I cannot even begin to describe the horror I feel as I go flying through the air. I do not care about the pain of wood, stone and glass ripping through my skin. All I can think is Fred - because in that split second before I was tossed unceremoniously into the air, his eyes had met mine just as a boulder smashed into the back of his head.

I land heavily to the ground, a body landing on top of me. It takes me a moment to realise that the body belongs to Draco, who is still gripping me tight.

"Harri-" he rasps, throwing the debris off us as he scrambles to his feet, pulling me up with him, "-are you okay?"

I'm not okay. I'll never be okay again.

He brushes me down and frantically checks me over, his eyes searching over my body. "Harri- speak to me!"

But instead, I look around, trying to find Fred. However, I have lost my glasses and I cannot see anything but blurry shapes around me.

"My glasses-" I sob, "I can't see without them."

But that no longer matters anymore. Because my insides quite suddenly turn to liquid as the screams begin.

"No - no - no!" Someone is shouting. "No! Fred! No!

I angrily push Draco off me as he tries to pull me into a hug. He is getting on my nerves and I need to be with Fred. I need to make sure he's getting treatment for his head, because surely it must be hurting him so much, and he doesn't want to get concussion.

I trip and stumble towards the three red-headed men grouped on the ground where the wall had blasted apart. I do not like the sound coming from Percy's mouth - it's almost inhuman, like a howl.

It'll be fine though. Silly Fred. He likes to wind up his brothers. Especially Percy.

I almost laugh with relief because of course that is what Fred is doing. He's a big joker, but I'll make sure to tell him off about this - he's scared me unnecessarily and he must not do it again.

Finally reaching the group, I fall to my knees, trying not to look directly at the state of the back of Fred's head.

Wake up, silly. This game is not funny anymore.

I grab his hand and almost gasp at how lifeless it feels.

Squeeze back, squeeze back.

"Fred-" I sob, lifting it to my mouth, desperately pressing my lips against his cold skin. "Wake up, Fred. Please."

But he doesn't move.

A hand on my back. "We need to move him. We need to get out of here."

I shrug Draco off.

"Harri!" Draco says more forcefully, trying to pull me away from Fred. "It's too late - he's gone. We need to move!"

I let go of Fred's hand and stand up, turning slowly and angrily to face Draco. "FUCK OFF!" I scream in his face, letting all my anger out, mad at him for preventing me from going to Fred when I had the chance. "FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!"

Draco blanches, hurt rippling across his face. "Harri-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY!" Tears blur my vision. I am numb. I cannot comprehend what the hell is happening. All I know is that I don't want Draco near me, I don't want anyone touching me except for Fred.

But Fred is being dragged away, and Hermione is now throwing her arms around me, sobbing against me. "I'm sorry," she sobs. "I'm sorry, but he's dead."

Fred isn't dead. Fred isn't dead. No one here are doctors, and until I hear it from someone who knows their shit, I refuse to believe that Fred is indeed dead.

Fred isn't dead.

*****

This mantra stays with me when I go to find Nagini, my glasses back on my face, fixed and clean. Yet I do not remember how they got there.

Fred isn't dead.

The mantra stays with me when I watch as Voldemort orders Nagini to kill Snape.

Snape drops dead and, under his dying order, I gather his glistening blue tears.

Fred isn't dead.

I hover at the entrance to the Great Hall as everyone mourns the dead. My eyes rake over all but one. I refuse to look at him.

Fred isn't dead.

Lupin is. Tonks is. Even Colin Creevey is.

But Fred isn't dead.

I march up to Dumbledore's office and find out that Snape had been in love with my mother. I also find out that - hah - I'm a Horcrux myself! Well, what better way to end this war?

I walk through the hallways, a sort of peace descending upon me as I realise I am walking to my death.

"Harri?"

It's Neville.

"Bloody hell, Harri, are you alright?"

"Yeah," I say numbly. "I think so. Look, you don't happen to mind killing You-Know-Who's snake do you?"

"Sure thing, Harri," Neville salutes, and I give him a brief nod, knowing I cannot smile.

And I walk out into the forest.

Fred isn't dead.

It's a shame that I'm about to find out otherwise.

*****

"Go on then." I snarl at Voldemort, no longer feeling any fear as I face him in the forest. "Do it."

I don't even flinch when he raises his wand and shoots a green jet of light at me.

*****

I lie face down, listening to the silence. I am perfectly alone. Nobody is watching. Nobody else is here. I am not perfectly sure that I am here myself.

A long time later, or maybe no time at all, it comes to me that I must exist, must be more than disembodied thought, because I am lying, definitely lying, on some surface. Therefore, I have a sense of touch, and the thing against which I lie exists too.

I sit up. My body appears unscathed - despite the Killing Curse that Voldemort had hit me with. I touch my face. I am not wearing glasses anymore yet I can see with perfect sight.

And then I see something which makes me recoil in disgust - a small, naked child, curled on the ground, it's skin raw and rough, flayed- looking, and it lies shuddering under a seat where it has been left, unwanted, stuffed out of sight, struggling for breath.

I am afraid of it. Small and fragile and wounded though it is, I do not want to approach it. I ought to comfort it, but it repulses me.

"You cannot help."

I freeze at this voice. And I swallow before I turn my head and face him - face the boy who is not allowed to be dead.

"Fred."

His face is so perfect, so unharmed.

"Harri," he smiles at me but does not attempt to approach me.

Slowly, I stand up, my eyes never leaving his. He doesn't look real - but then I don't feel real either.

"Where are we?" I dare ask, my voice barely but a whisper.

"Do you not know?" Fred takes a dramatic look around, turning on the spot before facing me again, a warm smile and a twinkle in his eye. "It's the place we first saw each other. Kings Cross, I do believe."

I do not want to look around. I do not want to believe what I think is happening, is in fact happening.

Instead, I remain staring at him as an inexplicable sadness consumes me.

"Why are we here?" I ask quietly. "Are we... dead?"

Fred's eyes glisten as he looks in mine. "Not you. Never you."

I go to walk towards him but he holds up a hand, halting me.

"You are going back, Harri," he murmurs. "There's more for you to do. This here is just the killing of that-" he points towards the wailing creature. "But unlike me, you get a second chance."

"Don't say that, Fred." I say, shaking my head as my vision begins to blur. "Come back with me."

"I can't. I wish I could, believe me."

"But I can't live without you-" My voice wobbles and cracks as Fred looks at me with such an aching sadness.

"Yes, you can. You will live a brilliant life without me because that's what you deserve."

My lip trembles. "I never got to say goodbye."

"We're saying it now. This is our goodbye."

My heart feels as though it is breaking into tiny little pieces. "No, Fred no. Please no."

He walks up to me then, taking my hands in his, and they feel as real as the hands I used to hold until he was-

"You promised you'd never say goodbye again," I sob.

He shakes his head, his brilliant red fringe flopping messily over his sad and apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry, Harri. I'm so sorry."

"Fred," I whisper, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. "I love you."

He leans in, touching his lips softly to mine, making me sigh.

"It's time to wake up, sleepyhead."

And, as I close my eyes, I feel the world shifting around me, and I'm suddenly shrouded in pain as Fred dissolves away and real life hits me like a brick.

*****

I am alive but I am dead.

*****