Chapter 42

"Hoy, putang ina! 'Yong centrifuge nagiging sirang washing machine na!"

My blockmates who were near the centrifuge flocked the area while I sustained my immobiled body on my chair. Habang nagpa-panic ang iba at nagsisisihan kung sino ang nagkamali sa pag-ayos nito kaya tumunog nang ganoon, nakanganga lang ako at nakatingin sa kawalan.

"Huy, gago, nasira ba? Lagot kayo!"

I glanced in their direction while I was yawning. My body jumped a little when Chisa swatted my arm.

"Ano? Wala akong kinalaman diyan. Nananahimik ako rito, e..." depensa ko agad sa sarili.

"Ay, wala naman akong sinasabi, ah? Itatanong ko lang sana kung saan tayo kukuha ng semen para sa lab bukas sa AUBF. Bwisit kasi. Bakit sa ibang section, binigyan sila ng sample? Tayo maghahanap pa?" reklamo niya.

"Nandiyan naman si Kyro. Hingi tayo?" tukoy ko sa nag-iisang lalaking kaklase namin.

Lumingon ulit ako sa mga kaklase abala sa tinitingnang centrifuge.

Sumimangot siya. "He's in another group. And you think kaya niyang bigyan lahat ng kaklase natin? Buti kung may katulong siya. Nakakangawit din mag-jabol lalo na kung mag-isa," mahinang sambit niya. "Puwede ko sanang tulungan jowa ko kaso may pasok naman siya sa trabaho. Saka 'di pa nag-abstain 'yon, e..."

My brows met. "Well, we can ask for a semen donation from the boys in the other section. I'm sure there are some willing male students. Donors don't have to reveal themselves. And we'll keep everything confidential if ever we know them..."

I winced at the thought of semen donation from male students. How do we do that if that's the case, though? I could ask my brother or cousin to donate only if they can give it to us within one hour prior to testing. Abstinence should also be observed for at least two to five days.

Nevertheless, I tried my luck, just in case.

"You need my what, Skyricharm?" my brother harsh voice resounded in the four corners of our dining area during our dinner.

Maaga ang uwian namin kaya magkakasabay kaming kumain ngayon. It was one of my mother's sources of delight, the reason why Kuya Rain and Papa were also doing their best to bring themselves home before dinner time. Ate Harley recently accepted a job offer on a cruise ship with Ate Izzy, so she will not be home for the next few months.

While my brother was both confused and flabbergasted, Papa reached for the glass of water after he choked on his last spoon upon hearing my request. Hinaplos ni Mama ang braso ni Papa ngunit ang nagtatakang mga mata ay nakatuon sa akin.

I pouted when I realized the inconvenience and awkwardness I put them into. Pero patapos na rin kasi kumain kaya doon ko na binuksan ang topic. And everyone in this family is open-minded and understanding. I could naked my thoughts with them every time, and I never received hostile judgment. They correct me when I'm wrong but never lambasted me.

Nagulat lang siguro sila ngayon tulad ng minsan namang mangyari.

"Sorry po," I said. "Baka kasi makalimutan ko kung mamaya ko pa sasabihin..."

"It's okay, Riri," si Mama at ngumiti nang tipid. "You need it for your lab activity, right? Rain..." Tumingin siya ngayon sa kapatid ko.

"Ma, may pasok ako bukas. She said I need it within one hour prior to testing? I will not be able to make it." Tumiim ang bagang ng kapatid ko.

"Okay lang, Kuya. Maghahanap ng lang po kami ng donor sa kabilang section." I jutted out my lips, then sighed defeatedly and over dramatically.

His face was a little bit flushed. Ngumuso si Mama at bagsak ang balikat na nakatingin kay Kuya tulad ko. Tumikhim si Papa at humilig sa upuan habang nakatingin sa akin. Ngayon ay tapos nang kumain ang lahat.

"Save her bacon, Trevant. It's not that hard to—"

"Ejaculate?" Mama prompted with a raising brow.

Papa sniggered shortly, but shook his head. Si Kuya na mukhang na-offend ang itsura ay ginulo ang kulay light pink niyang buhok. Seriously, I still don't know why he's coloring his hair frequently and why it remains healthy. Naaalala ko tuloy 'yong isang member ng favorite Kpop boy group ni Ate Asia na minsan niya nang naipakita sa akin.

"Ayaw ko nga. Tss. Kung gusto mo, kay Wilder ka magpatulong."

"Bakit kay Wilder pa kung puwede namang sa 'yo?" There was a ghost of smirk dancing across my father's face.

My brother's face looked like he was constipated. "Busy nga ako bukas—"

"Nakakalimutan mo yatang sa kumpanya ko ikaw nagtatrabaho sa ngayon. Walang problema sa akin kung mawala ka ng isang oras para... alam mo na," ani Papa sa pilyong tono.

"'Di... okay lang po, Papa. Kami na lang ng grupo ko ang bahala maghanap," sabi ko para hindi na magpatuloy ang maliit na alitan nila.

But of course, the pitiful tone and face I projected as I said those didn't vanish. That could be the reason why he was now glowering at me, as though he was ready to stab my eyes with the fork from his plate.

Mama turned to me with sympathetic expression. "Cupcake, I guess you have no choice but to do that. Iisa lang ba talaga ang lalaki sa klase ninyo?"

Tumango ako. "Si Kyro lang po. Pero may iba naman pong lalaki sa kabilang section. Magpapaskil na lang po siguro kami sa labas kung sino ang may mabuting loob na mag-donate. Ganoon din naman po yata ang gagawin ng iba." Ngumiti ako.

Papa was still smirking like he was finding this conversation entertaining.

"That only guy in your class must be a hero to your other blockmates," he commented lackadaisically. "Good luck finding a semen donor, my princess."

Hindi na ako umasa kay Kuya. Hindi na ako naubusan ng gagawin para sa mga subject namin pero gumagawa ako ng paraan para hindi naman mapabayaan din ang mga anak kong aso at pusa. Kahit pa laging ginugulo nina Donut at Tart ang mga gamit ko.

Cookie and Eclair are either in the master's bedroom or Kuya's room. I only have one cat—the very makulit one, and Kuya doesn't like her. She doesn't like him either, so she stays with me.

Mama, as usual, if she's not yet asleep and I'm home, went to my room with midnight snacks for me and sometimes for the other three living things lounging in my room rent-free. I kissed her cheek and whispered my gratitude and good night.

"I love you, honeybunch," she said sweetly.

I sported a toothy grin. "I love you, Mama."

The next day, Rafa proudly presented a coupon bond with a printed announcement seeking a sperm donor. Nakalagay rin doon ang name at phone number of contact person, lab room, at ang oras kung kailan kailangan.

Tinuro ko ang contact person na nakalagay. "Bakit pangalan ko?"

"Siyempre, your name is our group's bait!"

"Huh?"

"Asus!" Tinulak nang pabiro ni Nadia ang balikat ko. "Dami kaya may gusto sa 'yo from other year and section. Hindi ka ba aware doon? Oh, yes, of course! You're still waiting for someone we aren't sure if existing, aren't you?"

My lips were drawn together in a straight line upon hearing that. The topic that is included in the list of 'I don't want to talk about in the present.' Hinayaan ko na lang sila sa gusto nilang gawin.

We have two vacant hours before our AUBF subject, and my original plan like the usual (if we have no expecting exam) is to utilize the time in sleeping. Ganoon din ang ginawa ng iba kong mga ka-block. Nagising lang ako nang bumalahaw ang tunog ng isang telepono kasabay ng panginginig nito sa mesang tinutulugan ko.

Oh, it was my phone. Sinagot ko ang tawag ni Kuya Rain habang kinukusot ang mata.

"He—"

"Bakit ang tagal mong sumagot?" he cut me off at once.

"Huh?" Ngumiwi ako. "I was taking a nap, Kuya. It's our long and only vacant time today..."

Isang hingang malalim ang ginawa niya. I checked the time on the screen. We still have forty-five minutes before this week's clinical microscopy rotation starts. My fingers combed my nest-like hair, freely falling on my lap while I was still sitting on a stool chair.

"Have you found a donor for your lab activity today?"

I scratched the side of my neck as I hunted for any of my groupmates for this activity. I asked Kuya to wait a bit as I marched toward Chisa at the other table. I nudged her arm to wake her up and then asked her for an update on our search operation.

She moaned. "I don't know. Wala pa yata."

Iyon ang sinagot ko kay Kuya bago hinayaan ang kaibigan na bumalik sa pag-idlip.

"Alright. I'm outside your building. Bring a sterile container," utos niya.

It snapped me back to my complete consciousness. Ngumisi agad ako nang natanto ang gusto niyang mangyari. Pinatay ko ang tawag pagkatapos magpaalam bago kumuha ng sterile container. Kinuha ko na rin ang hygiene kit ko sa bag bago lumabas.

I found him wearing black slacks and maroon button-down long sleeves. I flashed a smile but his unlit face remained. Tumingin siya sa paligid habang nakalahad ang gamit ko sa gitna namin. His large hand raked his waxed hair.

"Kuya, make sure to wash your hands first and—"

He hastily grabbed my pouch. "I know what to do. I've done this before."

Nagtaas ako ng kilay. His eyes sharpened at me before flicking my forehead. I scowled at him and rubbed the part of my assaulted skin.

"You can use the common restroom in our building, Kuya," sabi ko at tinuro ang building namin. "Nandiyan lang naman po sa baba."

"Hintayin mo ako rito!" nakaigting ang pangang utos niya ulit. "Huwag kang lalapit. Hindi ko kakailanganin ng tulong mo rito."

I bobbed my head while pouting. Ang sungit! Panay ang tingin niya sa paligid habang naglalakad patungo sa building namin habang ako ay natatawa. Sumandal ako sa puno na sinisilungan at nilabas ang phone. Nag-chat ako sa GC naming apat na may nakuha na akong donation at wala nang problema.

I checked my business account on IG and some emails. I replied to some inquiries my business partner hadn't responded to yet.

"Hi!"

My eyes went up from my phone to the person who approached me with a bright smile. He's wearing our uniform for male students. I drew my feet together and lowered my hand to my side.

"Hello," I greeted back with a small smile.

"Nakita ko 'yong nakapaskil na papel sa building natin na kailangan ninyo ng donor para sa semen analysis. Hinanap talaga kita para ibigay nang personal 'to. Huwag mo na lang sabihing sa akin galing, ah?" Humalakhak siya.

My lips separated when he handed me a sterile container. Hindi ko alam kung kukunin ko ba iyon o ano. I glanced at our building over his shoulder then back to his face, and then down to his hand gripping the small container containing his semen.

I honestly didn't expect someone to bring himself to me with his collected semen. I mean... I thought somehow they'd be embarrassed, though I know it's not new to some who have done this activity.

"U-uh..." I hesitantly took the container in his hand. "T-thanks. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that this is yours."

I tried so hard not to grimace. I didn't even know his name. Siguro naman ay marunong siyang mag-sanitize, 'no? Kaya sige, hayaan na nga. Kung may iba pang may kailangan nito, ibibigay ko na lang siguro sa iba.

Nagtagal ang titig ng lalaki sa akin. "By the way, I'm James..."

Muntik na akong maubo pero binawi ko na lang sa ngiti. Hindi ko alam kung mas okay bang hindi ko na lang nalaman ang pangalan niya kaysa nagpakilala siya. Anyway, just because he introduced himself to me doesn't mean he's giving me consent to tell who's the donor of this body fluid. Like what he wanted a few moments ago, he wanted to be kept unknown.

Ngumisi siya. "I know, hindi mo ako kilala. Bakit ka pala nandito? May hinihintay ka?"

I opened my mouth to answer when my brother's raspy voice blared behind James. Tapos na siya? Ang bilis lang pala?

"Who the fuck are you?" He was never nice to anyone, wasn't he?

I jerked from where I was standing as I went to him. Bukas ang dalawang butones ng damit niya. The authority in his question washed off the smirk on James' face in an instant. The latter even raised his hand to back off.

"Chill, bro. I was just asking her why she's here alone."

"Kuya—"

"Huwag mo akong matawag-tawag na bro. Only son ako," Kuya grated on. "At hindi dahil nakita mong mag-isa ang babae rito, lalapitan mo na."

"Kuya—"

My hand wrapped around his forearm, and I felt it tensed beneath my palm. Bumaba roon ang tingin niya at biglang kinuha ang hawak ko sa kabilang kamay. To my surprise, he threw it off toward James' chest.

"Give your fucking sperm to anyone else who needs it. Hindi 'yan kailangan ng kapatid ko," singhal ni Kuya bago pa man makapagsalita ang kausap.

I was about to apologize to James when Kuya grabbed my wrist and tugged me away from there. Tiningala ko siya at natanaw ang leeg at noo niyang kumikinang sa kaunting pawis.

"Kuya, you were so rude! Magdo-donate lang—"

"Donate? You don't need his damn sperm!" he hissed at me after letting my wrist go.

Padabog niyang binalik sa akin ang pouch ko. I opened it and saw the sterile container.

"Eh, hindi niya naman alam na mayroon na. Kasi nga po, 'di ba? Ayaw mo naman kagabi kaya nagpaskil si Rafa ng papel sa building na naghahanap kami ng donor."

Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko. "Maghugas ka ng kamay mo. Mamaya hindi pa naghugas ang lalaking 'yon!"

Umismid ako. Tumalim ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Bakit, Kuya, naghugas ka ba... Hinawakan mo rin ako. Ew..." tuya ko dahil naaasar sa tinrato niya sa gusto lang naman tumulong.

His mouth went ajar with palpable disbelief in his orbs. Before he could kick me like a horsie, I bounced back with a complacent smile, causing his cheeks and ears to blush.

"Bye, Kuya. Don't worry, I'll take care of your children! My nephews and nieces!" I announced a bit louder, giving him a thumbs up. "You're such a hero, brother."

My chuckles erupted from my lips when I heard his suppressed shout to my name. Lagot ako mamaya sa kaniya! Pero mamaya pa naman 'yon kaya mamaya ko na lang din poproblemahin.

Our lab activity was done successfully. Courtesy of my brother's efforts and my poor pamangkins. I must assure him that we worked with his pre-children professionally, and now they were all dead.

Nang makarating sa bahay, si Papa agad ang una kong nakita. Yumuko siya para makahalik ako sa kaniyang pisngi.

"Kumusta ang mga apo ko?" ang bungad niya habang nakangisi.

Oh, he knew!

I feigned a grieving face. "They're gone now, Papa. Do you think Kuya Rain will get mad at me?" I puckered my lips and slowly batted my eyelashes.

"Oh, yeah?" He chuckled, rubbing my head like his belly. "Don't worry, he can still make babies with... Hollie, perhaps?" he said suggestively.

My eyes lit in thrill and excitement. "Are they finally dating?"

Hollie is one of the licensed chemists working at Ate Asia and Ate Eden's company. She's a gorgeous Igorot. She's a year younger than me. I've seen and interacted with her multiple times. Ilang beses na rin siyang nakapunta rito sa bahay kaya kilala na ng mga magulang namin ni Kuya.

But my cold brother said she wasn't his girlfriend and that he didn't even want one. Pero ilang beses ko nang nahuli na magkasama sila sa kuwarto niya rito kapag wala sina Mama.

"I don't know, princess," my father responded. "Go see your mother in the kitchen now before you go upstairs..."

Should I ask Kuya again about his relationship with Hollie? Gusto ko na magkaroon ng pamangkin! Ate broke up with her boyfriend years ago, and currently, she's dating Ate Roya, her ex-girlfriend when they were in highschool. Ate Roya is a member of Philippine Navy now. Having a kid is not in their plan yet, according to Ate Harley.

Everyone closest to me (except my lone wolf twin) already has a partner. Kuya Wai already had a girlfriend. The Ferguson brothers were both engaged. Kuya Raghnall was the first one to get married last year.

Well... I just felt sad for Eris. She was still grieving her girlfriend's death a few months ago.

Including my lovely parents, these people used to hang out with me during their free time, spoiled me with presents, and made me feel worthy and loved. I understand now that we can't meet as frequently as before because they have their own life with the people they love, but sometimes I can't help but feel lonely.

No. I was... kind of insecure... about their relationships. I also wanted that someone who would take care of and love me. Something that isn't filial and platonic. Something... romantic. But I guess I'm not having that person anytime soon.

I grabbed my 20th journal and a ballpen with minion head after flumping into my swivel chair. I flipped through the written pages until I got to the blank leaf next to the entry I wrote last night.

I started writing my everyday journey entries when I was in therapy after being clinically diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. It was one of my first assignments from my therapist. It was supposed to be only within two weeks, but I continued it until today. Though, my therapy sessions were put on hold when I had to undergo chemotherapy and surgery for my gastric cancer.

Needless to say that I survived. With my family and friends around, I did. I was expected to graduate this academic year if I didn't stop for my surgery and treatment. But it's okay. In education, there's no early to start nor late to finish. I was lucky and privileged enough to go to college, and I didn't want to put everything to waste.

Huh. And during those days, I didn't need him. I didn't want to need him on my side because I didn't want to find myself disappointed by the fact that he would never appear. Kaya kung maiinggit ako sa ibang relasyon, ayaw ko nang siya ang unang naiisip.

Nag-message message pa ulit pagkatapos ng ilang taong pagkawala, tapos biglang mawawala ulit. Huh. Sino ba siya sa tingin niya? Sa susunod na mag-chat ulit siya, sisiguruhin kong hindi ko na ise-seen ulit.

Naglalambing na ang mga anak ko nang patapos na ako kaya inasikaso ko na sila. I giggled when Tart stuffed herself on my neck while I was lying on the bed, purring and licking her paws and my face. I laughed when Onyx jumped onto the bed and played with Donut who was tangled in my legs, creating an earthquake that only the four of us experienced.

"Ginugulo n'yo na naman ang kama ko, ha," sabi ko sa kanila kahit pa buong kuwarto ko ay makalat na dahil din sa kanila.

My life was loaded with school stuff and our business that I often felt guilty I couldn't spend more time with them. Siguro nagrereklamo na sila minsan sa isip at ganti nila ang pagkakalat dahil hindi naman nakakapagsalita.

I left my phone on the side table so when it rang, I was able to reach for it to see who was calling. A huge smile plastered on my screen when I saw who was requesting for video call.

My thumb slid across the accept button. Her bright, alive face in spite of her aerie hair with their gray bed's headboard as her background was the first thing I saw, presuming she just woke up and called me straight.

I cleared my throat when the camera moved a little and I caught a glimpse of the large hand on her chest. Inayos niya sa balikat ang strap ng suot na pantulog na nahulog sa kaniyang braso.

"Good morning from Switzerland, Ate Tala!" she greeted with full enthusiasm. "I miss you..." malambing niyang dagdag na nagpainit ng puso ko.