I have Jord's text from that afternoon with the location of Patrick's house, where they're throwing the party.

Even though it's outside my neighborhood, close to Washington Town, biking there wouldn't take me more than fifteen minutes.

I make multiple turns biking around the neighborhood. To pass time until it's late enough for me not to arrive there too early.

If I am honest with myself, I can't wait to get there, but it's out of the question to let people from school know that by showing up too early. You never want show that you're too excited. I have to get there eventually though.

I bike to the location. At my arrival, I check the time: 10:12 pm. The house seems huge, almost the size of a villa, with big trees all around. The music being played reaches my ears faintly.

I find a spot to fasten my bike and begin walking towards the house.

Looking from the exterior, the place already seems packed with students. And I hear the chattering despite the rap music playing.

There's a senior at the entry gate whose name I can't remember. He's tall. Judging by the way he folds his arms against his chest and looks at me with a frown, it is clear that he's trying to look menacing.

When I go past him, I exhale internally. I was almost sure he would keep me from entering, like they do in the entries of discos and night clubs. I keep walking.

The kitchen door is open. There are a couple of sophomores and a junior that I recognize next to the sink. There's a girl with her hands wrapped around a senior's neck. His hands are placed on her butt. You can tell she's already tipsy. Yikes.

The way to the living room is past a plastic, green curtain. I clear my throat and step in, moving the curtain aside.

I guess they were going to play rap music all night. That's a shame, considering that I spent so much time mentally rehearsing my K-pop moves.

I keep moving slowly but have to halt when I spot Mara through the transparent glass door giving to the garden. Seeing her feels like a stab to my heart. I thought she wasn't planing to come.

She has a bottle on her hand and she's smiling. She's. . .joyous, like she hasn't been ignoring my texts and phone calls for the past days.

When does someone you know change so much that you're not able to recognize them anymore? I always thought that only happens over time. Years, decades. Still, here I am, unable to understand what is happening to us.

I can't be wrong about our four years of friendship. I mean, we've said several times that we were best friends. We are best friends.

Is our friendship too fragile to survive my confusions and whatever is going on with her? If only she could tell me.

"You didn't come to the game." I hear the familiar voice behind me and turn to see Rafael. He has two strawberry beers with him. I didn't know he drank.

"Yeah. I was grounded."

"Still you're here?" He offers me one bottle with a tight smile.

"Don't ask," I say, half sighing, "and I don't drink, thanks."

Resting one of the bottles on the table beside him, he scans his finger on the green glass of the small bottle, then he brings it to my sight.

"Zero percent alcohol. It's just like sparkling strawberry juice."

"Then why call it a beer?" I say and he just shrugs, still offering me the bottle. I accept it. I peek a glance at Mara and the group of seniors. Then, I swallow a sip, pretending there's alcohol in the sparkling strawberry juice.

"Ready for your man-to-man talk with Jord?" Rafael hides his smirk behind his bottle as he sips on his beer.

"I was feeling ready an hour ago. I'm not so sure anymore," I say.

He nods in a dismissive way then sips on his beer again. "Have you eaten something since your arrival?"

When I shake my head, Rafael continues, "Maybe that's what you need to get a little boost. Stay here. I'll get something in the kitchen."

Rafael seems a little bit nervous for some reason. I couldn't blame the drinking, since the beers have no alcohol in them. He just seems antsy, maybe just as nervous as I am. Maybe it's just because his friends from the club aren't here. That'll explain why he's talking to me.

Patrick, who's often around Jord in school, is still wearing his basketball uniform. He pulls the glass door with a smile. It takes some time for me to realize that he's aiming that smile at me.

"Hey, Jason," he greets me. Only Lia and my teachers call me Jason. "You should have come to the game to see us fuck those guys from Le Maître."

"Congrats." My reply come off a bit unenthusiastic, judging by the way his smile is taming now.

"Listen." He glances behind him and to the sides, like he's going to tell me a secret. Then, he says in a soft and low voice, "You know my man Jord? He likes you. He's outside. He wants to have some alone time with you, but he's very discreet, you know what I mean?"

I take a deep breath and he laughs lightly, sending a gush of alcohol my way as he exhales.

"Don't worry, it's okay, Jason. He will meet you upstairs, in my room. It's the second door on your left." His blue eyes seem to be looking into my soul. "Okay?"

I nod, unsure.

"Go then," he says, grinning.

I nod again and turn to the stairs. Second door on my left, I mutter.

My heart is pumping in every pore of my body as I go up these stairs. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Maybe I should have inspected the 'Zero percent alcohol' on the bottle instead of just trusting Rafael. When I'm inside the room it's even worse and I have to sit down and take deep breaths repeatedly, so I don't start to panic.

Jord likes me, the thought makes me smile. There was the poem and then this right here. What else do I need for me to finally be convinced of the truth?

I wait for at least ten minutes then Jord finally enters that door, and I realize I have been tapping my foot on the floor.

I can't believe what's happening. He pushes the door behind him very gently and looks at me with a big smile. "Hi, Jay."

He's nearing me and I feel like my shoelaces have created roots on the ground that are keeping me from moving. Is he really doing this? Are we really doing this?

He walks up to me. His hand is resting on my shoulder now, caressing it with gentle strokes. But I can't look away from that smile. His fingers caress my neck, then he kisses me gently. I think I'm going to faint.

He kisses me again and I have no idea what I'm doing.

How to move my lips?

Is it the right time to use my tongue?

His tongue is already brushing my lips. Where is the fire, the tingles, why doesn't it feel like I have been imagining it since the beginning of the school year? Is this how a first kiss is supposed to feel like?

It's only when his hands are wrapped around my waist that I begin feeling something. It's still nothing like the tingles I expected, but I'm enjoying having his body so close to mine. He doesn't complain, so maybe I've finally figured out how to kiss.

All the fear returns to me again when he pushes me down on the bed. Seeing him taking his shirt off is strangely terrifying. My breath is speeding, and I feel like I can't form any coherent sentence as I lay here. He is smiling, now caressing my stomach.

"You're alright there, buddy?" he asks.

I'm nodding but my body constricts at every bob of head. I want this, but even admitting this to myself just feels wrong.

"It's okay," he says in a soft voice. "I have wanted this for long time. You want to do this?"

I didn't expect for us to go this far so suddenly. What am I supposed to do? Wait, which of us is being. . .? I don't even know my position yet.

"Yes," I say, and he begins caressing me again. "Wait." I slide my hand inside my pocket until my fingers brush the small plastic bag inside it.

So, this is the reason why Cindy gave me these condoms. If he somehow knew this would happen why didn't he give me set of instruction on how to do this?

The condom is in my hand, but I'm having trouble taking my hand out of my pocket. Jord seems amused.

"What's going on?" he asks. He watches me struggle with my hand inside my pocket, his facial expression denouncing more and more impatience.

I can't take my hand out of my pocket. "It's stuck." The more I try to pull it out, the more my hand seems to get sucked inside of it.

"You're shitting me, right?" he says impatiently. "You've acted like you wanted to do this, and now this is all you can come up with as an excuse?"

My racing heart. I'm not supposed to be this confused. And my pocket trying to eat my hand — one more surprise of Cindy's spells. I should have known it was too good to be true. All his spells couldn't just work well this time.

Everything feels so overwhelming that I don't even seem to have control of my thoughts, this rage stuck in my throat. And the words come out, "Shut up. And get off me, you asshole."

I feel Jord's body tense. See the shock on his face. My regret catches up with me instantly.