"Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day."
― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

Dedication: impediments (for being the amazing cabinmate and having a hot camera roll.)

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CHAPTER THIRTY

The death march plays in my ears.

I am drowning with an anchor tied to my feet. It yanks me into deeper and I realise it when it's too late. It's as if someone trapped me but I was so blind to see it. I've fallen so deeply into darkness.

I should've told him. I should have told him when he asked me how I felt - I kept saying fine. Fuck me.

I stop walking when I am at Calvin's door. I try to breathe but oxygen suffocates me, burns my lungs in a level that I can actually feel them on fire. A sudden earthquake shakes my legs and tries to sweep me off my feet and it nearly succeeds before I lean on the door to keep my balance.

He might forgive you, a voice inside my head says but it's hoarser than a whisper. It's not as loud as before because even hope is giving up on me - on a girl who fucked up everything she's ever had. Even my demons are quite. They must be so ashamed of me.

Love is the tough path. I've never believed I was the tough girl, anyway. Even though I wear a shell of iron; I'm made of glass. And before I realised, the fire melt the iron, leaving me off guard. I have nothing against love now and I let it tear me into pieces.

I'm so guilty, stupid and shameful. I am everything I never wish to be. I'm my nightmare.

Standing at his door makes me nervous. Should I really try to confront him? I'm naked now - what can I even say to him? Apologise? He warned me before, he told me that I shouldn't trust Richard. I didn't want to hear him, I thought he was jealous. He was just warning me.

Taking another breath, I knock on the door as if it's my lifeline. Minutes later, I am welcomed by Sue in front of me. She looks at me as before, she doesn't know yet. She smiles at me intently and I try my best to feign a smile. "Jackie Cookie," she says, "Calvin didn't say you were going to come."

"He didn't know," I say, after a few coughs to sustain my voice. "It's a surprise."

"Oh," she says knowingly. "I shouldn't tell him then?"

"Where is he?"

She looks behind and her mouth takes the shape of 'o' with remembrance. "With that blonde girl - Stella, right? - in his room."

"What do they do?"

"Project or something," she answers. Then, she gestures me in by grabbing my lower arm with her tiny hands. "Why don't you come in? We can break into the room."

"No," I say firmly as I step inside. "Why don't we hang out instead? Together...until they are done?"

She looks at me when we come to the living room, sitting on the couch and her eyebrows knit together with a frown. "But you're more important."

I let out a fake smile - it feels like giving away a slice of my soul. "Yeah but I also came here for you."

"Did you?" She exclaims, biting her bottom lip and pulling me into a tight hug. "Jackie, I love you as my big sister," she mumbles when her head is against my chest. I play with her soft hair and listen to her breaths. "You are amazing."

"I love you, too," I say, trying to hold back my tears. "I'm always here for you, Sue, okay? Whatever happens between me and your brother - you can always come to me."

She looks up at me, confused. "Nothing will ever happen between you two. You are true love." Then, she gets off my chest and her huge eyes wander on my face. "What happened?"

"Nothing, darling." I smile. "It's just...nothing."

She looks so unconvinced but she doesn't push it. Her eyes slide behind me and her face lightens up. "Look at that, they are done."

In a swift manner, I turn my head back to see Calvin's eyes meet mine. There is a lump in my throat and it makes me suffocate. Sue stands up and runs to his brother, hugging him. His hands wrap her shoulders as if to message that I shouldn't touch her or shouldn't be here. Then, I notice Stella beside him, with some books in her hand and she smiles at me. She is the fucking devil. I hate her.

You are the devil, my mind reminds, you don't deserve him.

Sue's cute voice breaks the silence. "Jackie wanted to make a surprise to you."

"She surely did," Calvin says but I know what he's implying for when he looks at me afterwards with the same glance he threw in the corridor earlier.

I stand up. "We need to talk," I say and it sounds so shaky and weak. "Please."

"I'm going Calvin," Stella cuts me off. "See you later at school." Shooting a last glance at me, she leaves. I know the only thing that holds Calvin is Sue. He's that close to kick me off but without a word, he ascends the stairs. Sue looks at us and she clearly suspects something yet she doesn't say a word as I follow him through his room. He pushes the door open and enters in, which makes me pause for a second and think if I should get in. He walks and stares at the window for a while, his back facing me and I stand at the door awkwardly.

"Why did you come?" He asks, his voice so foreign and cold that it freezes me there. All I see his back and the right half of his face.

A good question. "I-"

He spins around to face me. "Or I changed my mind. I don't want to know why. Can you please leave?" Still so foreign. So far away like the other corner of the world. The emphasis on please burns my eyes.

I pause for a second, just staring at the person before me, who I've thought I know like the back of my hand. He looks so cold - as if he is almost a different person. A thought passes by at the back of my mind: I have to explain myself. "No," I say suddenly with a sudden confidence burst. I hurry to the door, locks the door and shove the key out. Turning at him, I hold the key in my fist.

"Jack, give it to me and leave. I don't want to hurt you." His look is still cold but now, mixed with confusion.

I can't help a breathy laugh escaping my mouth. "We gotta talk." I tuck the key beneath my bra and in turn, show my palms at him. "Look, it's gone. You'll have to touch me to get it back."

He walks up at me and stops when we are eye to eye. I can see the fire in his eyes. "How do you know I won't?" He says daringly but I know he won't. He would never touch me without my permission.

"Because you're Calvin Gilmore."

He laughs humorlessly and backs away. He doesn't speak until he's back beside his window and now his face is turned to me. "Okay, then talk. What do you want to talk? I don't want to know how good the night was, for example. Pass that. Oh, care to explain for how long you've been fooling me?" His sarcasm is venomous.

"I don't remember the night! I don't..." I sigh, not bothering to finish that sentence. "I was so drunk, Calvin and it was just because you were so busy for me because of Stella!"

"Is this where you blame me for all the things you've done? You've been hanging out for weeks and I didn't know it. Now, you tell me it was because of me. What caused that, Jack, please be honest. My sincerity or my foolish love?"

"How do you know that? That - that we have hung out."

He laughs. "I tell you I know it and you ask me how instead of explaning why." He looks at me stone-faced again. "Richard collected enough evidence for me to believe - next time be careful about who you're hooking up with."

"You're not this," I say in denial. "You - you can't be this rude."

"Why? Isn't it how you like it? Rude, strong and careless." And each word stings.

"I love you."

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "If this is how you love me, I don't want it Jack."

"I was so drunk. I don't remember. It meant nothing - for neither of us. Didn't he tell you?"

He looks at me in the eyes and at that moment, I feel like the old Calvin is back. Like he finally came to his senses and decided to forgive me because it was a tiny mistake - not to be repeated. Our love is more than that, I know it. He can't leave me just like that. With the following words out of his lips, I freeze. "When did you become a slut?"

"What?" I say, shocked.

"Is it how you comfort yourself now? That it means nothing?" He laughs with that venomous tone again. "You know what? You know me well - you know I won't touch you. But it's not because I can't. It's because I do nothing in this life that means nothing to me. Since I know my touch will mean nothing to you, I won't do it." His words are sharper than a knife. "You must be used to being touched by now." This is the last straw -

I walk and slap him in the face. Maybe he didn't deserve it, and I deserved all the things he said but no, I wasn't that cheap. His face falls to his side but he lifts it again to pierce his eyes into mine once again. "Fuck you," I whisper and a vague grin plays on his lips.

Do I really push off my limits that caused him to side with the devil?

Then, without another word, I unlock his door - it takes me a while with trembling hands - and storm out. I promise myself not to think about it, the conversation or him, because it makes me think even death is less painful comparing to the pain it makes me suffer from.

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