Theo scowled at the mirror in his bedroom. He hated everything.

It was the night of the Policeman's Ball, and he was reluctantly going. Spiro, along with most of the police officers in the surrounding towns, not to mention Chief Edwards, would be there. It was a formal event, formal enough that they had rented out a ballroom. Why anyone would invest their money in a place as fancy as a ballroom in Louisburg, he had no idea.

 Theo hated formal events. He also hated balls, dances, and proms in general. Basically any event where shrimp cocktail was a common food. He didn't mind dancing itself, of course. Goofily dancing around with Cyrus to a Lesley Gore song was one of his favorite ways to spend a Friday night. (Cyrus was a sucker for Lesley Gore in a way Theo never understood, especially when they normally listened to obscure psychedelic rock, but hey, everybody had their guilty pleasures. Theo got his Sandra Bullock movies, and Cyrus got his Lesley Gore albums). But the Policeman's Ball was nothing like those fun, cozy evenings. Instead it would be nothing more than a soul sucking, lifeless, stuffy event that he would rather die than go to. Well, death was a little extreme. He'd rather bathe in raw sewage for a month than go. That was more realistic. Benny was his stand-in husband for the evening, seeing as Cyrus couldn't go, and part of Theo looked forward to putting on a show with him even though it was tiring to remember all the lies they had told about their fake relationship before. Benny tried to make their pretending fun, so they'd usually come up with some situation beforehand. Something to ease the discomfort and make people not ask too many questions about their personal life, which policemen's wives loved to do. Tonight, to prevent maximum awkwardness at the Ball, they would pretend that they had had a huge fight right before arriving, and barely speak to each other for the rest of the night. Perfect.

But while Benny was mostly emotionless about going to the Ball, Cyrus was excited. Theo assumed he was only happy because he didn't have to go, and left it at that. He strode out of their bedroom with a sigh and gestured to the suit. Cyrus let out a low whistle and raised his eyebrows as Theo spun around.

"Acceptable?" Theo asked miserably.

"There's the hot husband I remember," Cyrus commented, a sly grin on his face. "You look great."

"I feel like someone shoved a ruler down my shirt so that I'm forced to stand up straight."

"Well now, we both know you can't really do anything straight, can you?"

"You know what I mean."

"I do, and I also know you look sexy enough that the old widowers will be crawling all over you like the cougars they are." Theo shuddered at the thought as someone knocked on the door. Cyrus's playful smile faded as he opened it, letting Benny in. He was dressed in a similar suit and nodded at the two of them.

"So, Theo," he muttered. "Ready to act like we like each other?"

"Sure," Theo smirked. "I'll just imagine that you're Cyrus, and you imagine that I'm a ham sandwich. That should work." Cyrus laughed and then turned his attention to Benny, falling serious.

"You know the rules, Benny-"

"Yeah yeah," Benny rolled his eyes. "No touching, no kissing, no inappropriate gestures, no detours, no spilling the beans, no innuendos, and if shit hits the fan, I die getting him back here to you. I'll have him back here as soon as we leave the stupid ball, I'll be a perfect gentleman, and if he still has complaints about me, I'll accept whatever beating you give me in return."

"Glad you understand." Cyrus clapped him on the shoulder in an overly playful way and Theo rolled his eyes.

"Don't listen to him, Benny, he's just trying to scare you. I know you'll be the same gentleman you always are." He grinned at Cyrus. "Maybe you should teach my husband some of your manners."

"Ouch," Cyrus replied. "I'm just trying to keep you safe and happy, sugar."

"Yeah, well, I shot you. I think I can handle myself pretty well." Benny chuckled, and Cyrus scowled at both of them. Theo and Benny left soon after, Cyrus reluctantly closing the door behind them.

Theo knew this was the part of the job Cyrus hated most. They trusted Benny, yes, but he knew a piece of Cyrus still hated the fact that he couldn't be the one to take him. He couldn't take him out to fancy restaurants and movies and balls. Someone else had to do it in his place. They had plenty of fun with each other, of course, but it was always at home. It was difficult, Theo imagined, for Cyrus to have to watch his husband go out and pretend with other people. To watch him have a good time and know that he could never be a part of it. It was one of the struggles and strains of a hidden relationship, but they made it work. It would all work out anyways. He'd make it up to Cyrus later. He always did.

***

"Detective Theodore Adler and his husband, Mr. Benjamin Tilford." Personally, Theo thought that a man reading all their names out to the crowd was a bit over the top, but it was a Ball, capital B and all. With the fancy room, the golden streamers and the expensive looking food, all they were missing was Prince Charming running around with Cinderella's missing shoe. He and Benny walked in, arm in arm, and Theo quickly scanned the crowd for Spiro. If he was going to be trapped in this stupid place for a few hours, he would at least stick to the people he knew would be just as miserable as himself.

"I didn't know your name was Theodore," Benny admitted. "I thought it was just Theo."

"It basically is," Theo said. "No one's really called me Theodore in years." Now that he actually thought about it, he didn't think Cyrus had ever called him Theodore. Nobody did. The name fit him about as well as a pair of size four stilettos would, and Theo didn't do well in heels. He continued to search around as they walked around the ballroom, the perfect image of a stable couple. "I didn't know your name was Benjamin, so I guess we're even."

"I'm honestly not sure if it is. I just thought Benjamin sounded more official than Benny." Theo snorted. "Who are we looking for?"

"Spiro. He's my partner. We'll sit next to him, and be wonderfully uncomfortable all night."

"What's he look like?"

"Um, tallish, blond hair, shrimpy, looks like he either took one too many Valium or not enough cocaine."

"Ah. Sounds like a nice guy."

"He is."

They eventually tracked down Spiro and the game began.

"Spiro!" Theo called, sliding up next to his partner and noting the drink in his hand. "Five minutes in and you're already drinking. Told you this thing would be miserable."

"I should've listened," Spiro agreed. He glanced at Benny. "Hi,"

"Oh, right. Spiro, this is my husband, Benny. Benny, this is my partner, Spiro." They shook hands, and Theo smiled. It was fun watching others be completely ignorant of what was right in front of their faces sometimes.

"It's nice to finally meet you," Benny said. "Theo's told me so much about you."

"I wish I could say the same," Spiro admitted. "Theo doesn't talk much about his personal life."

"Oh, but why would he," Benny scoffed haughtily. "He practically hates me. I couldn't even get dressed right for his stupid Ball."

"You said you wouldn't do this here," Theo hissed through gritted teeth. Spiro glanced between the two of them, unsure and slightly afraid.

"And why shouldn't I? You don't want to be here any more than I do. Maybe I should just make a whole scene so that we can both go home."

"Benjamin, I swear-"

"Oh, bringing out the full name already. Wonderful. Say, why don't we put this argument on hold until I get a drink I can properly throw in your face?" Theo crossed his arms, the perfect picture of a furious husband.

"Why don't you? At least then you wouldn't be drinking."

"Ah, yes, because you'd love it if I died of dehydration." Benny practically spat the words in his face, and Spiro looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Right now? Yes." Spiro looked around awkwardly, not sure if he should leave until Benny finally stormed away towards the bar.

"Well, that was... peachy," He offered awkwardly.

"Sorry about that," Theo sighed. "Part of the reason I don't really talk about him is that, as you can guess, we don't really get along."

"Why would you stay married to a guy who you don't even like then?" Spiro questioned.

"You want the honest answer to that?" Theo raised an eyebrow.

"Sure." He forced a smile.

"Because sex is wonderful thing, Spiro. I'm gonna get a drink." He walked away, leaving a stunned partner behind.

Theo and Benny met up behind one of the pillars of the ballroom, out of sight. The second Spiro was no longer in view, Theo burst out laughing. Benny handed him a drink, trying not to chuckle himself.

"We put on a good show," He commented.

"Absolutely Oscar worthy." Theo agreed, grinning. "I think I have permanently traumatized Spiro," He sighed. "This is fun."

"If you lie this well for a lousy dance, I can only imagine the stuff you come up with when you're covering Cyrus's ass." Theo smirked.

"You don't know the half of it. I think I tell more lies than facts these days."

"Well, we appreciate it," Benny insisted. "I still think we should get you on the ground floor of the Hunters, but Cyrus keeps fighting against it. You'd do great things in the gang world."

"If by great, you mean illegal." Theo glanced down. "I'm fine with telling all the lies I need to and pretending in public, but Cyrus is right. I won't be on the ground floor. It's not the kind of life I'm here for."

"We're not all dirty criminals, you know."

"Of course I know that. But with all the drugs and the running? I'm tired enough as it is just keeping one relationship hidden. Hiding a whole gang's worth of secrets is too much. I'm quite comfortable with the level of danger I'm in every day, and I don't intend to raise it."

"Fair enough," Benny sighed, backing off. "It's a shame though. You'd be great. Even Cyrus knows that, although he refuses to admit it."

"Sorry to disappoint you, Benjamin, but it's never going to happen." Benny shrugged and raised his glass.

"To pretending, then." Theo smiled and they clinked glasses.

"To pretending." They drank and headed back out, ready to horrify the rest of the crowd with their unhappy marriage.

***

They kept up their ice cold relationship for another three hours, hissing insults and making everyone else uncomfortable as they did so. Through dinner and then dancing and everything in between. Benny was surprisingly good at waltzing, in a way Theo did not understand. He struggled through one battle of attempting to not step on anyone's feet and then sat back down, letting Benny lead the cougars around the floor for an hour or so, including one very awkward dance with Chief Edwards. Theo had to leave the room for that one and go burst out laughing in the bathroom. Acting with Benny was one thing, but watching Cyrus Mossberg's right hand man dance with the Chief of Police was just comedic gold. Eventually the band stopped playing and everyone took their seats at the rounded tables. Waiters ran around the room, serving food that Theo knew he'd never be able to afford on a police officer's salary. He was never sure where Edwards found the money to put together the Ball every year, but she found a way. A microphone screeched as Edwards, speak of the devil, walked up on stage holding a few useless notecards.

"It's so nice to see all your lovely faces here this evening," She began.

"Oh, here we go," Spiro muttered, already reaching for his glass. "The first of the never ending speeches."

"Just be glad we don't have to give one." Theo whispered back.

"Now that would be a sight to see," Benny added. "You stumbling around the stage, making a fool of yourself as usual."

"Oh, says the man who can't even put on his damn cuff-links without me." Theo shot back.

"You can't give a speech for shit."

"Shut up before you draw more attention to yourself, honestly."

"Oh please. If I wanted to make a scene, I'd make it a night to remember."

"I'd like to see you try-"

"Please stop arguing," Spiro hissed. Theo tilted his head.

"Who said we were arguing? Just making conversation, right Ben?" Benny practically recoiled at the name. Nobody called him Ben. It was like calling him Janice; the name just didn't work.

"Oh course." He gritted his teeth and plastered on a fake smile. "Just having a pleasant conversation with my wonderful husband." Theo forced back a grin. Benny was so good at acting, he could end a lie detector's whole career. Up on the stage, Chief Edwards kept rambling, something about how their jobs were making the world safer or something. Spiro started attempting to balance a spoon on his face while the other people at their table glared at him.

"And these are dangerous times we live in," Edwards went on, Theo tuning back into her speech. "Gangs roam our streets, but not for long. With our terrific detective working round the clock-" Spiro dropped the spoon onto his plate with a loud clank as people looked their way and Theo smiled sheepishly. "-We've managed to arrest the most powerful member of the Cardinal Rebel gang, with the rest of its members soon to follow. At this rate, and with the help of the FBI in a few weeks, I am confident in saying that Louisburg will be a safe, gang free town by this time next year. With Cyrus Mossberg and the rest of these heartless, dangerous gangsters behind bars, I'm sure we will all rest easier." Benny tensed slightly, and the smile dropped from Theo's face. Gangfree within a year? Edwards must have thought the Hunters were just as idiotic as Oak Mayfield. Theo could see the strain in Benny's face as he tried not to laugh or make a strange expression. The idea of Cyrus being thrown into jail was ludicrous to them. Spiro and Theo's entire jobs were dedicated to taking him down, and the closest they had gotten to him was that shot in the restaurant and at Kramer's. They wouldn't have Cyrus caught within a year, even with the FBI's help, and if by some miracle they did, the Hunters would never go down. That was the difference between them and the poorly named Cardinal Rebels. Oak was a head leader. He knew all and everyone else was a useless cronie. Cyrus didn't work that way. He wasn't the head of a snake to be cut off. He was more of a mother hen with dozens of small chicks, all of which would grow up and expand on their own. If you took Cyrus down, someone else would just take his place. The Hunters were secure, whereas Oak's gang had been flimsy. That's why they had been so easy to remove any threat the Rebels posed. Without Oak, Theo imagined, the Rebels were falling to pieces.

"Within a year," Spiro echoed, his eyes wide. "That's no pressure or anything."

"She must think pretty highly of the FBI," Theo commented, glancing at Benny. But the gangster didn't seem the slightest bit concerned, and Cyrus had continued to reassure him about it, so surely the Chief had been overestimating the FBI, right? They had nothing to worry about.

"You won't catch Cyrus Mossberg within a year," Benny said vaguely, and Theo shot him a pointed look.

"Who knows," Spiro shrugged. "Anything is possible at this point. I didn't think we'd get the Rebels within a year, and here we are."

"Cyrus is a helluva lot smarter than Oak Mayfield though," Theo insisted. Spiro groaned.

"Don't remind me. When we arrest him, let's give him an IQ test. I'm curious."

The rest of the ball passed uneventfully, and before Theo knew it, he and Benny had left.

"No wonder you hate Balls," Benny muttered as they drove away.

"I'm just grateful that this thing only comes once a year." Theo said.

"Me too."

"So, are you gonna be my date next year too?"

"Hell no. Cyrus can bring you himself and suffer through a night of forced smiles and uncomfortable clothes."

"You forgot bad music, cougars, and monotone speeches."

"I've been trying to forget those since they ended." Theo snorted.

"I don't even understand why I have to go. It's a useless event." He sighed. "I'd rather just stay home." Home with Cyrus, possibly bingeing bad movies with popcorn. That's where he always wanted to be. There was no place safer and happier in his mind, after all.

***

Cyrus, naturally, was still awake when they walked in the door.

"How was it?" He asked, smiling cheekily. Benny stood casually near the door while Theo let out a groan and crossed the room to give his real husband a kiss.

"Miserable as always," He declared, shrugging off his suit jacket. "But at least now Spiro definitely won't be asking about my husband anytime soon."

"Yeah?" Cyrus glanced at Benny. "What did you two do?"

"Acted like we hated each other, scarred him for life, the usual." Theo shrugged. "And Benny was every bit the gentleman I told you he would be, so no beating required."

"Good," Cyrus grinned. "Thanks, Benny. It's nice to be able to trust someone with this sort of thing." Benny nodded.

"Anytime," He insisted. "Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a bed and a ham sandwich waiting for me at home."

"I knew it! Ham sandwich!" Theo exclaimed, pointing at him.

"They are irresistible." Cyrus laughed.

"Sure you want to go home so early?" He asked. "I guarantee you we've got better booze than whatever they were serving at Cinderella's house."

"You say early like it's not already past midnight," Theo said, loosening his tie. Cyrus raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, I definitely remember when we were in college together and you'd convince me to stay out till five a.m. partying and then go to an eight a.m. class. Don't tell me you're getting old on me now." Theo shoved at him playfully.

"Do I look like I'm getting old to you?" He questioned, and Cyrus leaned closer to him, inspecting his face.

"Is that a gray hair-"

"Oh shut up," Theo pushed his face away and looked to Benny as Cyrus complained about being robbed of a kiss and sat down at the table. "Why don't you stay for a drink, Ben? It'll be fun."

"As long as neither of you ever call me 'Ben' again," Benny agreed, taking a seat at their kitchen table.

"Whatever you say, Ben." Cyrus said. Benny scowled and lifted an unfriendly finger at him.

"Children," Theo commented, rolling his eyes as he hunted through their liquor cabinet. "What do you think will help us forget all the cougars that winked at us faster— whiskey or bourbon?"

"Go with the bourbon, it's stronger," Cyrus suggested. "The Ball was that bad, huh?"

"When are social events not bad?" Theo countered, taking off his tie.

"You seem eager to get that suit off."

"You don't seem to mind." Cyrus's eyes danced deviously as Benny rolled his eyes and started examining the rest of the room.

"Well, maybe I'll just have to help you out of it." Theo smirked and brought over the bottle of bourbon.

"Maybe later, mister. We have a guest to drink ourselves to death with first." Cyrus shook his head, never taking his eyes off his husband.

"Curse you and your hospitality."

"I can leave if you want," Benny offered. "Don't want that ham sandwich getting lonely."

"Nah, you can stay," Cyrus insisted. "We should toast to the cougars."

"I'll drink to that."

"I thought you would."