Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt's gift-a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."

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TOMORROW IS PATRICK STUMP'S BIRTHDAY HE'S TURNING 31 AND WOO YEAH.