QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:

"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader."
― Robert Frost

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CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

Everything has a beginning as well as an end. It is foolish to believe that it's going to last forever or reborn. At least I stopped believing in forever when I saw the look on Calvin's face that day when he cleaned my bruises for the last time. When we met, he told me that he is interested in medicine-shocking that I remember-and I do know he's going to be so successful in that. But this isn't the matter. I wish he could fix hearts, no matter what and even if they broke themselves, and hand them back as a brand-new one.

When I was a kid, I believed in powers. That everyone has them one way or another; some had the ability of amazing cooking, good grades and normal stuff like that when some could make people happy, or sad, with a single word or smile. Authors had one of the greatest powers for me. And lastly, my power was invisibility.

I managed to use it until I met Calvin-it was like suddenly the high walls I built around myself started to fade away. Someone noticed me, even when I pushed him, he kept coming back at me. After him, I started to become visible to anyone and everyone. To my family, who had spent a great deal of years avoiding me at their best; to my school friends who liked to believe that I was a villian and even to Richard, who was the bully that liked to punch me.

A golden boy, who decided to kick into my life and changed it for good, left it as swift as he came in. And I let him come and go without any arguments. When I think about it, letting him in was one of the most reckless things I've ever done. I have never trusted someone as much as I trusted him but he has never broken my trust either. I was so afraid to be attached, to love and he suddenly became everything I could ever think of. His face, his words, his sister, his family. Everything that has been his had started to be mine. It was tiring at first, trying to keep up with someone who was as genuine as him. I was messed up, had problems with life in general and bringing Calvin into them seemed so dangerous-it was like I was scared of him to get dirty in them instead of them getting clear with him. I never believed he could fix anything.

Yet he fixed everything.

That is why, when he left, everything turned to be the same - as if he has never existed and fixed them at all. But I am never the same. I am no longer Jack who is tough, reckless and strong. I am not Jacqueline who is broken, vulnerable and insecure, either. I'm in-between, probably more damaged than Jacqueline but weaker than Jack. I didn't realise I let him in a way that he made me take off my guard and all my castles had been demolished when he left.

It wasn't his fault, but it wasn't mine either. There are some mistakes that both had made but somehow, I now see, it wasn't about the faults either. Our love, or whatever it is, wasn't-isn't-strong enough to save itself.

It makes me question if there is anything to be said or saved at all.

However, I agree to go to prom with Richard. Not because I am dying to help him or because I want to see how Calvin is doing. I agree to attend the prom because of the aforementioned reason - I want to see if there is anything left to be saved.

If it was up to me, I would go with a plain dress but my mother insisted the day should be special as it already is. So we go shopping-she picks up a dress-and purchase everything that she wants me to wear. Dress, jewelry and shoes. I don't fight it; I am going to leave soon anyway, I wanted to make her happy at least once.

The dress she picks up for me looks stunning. Not my style or colour but it looks really beautiful and appropriate for a graduation prom. It is light blue-not definitely my colour-long and has a ribbon on its belt. It has an innocent cleavage, which my mother prefers to match with a necklace that hangs between my collarbones, and its sleeves cover my upper arms. It accentuates my curves and I definitely look well in it. But I don't feel it. I won't feel it even if it's the best dress in the world anyway.

Nowadays my power is not to feel - or to feel too much pain that it doesn't let me feel anything else.

I am standing in front of a mirror, my mother behind me with a proud grin and my dad at the corner of the room, leaning against the door his arms crossed over his chest and he looks content with it as well. I suddenly realise it's that easy to make people happy - it's about giving it a try.

"You look so beautiful," my mother says, her hands on my shoulders and her eyes on the reflection of me in the mirror. She made my hair herself, a loose bun which matches my dress. "You always do but-"

"Thanks," I reply with the soft smile I manage to form. I turn at them, the people who has always been there for me, though sometimes they couldn't show it. The proud smiles on their faces make me proud of myself as well. It's a graduation prom, an ending of a part of life and beginning of another.

I am not sure if our lives are chapters of a book or different books written at different times but I know that the end of this one will be good no matter what. With or without Calvin, I am thankful that he showed the life to me from a different window that I'd never imagined to see. Call it pink glasses or happiness or love. It was something else.

I know this is a moment that I should think of my future. A future that awaits for me in Brighton and even after. But then, another thought crosses my mind. Jack, my mind asks me, what was your biggest dream?

Really, what was it? What is it? Even when I think about one, I can't come up with anything that includes future except for until about two days. Even with Calvin, I have always known that it was a dead end. Because he is so perfect for me and I'm too fallible for him. Now I notice during the short time we've been together, the change wasn't one-sided. He changed, too, he is no longer that kind and nice boy. I've taught him the tricks of evil and he can be demanding or rude; he can hurt fucking hard when he wants to.

My mother's sweet voice brings me back to my room. "Are you ready?"

I nod without a word, and we walk downstairs. With a perfect timing, as if for once in his life, Richard knocks on the door. My parents stand there, with the same proud-now also a bit creepy-smile, waiting for me to open up. I take a deep breath, reaching forward and gripping the handle.

And my mind makes its trick again. In a slow motion, I imagine the person who knocks on the door to be Calvin in his tux, with a light blue handkerchief that matches my dress. I pull the door open, my eyes closed for a short moment, and I open them to see Richard instead - also in a tux and with a nervous face.

His face changes, his mouth slightly parts and his eyes wide open. I try not to mind his sudden daze and open the door a bit more. "Hey," he breathes with a silly grin on his face. Then, when he notices my parents behind me, he fixes his jacket and clears his throat. "Mr and Mrs Pierce."

"Hey Richard," my mother greets him. "Wanna come in?"

"Oh,"-he glances at his watch-"we'd better go."

I glance back over my shoulder and they give me a reassuring smile. And I do something I would never do. I hug them tightly. Taken aback, they wrap their arms around me and we stay like that for a while. "I love you," I mumble, withdrawing and walking at Richard again.

"We love you, too," they say in union. "Take care and have fun! Try not to drink much."

When we are out, walking to his car-his dad's car, he points out although I don't ask him-and he treats earlier to open my door as a gentleman which I know he really isn't. The car is a BMW and it looks clean, they probably had it cleaned beforehand. I shoot an unimpressed glance at him, getting into the car and watch him shut it back again and sit on the driver seat. He shoots a smile at me, as if everything is unicorns and rainbows, takes the belt and start the car. I do the same, minus a smile.

During the road, I do my best not to answer him much.

"You look...fine," he says awkwardly.

"Yeah."

Glancing at me for a second, he darts his eyes on the road again. "We are going to have fun."

"Hmm."

He sighs, letting it go. I am glad he doesn't expect me to talk because I don't feel like it. Thoughts don't leave my side this evening and I feel anxious every second we get closer to school. I am not ready to face him. I felt like I was while at home but right now, the last thing I need to see his foreign-looking eyes. It's like a home once had been mine is now sold.

He stops when we are there. I can see, from a distance, the party place and all those white decorations. Also, a pile of people hanging out together. I don't notice Richard open my door and extend his hand at me. I don't protest, taking it and getting out of the car. Once I set foot on the ground, I take a deep breath.

I hope I look good enough tonight.

Folding my arm with his, we start walking towards the crowd. As we get close enough to distinguish people's face, my eyes start to search for a specific one. I see Stella at the table of snacks and drinks, and she lifts her gaze and grins when she sees me-until her eyes slide to my side and notice her enemy. Then, she looks down, minding her own business again.

"He is not here," Richard leans and whispers. "Yet."

I look at him suspiciously. "You sure he's coming?"

"Yes," he says firmly and I decide to trust him with that.

He smiles at familiar people and I really want to stay alone for a while so I use the opportunity to get rid of him. "I'll have a drink," I say, and leave without he can say anything. He sighs and heads to his friends' table while I walk and pour myself a drink. Stella looks at me, and then behind, at Richard.

"You came," she starts off, taking a sip of her non-alcoholic drink. "With him."

I shrug, and take a mouthful sip as well. I am not in the mood to explain myself - not even to myself. I look around to see Calvin but he's not come yet. People seem content, drinks in hand and laughters-I wonder how they can look so happy while I struggle to feign a smile. They don't feel my pain, as I don't feel their happiness. "Is Calvin coming?"

"Dunno," she says.

"I thought he might come with you."

She looks at me and sighs. "We haven't been in good terms with him," she says finally. "After I told him he should make it up with you."

I turn at her and frown. This is something I don't expect from Stella. "You told him that?"

She shrugs, looking ahead. "I am really guilty, Jack," she explains. "And I wanted to do something to fix that."

I completely understand where she is coming from. Guilt is one of the worst feelings in the world, that I have learnt lately. You do things to make it go away but if you're in too deep, it never leaves you alone. And I, unlike her, have been at the bottom for sometime now. We just stay like that, still and gazing around, until I break the silence again. Not because I'm so fond of Stella or the conversation but to keep myself sane until Calvin shows up. "Did you like Lauren?"

"She's a nice girl," she says. "We have met a couple of times after that, she introduced me to her friends as well."

"Nice."

"Yeah." She smiles. "Thank you, Jack. You stood up for me, and that is one of the reasons why I wanted to fix your relationship with Calvin other than the guilt. You love each other, and I hate to see it going to waste."

Talking about my life-which has been a waste in general-makes me nervous and uncomfortable. So, I tell her to let it go. She accepts immediately, who would want to talk about my depressive love life? My eyes flicker over to where Richard stands with his friends, happy and fine, and it makes me wonder why he'd loved me in the first place. While he had lots of candidates. Then, I thought, he hasn't chosen me himself and he wouldn't if he had a chance. It is the thing about love; it's like stepping into a room, blind and picking someone. And the moment you regain your sight, everything feels too late because you're already there. I think he is at that stage, where he feels regretful for wanting me in the first place. One way or another, everyone wants to run away from me and my life.

Suddenly, the music starts and I see boys and girls start dancing in the middle as if it's been what they all have been waiting for. Stella glances at me, and I automatically look back. We duck our heads at the direction when someone speaks up. It's Eric from my literature class and he looks at Stella as if he is ready to eat her - ew. "Stella," he says after a while. "Would you like to dance?" She glances at me in a scared way but then, nods with a sigh. I watch them finding their place among the dancers and Eric wrapping his arms around her waist.

I look around to see Calvin but there is no trace of him yet. I lose my hope gradually, maybe Richard lied to me again. I suddenly squeeze my hand into a fist, and takes a big gulp from my drink. I've made the effort for nothing - he won't show up. Why would he?

"Jack," someone says distantly and I spin around, meeting Richard's eyes. He extends his hand, and my eyes dart on his inviting hand. "Dance with me." I look up at him again. Calvin isn't here and I feel so bored - maybe a dance wouldn't kill me. I take his hand and a pleased smile appears on his face. I let him lead me through the crowd, taking my hand with one and wrapping the other around my waist, pulling me closer to him that making me put my chin on his shoulder.

We start wavering slowly, my eyes simultaneously skimming around in case Calvin suddenly shows up.

"How are you enjoying?" Richard asks, his breath fanning over my ear.

I withdraw to face him, and stare daggers at him. Is he kidding me? "I am not."

"I'm glad you came," he blurts out. "I mean, it's nice to have you around."

"Enjoy it while it lasts - I'm going."

"You had to remind, don't you?" He says laughingly. Then, he clears his throat, looking at me with intense eyes. "I will miss you."

"I bet." We don't speak for a while. I know I am pushing him so hard and being harsh but I can't help it. I feel the need to destroy everything I touch - and he is one of them. I don't even deserve his love. I don't deserve anything good in this world. "I'll miss you too," I say suddenly, being sincere about it. "You've been there for me when you didn't need to."-he opens his mouth-"No, I know. You did them because you love me. Thanks for loving me, Ric. I won't return the feelings, not now or ever, but it's fine to know that you find me worth it, you know."

He just looks at me for a while, dazed and slightly surprised of what I've just said. I feel like he deserves to know it. "I am sorry, Jack," he says in return. "For ruining your life and...your chance with Calvin. I thought if I make something, you might actually love me. I've done it the wrong way and I tried to get rid of Calvin but I now get that it's not about Calvin. It's about the chemistry, or the electricity between us. It seems like it only managed to create a spark in me, your heart wants more."

"I am sorry," I say instead. I feel sorry for not returning his feelings - I deserve him somehow. At least more than I deserve Calvin Gilmore.

His eyes slide behind me, and he smiles softly, looking back at me. "Go and get him, okay?" I turn swiftly to see Calvin standing with a drink in hand, his eyes focused on it, and he seems so out of world at that moment.

"Thank you," I whisper, turning back and heading to where Calvin is. I pause for a fleeting moment and take a deep breath while he hasn't seen me yet. Seconds later, I am there but I don't know what to say. I should say something though, to see if there is anything left to save.

At that moment, something dawns on me. I've changed. Not like I was a villian and now I'm a hero change. Or the-good-boy-made-me-good kind. It's I-turned-to-my-old-self change. I've become shy again, still headstrong and rude when necessary, but around Calvin, I was not different than a shy cat. Especially now, I don't know how to interact with him. What if's are killing me slowly. What if he doesn't want to talk? What if he does call me a slut again?

I shake my head to dismiss the negative thoughts. I am going to talk and tell him that I am going. He will forgive me, because he loves me too. I know it. I won't let pride win over this love, the love I so want to believe in.

"Hey," I breathe when I reach him. He takes another sip, then glances at me with confused eyes. Seemingly he doesn't believe I might talk to him, so he looks around, probably to check if I am talking to someone else. When he realises we are all alone, his eyes meet mine once again.

"Hi," he replies flatly.

I don't mull over my words while talking. I want to say everything I can in the limited time we have. "Glad you made it."

A laugh escapes from his lips, careless, and shrugs. "I was in my car for half an hour. I am here because my parents insisted I should attend because it's my prom. I will probably return now because this prom sucks."

I feel a dagger in my heart, each word it gets deeper into there and makes it hard to breathe. "Yeah, it is," I say, feigning a laugh, just for the sake of agreement.

He rolls his eyes, in turn getting to his feet and turning his back to me. There is nothing to save, my heart whisper, it's all gone. I gulp down with disappointment but then, with a new flame, I remind myself it doesn't end until I say it does. "Calvin," I yell after him and he spins back at me with questioning eyes. "I am leaving. For good."

His eyebrows knit together; either due to the absurdness of it or something else. "For college?" He asks.

"To Brighton," I explain. "I'll leave with my grandma there."

"Sounds great, Jack,"-he smiles kindly-"I'm so happy for you. Are you taking a gap year?"

"Nope, I - I was never for college anyway." He nods knowingly. "What about you?" I ask hopefully. He doesn't tell me to stay yet; but he will. He has to.

"I'm here," he says, shrugging. "Medicine school."

"You always wanted it," I say. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," he murmurs. We stand like that for a while, staring at each other, clueless to what to say next. "Goodbye," he says with another kind smile. A smile, while kind, that also hurts. Deeply. Madly. If he's gotten mad at me, or called me slut, maybe I wouldn't be this sad. I would be able to hate him - blame him for everything. But this way, he's the kindest and nicest and he is leaving me. He accepts that I leave him, too. He clearly tells me to go to my way and stay out of his. But I can't.

I don't know a world that doesn't coexist with his. I can't imagine a day that I don't breathe the same air or see the same sky. I want him to be with me, as selfish as it is, and I remind myself it doesn't end until I say it does.

Now he is walking to his car, not even glancing back once, and that's the moment I know he has given up on me. He has given up on us. Albeit he told me he will fight for me. He'll fight for it. Where is he now? While I am killing myself every day, where is he to save me from myself? He lied to me - he lied to us.

I run after him, with the last energy I have left in me, and reach him before he gets into car. He is astonished to see me again, while I reach the passenger door and put my hand on top of the car. Out of breath, I look at him, against his eyes that awaits for an answer. "You are stupid," I snap loudly. He just stares at me with wild eyes. "You are so stupid,"-my voice fails and starts to crack up-"that you can't see."

"Can't see what?"

"All you have to do is to say it - say one word to make me stay."

"You made your mind," he yells back. "You said you are leaving. Not might or should. It was a certain thing."

I let out a breathy laugh. "And you didn't fight it - you said you would."

"Jack,"-he sighs, rubbing his temple-"please don't make it hard both of us. I am leaving now, and good luck with your life." I just stare for a while. He doesn't want me. He doesn't.

Oxygen gives up on me. My body gives up on me. Life gives up on me.

He gets into his car, pulling the door open. Suddenly awake by the sound of the slam, I quickly open the passenger door and get in as well. He glances at me, rolling his eyes and sighing, then put his head on the steering wheel. "Go," he demands. "Please."

"You will listen to me," I say, surprised by the sudden confidence of myself. "Because I am not finished yet."

"I don't want to hurt you, Jack," he says in a tired one.

"We've fucked up, Cal, we are at the bottom. That is fine, you hate me. You gave up on me. You want nothing to do with me but I,"-I start crying-"I can't get over you. I tried. Seriously. But impossible."

His face softens when he looks at me again, and he reaches forward to wipe off my tears. "I can't," he whispers. "I can't forgive you, Jack."

Between the sobs, I lean over, grabbing his face in my hands and crashing his lips onto mine. It feels so natural, so fucking good to kiss him again. And he doesn't pull back. His hand cups the nape of my neck and a moan escapes from my lips.

I don't remember when I missed something or someone as much as I missed Calvin Gilmore.

When he breaks the kiss, after a while that seems like forever but ends anyway so I lose my belief in forever once again, he struggles with breathing. He looks at me like before, or I want to believe he does, until he opens up his mouth. "Get out."

"B - but you kissed me back," I stammer, taken aback.

"Like a goodbye kiss. It was a goodbye kiss."

I look at the person before me in disbelief - he is in denial. He loves me, too. "You love me, too."

In turn, as an answer, he takes his seatbelt and starts the car. Next, he is driving away from the prom. He is driving fast-it scares me to death-and I don't know where we are going. "What are you doing?"

He grips the wheel tighter, his eyes on the road, and his jaw tightens. "I don't know," he yells and this is the first time I've ever seen him out of control. He is trembling with frustration as he talks. "I don't know why I can't stay strong when it comes to you. I don't know why I can't fully hate you after everything. I don't know why I can't say no to you." He starts crying-and I know I should feel guilty but all I feel is love. And how angelic he sounds even while crying. "I want to hate you, but you're freaking right. I still love you - dang it - I still love you as I did in day one."

"Why do you resist it?" I yell back, my eyes on the road horrified. The speed reaches a dangerous number. "Calvin, slow down, we are so fast."

"I am a proud person, Jack, you've hurt me. You've cheated on me. I can't stomach it and take you back, you understand?"

"We can talk," I say softly, but still horrified. He seems so out of control-he needs to slow down now. "Stop. Now."

And the thing happens - it's like a movie scene. Suddenly, a car appears on the road from the opposite way and it's too late to slow down. It's too late to blink. So I do the first thing that comes to my mind. Grab the steering wheel and pull it to right.

I hear the front crash onto something hard - and I hit my head against the glass. It breaks-I hear it-and it suddenly feels so numb while I should feel pain instead. I can't even look at Calvin but for a while, nobody says anything.

It's a blur.

"Jack," he suddenly speaks up. He coughs and glances at me. With the scene in front of him, he might be shocked thus he pulls me to himself and turns my head at his direction. His eyes slide onto my forehead, which I guess is bleeding, and he touches it with trembling hands. "Jack," he whispers again. Then, his eyes flicker onto my eyes. He looks worried and scared. "Don't sleep."

"I,"-cough-"am dying." I don't feel like speaking and my eyes are shutting down.

"No," he whispers, almost crying. "No you can't." He knows it's true, he doubts it. "Just don't sleep, okay? I'll get help."

"I can't keep my eyes open," I hum.

"It's okay," he says, breathing. "J - just try to stay awake." His hand caresses my cheek and I try to memorise the remark his touch leaves on me. I want to stay like this forever, and for the first time, it feels real. Reachable.

"Tell me something," I murmur again, as hoarse as a breath, hoping he can hear me. "Anything." I grab his hand when I feel his presence away from me. "Please."

He takes a deep breath. I know he's still staring at me even though my eyes are shut. I feel like collapsing, I try my best not to dive into the depths of unconsciousness. "It was eleventh grade," he starts off. "when I first noticed that girl at lunch. She looked alone, but content with that. It attracted my attention that she seemed tough and unlike the others. I wanted to meet her, and I started to ask people about her. The answers were usually same, 'she's the bitch'. I didn't believe any of them."-he pauses-"Are you with me?"

"Hm-hmm."

"Then one day Richard punched her." The girl he was talking about was me. "And as awkward as it sounds, it was the opportunity-my opportunity-to finally meet her. She was tough, rude but it pulled me to her while it should have pushed me away. She was beautiful, and she was aware of it. She wasn't insecure, at least not on the front, but I knew something was wrong, lonely about her. I wanted to dig into her life, find the mistakes and fix them. I wanted to make everything alright for her. I was in love even before I got to know her completely."

"Stop," I say with everything I've had. And it really consumes more than I thought it would. "That girl,"-cough-"broke your heart."

"But she was the one who made me notice it exists in the first place."

"I love you," I murmur, thinking he'd still hear me. "I love you with all I have."

"I love you, too."

"Forgive me."

He doesn't say anything. For a second or more. I lose track of time-it passes so quickly, yet so slow. "I do," he replies finally with a determined tone.

"Thank you." I cough again, this time more loudly. "I've always loved you," I say. "It's always been you."

"Jack, stop talking like you're dying,"-his voice jerks-"you are going to live."

"Now I understand," I say laughingly, followed by a low cough.

"What?" He asks but he doesn't know I can't continue because I'm already there, at the beginning of the end. "What, Jack, what?" He asks again, impatient. "No."

I can't answer-and I can't hear no more either. I am finally pulled into the darkness, the depth of something. The beginning of the end.

But I don't want to hold it there, the rest of the sentence I wanted to tell him all along.

You are worth the fight.

THE END

***

FINAL NOTE:

CONGRATULATIONS!

You have survived through lots of plot twists, Jack's sarcasm & misery, Calvin's coldness & sweetness, Richard's obsessive love and the ending. I am sorry for putting you through this just because of my obsession with realism.

Calvin would have forgiven her before. But to me, he's been always a proud boy and in real life, cheating isn't a thing people stomach and it shouldn't be.

I believe the characters were realistic enough and I set the storyline into a logical base.

I know some of you hated them and you are right. I would hate them, too if
I wasn't the one who wrote, you know. But I always thought of this as an experiment. Like think about it: if I wrote this story from Calvin's perspective, you may have found him right because he is cheated and it wouldn't hurt so much when he insulted Jack. Because she would be a bad character. And if in Richard's, all of you would hate Calvin Gilmore. Because he does. Fascinating, isn't it?

I can't believe I finished my first full-length novel, which is exactly 78,215 words (longer than TFIOS), and that it reached many reads! This book was first of many firsts for me with its readers, concept and all. I love my characters endlessly, no matter what you think. They are real, fallible and fragile. I think this final chapter is my favourite of all, because of the writing.

This was an open ending. The possibilities are endless. Jack may have never made it after that accident or maybe she survived at the hospital. She collapsed there but it doesn't mean she died. If you want her to live or die, it's okay. If you want her to be with Calvin, it's more than okay. Richard? It can happen as well. Whatever you want, you can fit it in.

Thanks everyone who has been here for me during the journey! You guys are the one who kept me motivated. I tried my best to dedicate chapters to every dedicated readers but I know there are more of you so I send you my eternal love!

See you in another journey!