyes on his lips. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Xavier?"

All rationality left my being as I leaned forward and kissed him.

I wasn't aware of the hoots and shouts that I knew would follow. I wasn't aware of the whistles and wolf calls. I tilted my head, opening my mouth as our tongues waded out to meet each other hotly. I lifted one hand to his head, entangling it in his hair. It took him a while before he reacted. His hands encircled my waist, pulling me closer. The kiss became hot, wild. He sucked my bottom lip, his hands squeezing my ass. I wanted him to touch me more.

I didn't know if it was anger or sadness that was driving me. But as long as I had other emotions to combat the invincible hollowness, I would be alright.

"Fuck me," I growled against his lips. He leaned back to look at me, his eyes burning with lust before he nodded. I grabbed his hand and quickly took him to my room, shutting the door behind him. I kissed him again, pushing him on the bed as I straddled him.

Grayson had been my home. I didn't have him now. But for most of my life, I had been homeless. And once again, I was back to being so.