***What the heck is this song doing here?

Welp, guess you'll just have to read this chapter LOL

I've been waiting so long to write this one, so...welcome to 4,000 words of angsty Jaya.***

***(Nya's POV; song for this chapter: "Happier" by Marshmello and Bastille)***

My graphite pencil tip breaks, and my bottom lip trembles.

Jay, Lloyd, and I got back a few hours ago. We haven't heard from the others, and to be honest, I'm starting to get worried. Of course, I'm already worried about a host of other things – finals, the mission, Jay, running away. If I run away. I just don't know about anything anymore.

I toss my broken pencil to the side, taking a deep breath.

"I won't cry," I sniffle to myself. "I won't cry!" I snatch a new pencil from my case, accidentally jabbing my palm on one tip. I bite out a curse and pull out my hand as blood begins to pool near my thumb.

I wipe the liquid off on my pants, forcing myself to take deep breaths. My eyes stray up to the clock, looking for something to keep me grounded.

9:43 in the evening. I still have time to complete this review sheet. It's extra credit, and the First Spinjitzu Master knows we all could use some extra credit.

Okay, I can do this. I reach my hand in my pencil bag again, this time more slowly. I pick out a new utensil and look down at my paper sheet.

The letters swim before my eyes, but I blink away the distraction.

"Let's see," I swallow. "Um, calculate the thermal change for the following reaction. Thermal change." I rack my brain. "We did this two months ago in chem class. I know how to perform these equations. Um, thermal change, thermal change, thermal – "

I stop. The truth is, I don't remember. My head is too full of...everything to think right now.

But it's already almost ten in the evening, and if I want to turn in to bed before midnight, I have to complete this review sheet now. I'm just going to have to push through these problems.

I skip to the next question on my paper. "Let's see...okay, here we are. I'm determining the reverse reaction for this equation. That's cool. I can do reverse reactions." I begin to work the problem on my page, when –

Snap! My pencil tip breaks. Again.

I inhale deeply. "Good golly, this is killing me." I scoot back my desk chair and cross over to my bed, flopping down on it for just a moment. All I need is a few cleansing –

I press my nose to my pillow, and it smells just like Jay's aftershave.

A sob escapes my throat, and I pull away from the pillow. "No," I choke out. "Stop h-haunting me already!" I roll off my bed and cross over to the desk chair, sitting down with a vigor. "I will complete this now. Nya, you know how to work thermal energy problems. You can do this!"

But for the next several minutes, all that stares back at me is a blank problem.

I snap, shoving my desk chair backwards. It topples onto the floor, but I don't even care. I don't have time to care. I don't have energy to care.

I grab the pillow that smells like Jay and shove it under my bed. I'll deal with it after finals week. I'm too stressed to wash it now.

Do I even want to wash it?

Tears stream down my face, and I groan from the depths of my being. "Why is this my l-life?" I sniffle, voice trembling. "I l-lose everyone – my parents, Lloyd, J-Jay. Jay's mom. I k-killed her! And then everyone comes b-back to b-betray me. All the p-people I love and t-trust and – ugh!" I flop backwards in bed, messing up my blankets and throwing a tantrum I've been holding in for three months.

And it feels good.

"I hate being me," I wail, rubbing at the waterfalls that are my eyes. "I hate it!"

But at the same time...I love it.

I realize there are so many good memories I wouldn't give up for anything else in the world – my sixteenth birthday, board games with Lloyd, that night sleeping outside at the water tower next to my brother and Skylor.

My first dance, first kiss, first 'I love you' with Jay.

"But I hurt people," I choke out. "How do I deserve anything good if I only ever hurt people? Why am I so – "

"What happened?" Lloyd demands, grabbing my hands.

I blink, realizing...he must've heard me in here and come to check on me.

And I have a feeling I look like a bedraggled mess.

"Talk to me, Nya," he orders. "What's wrong?"

I sniff, sitting up in bed. "I'm fine. You can go." I try to tug my hands away from his, but he doesn't release me.

"Nya, you were literally having some sort of emotional breakdown not one minute ago. I'm not just leaving you. Tell me what happened."

"Just stress," I reply. "I couldn't figure out the answer to a chem equation and decided to cry my way out of it. I feel better now." Loads better, actually. Crying...seems to have helped me.

Lloyd huffs. "You never cry, Nya."

"But when I do, it's for a purpose. As I said, I feel better now." About school and Jay and running away and...about Lloyd. I realize I'm talking out my feelings with him, and I'm not...ranting.

Healing has begun.

I sigh with relief, and something like a laugh bubbles out of me.

Freedom.

I've been one of those caged birds at a pet store for months, and I'm finally...finally becoming free. It might take more than one crying session, but all the anger, hate, bitterness – all of it – it's starting to lose its grip on me. I just know it.

Lloyd frowns at me. "You're never this emotional, Nya. What happened?" He looks down at our joined hands to notice...the blood on mine.

Oh, yeah. The pencil accident.

He examines my palm. "Did you...do this to yourself?"

"Pfft, no. I accidentally jabbed myself with a pencil tip."

"There's a piece of graphite stuck in your hand." He studies my expression. "You're not lying to me, right?"

"No." I meet his gaze head-on.

His eyes are that familiar green that means late night pizza and heart-to-hearts, inside jokes that even we don't understand, and trading nametags at school orientation. Or at least, that's what his eyes used to mean.

I wonder if they still can.

For the first time since February, I think I might actually want to work things out with him. I realize...that I miss him. That I still love him. I wouldn't have cried over him otherwise.

That's not to say I'm ready for any of that right now, though. But...I might eventually be?

He sighs. "I'm running to the kitchen to grab you a bandage, and then I'm taking you home for the night. You're overstressed right now."

I roll my eyes. "I'm done with the crying thing, Lloyd. I don't need to go home."

"But that's exactly where you're headed." He leaves without another word.

I sigh. Here we go. Overprotective men are just the best.

I guess a night at home won't be so bad, though. I need some time to sort through all these weird, new...light feelings that are rushing through me.

I sit like that on my bed for a moment, just reveling in being liberated from negativity, even if only to a small extent. Now that I've tasted freedom, all I want is more.

That's when Jay Walker comes running in and leaps onto my bed. He encircles me with his arms.

"Oh, my gosh! Lloyd was in the kitchen, and I was making myself some food, and he said you'd had a breakdown, and now that I'm here I can tell you're a mess and – are you okay?!"

I giggle. This worrying side of Jay is familiar – it's been around for as long as I can remember.

"I'm okay, Jay." I awkwardly pat his arm.

He sighs with relief. "Golly, you had me scared. I was afraid you were going to be out of your head in here, but...you're fine."

"I am." I lean into his hug for a moment. "I...I forgive you, Jay."

"Forgive me? Like, for pretending to be sick and...blowing up at Ronin?"

"Yeah." I swallow back another wave of emotions. "I wasn't letting myself deal with my pain, but...I finally allowed myself to start doing that tonight. Just don't do that kind of thing again, okay? Don't take advantage of me."

"Oh, my goodness. Thank you." He squeezes me tight.

Lloyd comes back in with a bandage and a cell phone. "Your brother finally texted me," he says. "Um, but it seems like something happened to PIXAL – she short-circuited, maybe? And Kai's been staying with Zane until he and Borg have her more stable."

Oh, great. That doesn't give me a light, happy feeling.

Lloyd looks down at his phone again. "He says things are looking up, but that Zane's a distraught mess."

"That's...not good. But you said she looked like she was improving?"

"Yes. And he's freaking out about you having a breakdown – I may or may not have told him that – so he'll be home as soon as Borg gets Zane calmed down."

"It wasn't a breakdown," I huff.

So Kai's spazzing out about me, when he should be more concerned about Zane.

I hold out my hand as Lloyd applies some ointment to my wound, peels the sticky paper off either side of the bandage, and seals my cut with the dressing. I would totally do it myself, but Jay kind of has me captive in a hug right now.

"I'll drive you back home," Jay volunteers. "And I can stay with you until Kai arrives."

I shake my head. "No, it's fine." Jay and I really don't need to be alone. Together. In a closed space. Like, I forgive him and all, but I don't necessarily trust him.

I just have a feeling he's not emotionally mature enough to handle those situations well.

"I thought you forgave me," he swallows.

"Yeah, I do, but that doesn't mean I'm letting you take me home."

"I...have more studying to do," Lloyd confesses. He always freaks out about tests. "But if you want, I can totally save that for later tonight and drive you home now."

"It's fine," I shrug. "I can always drive myself, you know."

"No!" Lloyd and Jay say simultaneously.

"You're an emotional mess without a license," Lloyd asserts.

Way to put it plainly.

"I could do it," I insist.

"I'd be happy to take you," Jay pipes up again. "I'm studied up and ready to go, so it wouldn't be a problem for me. Plus, I have to make things up to you, now that we're finally on good terms again."

I sigh. Cole can't drive me – he's suspended for a day or two, since he did get a concussion –and Zane is...occupied with PIXAL at the moment.

"Fine," I relent. "You can take me, Jay."

Let's hope this time with Jay goes well.

I may be in a forgiving mood, but I just have a feeling I won't be forgetting certain wrongdoings tonight.

***(Jay's POV)***

"Are you sure you're okay?" I ask on the ride back. We're on Kai and Nya's street, and she's been unusually...quiet the whole way here.

"I'm fine, Jay," she says, staring out the passenger window. "Just concerned about Zane and PIXAL, is all."

I'm actually more worried about Nya than I am about them. PIXAL will be fine. Kai said she was improving. And once PIXAL's fine, Zane will be fine. But Nya? I have no clue.

I sigh, wrapping my hand around hers. "Can you please try to get some rest? I'm worried about you."

"Then the problem obviously lies with you. I'm not worrying about me. I feel better after that tear-fest than I have in months."

I pull up next to her house. "Do you need anything from me?" Because I'd be happy to stay and comfort her with cuddles until she's ready for bed.

She shakes her head. "I'm actually okay, but thanks."

"I don't believe you're okay."

"You don't have to. It's still true."

I come around to her side to open her door, but she's already on it. Her tired legs trudge up the pathway, and I can see she's exhausted from our mission and stress and her meltdown.

I walk in step with her. "So...you really forgive me?"

"Really."

"Then why don't you want me around to comfort you tonight?"

"Simple: I don't need comfort. I just want to get some rest and work out my feelings, Jay."

I move in front of her, placing my hands on her shoulders. "Nya, you know that I know you're strong and completely capable. I just want to help you. I want you to live your best life, and that means I don't want to see you – "

"Why are we talking about this? I'm fine, Jay." I can tell she's getting frustrated.

"But – "

"Leave it, please. Don't worry so much. Whatever happened to the power of positive thinking?"

It...died with my mom, if I'm being honest. However, I don't answer her.

I walk her up to her door, but all the lights are off inside.

"I guess Kai must not be home yet," I frown.

"That's okay. I'm almost seventeen years old, you know."

"Huh. Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to hang around for a while."

She rolls her eyes. "Because you're worried about me being alone."

I move so my arms are around her again. "Well – yes, but also because I could never have enough time with you." I stroke her back before stepping out of the hug. "Is there a game or something you'd like to play?"

"Hide and seek. That away, you eventually give up looking for me and go away." I can hear the smile in her voice, but also the bid for me to leave.

"Aww," I pout. "I was hoping for Sardines. That way, when I do find you, we get to snuggle together until Kai gets home and finds us both." I wiggle my eyebrows.

She laughs. "Jay, you are the funniest guy I know."

I revel in her praise. "I speak from the heart." Because I would love to snuggle.

"Your heart must be a fun place to be, then." She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

I kiss her fingertips. "You're already in it."

She blushes and pulls her hand away. "I-I think we should go inside."

Oh...I got her to blush, huh?

I'm getting closer to her heart. I can feel it.

Maybe it's time for bad-boy Jay to turn on the charm.

I watch as Nya pulls open the screen door, then uses her house key to unlock the place.

I step in front of her. "Let me go in first."

"Nope." She swings the door open, then turns on the porch light.

"But I can protect you."

"But I don't need it." She heads right inside, plopping down on the couch as soon as she reaches it.

Well, that was a bust.

I sit down next to her. "Wanna play Monastery Mayhem?" It's a new game I finally got her to download on her phone.
She whips out her device. "On it."

Looking over her shoulder gives me an excuse to get close, so I put my face right next to hers. "New high score?" I make my voice lower than usual. Smoother, too.

"Uh-huh," she says absently. "Um, Jay, would you mind moving a little to the right?"

"Why?" I grin slowly, knowing I'm getting to her.

"Why? Um...because...I need a blanket. It's freezing."

Her pride prevents her from telling me to scoot over because I make her want a relationship.

That's a score for me. It means I get to sit right next to her.

Pulling down the giant quilt at the corner of the couch, I arrange it over us. Then, I settle one arm around her, leaning in just slightly as she watches her phone screen.

"Jay?" she says softly.

"What?" I gently tilt her head so it's against my shoulder.

"We're too close," she mumbles, not moving.

Yes! Time to take things a little further.

"What's wrong with being close?" I ask innocently. As I say the words, I move my lips so they brush teasingly against her neck.

She shivers, and that's all the response I need to keep going.

"Nya, what's wrong with being too close?" I repeat, my mouth right at her ear.

She struggles for words. "I mean, um, that...uh – "

Her stuttering is cut off as I slowly caress her arm.

"What is it?" I ask, my voice as charming as Wu's magic flute.

"Jay," she murmurs, turning her face to stare me in the eyes. "You...should probably..." Her breath hitches.

My voice is barely audible. "What should I probably do?"

"I...I..." She gazes into my eyes, just as I lose myself in hers.

And suddenly, her gaze flicks downward – to my mouth.

Yes.

I ever-so-cautiously lower my head so I'm only a breath away from her lips. "Nya, what should I probably do?"

"Doesn't matter now," she whispers.

My mouth captures hers, my free hand moving around to frame her face. She makes a humming noise in her throat and curls her arms around my neck, falling into the kiss. She tastes like the mint gum she chews while she studies, and all I want is more.

One of my hands find its way from her cheek to her waist, pulling her against my chest so we can be closer. That's all I've ever wanted – to be closer to her.

And then, just as I angle my head to take things a little deeper...she pulls back.

"You shouldn't have done that," she says breathlessly.

I touch my forehead to hers. "It's what both of us wanted."

"But not what we needed. You took advantage of me, Jay." Hurt flashes over her features.

"No, I did – " I stop short.

She kind of has a point.

I kissed her while she was still emotionally exhausted from earlier and...less likely to resist me.

"Lately, I've been, I've been thinking

I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier."

"I'm sorry," I sniffle, my eyes locking with hers. "Nya, I...I'm sorry."

What have I done? Since when does Jay Walker kiss girls when they're at a disadvantage?

"You should be sorry." She shakes her head sadly and pulls the blanket off us, standing up with her back to me.

I cringe at the distance she puts between us. Distance that I necessitated.

"When the morning comes,

When we see what we've become,

In the cold light of day we're a flame in the wind,

Not the fire that we've begun.

Every argument, every word we can't take back,

'Cause with all that has happened,

I think we both know the way that this story ends."

"Nya," I say, feeling some sense of urgency. I stand up behind her. "Nya, I'm so – "

"Don't even say it." She shakes her head. "I've trusted you, cared for you, saved your skin on missions. I've covered for you with the guys when you were having problems about your mom and when you drank away your depression. I've let you borrow my notes after class when you weren't paying attention – and you weren't focusing because you were staring at me the whole time." She laughs humorlessly. "I've let you sleep in my room when you're sad and scared, I've played videogames with you when I should've been studying or applying for jobs far away, and I've always made sure you remembered to eat and to do your homework when you were in a really bad funk."

"All those things are true," I acknowledge. "And I realize that I haven't done much in return, but – "

"Then only for a minute,

I want to change my mind

'Cause this just don't feel right to me.

I wanna raise your spirits,

I want to see you smile, but

Know that means I'll have to leave."

"But what, Jay? All I ever hear from you are but's anymore. But's and apologies." She huffs out a breath. "I should've done this sooner, but it's official now."

"What? What's official?"

"You're already off the team, Jay." She finally turns to look at me, and her eyes are filled with resolve. "It's time to put some space between us."

"Know that means I'll have to leave.

Lately, I've been, I've been thinking,

I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier."

"Space?!" I ask. "But – but then, I can't make things up to you! And you plan on leaving in a month and a half, and – "

"Then you can make the month and a half I have left here that much better by giving me space, Jay. I'm tired of being hurt by you – tired of the lies. I'm tired of you throwing your best self away so you can chase after me. All I know is, before we dated, you were so happy, so sweet. You were so funny, Jay, and I haven't heard you crack a joke in forever! What's with that, huh? Oh, wait – I know. You got obsessed with me." She shakes her head. "And if being around me does that to you – if it makes you someone who is definitely not the real Jay Walker – then I wish we'd never been together."

Wish...wish...wish. I could wish for her not to put space between us! I still have two wishes left - she promised me I could have whatever three things I wished for from her before she ran away - and –

But then...maybe she doesn't need to be around a monster like me.

"When the evening falls

And I'm left here with my thoughts,

And the image of you being with someone else,

Well, that's eating me up inside.

But we run our course, we pretend that we're okay,

Now if we jump together at least we can swim

Far away from the wreck we made."

I swallow hard. "Nya, I – I – "

"I know this is hard for you, but I hate seeing you only a shell of yourself, Jay. I think you need to spend some time learning who you are without me. And I sincerely hope you can be as happy as you were back in February and before that." She sniffles. "I hope you dance, Jay. It's been a long time since you've done that."

"Then only for a minute,

I want to change my mind

'Cause this just don't feel right to me.

I wanna raise your spirits,

I want to see you smile but

Know that means I'll have to leave."

I feel a wave of self-loathing wash over me. "Nya, I really am so sorry. I – I've been a jerk. It was wrong of me to kiss you and play you and – "

"We're past the part where we know that's wrong, Jay. This should be the part where you figure out how to stop doing those things."

"You're entirely right," I reassure her. "And we probably do need space. It's just...I really can't stand the thought of losing you, Nya, so promise me we can – "

"I'm not promising anything, Walker. I personally like to keep my promises, so I don't swear anything I think I might not be able to fulfill."

"Know that means I'll have to leave.

Lately, I've been, I've been thinking,

I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier."

Nya walks off down the hall toward her bedroom. "Have a good night – or however long it is before we meet again."

"So I'll go, I'll go,

I will go, go, go.

So I'll go, I'll go,

I will go, go, go."

***Thoughts?

Next chapter will most likely come Saturday <3***