QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:

"Confession is not betrayal. What you say or do doesn't matter; only feelings matter. If they could make me stop loving you-that would be the real betrayal."

― George Orwell, 1984

Dedication: @euphxric (for her sweet comment on the previous chapter)

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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

"Calvin."

"Yes."

I love you. Before saying it aloud, I repeat it inside my head for several times to get used to the words. I'm not a type of it; but after realisation, I know I have to let it slip out of my mouth before things go complicated - before it's too late.

I open my mouth but those words never come out. Instead, Calvin's mother appears at the door and stares at us with wide open eyes.

"Guys," she whispers, "what are you doing here in the morning?" Then, her eyes slide onto Calvin. "Why didn't you invite Jack in?"

"Mum, I didn't want to wake you up," Calvin elaborates but I can sense the shyness in his voice - he is nervous that his mother has just scolded him in front of me.

Isobel shakes her head at him, in turn glancing at me. "Coffee or tea?"

"Isobel, you don't need-"

"Coffee or tea," she demands.

"Coffee."

Then, she ushers us in. It's been a while since I've been here so I gaze around to see if everything is the same. Of course it is, why would anything change? I have that odd assumption about anything - it feels like when I don't go somewhere for a long time or don't see a person, it feels like they've changed. As if now they're completely different. Sometimes it happens; people change. But not necessarily when distance kicks in. Sometimes a person changes right in front of you, day by day or minute by minute, but you don't realise it. You can't do anything to change that either. One day you look and bam, that person is far different than the one you thought you've known. I want to believe that Calvin never changes. And we never change. But deep down it's also a miracle because the only permanent thing in life is the change itself.

Minutes later, I am telling Isobel about my grandfather, and we are drinking our coffees. During the conversation, they are both silent as though they are just listening to me and letting me pour down everything. I've not realised that there is a lot to pour down and I am doing my longest speech ever. It makes me happy though; my grandpa is a man worth telling.

"Seriously?" Isobel cuts me off for the first time. I've been telling about my grandpa teaching me how to swim. When  I was five, he said he was going to teach me how to swim and it turned out that he actually meant he would  push me into the pool and I would fight for my life; eventually end up learning how to swim. "How did he take the risk? Oh God." She presses her hand against her chest. She looks at Calvin and I notice her expression softens and a ghost of smile plays on her lips. "I could never do that."

"My mother is a risk averse."

"No Calvin, it's a huge risk to take!" She turns at me. "How did your parents let him?" She takes a sip from her coffee but her eyes are drawn to me with interest.

They weren't even there. "I guess they trusted grandpa. I am not sure."

"For God's sake, mum, she was five. Stop asking for details."

"That's fine, Cal," I say to him. "I remember it vaguely." He looks at me as if he is secretly apologising. He must think that Isobel wears me down but on the contrary, she keeps my mind away from the sorrow and helps me to remember him with love and happiness. "I've always gone to my grandparents' house in Brighton every summer. They have a pool at the garden but I usually prefer swimming in the sea. I've learnt swimming in that pool."

"Brighton? Oh good! Will you go there this summer as well?"

Before I answer, Calvin stares daggers at his mother and Isobel says, "I am sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

After staring at Calvin, I smile at her. "That's really fine, Isobel. I'm not offended or anything. My grandma is now here and I might go there not to leave her alone. Because she lost her only friend."

She nods. "I get what you mean. That's very kind of you, Jack. She must be proud of having a granddaughter as you."

The conversation flows and I notice how time passed so quickly when a man descends the stairs with a tie in his hand. When he enters the kitchen, he looks at me and then, Isobel. I fathom where Calvin has gotten his hair from. With some strands of white, the hair colour is the exact same. His eyes are also familiar but I think he looks like Isobel more. "Good morning," he says. He walks slowly towards me and extends his hand out. "Nice to meet you, Jack." Astonished by the situation, I stand up immediately and shake his hand.

"Likewise, Mr. Gilmore."

"She's so cute, Isobel, isn't she?" He chuckles and passes by me. He hands the tie to Isobel and lets her tie it around his neck. She fixes it and puts a peck on her husband's cheek. I glance at Calvin awkwardly and he flashes a smile at me.

"Guys, we'll be at my room," Calvin says afterwards, taking my hand and dragging me.

"Keep the door open."

"Parker," Isobel hisses.

I look up at Calvin and he rolls his eyes. When we reach his room, he closes the door and sits on his bed. "Sorry for the massive Gilmore embarrassment session."

"I love them," I sit beside him when I scan the room. Despite the bed, the room is so tidy as always. I don't even know how he does that. "Your family is amazing," I add before I give into my curiosity. "Do you tidy your room before sleep?"

He lets out a laugh. "I never mess my room."

"Wow. Cally Puppy tell me your secret. Are you a wizard?"

"If I were a wizard, I wouldn't own tidying as my skill."

"What would it be?"

He shrugs. "I don't know." He lies back on the bed, his arms stucked under his head. "Maybe love spell."

"Love spell, huh?" I feel uneasy, remembering what I was going to say before Isobel cut us off. "Why - why would you want that?"

"I don't know," he says again, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. But he knows. It's just so - he's teasing me. He waits it from me. "Then it'd be easier, you know. Unloving someone. Out of blue. Just like that." His words stabs me in the stomach like a knife.

"It's not what love spell does," I blurt out.

"My love spell would do that. Control love. Fall and un-fall."

Words freeze on my tongue, I don't know what to say next. "Calvin I-"

"Jack, I'm not talking about this. Not now, not ever. You need me here and I am here - but I want something from you. Never open up this conversation ever again."

My tongue betrays me. "Okay."

He raises his body, lifting his arms to warm up. "Are you coming to school?"

"No, not today."

"Okay then, I won't go either."

"No," I say firmly. "I'll go home because my grandma waits for me - and you'll go to school because you shouldn't miss anything because of me."

He sighs. "Okay, then I'll come visit you after school?"

"Sounds great."

I keep pretending what's just happened is okay but it isn't. He wants to unlove me - he wants to move on. And what's even worse is he doesn't want to talk. Does he want to like someone else? Like Stella? "Calvin," I breathe. "I love you." 

"I love you too, Jack." He smiles. Damn it, what's wrong? He should've been shocked or confused. He smiles at me as if he knows it.

I'm the one who is confused instead. I look at him in the eyes. Damn it Cal, I've just found the courage to say it aloud and you waste it for nothing. "No," I say. "I love you. Love love. You know." Oh dear God, can I be any lamer?

He narrows his eyes, then he chuckles. What the fuck? Why does he chuckle? It doesn't happen like this in the movies. He caresses my hair and looks at me like I'm crazy. "Are you okay?"

"Haven't been better," I say. "Calvin, do you hear me? I said it twice. Are you okay?"

"I know why you're doing this," he says, looking down. "You don't want to lose someone else but don't worry," -he places his hand on my shoulder- "you won't lose me." A tiny smile nails on his face. Oh no, he thinks I'm doing this because -

"Wait no," I say. "I was gonna say this back there, when we were sitting but Isobel cuts me off," -I huff a breath- "I was meaning to say this for a while."

"Okay."

I narrow my eyes. "Okay? Won't you say anything?" What's going on with him?

"Not now." I want to ask him why but he adds, "Not until I believe these are your true feelings."

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm serious. I've never been more serious in my life. I was going to say this before - I was coming to you before I've learnt my grandpa died." I stand up and walk to the door. "Then, we talk when you believe me."

He stands up, too. "Jack, I didn't mean it like that-"

"What did you mean? I find the courage to speak up and you're like 'Oh, I don't believe you feel so'. If I didn't feel it, I'd fucking keep my let's-stay-friends mood because you are so determined to unlove me. It'd be easier for me, too." He grasps my arm but I shrug him off. "No," I say. "I don't need you to have pity on me because I've lost my grandpa. You can unlove me - or run away."

"You're being dramatic."

"No, I am not," I hiss. I'm fucking pissed at him.

"Yes, you are." He steps closer to me. "But you're lucky." He holds my arm again but I don't stop him this time. He's so close. I'm looking up and we are face to face. His face is amused but it makes me only more angry - it's not funny.

"Why is that?"

"Because I love it when you're angry." Then, he leans on and captures my lips. Does that mean he finally registered the idea of me loving him into his thick skull or is he just kissing me? Who am I kidding? Either way, I am cool.

He kisses me like the first time - but also, the last time. The kiss still carries the same hesitance and shyness from before but it's also so deep and passionate; it leaves me craving for more. When he tilts his head back, breaking the kiss; he presses our foreheads together so that I feel his coffee-flavored breath on my face.

"So, what happens now?" I ask.

"I don't know."

"What the hell are you guys doing? Jackie Cookie!"

I don't remember how it happened but we managed to separate ourselves from each other and look as innocent as possible. Sue is staring at us, her arms crossed. "Are you having a party I'm not invited again?"

"We wouldn't dare," I say immediately. She looks still sleepy with her cute pyjamas. I can't help but smile. "I missed you, Sue boo!"

"Sue boo?" She snickers afterwards. "Sue boo. Yay, I have a nickname!" She hugs me, wrapping her tiny arms around my belly. "You're the best, Jackie Cookie. When did you come?"

"Like two hours ago."

"Why didn't you wake me up? I missed you." She turns to Calvin. "You knew how much I missed Jackie! I've asked you about her."

"I wanted you to sleep because princesses have to take their beauty sleep."

She nods knowingly. "Right." She smiles at me. "Now, I can tell you about my new crush!"

Calvin gasps. "Do you have a crush?"

"Ooops, Cal close your ears." She whispers at me, "He doesn't like me liking boys."

I peer at Calvin. "He is jealous." I pat her back. "You go and eat something, I'll come later." She nods and vacates the room.

This is when I notice Calvin has been standing behind me. "Gilmore embarrassment session number two."

I smirk at him. "You're just jealous I love Sue more." Pulling the door open, I look at him. I feel like I've lost some weight by confessing it. I swear this is fucking the best thing - yeah, I'm talking about Calvin's sideway smile.

"She's the only one," he says. "that I am willing to share you with."

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