#WretchedChoicesWP

Chapter 17
Mask

Pool of tears suppressed inside my eyes when I smiled back at my grandmother. I couldn't get myself to come close as I was still chanting 'I won't cry' inside my head. I still needed to collect my emotions and put them in a jar. Hopefully, I'd be able to seal it properly this time.

I didn't want to cry in front of her. I knew it would affect her badly if she would see me crying. If only I could go out for a bit because looking at her smiling brought me another set of pain. Pakiramdam ko'y sa gitna ng kanyang magandang ngiti ay nahihirapan na siya. It was a smile of a person who already accepted his/her fate.

"Magandang hapon po."

Walang kahirap-hirap na naagaw ni Archer ang atensyon ni lola. Agad siyang nilingon nito. Noong una'y bakas sa mukha ni lola ang pagtataka ngunit kalaunan ay sumilay muli ang ngiti nito.

"Hijo! Nagbalik ka nga!" Punong-puno ng galak si lola at nakakagulat man, pero mukhang natandaan niya ang pangakong binitawan ni Archer noong nakaraang linggo.

Because of Archer's unexpected presence, my grandmother took her time talking to him. She even motioned Archer to come closer and so, he did. Ninakaw ko na ang sandaling iyon para tumalikod at pakawalan ang luhang nakaabang. Mabilis ko rin iyong pinunasan. I made sure that there weren't any trace of tears on my face. Saka lamang ako humarap muli nang makasigurado.

Lola was still enthusiastic while having a conversation with Archer who was doing his best to communicate and entertain her. I was kind of relieved because she was enjoying Archer's company.

Kita kong mabilis na nagnakaw ng sulyap sa akin si Archer habang kausaup si lola. He slowly tried to pull himself away and avoided dragging their conversation because it's my time now to bond with my grandmother.

Napaisip tuloy ako. Maybe he had a feeling that I was having a hard time to gather all my feelings inside a bottle so, he decided to keep my grandmother busy with his presence. Nang dahil doon ay nawala sa akin ang atensyon ni lola kahit papaano.

I hated admitting this to myself, but I was actually thankful that he'd buy me time until my feelings were all settled. Kung hindi niya ginawa 'yon ay baka bumigay na ako ng tuluyan.

"Kumain na po ba kayo, lola?" malambing kong tanong sa kanya matapos ang maikling kumustahan.

"Kumain na kami ng mommy mo kanina..." nakangiti niyang sagot. "Pero... gusto ko ng prutas."

Tumango ako at agad na tumayo para tumungo sa lamesa kung saan nakalagay ang isang basket ng iba't ibang klase ng prutas.

"Ano po ang gusto ninyo, la?"

"Gusto ko ng mansanas!" masigla niyang sagot. "Ikaw, hijo? Ano ang gusto mong prutas?"

I stopped halfway from slicing the apples and pouted when I heard her ask Archer. Kaysa tanungin ang apo niya ay inuna niya pa talaga si Archer.

"Mahilig po ako sa ubas."

I almost rolled my eyes. Gaya-gaya siya! Paborito ko rin ang ubas.

"Parehas pala kayo ng paboritong prutas ng apo ko!"

I've never seen her this energetic since she got admitted. It might be because of Archer's presence, but I still didn't know why she was so fond of Archer. Anyway, I didn't dwell on that thought too much. Napangiti na lang ako dahil natatandaan niya pa rin ang paborito kong prutas. Siguro'y iyon ang dahilan kung bakit si Archer lang ang kanyang tinanong kanina.

"Natutuwa talaga ako na bumisita ka ulit. Sana ay lagi mong samahan ang apo ko rito," pasimpleng paghiling ni lola.

I wanted to object with her idea right away, but I didn't want to dampen her mood and energy.

Hindi ko naman puwedeng sabihin na, "Lola, ayokong kasama ang lalaking 'yan." She would surely ask thousands of questions, and I would never make her understand my reasons. Also, she didn't know anything about my crazy boy adventures that would make her horrified. She thought I was still that shy, sweet and loving girl whom she took care of.

"Napapansin kong medyo masungit siya sa'yo, pero huwag kang mag-alala. Mahiyain lang talaga ang apo kong 'to..." Marahang humalakhak si lola. "Hindi man halata pero marunong siya ng gawaing bahay. Mabait din 'yan. Matalino at kita mo namang maganda rin!"

I frowned. She sounded like she was persuading Archer to like me.

Gustong-gusto ko na tuloy magtago dahil sa hiya na nararamdaman ko. Baka isipin ni Archer ay kinuntiyaba ko pa si lola para pilitin siyang magustuhan ako.

Duh! I'd never do that, especially now that I was feeling slightly vulnerable. It was slowly becoming a risky task for me.

Mabuti na lang at nang bumalik na si Mommy ay natigil na si lola sa pagbebenta sa akin. We stayed longer than the usual. I was surprised that Archer could keep up and communicate with my mother and grandmother, while I was already feeling sleepy because of boredom. Hindi naman kasi nila ako kinakausap. Puro si Archer lang ang binibigyan nila ng pansin.

"You two should go home now," Mommy told us when lola finally fell asleep after a tiring day for her. "Mag-aalas nuebe na."

Napakunot ang noo ko. "Paano ka, 'mmy?" tanong ko. "Hindi ka pa po ba uuwi?"

She just smiled and shook her head. "I'll stay here for tonight. Uuwi rin ako bukas bago magtanghali."

Muli akong naghinala dahil sa pagdedesisyon ni Mommy na manatili rito ng isang gabi. The last time she did it was when she was slightly alarmed with lola's condition. I couldn't help but to think that my gut was actually right.

"Ano po ba talaga ang nangyayari kay lola, Mommy?" subok kong pagpiga ng kasagutan mula sa kanya. "Why are you acting so bothered? Ano po ba ang sinabi ng doktor?"

"Just like what I told you earlier. Kailangan lang dagdagan ang dosage ng—"

"I don't believe it, Mom," I cut her off. "Hindi ako naniniwala. Kung totoo man, there must be a reason why there's a need to add an additional dosage of her meds. Please, tell me, Mom. Nag-aalala rin po ako para kay lola."

My mother remained firm. "That's all I have to say, Keia. Now, please, just go home." She turned to Archer. "Please make sure that she's home safe, Archer."

"No problem, Tita."

"I'm not going home tonight. I'm staying, too," I abruptly decided. "You can go home by yourself, Archer. I'll stay here."

Nawala na ang pagiging kalmado ni Mommy. It's been a while since she'd been this strict.

"No, Keia. You'll go home and that's an order."

"Pero, 'mmy—"

"Kahit ngayon lang. Please naman, sundin mo ako," mariin niyang sabi. "Pinaglagpas ko ang mga kalokohan mo at hinayaan kita sa mga gusto mong gawin. Be a good daughter for once and don't make this any harder for me."

I bit my lower lip to keep the tears from flowing. It felt so frustrating that I wouldn't be able to do what I want, but I knew the right thing to do was to obey her. Kapag ganito si Mommy ay hindi maganda ang kalabanin siya. Ayoko na ring mas galitin pa siya.

Isang malalim na paghinga ang aking pinakawalan bago hinablot ang bag na nasa sofa. Sinukbit ko ito at walang salitang nagmartsa papalabas ng silid. Dire-diretso lamang ang lakad ko. Dama kong nakasunod sa akin si Archer hanggang sa makarating kami ng parking lot.

Buong biyahe ay tahimik lamang ako. My thoughts kept on drifting about my lola's possible condition. If my mother chose to shut up about it instead of telling me, I guess it was worse than I expected. Mas lalo lamang akong nakaramdam ng takot nang dahil sa naiisip.

"Keia..."

Archer's warm hands pulled me back into reality when he touched my arm. It was so gentle like he was scared of hurting me if he put force.

"Nandito na tayo sa inyo."

Tumango-tango ako bago inilayo sa kanya ang aking braso. Inayos ko ang aking bag at tinanggal ang seat belt.

"But can you stay here inside for a while?"

His sudden request made me turn to him once again. The way his eyes stared into mine like he was trying to understand me stirred up my heart so bad.

"You're not fine..." he slightly hesitated.

I shook my head. "I'm fine."

"I'm not asking if you're fine, I'm saying you're not."

So, that's why he was looking at me like that... He was pitying me because he knew what could happen sooner or later.

"I don't need your pity. I'm fine," I firmly said and put my hand on the door's handle in order to get out.

I was about to pull the handle, but the sound of the locks clicked. Iritado kong nilingon si Archer. Bubugahan ko na sana siya ng apoy nang makita kong mas galit siya. I was surprised because just a few seconds ago, he was looking at me with pity and sympathy. It's completely the opposite of this dangerous expression he was wearing.

"When will you stop wearing that façade, Keia?" he asked and clenched his jaw once. "When will you fucking drop your pride and allow yourself to lean on someone if you're hurting?"

Still feeling the lingering irritation inside me, I snapped back at him. "Don't act like you know me so well, Archer. You don't know anything, and for the last time, I'm fine."

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the moment you told me your reasons, I realized that you didn't really changed. You're just wearing a mask," he said without hesitation. "Behind that awful mask, the Keiandra whom I've known before is still there."

Mas lalong umurong ang dila ko nang dahil sa mga napagtanto niya. Pakiramdam ko ngayon ay wala akong karapatang sumagot pabalik sa kanya lalo na't nahuli na niya ako. All I could do now is to let him finish whatever he has to say.

"You're afraid that your weakness would be used against you. You don't want to let your guard down because you're scared you might get hurt again, but Keia, not everyone will try to take advantage of your weakness and hurt you." He sounded like he was begging me to understand him for my own sake. "You don't have to live with constant fear of being hurt."

Every word he said touched the scar of my wound from the past. With just that, he made me forget all my fears; he made me breathe.

"Hindi mo kailangang sarilihin lahat ng nararamdaman mo. Mayroong mga taong handang makinig sa'yo," pagpapatuloy niya at damang-dama ko ang kanyang prustrasyon. "If you couldn't tell your family about it, you have your best friend with you, and I'm just also here whenever you need someone. So, please, set yourself free for a moment."

Slowly, I could feel myself removing my mask as tears began to flow. Maybe it's okay to show him my weakness. If it's him, it'll be okay. Just for tonight, I'll set myself free from this pain and be vulnerable. I'll face my fears now and come back even stronger.

Without a word, I rested my forehead on his chest while I cried my heart out. I felt him stiffened, but he immediately relaxed as his hand supported my back.

"Natatakot ako, Archer..." mahina kong sabi sa gitna ng paghikbi. "I don't want to lose her yet. Iniisip ko pa lang na mawawala siya, hindi ko na kaagad kinakaya. The time I spent with her still wasn't enough. It will never be enough."

The pain was indescribable. It couldn't even come close to the pain I've felt before. It was in a different level — a fatal one. The kind of pain that would take you years to recover or worst, you might have to live the rest of your life carrying that pain.

"Ang totoo niyan ay hindi ko alam kung gusto ko ba talaga malaman ang totoong kalagayan ni lola," pag-amin ko. "A part of me wanted to know so that I would know what to expect, pero natatakot din akong malaman ang totoo. I honestly don't know what to feel anymore. Hindi ko na talaga alam, Archer..."

He inhaled deeply and pulled me even closer to tighten his embrace. His hand gently caressed my back.

Without saying any word, he comforted me, and I didn't know why it was the best comfort I've ever received. He just quietly listened to my worries, and it was more than fine for me.

Out of all the choices I've made, showing him my weakness is one thing I'd never regret.