Nothing belongs to me. Nothing but these stories ever belonged to me. Welp, I'm using Hazama again.

Enjoy.

In a dimly lit room we see a figure sitting at a desk with a computer and a shotgun. Next to the desk is a coat rack that has a rather nice suit and tuxedo vest hanging from it along with a fedora. Now another mysterious figure enters the room.

(Y/N): How can I help you detective?

Batman: I've been told you're the guy people go to when they need something, or need to know something.

You swiveled in your chair to face him.

(Y/N): That is true. What do you need to know?

Batman: I need to know something about someone.

(Y/N): Okay, but my price is not ratting me out to GCPD.

Batman: Why do they listen to you? What's stopping them from turning you in?

(Y/N): Well, I'm the most valuable informant in Gotham and possibly the world. If someone betrays me then they'll have to deal with every one of my clients. They'll have every mercenary, assassin, hit squad, mob boss, vigilante, and criminal from here to Japan on their ass. And that would include the people that already hate them. Who do you need info on?

Batman: A man who calls himself Anarky.

(Y/N): I know his base of operations is somewhere off the coast. (phone rings) That all you need detective because I need to take this.

He left and you picked up the phone.

(Y/N): Hello.

????: (phone gibberish).

(Y/N): Oh hey Jack.

????: (More phone gibberish).

(Y/N): Meh. No matter what you call yourself you'll always be Jack to me.

"Jack": How's the plan coming along?

(Y/N): Quite nicely. I've already stuck Batsy onto a wild goose chase. And now we have the perfect setup. We can start right now if you want.

"Jack": Sure. Let's begin.

You smiled and went to your computer, hacking into Gotham's traffic lights and turning specific ones red. These lights now have armored cars filled with money, and other miscellaneous items, stopped at them. You picked up a walkie-talkie.

(Y/N): Alright everyone it's go time. Let's show the people that Gotham truly belongs to the criminals and not the bat.

You got up and grabbed your shotgun, vest and holster for your (pistol of choice). Then you grabbed your hat and suit.

(Y/N): Time for some fun.

You then ran to a military semi and got in.

(Y/N): I do love it when a plan comes together.

You drove off to a certain location and waited. Many minutes of waiting later those armored trucks drove up.

(Y/N): Alright, let's load this into the trailer before the Dark Blight realizes that I lied to him.

Despite your best efforts he showed up shortly after and you had to do some quick improvisation.

(Y/N): HEY GET AWAY FROM MY TRUCK!

You discretely signaled to the everyone that it was an act.

Batman: You lied to me.

(Y/N): Hey I told you he was off the coast, I didn't say which coast.

 Shortly after the altercation between you and Batman The Joker pulled out his revolver and, seemingly, shot you.

(Y/N): AAAAAH! YOU JUST SHOT ME IN THE FUCKING EYE! YOU CAN'T EVEN KILL ME RIGHT!

You fell over holding your eye and screaming. Batman began to do the only thing he does other than spend money.

(Y/N): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Batman turned around only to see the butt of your shotgun. You knocked him over and stepped on his chest, shooting him in the kneecap in the process with your (pistol of choice). Then you took a handkerchief from your suit and used it to wipe the blood from the eye that was "shot" before opening your eye and revealing that it was completely fine.

Mr. Freeze: How?

(Y/N): Blood packet and a blank. You know, for a master detective it really didn't occur to you that I was behind this the whole time. The fact I lied to you should've tipped you off. Could someone tie this guy up?

You smashed your gun into his face again, breaking his nose and knocking him out. You went and took inventory to make sure no one had taken anything for themselves.

(Y/N): Ah good. Everyone stayed true to their word.

They loaded Batman into the truck and you drove to your warehouse on the outskirts of Gotham.

(Y/N): A complete and total success! I applaud all of you in your ability to work together.

(Y/N): Now, as promised you all get a fair share of the goodies.

You opened the trailer and pulled the unconscious Batman out before tying him to a chair. Then you went back to the trailer. You handed a sheet of paper and bag of money to Bane.

(Y/N): For you a recipe for a more potent variety of your venom.

You handed a canvas sack to Scarecrow along with another moneybag.

(Y/N): For you, high quality materials for your fear toxin.

You kept going on like this for each villain, giving them a cut of the money and something they wanted. Then you were finally at the last few, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and The Joker and his girlfriend.

(Y/N): As for the rest of you I have something more than money. And, if my calculations are correct, Batman should be awake by now.

You looked over to the chair and saw that you were, in fact, correct.

(Y/N): Wakey wakey. Eggs and bakey. Now detective, or do you prefer Bruce? Any last words?

He simply glared at you. Then you flicked open a butterfly knife and were about to stab him, but before the blade made contact with his throat you stopped.

(Y/N): You know. It's been so long I'm not sure how I should do this.

You grabbed the crowbar you kept in your truck and opened a nearby crate. You looked through the weapons in the crate.

(Y/N): (Grenade) Overkill. (Nailed plank) Underkill. (Ax) No. (Saber) To pirate-y. Do any of you want to do the honors?

You didn't wait for someone to answer you left to water your cactus garden.

Poison Ivy: Quite the collection you have here.

(Y/N): Well they're the only thing I can have and not kill. Well, aside from roses.

You gestured to a rosebush in the corner with (F/C) flowers.

(Y/N): I know to be careful around these plants, and to be careful around you. You know what they say. Every rose has its thorn.

You finished and saw that they had surrounded Batman in lighter fluid. (And if you're wondering why it's lighter fluid and not gas. Lighter fluid is easier to work with when it comes to arson).

(Y/N): I've got the perfect song for this.

You started playing "Ring of Fire."

(Y/N): Does anyone want to do the honors?

Jack: You should. After all you were the one responsible for this.

Your sinister smile grew into a twisted grin as you took a box of matches from your suit and lit one. You threw it onto the ground before taking a step back and watching as the caped crusader struggled to break free from the ropes. You turned to the others.

(Y/N): Now, for your special rewards.

You gave a set of blueprints to Catwoman. You gave a rare and special flower to Poison Ivy. And you gave Jack a set of keys to his new Jokermobile. You motioned to Harley.

(Y/N): Come with me.

She followed you to a small room in the corner of the warehouse.

(Y/N): I know everything.

Harley: About what?

(Y/N): You and Jack. Why are you still with him? He treats you like a piece of shit. And to him you're just a means to an end.

Harley burst into tears. You put an arm around her and let her cry on your shoulder.

Harley: (sobbing) I know. But every day I hope that will change and every day I'm wrong.

You've always felt sorry for her and you wanted to help in some way, but no matter how many times you ran it through your head you couldn't figure it out. The only solution you could think of was to kill your best friend, but you're middle name ain't Judas. When she was done she gave you a small hug, which you returned.

(Y/N): If there's anything I can do to help you, just ask.

You got up and left the room to see that there was no Batman anymore, just a smoldering pile of ashes.

(Y/N): Lunch?

 They nodded. It was then that you quickly realized Jack had left.

(Y/N): Well then, I'm fucked aren't i?

All three: Yep.

(Y/N): (sighs) Might as well take it now.

You took a sleeping pill from your coat pocket and ate it. When you woke up you were in nothing but your underwear and buried under the three women from the neck down. You simply chuckled and resigned to your fate. From that day forward you acquired the blueprints for every building, any needed explosives, and sometimes a gun or five. You ended up enjoying your new life, and you wouldn't have it any other way.

~Teh edn~

Yay now I get to sleep.