QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:

"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."

― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent

Dedication: @littleredhoodx (because she's a brilliant guesser.)

***

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

The last party I've gone before this was with Calvin. I remember how carefree and fun things were between us then. He was annoying the hell out of me and I was actually shooing him off all I care. And, I think with a lump in my throat, he would always come back. If I knew how things were going to turn out like it is now, I'd never do things I've done.

As Richard's hand softly touches my back, slightly gesturing me inside the bar, I take a deep breath, preparing myself to spot Calvin with Stella laughing in an intimate manner. Maybe he's slightly drunk and getting flirty with her, too. Who knows?

The dimlight of the atmosphere welcomes me along with a hazy pile of noise. I can hear that people are talking, laughing and yelling with the pop music playing in the background; however I can't distinguish between them - they sound all the same. My eyes skim over the place, planning to end on a certain person but I can't spot neither Calvin nor Stella. I sigh, glancing at Richard beside me who is busy with greeting his friends with a nod. Simultaneously, he glances back and throws a soft smile which gains him a forceful grin in return. I murmur, "Go hang out with your friends."

He looks at me, puzzled. Then, he leans over me, his hand gripping my upper arm, and he yells at my ear. But it doesn't really affect me much since the place is already noisy. "What?"

I yell back, "I said go hang out with your friends."

He tilts his head back and looks at me. "I came here for you," he yells. "But we can hang out with them if you want."

I nod slowly, after scanning around and still having no sight of Calvin. He leads me to them with a content grin glued on his face. I'm so busy staring around so it takes me a while to notice that one of his friends is saying hi to me. I turn my attention at him and realise I actually know him. He is in one of my classes but I don't remember which one - his name is also blurry. "Hey Jack," he greets me, raising the beer in his hand. I smile back with a nod instead of saying hi. He probably won't even hear anyway.

Then, he and Richard talk something I can't hear. Meanwhile, I lastly check the place but sadly, no trace of Calvin. I'm sure he is going to come here though. Maybe they are hanging out somewhere else before filling their stomach with alcohol. Maybe they're having dinner together - which sends chills through my spine. I hate to think them together and I hate the fact itself that they might - more likely - be together right now.

I peer at Richard and notice he's actually having fun. It's so odd how I was ready to crash his balls like two months ago and he's now - he's there for me. Everything has improved so fast, so hurried that sometimes I don't even know myself what the fuck is going on. Maybe I trust people so easily. Or maybe my luck finally winks at me. I'm not sure.

He turns at me, and his laughing expression softens - his grin falls and his eyebrows knit together. "Are you bored?" He yells through my ear. I shake my head no. "Wanna drink?" What was the last time I've drunk something? Probably with Levi, it was.

"No."

He grins cockily. "I need one." Then, he disappears through people and I sigh. I look around again, hoping that I'll see him - but then, something catches my attention. Stella. With a guy - what was his name? Arsen - but Calvin is not with them. Even though this relieves me, I'm kind of disappointed, too. Because he's not here.

I stare at them for a while that I don't realise Richard is back. He drops his beer on table and I look at him with realisation. "What?"

"They are here," I yell.

"Who? Calvin?"

"No. Just Stella and her mate."

He turns and looks at their way. Then, he turns at me with a smile. "Good."

I arch my eyebrow. "Won't you go say hi?"

"Why would I?"

"I don't know," I say sarcastically, "Can it be because you have a massive crush on her and you might be desperate to win her attention?"

"Nah," he denies, "I changed my mind."

I gasp. "What the fuck you mean you've changed your mind? You can't - you can't back away now."

"Why not?" He asks warily.

"Because..." It takes me a while to come up with a reasonable answer. "Everything is easy with you having a massive crush on her. This way, I can take her off from Calvin."

"Didn't you say that you're going to confess your feelings, anyway?" He yells to make a sound in the noise but I can sense the annoyance in his tone which I cannot fathom why, and he looks annoyed as well. "You don't need me." He takes a huge sip from his beer, licking his lips afterwards.

"What changed your mind?" I ask, not bothered to hide my annoyance. "You liked her like what? Three hours ago?"

"She doesn't give a shit about me so why should I push it forward?"

"Because it's what love is all about!"

"I don't love her," he deadpans. "I've never loved anyone - I don't think I'm capable of that."

"Huh," I scoff. "Okay then, I'll go say hi." I leave him behind, walking up to them.

"Jack."

"What?" I spin back to face him. He looks at me with an incompherensible expression on his face which I can't put my finger on.

"Never mind," he murmurs, or so I think by the movement of his mouth, and his lips tilt with a soft grin.

I shoot a glance at him but I don't ask further. Taking a deep breath, I keep walking towards them and in a few seconds, Stella notices me drawing closer to them and her smile widens. I wonder if she's being fake or just so stupid not to get my ultimate hatred towards her. I fake a smile in return though because it's how the girls do. They never show their annoyance to enemies.

"Hi Stella," I say as I am close enough. "What're you guys doing?" I add, glancing at Arsen who is nervously looking at me.

"Fine," she says. "Uh, Arsen this is Jack. Jack this is Arsen." She introduces us and I shake his hand when he extends out.

"I actually know you," he states with a smug smile. "I mean - uh, never mind, I guess it's kind of private."

I frown. "What do you mean?"

He shakes his head and whispers something into Stella's ear. Does this guy have fucking manners? She nods and turns at me as he waves goodbye to both of us and leaves. "He said he saw a friend," Stella states but I suspect if it's the case.

Actually relieved by his runaway, I lean closer on Stella and almost whisper, "Where is Calvin?"

She withdraws, looking at me with an amused face. "Well, he didn't come," she yells to be heard in the massive noise. "I didn't ask why but I remember he said something like he needs homework to do."

I nod, disappointed. This means my plan of confession has sunk to the bottom.

"He didn't think you'd come either," she adds quickly, looking at me.

"Why not?"

She shrugs. "I don't know." She smiles at me as she takes a sip from her cocktail. "I really admire your friendship."

"Thanks."

"No, seriously," she keeps on. "From what Calvin has told me, I can see that he made a huge effort to get you where you are right now - I mean the stage of friendship you are in - but it is worth it, isn't it? Calvin is seriously the person you'd never let go of. That you need by your side."

Sudden flames of jealousy burn me through my spine and I can feel the fire within my body. "Yeah." I manage to let out of my system while I'm dealing with my anger. "He is."

She chuckles and pats my hand as if we are that intimate. "I'd like to know you better as well. In spite of bad rumors I heard about you, after I met Calvin, I started to like you as well."

It is actually honouring and a great thing that she likes me, right? Oh, and that Calvin mentions her about me all well. But I can't focus on either but that they are talking hella lot. Like too much. It bothers me more than ever. Maybe that's why I can't focus on anything else.

I shoot a glance at her and she's still looking at me with that infuriatingly angelic look on her face - as if she's actually one - and I let out a sigh. Her eyes slide behind me and a wide grin forms on her lips, so I turn back to look what's so great - Richard and Arsen are coming towards us laughing and chatting. "That idiot and me are like you and Calvin," she says, shaking her head goofily.

"Hmm, that intimate?"

"He's been my best friend since...I've known myself, I guess?"

"How nice," I murmur. "The thing is - huh - Calvin and I aren't in that category, you know."

"Oh." Her eyes widen. "So, you're actually..."

"About to." I force a smile. "We are about to, yes. But I don't have to remind this is a secret between us now, right? Because we wouldn't want you to say this to Calvin."

She nods knowingly. "I'd never tell him about this. But I'm actually so happy for you!" She grins at me. "I've never thought Calvin and you... I mean this is really shocking."

"Why is that?" I deadpan.

"You know," - her eyes dart on behind again - "You and Richard..."

"We what?" It's not me that is asking that. It's Richard himself.

"Nothing," I snap quickly. "She was saying she's glad to have you here, weren't you Stella?"

"Oh yes," she breaths, flashing a charming grin which looks almost real. This girl is something else.

He arches his eyebrow at me and I glance back at him with my I-don't-even-know-man look. "I'm kind of bored," he whispers to my ear, his breath fanning over my face. "Shall we?"

Alas, Richard, you don't know that I've just thought of a solid solution to Stella problem. So I need you to stick here with her. "You stand here and I'll be back in a minute." He nods and I leave as quick as possible, gazing at them while drawing far away from the crowd.

My plan is really smart and it might be the best solution ever. I know that Stella seems nice and all but I want her punched and I don't want to do it myself. So I'll set fire and watch it burn. Which is - I go and find Megan hanging out with her friends and stalking Richard at the corner of the place miserably. I end up next to her with a smirk on my face and she grimaces at my presence. "What the fuck are you doing here, Jack?"

"Aw, babe, I'm so sorry that you're melting here at his presence." She looks at me with those painful eyes but I continue. "It must be hard to see but not touch."

"Shut up," she says, sipping her drink.

"I am here to help you." I pat her shoulder suggestively. "Do you see that girl there?" I point with my head. "The blonde beside Ric?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"Richard has the hots - or I don't know what you call it - for her. Richard and Stella are kissing under the tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"What are you getting at, bitch?" She says with gritted teeth, her eyes locked on them and I notice her grip tightening around the glass.

I get closer and whisper in her ear in a seductive way. "You know what to do." She looks at me, puzzled. "You know Richard doesn't like his girls damaged. No wonder he dumped you after my make-up session. Give her the same and we'll see."

"Do you think it'd work?" She asks, dazed.

"Without a doubt."

"What's your benefit out of this?" She asks, frowning. "You wouldn't do this for me."

"I have a thing for myself in this, yes, but I'll never tell you. Focus on your benefit." Then, I withdraw and smirk again. "Ciao."

When I am back with Richard, chiming into their conversation in the middle and realising that they are actually having fun together with Arsen and Stella, I don't hesitate to leave them there. "Ric, I'm heading home."

He looks at me, sparing himself from the conversation. "Why?"

"I'm done here."

"I'm coming," he says, picking his coat from the stall.

"No," I demand, holding his arm. "You are staying here."

"Jack."

"Ric."

"Dude, we were hanging out just fine, stay." Arsen pops in and I mouth him a thank you. He winks at me in return as Richard gives in and says: "Don't forget to text me." before I vacate from the bar.

But of course, not soon enough.

Because right then, I bump into Levi. It's not actually something random because his eyes lighten up in the instant he spots me. "Jack," he breathes.

"What?" I groan, waiting for his lame question or comment.

He looks at me, uneasy and worried. I can't help narrowing my eyes at him. He looks really sad and pitiful - is it what I'm seeing in his eyes? What is going on with him? "I'm - I'm so sorry."

"Why?" I snap, folding my arms defensively. The night is still young but a bit chilly outside so having my arms wrapped around my torso heats me up a little bit.

He is the one who frowns at that moment. "Don't you know?" He asks, hesitant.

"Spill it out, Levi," I say impatient. "What do you mean?"

He clears his throat and looks at me. "Grandpa," he mutters. He calls my grandparents as their own. Because he has never seen his, my grandparents pitied him and let him call them grandma and grandpa. Which sounded so wonderful when I was growing a crush on him but after what happened, it was a sickening thing.

"What happened to him, Levi?" I ask again. It's impossible to take the words out of his mouth. But then, I remember my mother crying. Her uneasy behaviour and hesitance. Something has happened she hasn't told me. Grandpa. What happened to him?

Did he?

No.

"Levi," I yell this time with a shuddering tone. "What happened?" I can't control myself, pulling his collar and yanking him closer with anger.

He grabs my shoulders and tries to keep me steady. "I'll take you home." There is a hint of unsureness in his voice, as if he tries to calm himself more than me. I'm barely breathing - it's like suddenly all the oxygen is sucked from the air and I'm suffocating - it's never enough or I'm not breathing oxygen anymore. I'm breathing sorrow - suffocating in sorrow. Full of it. I just stare at him in the eyes, shocked and blank.

My grandpa was my everything - he is. He is alive, I shout inside my head, he is still alive. After I'd stopped going there for summer two years ago, it'd been so hard to cope with it. My grandparents were my family. I shared my everything with them and I genuinely loved them more than I did my own parents. They cared, they showed and they loved me. Summers had been my favourite. I wish I'd never been selfish and stupid - I kept going there despite Levi and that incident.

"Jack," he whispers, and as I turn my gaze at his face, I notice he's looking at me with hesitance.. When he touches my cheek, I notice the warm drop that he wipes off my face. I've been crying. "Stay strong," he hums with a weak tone, almost hoarse and on the edge of crying. I lift my gaze to bore into his watery, miserable eyes. I know he's as sad as I am - because he was important for him, too.

Right now, he doesn't need to speak.

He doesn't need to say that he's...

It's all written over his face and -

I don't remember when was the last time I've ever felt like this.

So hollow like a ghost.

Not dead enough to numb; yet not alive enough to keep going.

Somewhere in the middle.

Nowhere.

***