[Extravagate: To wander beyond the limits]

Mystique was quiet for a bit.

Then finally she said, "So...did I anger Rogue out of jealousy, then?"

Only someone who'd read the book as much as Shine would have instantly picked up that reference, since it was not one they'd talk of yet.

Mystique seemed to actually want to know, like she'd reached the limit of her feigned indifference. Or maybe with Shine she figured she couldn't hide it anyway.

Shine didn't act puzzled by the question.

"What I really think..." she said slowly, "is that it might be yes. But Rogue is not so pure of intentions either...so it's probably two things. I think you wanted to drag her down, in a way, to your level. But if what you said was partially true, as I think it was, then perhaps it is also to enable her to see things as they are. You decide what you wanted, not me. Are you jealous of Rogue?

Mystique's face was hard. But her voice was not so indifferent.

"I couldn't tell you if I was jealous, or if I just resent her leaving me and joining this stupid group."

"It feels like you were not good enough for her?" Shine guessed.

Mystique stalled...then slowly she nodded.

"Well." Shine sat up more. "We're in the same position, aren't we?"

Mystique looked up...then she smiled in this wry, ironic way like, Well it's not untrue...

"And we will never be good enough for her," Shine said seriously. "I can't tell you I don't wish I was. Not for the reason you do, perhaps, but what does it matter? We both wish we could have been the answer. But we're not. No one is. I chose to accept it. I can't make you okay with it, but if you want to feel insufficient, to use the book's word...then you're in good company."

"You are such a strange person," Mystique said, finally without bitterness. "You admit to that so easily. It doesn't anger you."

"Oh...sure it does," Shine said. "I don't show it, though, not often. And don't stay angry for long anymore. My anger at it is just proof that there's still that Ungit in me somewhere that wants to be able to play God...but I don't have to let it rule me, do I?" She hugged the book to her chest now. "I can admit it now. I used to be embarrassed."

Mystique shook her head.

"I have never met any other people who just...talk like that about their difficulties," she said oddly. "You, your husband, and Kurt...you're all alike."

"Logan too, in some ways," Shine said. "And Storm..."

"I don't care about them," Mystique said. "I just can't understand you."

Shine shrugged.

After a pause, Mystique said, "It's not that...I never have regrets." In a low voice.

Shine nodded.

"But...you don't survive by thinking about that," Mystique said. "And...much like that woman...I have few options. I remember one part...where she says she's stolen other people's lives.... That is what I do." She winced. "I couldn't say if it's for the same reason. I don't know anymore. But I know no other way to live. And...I don't deserve any better, even if there was a way." She suddenly shuddered, though it hurt her to do so. "I've done more monstrous things than good ones, as ugly as that rock thing they described.... I don't even know my real face anymore.... All that made too much sense...just not the end.... If you asked me, I couldn't tell you what I really want anymore. Maybe I said what I said to Rogue because of that.... She still knows.... She still has hope. Maybe it angered me."

Shine heard all this without anger.

"Well?" Mystique grew impatient. "Say something."

"Were you finished?" Shine asked.

"I have no more I can say."

"I think Kurt once spoke to you about this," Shine said.

Mystique's face fell again. "Kurt is better than I deserve."

"I had thought this is why you were ignoring him," Shine said. "Shame...it's okay. I've done it also. I know the signs."

"You say you've done it, but I've never caught you at it."

"Well, I have the fortune to not have you observing me at home." Shine shrugged. "With my family and friends...but I know what I have been like. I wouldn't lie to you and pretend to never do those things. What good is my perspective if I have not? What I am like now is the product of years of growth, but, once, I sounded exactly like you." She shrugged. "Kurt is better than most of us deserve, but he has his story with anger and hatred and bitterness too. Maybe you're not as different as you think...if you'd ever talk to him..."

"But he moved past it," Mystique said. "And I can't."

"But we all think we can't, until we do," Shine said seriously. 

"But you wanted to...and I'm sure you've never done exactly what I did," Mystique said. "And you know it by now...all of it." Bitterly.

"Of course, but why does it matter?" Shine said. "God doesn't care how bad it is. He doesn't see one of us as better or worse. All sin is hideous to Him, and all grace is undeserved. How can you become more or less worthy of it?"

"That does not make sense to me," Mystique said. "And...even if it was somehow true...suppose I don't think I could accept it? I've never seen any reason to think God would care about me. A long time ago I blamed Him for that, but now, perhaps, it's just that He knew what I would do."

"That is foolishness," Shine said. "No one is so bad that God could not redeem them, if they wanted it. And you want it, don't you? In some part of you."

"I don't know," Mystique said. "I don't feel as if I want anything. I feel nothing, mostly. I just try to get by. I don't care about much anymore." 

"I have heard that before," Shine said. "And I don't buy it. It always ends up that the feeling is gone, but the caring is still there. We try on instinct to reach some kind of truth, a long as we're alive."

"Not me," Mystique said. "All I have ever done is try to lie and cheat my way through life. Never had much of a choice...even as..." But then she stopped. "Well...anyway...I suppose it's pathetic. But I can't help it."

"Raven, that is not the point." Shine forgot not to use her real name. "Of course you can't help it-- who's asking you to? Not me. Not God. That's thinking of it all wrong. Trying to beautify ourselves doesn't work. Of course you don't deserve the grace and the prayers and all of it. If you understood this, you would see why that doesn't matter. In fact, it's our greatest source of joy, to realize that we deserve nothing and we don't give based on desert. What can we give God? He says himself if he was hungry He would not tell us. And all we have is His, even our lives. But our hearts are all He wants, all we can give him of our own volition."

Mystique looked like she might have agreed...for a moment...but then she fell back again. "But I do not even have that anymore. I have no heart. Not one worth mentioning."

Shine sighed. "But even a spark...is enough. I think you almost had it for a moment there.... It is so hard to help anyone see...but--" And she perked up. "--nothing is impossible with God. I will keep pray for you, just like Kurt does. I think, really, you are far closer than you realize to understanding."

Mystique had remained totally calm up till now, but those words just about did it for her. Tears came to her eyes.

"I don't deserve that..." she said. "Not prayers...not anything.... Ah, you should have just let me die."

"What a thing to say." Shine was shocked. "How could I do a thing like that?"

"It'd save you a lot of trouble," Mystique said dully. "All of you. I suppose Rogue will never come back now. I gain nothing by that--it's some kind of cruel irony. In the end, I self-foiled...how fitting."

Shine pursed her lips, then she stood up. "Well, Raven--Mystique, how about this? Rogue is going to come back, willingly, I think. And when she does, she may finally forgive you. If that happens, you will have to reconsider all this, because you'll have been wrong. I'll just wait for that, and then we can talk again...but for now, I have been reminded there is something I need to do. So excuse me." She walked out of the room.

Mystique wondered what that was about.

https://youtu.be/O1o4KKipaC4

* * *

While this conversation had been taking place, Wally had been hanging around the intelligence room to see if Rogue was settled, and doing chores between times. He also called up Mike to talk more about their plans. And to mention that they might be delayed because of Rogue.

Mike said he'd pray for her, and he was sorry to hear she was having trouble.

"Time yet?" Gambit interrupted Wally trimming the bushes to ask.

"I just checked.... She's still moving," Wally said. "But good news? A storm's blowing in." He pointed upward. "So she'll probably have to find somewhere to crash soon."

"To...crash?"

"Uh...rest," Wally said. Had that not been an expression in the 80s? Or was it just one a Cajun wouldn't have known?

Gambit frowned.

"Getting hard to wait, huh?" Wally noted.

A look that said, What do you think?

"Well, I know it won't really help, but I do kind of know where you're coming from," Wally said. "I went through this once...for two months."

"Two months?" Gambit couldn't even imagine that kind of anxiety.

"Yeah.... Sometimes Rogue reminds me of Shine a little, back then," Wally mused. "That kind of...really-brave-at-times-but-really-easily-scared-at-others thing she has. Shine literally left my world when I told her I liked her. She couldn't handle it...thought it was impossible or something. Turns out...it's not...but I had to chase her to her world, and defeat a villain, before she was even willing to rethink it. And one of my friends also said something; I guess it got her good. I think Shine approaches relationships like a diving board. You get right on the edge and you freeze up and want to back off...but then she jumps in once she commits. I can't say we've had any huge problems worth mentioning, at least so far." He shrugged. "Maybe the people most afraid of messing it up actually work the hardest to make it work, once they try at all. If that helps..."

"She left you in your world," Gambit said. "Dat is cold." Who knew the usually smug and annoyingly confident Shine would have had it in her?

"Right the minute after," Wally said. "I mean...I was crushed." He frowned a little. "I get why now. I just couldn't understand at first. I always thought--you just try a thing to see if it works out...but some people, they don't even want to take a risk unless they think it could work out at least 60%. Most of my friends are like that, I guess."

"Likstar don't come off dat way."

"Yeah...just with that one thing, she's cautious," Wally said. "But I got why after a while. Took meeting her parents...and hearing a bit more about her life.... Basically, Shine's always had a big heart, but some people took advantage of that, and being smart, she learned not to just give her trust so easy. It also helped that her dad is a real piece of work..." He frowned. "The way he talks to her when they're together makes my blood boil."

Gambit raised an eyebrow. "She be okay with you sharin'?"

"Oh, she'd tell you herself. She doesn't care," Wally said. "We both decided not to be embarrassed about it. He's the one who's got something to hide, after all, not us. We kind of avoid family reunions though.... At least my mom's cool. She likes Shine too, so that's nice. I don't really have a dad.... My uncle liked her fine though. Uh...oh, right...I think I wanted to say that maybe Rogue's got a lot going on in her head that's not even about this. It's really easy to take things personally, and I used to...but I learned that most of the time, it's really not about what I did...it's the past.... Shine's really good about not pinning the blame on me, but sometimes people get reminded...and you just have to be patient and wait it out, and they'll realize it's not you who's like that."

Gambit would had dismissed this advice if it didn't make so much sense to apply it to some past experiences with Rogue and her sudden flying off the handle at strange things. But he wasn't sure about it.... He knew very little about her past beyond the part with Mystique. And he didn't see much of a connection there.

"And you?" he said. "You never had dat problem?"

"Actually I didn't know how often I did until I started dating seriously." Wally made a face. "I have all kinds of issues. I thought I was confident before, but man.... One thing, I got really insecure if people didn't take me seriously. I know Shine does, but sometimes you just take stuff the wrong way. She's handled it like a boss, though, mostly. If I did it, she'd just explain it calmly. But sure, we've fought...but it never lasts too long." He shrugged. "I think both of us just think it's not worth it to be angry at people too much, had enough of it in the past. It never helps anything. So we work stuff out quickly...but I think it's also, we're both really open if something bothers us. Maybe not easily convinced.... I mean...we can be kind of stubborn, but at least we know what we're fighting about. Makes it faster. And life's too short to waste on fighting for days on end, I think."

Gambit wondering why he'd just admit all that so easily...but come to think of it...West had gotten pretty mad about being demeaned by the X-men.... Go figure.

"I don't want to say too much." Wally took his silence as boredom. "I guess all I mean is, don't give up, you know? I think there's a really good shot here of working this out. Even if she's running now, she might change her mind. I mean...I'd be praying about it, but even just doing this is something to."

"Guys." Shine came outside right then. "I think it might be time."

"Perfect," Wally said. "I'm done anyway."

* * *

The storm hit just as Judy pulled up to her house.  A small, homey looking little 2 bedroom place.

Outside it, a middle aged man was putting tarps over some of the things alongside their driveway.

"This is Dan, my husband," Judy said. 

Dan nodded at Rogue. "Who's this?" he said.

"She was looking for directions," Judy said. "I didn't like to leave her at the church." With a meaningful look.

"Ah, of course." Dan shook Rogue's hand. "Well, you're welcome to wait it out with us."

Rogue thanked him, though she was feeling less sure about this.... If they knew she was a mutant, would they be so welcoming? What if one of them touched her by accident?

But she was ushered into a tiny sitting room. Judy offered her tea, coffee, and muffins.

A cat came and rubbed on Rogue's leg, but Rogue wasn't very comfortable around animals either. She wasn't sure what would happen if she touched one, since they usually had fur covering them, but she didn't care to risk it.

The rain picked up and the wind howled.

"Sounds like it'll be going for a while," Dan said, coming in and taking off his wet shoes. "But a good shower in July isn't such a bad thing--do the lawn some good anyway."

"What little there is of it," Judy agreed. "So...uh, Marie, was it? How long do you think you'll be in town?"

"Oh...probably not long, once the storm's over," Rogue said nervously.

She took the tea just to have something to do and sipped it.

She looked around.

A lot of small china decor that reminded her of her grandmother's house back when she'd had one...and one of those inspirational plaques on the mantel piece. She tilted her head. "'See I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it.' Rev 3:8.... Huh, I ain't familiar with that passage."

"Oh..." Judy looked. "Ah, that's kind of a joke between us. You noticed our church's name, perhaps? The lamp, for Philadelphia."

"Yeah, I wondered why there was an angel," Rogue said. "For a lamp."

Dan and Judy both chuckled and shrugged.

"I said that too," Dan said. "But I didn't design the sign. Technically both are correct. You know Revelation? When John is writing to the 7 churches? They're called lamp stands, but he directs the letter to the 'angel' of the churches, sort of as a metaphor. We think for their essence or spirit. Philadelphia was the name of one of them, a Greek name. This city is named after it; the people who founded our church thought it would be clever."

"At least it was a good one," Judy said. "Can you imagine if Sardis or Laodicea was the name?"

Rogue was blank.

"They weren't so good," Judy explained. "Philadelphia was the good one. You know it's call The City of Brotherly Love.... At times that's an ironic title, I admit, but we do our best in our community to make it true. Taking in strangers and things."

"Is that just somethin' all Christians do?" Rogue said, since, so far, all the ones she'd met seemed to put a lot of emphasis on it.

"I guess not all of them," Dan said. "But it's not really our business what everyone else does. We should just do what we're supposed to be doing, don't you think? Showing people love, kindness."

"Mind if I ask what that has to do with an open door?" Rogue said. She thought she remembered Shine had once quoted a passage about whoever knocks and the door will be opened, but she didn't remember much else about it.

"Oh, the door signifies an opportunity," Judy said. "Probably a ministry one. The Lord was encouraging the church by saying that if He opens a door no one can shut it. Whatever He makes possible will be possible, so they should wait patiently, and he would come and reward those who overcame."

Rogue stared at her tea.

"You really think that the Lord can make anythin' possible?" she said.

Dan and Judy exchanged a look, as if realizing that a lot was on this girl's mind.

"I think Jesus said it best," Dan said after a pause. "All things are possible with God, even if with Man it is impossible. I've heard lot of stories of that being true.... I just know that you have to believe and really trust that that door is open, and it can't be shut, and then there's no telling what you might see happen."

Rogue looked up. "And you think that can mean anythin'?"

"Anything," Judy said "As long as it is God's will."

"Oh..." Rogue said.

A pause.

"Um, Marie," Judy said, "would it be right if I guessed that you perhaps wandered into our place of worship because you're seeking a miracle of some sort?"

Rogue swallowed. "It might be, of a sort, I am. But I don't think it's the kind you people would expect."

"Try us." Dan sat down. "I think God must have led you to our church at just the right time. These things don't happen by chance."

"Truth is, I wasn't actually lookin' for a church, I was just restin'," Rogue said. "I didn't realize it was a church till I came out front."

"And that's even more of a sign," Judy said. "That you are not trying, and you still ran into us. God must really want to speak to you."

Rogue swallowed.

Then she sat her tea down. "I don't know about that.... You see, I'm a mutant."

Why she said it? She didn't know. It just seemed to come out. Maybe it was how they were so eager to help; she felt she had to say the truth.

They both stared at her.

"A mutant...like the ones on TV?" Dan finally said. 

"Yeah, kind of," Rogue said.

A pause ensued.

"I'm sorry," Judy said, and Rogue thought she might just show her the door, but she went on. "I'm not very familiar with what a mutant is. I've heard the term, and I know they made the news or something, but...well, I've never met one. Do you think you could explain a bit? If it's not rude to ask."

"Oh, sure..." Rogue said. "We have...special abilities.... Our DNA is different. A little.... Mine is...well, I can fly." She lifted into the air.

They gasped.

"Incredible," Dan said.

"I think I remember that one," Judy said.

"I'm also real strong," Rogue said. "But...my main power...my real one is...if I touch someone...I absorb their energy.... I can't help it, I just do." She stared at her hands and shivered. "But it's dreadful.... I can absorb their memories and feelin's for a short time too, just for a bit..."

They looked at her like they thought she was making it up...but seeing she was serious, they looked sober.

"That is a heavy power to have," Judy said. "Must have been difficult.... Have you always had it?"

"Since I was 13.... That's common," Rogue said.

"I'm sorry," Dan said. "I mean...I'm sorry that it seems it has been a burden to you.... You seem to feel the weight of it."

Rogue shook her head. "I have...struggled with it.... I thought I accepted it...that I had a place to belong and do good...but lately, I've been all stirred up, wonderin' if that's really what I want and what I should have...and, y'know...people been telling me God might be able to help me...but that it's not time.... I just got so as I couldn't take it anymore...and here I am." She put her chin in her hands. "Runnin'.... I always run."

They were silent a moment, perhaps praying silently.

Finally Judy said, "Well...Marie...it must take some courage to be able to tell us, complete strangers, something so personal."

"Not really," Rogue said. "It's easier tellin' you than my own friends.... I don't think they'd understand." She sighed. "Not that humans understand either, but at least I expect that from them."

"I'll try not to be offended by that," Dan said dryly, "since I assume you mean in general..."

"Oh...sorry," Rogue said.

"It's all right. We have to have thicker skins than that to be associate pastors." Dan shrugged. "But...Miss Marie, perhaps these friends you mentioned would understand better than you think. Maybe they are like you? I'm sure you all struggle with your powers. I'm sure all of us struggle with feeling different. Even us believers don't usually fit in so well with other people, if we really try to follow the Word. But other people who are different can be quite accepting."

"It ain't that," Rogue said. "I just...I don't know.... Should I be wantin' a miracle?" She looked up again. "An...open door, like you were sayin'? Or should I just be content the way I am?"

"But it hurts your heart," Judy said. "Doesn't it? You seem like a nice girl.... Having a power that's such a danger...you don't like it, do you?"

Rogue shook her head.

Then she got an odd look. "Most poeple'd be afraid if I said I had that.... Ain't you worried I might touch you?"

"My dear, I think if you were going to, you could have many times by now," Judy said. "So long as we stay here, we're fine, aren't we? I suppose...yes, it would be odd if we thought about it too much. But I just looked at you and thought you needed some help.... I guess that hasn't changed. I just know why now."

It sounded just like Shine.... What was it with all these people?

"You aren't the only person with problems like that," Dan said. "I mean, mutations, that's new a reason, but we've had few people in our group who had some...mental problems.... They'd lash out at people.... It takes special grace to minister to them, but there's some good people who can. The results are amazing...so I guess, it's not so odd to us to hear about a struggle with it. And we should be open to all people, mutant or not...but you haven't been received well in the past? Is that it?"

Since Rogue had brought it up, there was some reason to think so.

"I.... No," she said. 

After a moment, she went on, still not sure what compelled her.

"My daddy...when he found out I was a mutant, it like to kill him."

They looked at her sympathetically.

"I'm sorry," Dan said.

"He was scared," Rogue said, lost in thought. "Told me to leave...said I wasn't his daughter no more."

"No." Judy was shocked. "Oh...you poor thing."

"It ain't so unusual," Rogue said. "I put a boy in the hospital, just from one kiss." She shook her head. "I never blamed my daddy for being horrified. Who wouldn't be?"

Judy got up and came and sat next to her and tentatively put a hand on her shoulder, to Rogue's surprise.

"I can't imagine how you must have suffered," Judy said gently. "You know...it's all right. You can feel hurt about that. We all have sorrow to bear. We're supposed to be there for one another. No need to hold it in."

Rogue sniffed, but she didn't want to cry again.

"It's all right, I done cried enough," she said. "I'm just sayin'...I don't know what to make of it all."

Dan rubbed his chin. "Marie, you're here now.... I can't explain to you why you have this mutation. I know things don't always make sense...but you came looking for answers, didn't you? Maybe you've had the answer already.... Maybe you have a door open, as it were. And maybe you're just wondering...if you can trust it."

Rogue looked up. "How...how do you mean?"

"Something made you come to us," Judy said, "even by accident.... If I may ask, do you know the Lord?"

"I can't say I do the way you people do," Rogue said. "I have...friends...who've been telling me about Him...and my brother...he believes real strongly in it, but I've never really been sure...and my other friends think it's all nonsense. I don't know who to believe."

"It looks like you do," Dan said, meaningfully. "I think...I'm sorry if this is a little blunt, but I think you're simply afraid to trust it.... Would that be right?"

Rogue shivered. "It might be..."

"Sometimes even the ability to have faith has to be a gift," Judy said. "I remember more of that letter to Philadelphia now.... The Lord says you have a little strength...just reminds me of that one man with the son who he wanted healed who said, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.' Sometimes we only believe enough to ask for more faith.... That's all right. That's a  start. And...I just think, Marie, if you came this far, even to our house, you're really looking for some faith. But you know, we can't give it to you."

She sat up. "Only God can give you that. We can just try to show you the right direction to look. You gotta come on your own."

"Judy is right about that," Dan said. "You're this close." He held up his finger and thumb. "But the rest of that step, it's gotta be yours. If you'd like help with that, you feel free to ask us...but for now, maybe we all could do with a warm dinner more than more talk. Would that be about right?"

Rogue nodded. She needed to think.

"I'll just go heat it up," Judy said. "It'll be simple, but that's all right. Dan, will you bring in some canned vegetables?"

"Sure." Dan headed to what must have been the garage.

Rogue got up and paced around the living room, thinking.

Could it really be true? Did she come all this way just to come right back to what she'd left behind?

And did she have the guts to believe that?

It didn't really answer any of her questions, what they'd said...but was that the question she wanted answered?

Suddenly, Rogue was just not sure what she wanted.

She'd have liked to talk to one of her friends about it...but she felt like it was too late to call them now, she'd let too much time pass. She couldn't go back there...not unless she settled something, finally. It would just feel too much like a defeat.

She was thinking this when someone knocked at the door.

"Marie, could you see who that is?" Judy called. "I'm sorry, but my hands are full of hot potatoes right now..."

"Sure," Rogue said. She looked out the peephole, then gasped and yanked the door open.

"Gambit?" she said.

https://youtu.be/I749u84cFDI

[I think this song fits Rogue perfectly.]