I'm sorry! This is absurdly long!

Roger and I had woken up at least four times the night before. Maybe it was the I love you’s that brought out our really amorous side.  We hadn’t really slept that much. Maybe…maybe a couple hours. I was in a state of pure bliss and exhaustion. This was the most wonderful day of my life. I felt incredibly hungover yet still drunk at the same time. Maybe I was still drunk on Roger. My shoulders were burning and I can’t describe how sore my thighs and my lower back were. As I barely opened my eyes, I felt so very content and in love despite the fact that I could hardly move right now.

 One thing I had already learned, when Roger said I love you…it meant ‘you’re gonna’ sleep a lot less…at least tonight ya’ are.’ I had no idea what time it was but I knew I had to find wherever the hell it was I put my pill blister and take it regardless of the time. Oh god, my ribs hurt. I think this was a combination of sleepin’ in the floor, rollin’ off the blanket in the middle of the night and…well, you know. I pushed myself up on my arms only to realize how damn dizzy I was. My knees were burnin’ and my elbows were on fire. I slinked lifelessly back into the floor, feeling the roughness of carpet against my face. I was exhausted…but I already mentioned that. I had to force myself to take my pill…wherever it was. I feared anything in my stomach would come right back up. I knew I would eventually have to wake up long enough to attain some stability. I closed my eyes again and felt the room spin, wondering if I were any closer to that damn glass. It was extremely cold down here this morning. Where…where on earth was my robe? I looked over at Roger, whom I couldn’t clearly see in this darkness, I had to go open the door and let some light filter down here. I felt around and felt a soft tank shirt where Roger and I had dropped everything the night before. This would do. Shit…I needed pants or somethin’…okay…I was makin’ progress, I had found Roger’s pants and even though I could roll the waist down and they would kind of not really fit me.

 I stood up, miserably, and felt a burnin’ pain on my skin. I actually felt much, much better standin’ up. I headed up the stairs only to hear the door to the guest room open.  It was quite clear, that while I was in a state of disarray this morning, Freddie was most pleasant as he left the guest room happily humming. Naturally, one would happily hum along if they weren't freezin’, hungover, and wonderin’ why the hell my body hurt so badly.

 I squinted at the daylight pourin’ in through the top of the door to the house. I stood there in the doorway for a moment. I looked down at my elbow. My eyes suddenly opened wide. Ooooooh god…stupid, stupid carpet! I said to myself. My elbow was raw, not terribly bad but it was sure raw. My knees had rubbed raw. I reached around and touched my shoulder blades. I cringed at my own touch; this was the worst spot. Damn, damn, damn carpet! My god! We had been more than mild last night. This carpet was absurd.

 I had no choice. This waist band was rubbing against my tailbone and killing me. I had to go up to the bathroom and find some relief for this. But before that, I went back downstairs to get my pill. I noticed Roger wasn’t even on the blanket. In fact, that stupid blanket we had once been so sweetly nestled in was in a twisted wad near the hot water tank. I could see Roger’s back and the faded pink streaks that could still be seen. I stood there and thought for a moment and thought about it. Oooh yes…yes I remembered when I had done that. Yes, that was hot. That was really, really hot. He was sound asleep as I popped my pill out and swallowed it down. Before going back upstairs, I picked up the blanket, my head still spinnin’ and laid it over Roger. Oh god…he was a perfect angel. I was just about to kiss the top of his head when…

 “Oh! Oh my god! Oh my god! You’re naked! Ooooh that is….thirty-seven flavors of naked right there!” Freddie said a little too loudly, covering his eyes. It immediately woke Brian and Chrissie in a sheer panic. Chrissie screeched and buried she and Brian in a refuge of blankets. I was hopin’ Freddie’s commotion wouldn’t wake Roger. I needed to drag my sore arse upstairs and see what the hell was goin’ on.

“Okay…I’m going to slowly uncover my eyes and hope to god you two are decent. Oh, this is going to make for delightful breakfast conversation.” Freddie said uncovering his eyes. “Oooh. Thank. God! That’s much better. Stay under that blanket! Don’t ruin my tea, Brian! Now to….ooooooh hello there, dear!” Freddie was all smiles as he looked at my miserable form at the top of the stairs. I had clearly interrupted his sentence.

 “Care to make some tea with me?” I stared at Freddie’s ridiculous smile blankly. “Don’t mind that blob on the couch. It’s just Brian and Chrissie…naked! Apparently they’ve done naked things there.” Freddie beamed. I blinked slowly at him. “Lydia…you look…well, I won’t lie…you look like you’ve been up all night. Did you have something on top of you?” I blinked slowly at Freddie again. “Well, come on then if you’re not going to answer me! Come make tea with me. Come on!” Freddie reached out his hands to me, wiggling his fingers at me in excitement.

 “Freddie…make ya’ own tea.” I said softly to him as I went into the bathroom to find some cotton balls and peroxide or rubbing alcohol.

 “Whatever you say, darling but I’ll make plenty for you! By the way, Brian…Chrissie…I have my back turned. Feel free to get dressed at any time. Or you know, stay naked. Hey, that’s your choice. John and Veronica run a free house.” Freddie cleared out an area in the already disastrous kitchen and filled John and Veronica’s teakettle with water. He turned the burner on, quite pleased with himself.

 “Here…I need your help.” I handed a bag of cotton balls and a bottle of peroxide.

 “Lydia, why on Earth would you you hand me these….oh my god!!!” he exclaimed as I turned around, my back facing him. “Shit, dear! It’s like you’ve been positively put through a meat grinder! What the hell kind of kinky things are you into and how the hell do you get Roger to comply!? He won’t even take my advice that he would look nice in floral prints!” Freddie pushed the straps of Roger’s tank I was wearing off my shoulders carefully.

 “It’s the carpet…” I mumbled under my breath.

 “Chrissie…” Brian whispered to her underneath the blanket. “We need to somehow…” Brian paused. “…I have no idea where I am going with this sentence because we are naked on this couch and everyone is going to start waking up now on account of stupid Freddie.” He couldn’t help but smile at Chrissie and kiss her shoulder.

 “Let’s stay like this and we can asked Lydia to get us some clothes. Or, option two…we can get up off this couch wrapped up in this blanket like a cocoon and then we can go find some clothes.” Chrissie suggested. Brian laughed.

 “I can’t believe I’m wakin’ up with you…naked…on New Years’ Day.” Brian said. Chrissie laughed.

 “Yeah…” she kissed him again and sighed. “Oooh god, Brian.” Chrissie was completely oblivious to everything else as she put her palm to Brian’s face, pulling his lips into hers once more.

 “Okay, let’s try option two. I’m gonna’ grab the back of this blanket, you hold on to the front and I’m gonna’ roll us up.” Brian said as they awkwardly squirmed around a bit.

 I cringed as I felt cold liquid sting into my back. That burned like fuck and it was cold, which only made me colder. “Aaaaaahhhhh….ooooh my god! ” I gritted my teeth again and pounded a clenched fist into the kitchen counter. “Shiiiiiit…god….goooood that burns…oh it burns.”

 “Lydia…darling…that’s only one spot.” Freddie said.

 “Then get the other shoulder, and my elbows and I’ll get my tailbone and my knees.” I assured him.

 “Seriously, Lydia. What the hell did you do down there!?” Freddie asked.

 “I fell in love, Freddie…I fell in love on the fuckin’ carpet.” I told him drying.

 “Darling!” he beamed all over. “I guess Roger told you something.” He kissed the back of my head. “He’s been waiting to do that for a month.” I cringed again as I felt another cotton ball on my opposite shoulder.

 “Okay, Chrissie, we’re up…now…it’s step, together. Step, together. And we’ll do that until we reach the room beside John and Veronica’s where our crap is.” Brian said. He had one arm around Chrissie and the other holding the blanket for dear life.

 “Alright, you say when.” Chrissie said, holding on to her end of the blanket.

 “Here we go…step. Together. Step. Together. Yeah, like this.” Brian said as the two of them made their way to the room beside John and Veronica’s.

 “We’re good at this Brian.” Chrissie laughed softly.

 “Yeah, yeah we are…but…let’s hope we never have to do this again.” Brian said as they slipped in past the door, closing it quickly.

 “Thank you.” I said to Freddie.

 “Say, aren’t these Roger’s pants, Lydia? It’s those really soft ones. Where are your clothes?” Freddie asked.

 “I have no idea.” I mumbled as I took the cotton balls and peroxide back to the bathroom to finish off this painful job. I sat down on the lid of the lav and swabbed my knees, my elbows and then finally my tailbone. All these places hurt but not as badly as my shoulders. I cringed as I finished up swabbing. I put the cotton balls and peroxide back where I found them and turned the bathroom light out. I walked into the living room and was suddenly much more awake…

 “Oh my god!” It was about that time that Chrissie and Brian had returned from getting dressed. “You two gotta’ clean that spot up, NOW. Warm water and a little soap…works every time.” I said groggily.

 “What spot?” Chrissie asked yawning. I walked over to the refrigerator and opened up the freezer.

 “Oh! Shit!” Chrissie noticed. “John and Veronica are gonna’ kill us.”  Chrissie said.

 “John and Veronica won’t give a fuck, I’m protecting Brian by tellin’ you to get that damn stain cleaned up right NOW.” I said, pulling a bag of frozen carrots out of the freezer. I went over to the middle of the floor, lied down on my side and shoved those carrots between my thighs.

 “Shiiiiit! Okay, okay we’re on this…but what the hell’s wrong with you?” Chrissie asked as she hurried into the kitchen where Freddie was to get a warm cloth and a pot of soap.

 “Carpet. Carpet is what’s wrong with me.” I closed my eyes and just laid there feeling the icy chill between my legs. John and Veronica’s door came swinging open. Their telly could be heard in a soft murmer of the news in their bedroom. John stood there in his long flannel pants. He wasn’t wearing a shirt as he leaned against the doorframe. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.

 “God…that kitchen’s a mess. Lydia looks like she’s in bad shape. What the hell are you cleanin’ out of my couch?” John finally asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Veronica walked up to John and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He put his arm around her and kissed her head.

 “Oooooh! Veronica! Where are your pants!?” Freddie giggled, looking at John and Veronica stupidly before he looked into a cabinet for tea bags. “Aaaahhhh! This is what I dearly love about New Years’ Day. Everyone is so marvelously fucked up from the night before! Veronica where are your tea bags? You and John look like you’ve been up for a while.” He said.

 “Here, I’ll get them.” Veronica wiggled out from underneath John and walked into the kitchen. “Yes, we’ve been up for a little over an hour but we didn’t want to wake anyone.”  Chrissie rubbed her hand vigorously over the spot on the couch. She was successful in her stain removal skills. I rolled over to my stomach and adjusted the position of the frozen carrots.

 “Lydia? What are you layin’ on?” John asked as he walked into the livin’ room steppin’ over me.

 “Frozen carrots” I mumbled, my face buried into ironically, what was more carpet. John laughed.

 “Frozen carrots? I didn’t even realize we had those.

 “Oooh, it’s a frozen carrot kinda’ mornin’? I know that feelin’. Only for me, it was frozen hash brown potatoes with peppers and onions.” Veronica said from the kitchen. She reached up and got the tea bags fro Freddie.

 “What’s this big wet spot on the couch?” Veronica noticed walking over to the couch.

 “NOTHING!” Chrissie reacted rather strongly.

 “Oh that’s…nothin’ at all.” Brian added quickly.

 “Yeah, it’s…I spilled…somethin’.” Chrissie said nervously.

 “Lydia…what…what’s wrong with your shoulders?” John asked, examining me. I shook my head. Veronica had climbed into the chair with John. Brian and Chrissie were situated on the couch once more and she was leaned over against him, his arm around her. Roger had appeared, slowly making his way up the stairs. He was wearing faded red, lined cotton pants and didn’t have a shirt on, much like John. In fact, his pants were about to fall off his hips because the drawstring in the waist was so worn. His hair was…well it was everywhere. Roger stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at Freddie, at Brian, at Chrissie, at Veronica and at John. He had a peculiar look on his face.

 “Good morning, pretty boy. Oh, you are just a mess!” Freddie said waiting on the teakettle to whistle. Roger shook his head.

 “It’s…it’s fuckin’ freezin’ downstairs. I mean it’s just freezin’. My back hurts like hell.” Roger paused and looked around. “Wha…why’s Lyd face down in the floor!?” Roger suddenly looked concerned.

 “You tell us, Rog!” Freddie laughed, completely amused with himself.

 “Lyd…hey…you…ooooh look at your back.” Roger made that face again. That face that he made that no one could take seriously. He kissed the back of my neck. “You want a cigarette?”

 “Fuck yes…” I flipped around quickly to face Roger.

“Roger…you pants are so close to fallin’ off.” John told him.

 “That might be true John, but I look up and I notice that Veronica has no pants.” Roger said pulling a cigarette out for me. She laughed and Roger put a cigarette in my mouth and lit it. He kissed my check and lit his own. I reluctantly rolled over to my back, pulled the frozen carrots from between my legs and sat up.

 “Boys and girls as we look around the room this morning in the Tetzlaff-Deacon Estate on this…January first, we see around us various states of disarray. Veronica, our lovely hostess on New Year’s Eve…pantsless and sitting on a semi-naked John.  One can only visualize what they may have done last night. And then as we shift our gaze to the couch, we have Chrissie who looks…well, you look fuckin’ radiant. Your face is glowin’ like a lightbulb and your smile is unmatched.” Freddie said a little disgruntled. “And then there’s Brian who…well, he clearly got laid because I’ve never seen him look so relaxed and happy as he does right now. In fact you and Chrissie both are just much too pulled together this morning. And then, as we direct our attention to the floor…Rog and Lydia. This boys and girls…if you don’t look like this in the morning then your relationship clearly isn’t working. The whole ‘I’ve been bit by a city bus two or three times and now I have carrots jammed between my legs’ look is the barometer for a healthy relationship! Oh! I want a picture of the brown eyed girls!” Freddie was so happy as he picked the camera up from the table. “Come on girls! All of you stand up right over here so I can capture our New Year together! Come on, come on! Stand up!” Freddie coerced us. Roger was really enjoying every puff of that cigarette and I, myself had already burnt half of mine down. I very reluctantly stood up. Chrissie had popped up quickly, that stupid smile still plastered on her face. “Veronica! Lydia! Come darlings!” Freddie persuaded us.

 Veronica slid off John’s lap and went over to where Chrissie was standing. Freddie pulled me off the floor like I was a river rat stuck in a drain. “Heeeeeere we go!” Freddie arranged us in a line.

 “Lyd…”Roger started. “…Lyd you look so pretty right now.” He shook his head and took another drag on his cigarette.

 “Roger, shut up…these three look simply beautiful!! Okay, girls! Look at me!” Freddie said. “Ooooh! That’s perfect! A look of indifference, a look of pure bliss and a look of fuck you go to hell, cigarette included!” Freddie took our full-body photo and shook it out until it came into focus. He laid it on the table in front of the couch. Veronica returned to John’s lap. I sat down beside Roger and put my head over on his shoulder and Chrissie practically lept into Brian’s lap. Roger put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

 “Wait…did you have sex on that couch!?” Veronica asked. It was the best delayed reaction ever. “ ‘Cause I mean…not even John and I have done that!” There was silence for a moment.

 “Brian? You slept with Chrissie!?”Roger finally asked. Chrissie covered her face in embarrassment.

 “No! No Brian! Don’t answer that!” This is breakfast talk! I, for one, have twelve questions for Chrissie regarding how you were with her!” Freddie said. Brian put his hand over his eyes for a moment.

 “You know what? Let’s go out for breakfast.” John said.

 “I just made tea!” Freddie said.

 “Think about it. Let’s just go out and it will be that one New Years’ that we can look back on and say to ourselves remember when Brian got laid on my couch and we all went our for breakfast? C’mon! We’l never forget it. Veronica and I are really relaxed. Those two are…swooning and Lydia and Roger are shining examples of carpet coma. And Fred, you’re not makin’ no breakfast for us. Seriously, let’s just get dressed in whatever the hell we come to; bundle up ‘cause it’s snowin’ this mornin’ and go down to the diner for breakfast.” John finished. We all looked around at each other.

 “Under one circumstance…” I began. “I physically can’t put a bra on I am so damn raw. I go braless.”

 “I’m fairly certain we all are in complete agreement that it won’t be a problem, Lydia.”

 “Excellent! We can walk there right? It’s just down the street?” Freddie asked. John nodded his head yes. “Come on dears! Let’s get some clothes on!” Freddie cheered us.

 Twenty minutes later, we were all at least somewhat presentable, though we still looked like we had partied all night. The seven of us walked down the mostly deserted residential street in the falling snow flurries to the diner. We didn’t have to wait on a table much to our delight. We immediately ordered a pot of tea. We all needed that tea badly. We spent nearly two hours in the diner together. And John had been right. We would never forget this.