A/N
This is gonna suck.
You have been warned.

I plan to put up a video of the song soon, so yeah.

I'm also going to say this now, before anyone asks.  No I will not put smut in any of my stories.  Maybe hinting towards or mentions about it happening, but that's it.  So keep this in mind whenever reading my stories, especially without censored cursing.

It's also really bad lol
Arthur's POV still.
-Arthur Kirkland

~•~

Can't Just Quit Now

The signs are clear,
But these idiots can't see it
A single tear,
I'm tired of all this shit

People are hiding the brokenness with their lies
Behind their smiles, bright like diamonds
So nobody notices the pain in their eyes
They're fine, as everyone's determined

So they fit that mold
Don't tell anyone how they feel
Because nobody cares, life is cold
They lie, they smile, and they seal the deal
And they can't just quit now

They fight, they lie, they get a reputation
They hide who they are on the inside
Approaching life with caution,
Keeping their souls tightly tied

People try their hardest to survive
But sometimes, life is just too rough.
Live with their pain and do anything to feel alive.
Everyone tries to push them down, but they have to pretend to stay standing

People are hiding the brokenness with their lies
Behind their smiles, bright like diamonds
So nobody notices the pain in their eyes
They're fine, as everyone's determined

So they fit that mold

Don't tell anyone how they feel
Because nobody cares, life is cold
They lie, they smile, and they seal the deal
And they can't just quit now

So they fit that mold

Don't tell anyone how they feel
Because nobody cares, life is cold
They lie, they smile, and they seal the deal
And they can't just quit now

(guitar solo or something, though there isn't one yet. when singing continues, it's slower)

I may seem immune to negativity
Standing tall, when you could not
But I'm not, I am just a person, and it's all just an act
I understand you

I can see your pain, I can see it in your eyes
You put on your mask and wait for a sign,
You fearfully hide, but I can see through your lies.
But can you see through mine?

I am hiding my brokenness with my lies
Behind my smiles, bright like diamonds
So nobody notices the pain in my eyes
I am fine, as everyone's determined

So I fit that mold
Don't tell anyone how I feel.
Because why would they care? Life is cold
I lie, I smile, and I seal the deal
And I can't just quit now

So I fit that mold
Don't tell anyone how I feel
Because why would they care? Life is cold
I've lied, I've smiled, and I've sealed the deal
And I can't just quit now

(A/N Pretend the song is good lol.  I claim all rights to it, and no you may not steal it ((maybe later on, but right now, please don't)).)

(A/N I'm rereading/editing and I'm just like... If anyone has a better song I could replace this with, that might match the story or character or be more punk like feel free to share it, if I replace this with yours I'll give credit obviously. 7/30/2020)

"Wow," Gilbert says after I sing my song.  We're at his house, the day after the math incident.  "Dark and true.  But great!  Now, I believe you promised me an explanation of what the song means and where the inspiration came from?"

"I don't think I ever promised the second thing," I mutter.

"Can't you tell me anyway?" Gilbert asks.  "I wanna know what inspired you to make this awesome song!"

"Are you seriously trying to flatter me into telling you?"

"Yes," Gilbert answers shamelessly.

"Fine," I grumble.  "Ask me whatever questions you want.  I might answer them."

Gilbert's face grows serious.  "What's this whole 'math incident' everyone is talking about?"

I snort.  "People are actually calling it that? I thought that was just what I call it in my thoughts."  When Gilbert just continues to look at me silently, I continue.  "Besides, I haven't heard anyone talking about it."

"Of course you haven't," Gilbert says.  "The only people who would talk about it near you are people who feel like getting in a fight."

"I haven't had a fight in a while," I realize.  "Maybe it would help me relieve some stress.  I could go find Francis..."

Gilbert is just looking at me sternly, the same look he gives Ludwig when Ludwig chooses not to help them go do something illegal.

I decide to stop procrastinating and just tell him, because I don't want to have my boyfriend look at me the same way he looks at his brother.  Not at all because I actually want to tell someone about it.  Don't be stupid.

"I was failing at the math test," I say shortly, "and unfortunately, Ms Hassen's 85% rule exists.  Any minute now my brothers are gonna get a call home."

"How do know you got below an 85%?" Gilbert asks.

"I only managed finished 25 out of 100 questions,"  I answer, flopping down on his bed and sighing.  "I probably failed even more than that."

I pause.  Gilbert says silent, so I continue.  "The 'math incident' was me throwing up from stress and anxiety.  Just a panic attack.  I left the classroom, stealing Ms Hassen's garbage can.  I went to Cathy's room for a couple minutes before going back to class."

"Why didn't you use throwing up as an excuse to go home and study more?" Gilbert questions.

"Go home? No way.  I'd rather be in math class all day, any day.  Besides, what would it have done?  It's not like more studying would have helped."

"I could've helped you study," Gilbert says, sounding slightly hurt that I didn't ask him.  "I'm pretty good at math."

"I thought I knew the stuff," I say, trying to reassure him that I didn't doubt his abilities at mathing.  "It kind of all just left me once I got the test. Besides, I studied enough that I thought I'd been fairly prepared for it."

"How much did you study?" Gilbert asks.

"A lot," I say.  Not really an answer, but if I admit that I'd pulled a whole two weeks of all-nighters, he'd probably get unnecessarily worried.  And might say the lack of sleep is what made me fail.

"Have you eaten enough since you threw up?  Because if you're hungry I can get you something."

I wave him off.  "I'm not hungry.  You know I don't need much food in the first place."

"That's literally what you always say," Gilbert says suspiciously.

I shrug.  "It's true."  Well, half true.  "Besides, I have a shift at the cafe later.  If I'm hungry, I'll grab something then."

Gilbert looks at me, probably knowing that I wasn't telling him the whole truth, but just sighs.

"Any more questions?"

"Why do you hate your brothers so much?"

"You know I'm not answering that."

"It was worth a shot.  I'll ask something else."

"Okay."  I sit up and look at him.

"What people had a part to play in your inspiration for this?"

"Cathy, you, Mr Mike, the Frog, Ms Hassen, Mr Wang, Kiku... most everyone I know, to be honest."

I check my phone for notifications, noticing an email.  Gilbert asks his next question.

"Have you sleeping better than you did when we first got together?"

"Yes."  It was a complete lie.  My sleeping habits had not changed a bit, and nightmares don't just stop coming.

I read the email, and if I had had water in my mouth, I probably would have spit it out.

"What happened?"

"A popular magazine just offered me a modeling job."

"Oh," Gilbert says, taking out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  "Don't know why you're so surprised.  They probably just saw one of your previous modeling jobs and noticed how hot you are."

"Should I do it?" I ask.

Gilbert shrugs, lighting a cigarette.  "You know how I feel about you showing off your body to people other than me, but if you want to then go for it."

"I'll do it if I have to," I reply.  Gilbert offers me a cigarette, and as much as I want one, I deny it knowing that Mr Wang would skin me alive—or worse, fire me—if he knew, and I am about to go work a shift at his cafe.

"Why do you and Francis hate each other so much?"

"We didn't use to.  We used to be really close.  I trusted him.  He threw it away.  He'd tell you something different, about how he saved my life and I was ungrateful.  Or something."

"Did he save your life?"

I pause, staring at the wall.  "Yes."

"And were you ungrateful?"

"Of course not," I say.  "But in the end it just wasn't meant to be."

We were silent for a couple moments.

"I have only one more question."  I look at him and raise a questioning eyebrow, recognizing from his tone that he's about to say something to try and lift the mood or at least get rid of the tension.

"What is it?" I question.

"How often," Gilbert asks, "do you think about fucking me?"

That wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  I stop myself from choking on air and try to take it in stride.  I chuckle slightly.

"Oh, you wouldn't even believe it," I smirked. "Practically all the time.  And occasionally,  every once in a while," I smirk, leaning forward and lowering my voice as if about to tell a secret, "I'll even think about you fucking me."

Whatever Gil thought I'd say, a confession like that--and with my reputation, it practically is a confession--clearly wasn't it.  His eyes widen slightly, and I'm pretty certain that he just barely manages to stop his jaw from dropping.

(A/N I feel like this is cringey.  Let me know if I'm just being unnecessarily weird about it. 7/30/2020)

"How about you?" I ask.  "You fantasize about me?"

"Practically every night," Gilbert answers, walking closer to me.  "Who wouldn't, with how hot you are? The rumors about how good you are with words are clearly true.  I've been wondering what else that silver tongue can do."

I grin.  "You have, have you?  Well, then, why don't I give you a demonstration?"

Gilbert sits down on my lap and puts his arms around my neck.  "Please do."

I wrap my arms around him and lean forward.  Our lips just barely touch before my phone rings.

I curse and look apologetically towards Gil.  He's glaring at the phone like he wants to throw it out a window, but gestures for me to answer it.

I pick it up, not bothering to check who it is.  "Who the hell is this?  I'm kind of busy with my boyfriend right now, so keep it short."

"Who are you to talk to me like that, idiot?"  I can practically feel the blood drain from my face as I hear Allistor's voice.  "Especially with what we just heard from your math teacher."

"Sorry, Ali, I didn't know it was you."

"You better not have.  Be home in five minutes."

"But my shift at the cafe is-"

"I don't care.  Shut your fucking mouth and get your arse over here."  He hangs up, and I shove my phone in my pocket.

"Sorry, Gil," I say.  "I have to go home."

"I heard," Gilbert replies, getting off of me.

I sigh.  Gilbert's not stupid.  He'll be able to connect the dots, though he probably did even before the phone call.  "You mind calling Mr Wang and telling him I'm gonna be missing my shift?"

"Your excuse?"

"Family emergency."

"Got it." He pulls out his phone.

"Thanks, Gilbert."

"It's nothing."

I peck his lips on the way out the door, and he smiles back at me.

"Yeah, he just left..." I hear him say as I close the door of his room behind me.

~•~

"How the hell did you manage to get a 5% on your first math test?"

That's the first thing I hear as I enter the house.

"I didn't mean to-" I'm cut off by a slap in the head.

"Of course you didn't.  Unless you just wanted to ruin my reputation with my favorite teacher."

"I swear, that's not it."

"I don't really care why it happened.  I wouldn't have cared all that much, considering I've never considered you smart enough to get anywhere in life.  But do you know how busy I am? I can't exactly be taking phone calls from teachers who expect me to get you back in line."

"Of course," I say.  "I'm sorry I interrupted your very busy schedule by accidentally failing a math test."

His eyes narrow.  "Was that sarcasm?"

No, I think sarcastically.  I never thought he would be able to even pass his fifth year, but somehow he managed to pass anyway.

I remain silent.  There are no good responses, and while he'll probably get mad at me for ignoring him, it's still better than alternatives in this case (blatant, obvious lie, or the rude truth).

He's mad enough as it is.  Might as well try not to make him any angrier.  At best, nothing will happen except yelling and a dislocated jaw and shoulder or something. At worst...

Well, I'm trying not to think about that.

~•~

I don't stop by the cafe on my way to school.  In fact, I'm kind of avoiding Mr Wang at the moment.

"Hi, Artie." I look and see Gilbert walking next to me.

"Hey Gil."

He frowns.  "You okay?"

"I'm fine."  It's my reflexive answer.  I know he won't believe it, but I don't take it back.

"Did your brothers do all that to you?"  He guestures at me.

I don't say anything.  He's asking me a question that I'm absolutely certain he already knows the answer of.

"...What's your lame excuse this time?"

"Got in a fight with 7 drunk kids on the way home from your house.  I didn't win."

He nods.

"I'll carry something for you," he says after a moment.

"I don't need help carrying my stuff," I reply.

"But you want the help.  I can tell.  I wouldn't be such an awesome boyfriend if I didn't help you carry your stuff when you're injured."

I roll my eyes.  "I'm not that injured."

"You are literally limping," Gilbert deadpans.  "You almost never limp, even after a bad fight."

"I don't usually get attacked by 7 drunk kids," I say.

Gilbert shakes his head and sighs, but lets the matter drop.

When we get to the school, he holds open the door for me, and despite my earlier protests about him helping me, I silently accept it as I step into the building.

"Good luck," Gilbert says.

"Thanks," I reply.  "Bye, Gil."

He just nods and heads towards his first class.

~•~

As I watch Ms Hassen pass back the tests, announcing everyone's grades to the class, I wonder how the hell she can be anyone besides my brothers' favorite teacher.

"Nancy got a 100%, good job!" she says, passing back a test to her favorite student, who most certainly did not get a 100.  Then, she turns to this other kid, Michael, and says, "Mike got an 85%. Just barely made it.  Congragulations!"

Then Ms Hassen says sadly, passing a test to another kid, "Cary got a 37%.  I trust your parents talked to you about it?"

Cary just nods and looks away quickly.  Lying, I can tell.  I watch her.  She happens to look up and meet my eye.  I spare her a quick, sympathetic smile, knowing she needs it, but not knowing exactly why, and then I look away.  I can feel her still looking at me.

"Arthur," I look at Ms Hassen, who's standing in front of my desk, "got a 5%."  How'd you like that call home, Arthur? Her eyes ask with fake innocence.

No one seems too surprised by my grade.  It's not any of them ever thought that I care about my grades, and would probably agree with Allistor about my chances at a University.  I grin lazily at everyone in that room to give off that who-cares-about-math-class-anyway?-fuck-this-shit kind of vibe.

"Am I safe to assume your guardian has acted accordingly?"  I know how you got so hurt.  I'm going to have a nice cuppa with Allistor and we can laugh about it.

I stop myself from flinching.  "No ma'am." Fuck you, ma'am.  "He was more angry about me getting in a fight with some drunk kids."  You can't tell everyone I'm lying without proof or you'll seem like the bad guy.  So for all intents and purposes, yes, it was just a fight.

"Understandable.  I'd like to talk to you after class myself, then."  Skip, and it's detention.  One wrong move at all, and it's a long detention.  I'll enjoy seeing you erase answers out of textbooks for hours.

"Sure." Go to hell.

Ms Hassen moves on.  The kids turn their attention away from me.  I look around the room, and I see Cary still looking at me.

~•~

"What's your phone number?"

Cary looks at me surprise crossing her face.  "What?"

I raise an eyebrow and wiggle my phone.  "You're phone number.  What is it?"

Cary scowls.  "I know what you said.  I was just confused."

"I knew what you meant," I reply.  "I was just teasing.  I know you're not stupid.  So what's your phone number?"

"Why do you want to know?  Are you trying to get me to sleep with you or something?"

I scowl.  "I have a boyfriend, you know."

"Never used to stop you."

"Common misconception,"  I say.  "I've never actually cheated on anyone before.  I sleep around when I'm not in a relationship or if my partner's fine with it, but otherwise, I don't."

"Oh.  So then why do you want my number?"

"You seem like a cool person."

She looks at me, not believing that as the whole truth.  Which it isn't.  I'm not even trying to hide that.  She seems to be thinking for a moment.

Then, she gives me her number, before rushing out of the classroom.  I turn to Ms Hassen, who is grading papers at her desk.  "You wanted to speak to me?"

~•~

"Arthur."  I stop walking to my last period class as I hear someone say my name right next to me.  I turn to see who it is, and I notice Cathy by her door.  When she sees that I've noticed her, she gestures for me to follow and then retreats into her room.  I slip into the room after her.

I sit down in the chair and look at her expectantly.

"I heard from Cary that you asked for her phone number."  Cary visits me regularly.  She was worried about this topic.

"Yes, I did."  You tell people what you talk about with the students now?

"She's still confused about why you did that."  Not unless I feel someone is in danger or the student says that I can.

"I wanted to text her.  She seems like a cool person."  I heard an answer she gave to a question in class.  I feel like I can relate to her about some things.

"Oh, okay.  Well, make sure she understands that that's why you did that."  For once, her spoken words match what her eyes are saying, though they are in two different contexts.  I consider doing the same, but I realise it just won't fit.  I promise myself that I'll do it later.

"I will."  At some point.

She sighs.  "Here's a pass, since your probably going to be late to your next class."  Take a couple minutes of free time before class, Arthur.  You need a level head before going to Mr Wang's class today, I believe.

Right.  My next class is history with Mr Wang.

"Okay.  Bye."  Yeah, I probably will.  Thanks, Cathy.

"See you later, Arthur."  You're very welcome.

~•~

I walk into Mr Wang's class five minutes late.

"Sorry I'm late,"  I say, walking over to Mr Wang and handing him the note.  I start to walk back to my desk.

"Arthur," he says.  I turn and look at him.  "Will you be able to do your shift after school today?"

"I don't think I'll have another family emergency, though I doubt I'd attract many customers looking like this,"  I say.  "I'll trade places with whoever is doing the dishes as long as I get to sit in a chair while doing it."

"Okay.  Go sit down, and I'll summarize what we're doing right now for you."

I nod and go to my seat at the back of the room.

~•~

"So what happened?"

I look at Mr Wang who's standing by the dishes-washing sink.  "A family emergency."

"The truth, please."

"Okay.  When I got home, my brother revealed that he lied about a family emergency so that he could scold me about getting a 5% on a math test."

Mr Wang remaines silent.

"I got attacked by 7 drunk kids on the way home,"  I add.

"How about I ask this.  Why did you decide to work even though you are in no condition to be working?  You should probably be in a hospital or something."

I scoff to back up what I'm about to say/lie.  "Like my family can afford the hospital bills."  Allistor is fully capable of paying.  "We can barely even afford breakfast.  You know that."

(A/N I'm rereading/editing this and I realize that this is stupid since healthcare is free in England but my Americanness slipped through.  I'd rewrite this part but idk what to change it to so just pretend it makes sense since it probably won't come up again anyway lmao 7/30/2020)

"Yes.  I believe you informed me of that when you begged me for the job."

"I did not beg--"  I stop at Mr Wang's look.  "Fine, maybe I did,"  I mutter under my breath.

"If you don't start telling me the truth, Kirkland, I'm going to have to consider firing you.  Honesty, loyalty, and willingness to do what has to be done is something I happen to value from my employees."

"You seem like you actually expected me to be a good person or something,"  I laugh.

"Look, Arthur, I don't want to fire you.  I just want you to be honest with me."

I snort.  "I'm literally always willing to do what has to be done.  It's practically all I do.  I'm not going to be 100% honest with anyone if they don't have 100% of my trust.  My trust is earned, not given.  I can't just change that, because the one time I tried, it didn't exactly end out well.  I can't even help but distrust Gilbert a bit.  So either take what I give you, or you can go ahead and fire me.  I have a backup option."

Mr Wang didn't say anything for a long moment, seeming to be considering.

"What's your backup option?"

"I got offered a one-time modeling job.  If I'm lucky, I might get popular enough to do some more.  If not...  I used to volunteer at a local bakery, and they recently offered me a job.  I planned to start working there next month as their official cupcake-maker along with this job.  The money I make from the modeling job could last me until then."

Mr Wang is silent again, considering his options, before starting to walk out of the room.  "You do those dishes.  I'll give you my decision with your paycheck at the end of the week."

"Okay."  Wow.  Thanks.  Another thing to be anxious about.  And I thought I might be able to actually get a good night's sleep for once. Or just any sleep.

~•~

"What's wrong?"  I hear the concerned voice of my boyfriend in English class on Friday.  School is actually ending early today for some reason I don't really care about.  So today, English is our last period.  There's no history today.

"Nothing.  I just can't focus," I reply honestly, and I have the weird feeling I'm not even completely awake.  Rubbing my eyes, I say, "And I have a terrible headache."

"I heard you skipped math today."

"I didn't skip.  Cathy said that if I was ever feeling really out of it I could go to her room."

"Then why don't you go there now?"

"Because I don't need to.  You're right here,"  I reply drowsily.  "And we never do anything in this class anyway."

Gilbert seems at a loss of what to do for a moment.

"Artie, stand up."

"What? Why?"  I say, in a probably very whiny tone.

"Just do it."

I'm pretty sure that I'm pouting as I reluctantly get out of my seat.  Gilbert steals my seat.

"What?  C'mon, Gil, that's my seat."

He shushes me before gesturing for me to sit on him.  I plop back onto his lap without hesitation.  He wraps his arms around me.

"You know, you're just like a little kid when you're tired."

"I'm not tired, and I don't act like a child when I am," I protest tiredly.  Gilbert just raises an eyebrow.  I huff silently.

"What's Mr Mike saying?"  I mumble.

"Something about quotation marks."

"Well, aren't you helpful?"  Even tired, I'm still sarcastic.

"It's what I do."  I relax and snuggle into my boyfriend without noticing it.  He puts his chin on my head.

"Hey, Gilbert, I'm supposed to be... I'm sarcastic one.  Don't steal my... Don't job my steal..."  My sentences start making less and less sense.  I hear Gilbert chuckle and I scowl slightly, but I don't say anything.  My current complete incompetence at stringing words together would only serve to humiliate me furthur.  And if anyone else heard, my reputation would probably change drastically.

So I look at the board, and try uselessly to focus.

~•~

"What's wrong with him?"  Mr Wang asks Gilbert.

"Fuck you too,"  I mutter.  They both ignore me.

"I think he's just really tired."

"No I'm not."  Once again, I'm ignored.

"Clearly.  If he's this tired, then why didn't he just go home after school?"

"He insisted.  Kept saying something about 'loyally needing to do what has to be honestly done,' 'need to be keepings job' 'Gilbert don't like me modeling,' 'fuck you, Allistor want me have me job,' and 'I need those earbuds.'"

"Fuck you Gilbert.  You're making my look bad with me boss."

Mr Wang looks at me for a second, "You're not fired," he decides.  "But get well rested before coming back to work."

"Thanks,"  I say.

Mr Wang nods, then turns to Gilbert, and hands him my money.  "Make sure he gets this."

"I will."  Gilbert quickly puts it in his backpack, before picking up all of our stuff and saying to me gently, "Get up, Artie."

I do, stumbling a bit.  He reaches out and stabilizes me, before leading me outside.

"Think you can make it up the stairs?"  Gilbert asks.

"Of course I can,"  I say, and promptly stub my toe on the first stair.

"That's a no," Gilbert replies.  "Guest bedroom it is."  He leads me to it, and I flop down on the bed and close my eyes, allowing myself to sleep.

~•~

A/N

In case you were wondering, yes I do know that this sucks.  Please let me know what you think, and correct any mistakes that you see.

-Arthur Kirkland