Anyone order Ben angst?

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*Ben's POV*
I was pacing around Bev's room, just waiting for her to come back from the ultrasound. She doesn't want me coming in for some reason, and it's making me more and more nervous.

Bev hasn't really been involving me in the pregnancy, which scares me a lot. Every time I bring up the baby, she gets this weird look on her face, and she tries to move to a different topic.

I'm getting really worried about it. What if something's wrong? Like the baby got hurt when Bev was taken, or maybe there's something genetically wrong. I don't want Bev to be afraid to tell me if something is going badly. I love her with my whole heart, and I don't want her to be taking any burdens alone.

After her nightmare the other day, she's been extra clingy to me, Ruby and Emily. The three of them seem to know something the rest of us don't. I know I shouldn't freak myself out too much, but I still find myself restless over Bev and our baby.

Add onto that the stress of the upcoming trial for Dan. And Bill and Stan's wedding. And Richie is having more neurological issues. And Stan is still really sick. And mine and Bev's wedding is coming up too.

Emily is starting to go full time for her job again tomorrow. She's been going half time, but since a lot of us are heading home soon, she's starting back up. I was confused at first, because I thought she still had school, but her classes ended in March, and it's already May.

Since she's going to be working at the jeweler's, I'm gonna head over there during her shift and we'll search for a ring for Bev. She deserves the best, and that's what she'll get.

Bill, Ruby and I have been working through all of this, but it's been a huge financial strain on all the Losers. Bev, Stan and Eddie don't have jobs. Mike, Richie, Emily and Annie are on leave, but they all have jobs.

I make a decent amount of money from my job as a Junior Architect, so I'm not worried about Bev getting a job. She needs to be healthy, and the baby needs to be safe.

Once Richie explained the situation he was in, the college he was working at let him on paid leave. Apparently, there was also some drama with the main professor, and they don't want Richie to sue. So he's getting special treatment over there, and him and Eddie don't have to worry about money.

Stan was fired for being gay over a year ago, but he still hasn't found a job yet. Bill hates his job, but at least it makes good money.

Annie, of course is a doctor outside of the island, and she'll probably head back there as soon as possible. The hospital she works at let her go on leave, and she has her job waiting for her.

And Ruby works... I actually don't know where Ruby works... We don't talk that much, but maybe Bev knows.

But yeah, everything SHOULD be ok, right? But it's not. Because we have jobs, and we have money, but we're in a hospital! Because some of the Losers were KIDNAPPED?! How did this become our lives...

Am I spiraling? I feel like I am. But I don't like talking about that, because I spiral a lot at night once Bev falls asleep. It's fine though, I'm fine. I just get worried.

Everything always goes wrong, you know? We make it out of Neibolt the first time- but the group splits up. We survive Pennywise- but we have our own demons waiting for us at home. We finally make it out of Derry- but now Dan's after us. Eddie and Richie are finally happy- but then Dan kidnaps everyone. Bev and I have a kid- but something's up and she's keeping it from me.

There's always a catch. Always. So I spiral, I spiral until I wear myself out and pass out. Then I wake up, go through my day, and spiral again.

It's a vicious cycle.

My secret cycle.