XANDER'S POV

I groan as I collapse back on the chair that was resting in my cage. I cover my face with my hands and snarl, "What the fuck am I fucking doing?" 

I knew I went too far with what I said. I absolutely HATE IT! I hate that I have to do this! I've played with her in a cruel way. I stomped and spat on every little kind thing she has done for me. She has been trying so hard to be kind to me, even though all I've been to her, is a bully. Worse than a bully. I was like an abuser. 

She's probably crying in her room right now...because of me! I think I've hurt her beyond the point of healing. She will hate me for as long as she lives. There will be no turning back now. There would be no way to reverse this. The reality of that triggered a burning sensation in my chest.

At least maybe she might leave for a better life. She might meet another man and fall in love. The thought of that makes me furious. It makes me feel angry even thinking about another man...another man touching what's mine. But the fact is...she isn't mine. And I have to come to terms with that. I have no right to call her mine, I have no right to be angry if she falls for another male.

I don't know how I'll cope with the thought of her sleeping in another man's arms. But that was what I wanted right? That's why I hurt her...so than she will have a better life right? So than I won't hurt her. There's no way for me to hurt now, not physically, not emotionally. Because she'll be gone, she'll leave me and that's a good thing...I think.

For the past week, I've been blocking out my wolf because I knew if I let him free, he will easily take over and take Lizette. My wolf inside me keeps trying to get out and defend our mate...from my words, from me.

You fucking asshole! Why the hell would you hurt our mate like that!

I have to! She deserves better!

Of course she deserves better, but that doesn't mean you have to drive her away. That's not your decision to make asshole! That's hers and you just took it from Lizzy!

Did I really take it from her? Was I being too controlling?

But I'm only doing this for HER! It's my job to protect her! I have to protect her from me! I have to protect her beautiful golden brown eyes, her long dark brown hair, her smooth tanned skin, her soft lips, her body, her kindness, her sweetness, her pureness...and most importantly...her heart. I need to protect her heart from me. 

My own father had no choice but to lock me up because I would go through these manic episodes where I'm not myself. My wolf may desire our mate, but my wolf is also sick. All those years of endless torture has driven a part of myself to insanity. During those episodes I would become a completely different person. I would violent. I almost hurt my younger siblings. I could've killed them. 

I don't remember what triggered it, but I was going through an episode. I escaped the cage because my father didn't turn the lock fully. All I remember was the pain I had gone through in that place...in that hell. I thought I was still there. I wanted revenge. I wanted payment for what I went through. 

When I felt myself coming back to reality, back into my normal mindset. I was horrified at what I saw. I saw my baby sister, little Zay, she was on the ground crying. She had three slash marks on her face that was bleeding heavily. I felt the warmth of her blood on my red covered hand. And my little brother, Solomon, was standing in front of her, tears streaming down his face as he was standing up to me, his big brother, the brother that should be protecting them, not attacking them. 

The thought of that happening to my mate makes me feel sick. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I haven't had an episode in a couple of years. But the fear is still there. The fear of something happening to her because of me. I feel such a pain in my chest at the thought of not being with her. And the thought of what could've been if I was normal. 

But then maybe my wolf is right? Maybe I was really reacting out of pure fear of hurting her that I panicked. I did whatever I could to drive her away so than I could eliminate any possibility of her getting hurt. When maybe I should've been honest with her from the start and let her make the decision for herself. 

I groan and rub the bridge of my nose, "Xander you fucking psychotic idiot."

My heart can't take this anymore. I can't keep hurting my other half. I can't keep hurting the one person I am supposed to love anymore. I can't do this anymore. I may not deserve her, but I'm her mate. There has to be a reason why she's my mate right? The Moon Goddess had a plan. Lizette is a part of the plan...my life plan. I've been fighting my destiny with her for too long. All I'm doing is fighting a losing battle. I have to get her back. I have to explain myself.

It's going to take a lot of time getting her to trust me again which I understand. But I'll try. I'm going to try my best to get my mate back.

I walk out of the room and climb to steps at a time up the stairs. As I travel to her room, I'm mentally preparing a speech. I'm willing to do anything at this point. I will grovel, beg, cry, sob! Anything! As long as it gets me her.

I take a deep breathe. She will probably reject me, but hey. There's always tomorrow.

Knock knock knock.

"Hey Lizzy? Can I come in?" There's nothing, "Look I know I've been an asshole. But I just wanted to come and explain myself. There's no excuse for how I've treated you, but I think maybe if we both sit down and talk, we might understand each other better."

There's still no reply. I frown. Is she even in there?

I open the door and enter a Lizzy-less room. Where could she be?

As I turn around to leave, I see a little book under her pillow. I go and sit on her bed. I pull the little brown book out. It's all old looking. The cover is worn and the leather is pealing off.

I open it. Each page is all crinkled as if it's been used a lot. I look through the book. Poems? Each poem is so meaningful. Did she write this?

INNER DEMONS:

It's like a shadow in an eternal night
It does not let you free it does not let you live in the light
It takes you deeper into an endless tunnel
It ensnares you with chains
It pumps it's venom into your vains

The darkness does not let it's prey go easily
It does not let you out
It leave you in a corner to doubt and pout

So I fall
Collapsing in a dirty corner the world has ever seen
In tears I wrap my arms around my knees
And gently rock my broken heart to sleep

I start to cry for what I have lost
I mourn for the hope that it will dim
I pray for the forgiveness of my past, my sin.

but, they will stay with me.
My inner demons won't leave
So all I can do is grieve
I start to fade...
There is no word
There is no goodbye
No one cares
And no one cries.

Wow! She is really talented. I keep reading through it, but the very last page. It looks new. As if she wrote in it recently.

FADING INTO BROKENNESS:

I don't fight the knife that pierces my veins
I welcome this darkness inside to help me forget my pain, my brokenness, my shame
Dark red trickles down my arm
A little secret of mine, known as self-harm
Anger builds up inside
I got to let these feelings out
But to who can I confide?
A dark silver blade is what I trust
The one that I turn to when life is too tough.

My life is too tough now that I don't want to live anymore
But when I leave this world
I'll be be free and in the sky I will soar.
I will live the rest of my days in peace
with my mother under her tree.
That way I will be away from the one that that is filled with hate.
The one and the only...my mate.

This better not be what I think it is!

Suddenly the door bursts open. My brother, Soul, fills the doorway.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO LIZZY?!" He bellowed.

I walk up to him and punch him in the face. He crumbles to the ground, but he slowly gets himself back up"That's none of your business, brother," I growled with my cold voice.

He looks with anger, "What did you say to Elizabeth?!"

"Why?"

"Because! She ran to me, gave me a hug goodbye, then bolted out of the door crying her eyes out!" He snarls.

A sharp pain penetrates my heart. Oh no. I've really hurt her bad. With a deep shame leaking out of my words I say, "I told her to...to...I told her to go kill herself."

The blood drained from my brothers face. "You did what?" He says calmly. But I know that he looks furious.

"YOU DID WHAT!" His voice boomed.

"You keep talkin to me like that Solomon Nightwalker I'll punch you in the face. I don't care if you're my brother." I shouted, 

"I don't care! Do you know what you've just done?! Lizette is FUCKING SUICIDAL YOU STUPID BASTARD! And you just told her to go KILL HERSELF!"

I felt the blood drain from my face. I felt my head become dizzy. No...no...NO! That can't be true!

"You're lying!" I yelled.

But then Soul explained to me about her abuse and how today was the date her mother died. SHIT! I fucking messed up big time. I run out of the room, jump down the stairs, bolted out the door and into the forest. Please don't let it be too late! PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE TOO LATE!
I shift into my big black wolf...and I run..run to my mate who could've already taken her own life...because of me.

ELIZABETH POV.

I'm standing in front of a deep lake. I look at the water. It's so peaceful. Water is so simple, it's calm and just flows to the soft current. I wish my life was more like water.

I look down at the dark silver blade in my hand. I'm doing this to set myself free. But also, for the ultimate revenge on Xander. He probably didn't even think that I would 'actually' do it. But now, he will live with the guilt inside. He killed me. He killed his mate.

I look up at the night sky. This will be the last time I will be seeing the stars. I take a deep breathe and press the blade deep into my wrist. I do the same with my other wrist.

I look down at my thick, open wounds. The dark red flowing out looks so vibrant against my pale skin.

I look at the lake and slowly walk into the water. As I walk deeper and deeper, I start to float.
I end up floating in the middle of the lake. I let my wrists bleed out. I can feel it. I'm about to go. I hold onto my obsidian necklace and think of my boy, my little Xander. I hold on tight to the memory and then...I'm free.

XANDER POV

I keep running and running and running. I stop when I come to a big lake. My heart is pounding against my chest. I breath heavily. I look around frantically. Where is she?

"Lizette!" I shouted. My voice echoes into the night.

"LIZETTE WHERE ARE YOU?!?!" I screamed. I panic. I can't find her anywhere!

I'm about to check somewhere else when I see something rippling in the water, I squint my eyes and focus on it.

I can feel the blood drain from my body. I jump into the water and swim frantically to Lizzy. I grab her body and pull her to me. Her wrists were cut deeply into her skin.
"NO! NO! NNOOO!!!!" I yelled to the top of my lungs.

I drag her body onto the bank. I look at my beautiful mate. This is all my fault. I just should've loved her from the start. That's what she needed the most. She needed love. My love. Instead I acted as if I hated her because in my stupid head I thought I was doing the right thing.

I pull her body to me and rock her. I let out a cry. I look at her pale face. It's almost as white as her white dress. Something dark stood out from her dress. I pull it out and I become still. 

 My necklace. The obsidian one. But that's impossible...I gave it to a little girl named. I gasped in shock. Izzy. Lizzy? IZZY! ELIZABETH!

"Yeah, I hope we will be mates."

I said that to her. 12 years ago. And it came true. Now look at what I've done. I purposely didn't go looking for her, not matter how desperate I was because of how crazy I was. 

 She knew me before the incident. Look at me now. She must be so disappointed. She wanted the little boy she once met all those years ago. The boy that should've been her mate. I closed my eyes and pictured us when we were little, at the waterfall. I killed that little girl. I also killed that little boy.

I sob into her chest. I killed Izzy. I killed my Izzy. I killed my mate. My other half! I scream into her chest. NO!
NO! NO! NO! NO!

But then...something happened.
I heard something I never thought I would hear again...
A heartbeat.

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I just wanted to say thank you! I only wanted to try get to 100. But I got over 200! That is cray cray!
And it's all because of you guys! Thank you so much.

I love you guys so much! You're the reason why I keep writing this!

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