The time ticks forward, forever forwards. Never once moving back a single second.

Staring at a screen watching, knowing that every second staring is wasted.

Waiting, waiting for responses I'll never get. Waiting for words I rarely hear.

Away from the screen, I say my problems to the one who birthed me.

I tell her that I heard something that genuinely touched my heart, something I haven't heard in years.

She repeats it as though it was a joke.
As though the one thing that could ever truly make me feel okay in my moments of panic and pain and sadness,

Is a joke.

It's like all I am is an emotional mess that she raised.

All I am is another person on this planet whose fucked up because their parents decided that they didn't want to be together.
Who was raised by their grandparents and mother.
Whose father hasn't tried to truly be their for them until the past couple of years.
Whose mother was adopted into a dysfunctional family.
Who was taught by their mother that if you can't show emotion because you need to be there for their own mother.

When, when can they show that they too have emotion?

What happens when all of your emotions pour out at rapid speeds?

What happens when you fight with your mother almost every night for a week at a time?

What happens when you start to hate your father for being a ghost in your life?

What happens when you completely change from what your personality used to be?

I for almost five years straight of my own life, I can't even remember. Most of my life, I can only remember a handful of experiences.

My memories are blurred, and the only things that pop into my mind during those five years are,

What are you doing? Trying to dig up old memories I see. Not today my friend. You decided to forget that long ago, it was your own choice. Sometimes I think it's better that you did.