WORSHIPPING HANDS,          FINAN
chapter four.          a night in the empty church

          THE NIGHT CAME quicker than Elvina had realized,  her time with her child had busied her attention and by the time she had put Cian down for the night and dismissed the young girl who had been watching him,  the sun had already disappeared behind the hills and darkness consumed the sky.  Albeit tiredness becoming quite evident in her body and demeanor,  Elvina still felt a jittery feeling buzz in the back of her head as she hopelessly tried to fall asleep.  It had been a long time since the blonde woman had struggled to give in to the warm embrace of slumber and it had been even longer since she had visited the church of Winchester to rid of her harrowing thoughts.  So,  deciding that she has nothing else better to do,  Elvina stood from her sheets and delicately kissed the hair of her child's head before throwing on a coat and making her way to the empty church.

         ELVINA HAD ONLY been a girl of thirteen when she discovered that the church of Winchester was always vacant from two hours after sunset and three before sunrise.  She had,  yet again,  awoken from her sleep in the dead of night to only be welcomed by her seemingly never ending thoughts.  Her dreams always consisted of past memories with her Father,  happy and carefree,  or had included nightmares of everyone around her dying as a loud voice from above blamed her for the deaths of her loved ones.  Either way,  the way she awoke every night before leaving Winchester had been always the same.  Elvina would awake and the fear or happiness from her prior dreams would quickly be followed by thoughts of what they could mean or the questions of why she had been dealt this hand in life.  She began to seek solace in a place she could go to during times like these.  And the old vacant church provided just that after she stumbled upon the building one dark night. 

          ENTERING THE CHURCH had given Elvina much nostalgia as she looked up at the ceiling and pillars of the building.  Memories of times she spent there during the day and night had flooded her minds eye as she walked around the pews,  finger tips barely brushing the glazed wood.  A smile crept onto her face as she halted her movements,  her eyes moving from the objects within the church.  Many things hadn't changed within the four walled room,  bringing the young woman some comfort in the fact that this building was the only thing to have not altered or changed within her life. 

          A CREAKING SOUND had pulled the blonde from her focused gaze and towards the source of the noise,  pulling her dark coat tighter around her body in hopes that it would swallow her whole and conceal her from the sight of whoever caught her.

          "AH!  SORRY," A familiar accent called out into the dark,  freezing their movements as they saw the Princess' body tense from their intrusion.  "Didn't mean to frighten 'ya".

          A FEELING OF relief washed over Elvina's body as she realized it was only Finan who caught her,  a small huff of air escaping her lips. 

          "FINAN,  YOU GAVE me a scare.  What are you doing here this late?" She asked,  releasing her tight grip on her coat and watching as it unfurled from her body,  draping across her shoulders and arms. 

          FINAN SMIRKED,  FINGERS intertwining with themselves as his hands went behind his back.  "I could ask you the same,  Princess.  What are you doing here this late?" He repeated,  a chuckle gracing his lips for a small moment before he awaited Elvina's answer. 

           TO BE FRANK,  Finan had never stopped visiting the church.  He went nearly every night that he couldn't sleep and that was most nights.  He found comfort in the empty building.  Finan and Elvina had spent a majority of their relationship there,  hiding away from the watchful eyes of Winchester's guards and her family.  He had many memories that were experienced within those four walls and being within the church was the closest thing he could get to being with his love once again. 

          "THE USUAL.  COULDN'T sleep," she smiled,  seating herself on one of the pews.  "Though,  I get plenty back in Devlin.  I do not know what it is about being back in Winchester that doesn't grant me rest.".

          "PERHAPS IT IS the air,  Princess.  Ever since you left,  it hasn't been the same," Finan replied,  striding towards the row behind Elvina and sitting himself down onto the wooden seat.  "But that could just be me.".

          A LIGHT BLUSH creeped up the woman's cheeks at the Irishman's words.  Even nearly two years of being apart,  he still managed to have an affect on her.  The man had a way with words that oft had Elvina in the palm of his hands.

          "MAYBE," SHE PONDERED,  fighting the urge to turn around to face the man behind her.  "But I do not think my absence has that much of an impact on the Winchester air,  Irishman".

          A CHUCKLE ESCAPED the man's lips as he shook his head.  Of course it does,  he thought,  at least for me.  Your absence impacts me daily,  Princess.

          "YOU ARE A Princess,  Ellie.  For every Princess Wessex loses,  another angel in heaven cries.  I'm sure of it," he responded.  A hint of jest was heard as he spoke,  masking the seriousness in his voice enough to make Elvina think and believe that he was only joking.

          "IF ONLY THAT were true,  Finan," Elvina whispered,  tilting her head slightly up towards the intricately painted church ceiling.  Tiny angels had decorated the stone above,  looking down at the man and woman currently seated underneath them as they seemingly floated in the air.  The concept of angels always brought Ellie a comfort of sorts.  The warmth and light they were rumored to have brought to those who have seen them was something she used to long for.  Perhaps she still does.

         "I HEAR THEM myself,  Princess" Finan whispered back,  leaning over a bit so the blonde could hear him clearly.

          THE PROXIMITY OF Finan's lips to her ear caused a shiver to go up and down Elvina's spine,  her body trying its best to not have an obvious reaction to how close the man was.  Hair stood on its end as he stayed in the position he was in,  ignoring the strain and soreness in his muscles as he continued to lean over.

          "ARE YOU SURE it isn't a side effect from all the ale you consume?" She poked,  her teasing smile on her face immediately faltering once she realized what she said.  That night flashing before her eyes.  Guilt consumed her being as it did so.

           "I'M SORRY,  FINAN.  I truly did not –".

           "IT'S ALRIGHT,  PRINCESS.  I should be the one to apologize.  It's been a long time since that night and I haven't properly expressed the way it had left me," Finan stated,  voice full of emotion as he tried not to openly cry in front of his ex–lover.

          ELVINA GENTLY SHOOK her head and turned towards the Irishman,  her own lips dangerously close to his face.  "We do not have to do this here right in this moment" she softly spoke,  tears already gathered at her waterline.

          "NO," FINAN SHOOK his head,  "I do...not know if I will get another opportunity like this.  To talk to you in this way,  in private.".

          FINAN HAD THOUGHT about that night everyday and guilt consumed every part of his being.  He refused to talk about it with Uhtred,  Sihtric,  and even Hild.  He kept what happened to himself and he could tell that it wasn't a healthy thing he should do.  There was no way that he'd pass up this opportunity to discuss this matter with Elvina.  He needed to talk to her so he could tell her what he had been keeping in for the past year and a half.

          THE NIGHT FINAN drunkenly shouted at her and demanded that she leave his home,  and ultimately his life,  had left Elvina with a crater sized hole in her heart.  She hadn't even discussed that night with Arthur.  She thought about it too often and spent many nights over analyzing what had happened,  essentially crying herself to sleep for some.  She had already came to terms with what had happened and that she'd never get the closure that she so desperately craved.  But now that Finan was discussing what happened that night,  all of the emotions she felt previously had boiled to the surface once again.

          "THE THINGS THAT I said that night,  I did not mean them.  Truly.  I did not." He began,  nerves overtaking his conscious as his brain scrambled for the right words for Elvina to forgive him.  "I had gone to Uhtred that night to ask for his blessing.  And he refused me.  He had told me that you were already promised to another man and that he couldn't do anything to stop it,  no matter how many times I begged him to that night.  I decided to drown my sorrows in ale and I knew that once the liquid touched my lips, it was a mistake.  I was so blinded by...anger to think properly.".

          "I WAS ANGRY because you were no longer going to be mine.  Because you were being treated like a pawn in your Uncles game of King.  Because you were being auctioned off to a man who doesn't deserve you.  Because I could no longer love you the way I want to.  You touched every inch of my soul and it still craves it every night.  You became such an important part in my life,  intertwined your very being into my own that it physically pained every nerve in my body to let you go.  I knew that I had no power to convince Alfred to let me marry you instead,  nor did I have the silver.  I thought that the best thing to do was to make you angry at me so it'd be easier for you to move on and live happily with a man that could get you whatever you wanted with a snap of his fingers.  I knew you didn't know but I needed you to hate me so it'd give me an excuse to let you go.  I needed you to hate me so I had an excuse to hate myself.  I couldn't give you what you deserved and you deserve the world and more.  I'm sorry for saying all those awful things to you. I want you to know that I did not mean a word I said.".

TEARS ROLLED DOWN Elvina's warm cheeks as she processed what the Irishman in front of her said.  For nearly two years she thought that Finan meant what he spoke.  Albeit him being very much drunk,  she still thought that his words had true meaning behind it.  She often heard that ale gave the consumer courage to speak their mind freely with no filter.  She thought it fit for the situation.

          "I KNOW THAT the feelings you had for me were genuine and true. That you didn't just play with my heart nor treat me as a toy for your entertainment. No amount of apologies will ever grant me your forgiveness but I needed to let you know. Let you know that I still love you.  My heart has only been filled by you.  You never left it,  Ellie.".

A SOB BROKE through the softness of Elvina's lips as she absorbed the words of her past lover. She had so desperately needed to hear those words exit from his mouth for the past year and a half. She craved the comfort of knowing that what he said was something he came up with in order to get her away so it'd be easier to deal with the pain. That he honestly did not mean anything that he muttered in his drunken stupor. That he still loved her as she did him.

"YOU DON'T KNOW how long I've waited to hear those words from you, Finan," she croaked out, leaning over the wooden pew between the two of them, taking his face into her hands as her bottom lip quivered in either sadness or the need to connect them with Finan's.

THE IRISHMAN IN front of her frowned at the tears that ran down his Princess' face and the sobs that escaped her throat, hands reaching out to bring her face into his hands as well, thumbs brushing against her raw cheeks as he wiped away the hot tears that ran down her face. "I am so sorry that I caused you this much pain, Ellie. You don't know how many times I wanted to ride to Devlin and tell you how I really felt. How much I wanted to sweep you off your feet even and take you away".

FINAN CHUCKLED AT his last comment, resting his forehead against the woman in front of him, her copying his actions.

"I'M SURE NO one would've objected if you had," she whispered in reply, a small smile gracing her lips as she subconsciously scratched at Finan's beard.

"I SEE YOU kept the beard, huh?" She teased, giggling at the rough sensation of the course hairs against her fingertips. "But got rid of your long hair. I actually liked it that way".

          IT WAS ACTUALLY one of the first things Elvina had noticed about the man when she had seen him after all this time.  All of his long hair had been cut off and the only thing left was a small amount of hair that was uniform in length and had been cut quite close to the skin of his scalp.

"OH, I KNOW how much you liked it," Finan shot back, chuckling.

ELVINA LIGHTLY GASPED as she pulled away from the Irishman's gentle grip, "We are in a church, Finan! You cannot utter such words inside a house of God".

"BEING INSIDE A church hasn't stopped us before, my heart," he grumbled out, playfully biting the hand that was intertwined with his beard.

THE BLONDE WOMAN loudly squealed as she hurriedly pulled her hand away from Finan's face, tucking it behind her back. "You are being such a child right now, Irishman! What would God think of your behavior?".

FINAN MADE A playful swipe at Elvina, causing her to jump up from her seat and take a few steps back in order to avoid the man's advancements on trying to grab her. He copied her movements and stood up as well, trying to get closer to her.

"PROBABLY NOT ANYTHING good. But that's what prayin' and repentin's for, my love," he replied, "I spent many a nights on my knees, but not in the act of asking the Lord for forgiveness".

"FINAN!" ELVINA EXCLAIMED as she picked up on the sexual innuendo, heat creeping up her cheeks as she continued to shuffle away.

THE IRISHMAN LUNGED at the Princess and caught her in his arms, wrapping the limbs around her midsection as he pulled her into his front and playfully pretended to attack her neck with small growls. Elvina shrieked out giggles as she tried to push away the man from her sensitive neck, laughing so hard that tears escaped her lips in a more happier manner.

"WHY DO YOU always do this?" She shrieked, "You are such a child, Finan!".

THE TALLER MAN snorted out a laugh as he pulled his face away from the Elvina's neck and stared at the woman in his arms lovingly. Being with her was something that occurred so naturally to Finan. It wasn't something that he had to think about. He just knew that Elvina was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, even if it was something they had to hide and keep under wraps.

"COME WITH US. Come to Coccham with Uhtred, Sihtric, and I. We're plannin' on attempting to get Lunden back into Merican hands," he suggested, hope twinkling in his eyes. "You could convince your Husband to allow you to come with him on the journey. You can even bring the little lad!". Finan had hesitated with the phrase husband as he spoke. Even thinking of the word made his stomach twist in knots.

"YOU DON'T EVEN have to join us to Lunden or on the battlefield. You can stay in Coccham with Gisela and her children, where it's safe. I just...don't want to part from you this soon," he continued,  "I do not think my heart could take it".

FINAN'S SUGGESTION MADE Elvina consider what he uttered. She had known that the two Dane brothers had done something to upset her Uncle and test Uhtred's loyalty to the English throne. If Alfred was looking for more bodies to join the potential war they were getting into, there was no doubt that Ælflynn and Arthur had already agreed to become apart of the cause. That was if the King had approached the two and consoled them regarding his hope and plan for Lunden.

"IF ALFRED HAD already approached Arthur and his cousin, then there's no way they didn't already agree to whatever he has planned," she smiled. "I'm sure if I bring it up to Arthur, he'll happily allow me and Cian to tag along. Someone's going to have to watch after you lot anyway. I'm sure this Gisela is tired of the three of you and all the trouble you managed to get into".

FINAN PRETENDS TO be wounded at her last statement, placing a hand over his heart as his mouth stood slightly agape. "I'd never, Princess. I'm an angel. I swear!".

ELVINA ONLY SHOOK her head at his response, giggling at his actions. She dearly missed these types of interactions they had and it felt too surreal that they were spending time together once again after what seemed like forever. But she'd take what she could get at the moment and just soak it all in before having to go back to her chambers and act like she doesn't know who Finan was outside of this church. The building had always been their refuge of sorts and it was providing them much shelter from the outside world in this moment as the pair stood in the middle of the church and held each other in their arms.

THE NIGHT HADN'T been long enough for the pairs liking as the roosters began to crow and shriek at the suns first light, causing the two to separate and go back to their current lives that held no room for the other. Finan and Elvina departed mournfully as they both spoke of promise of seeing one another soon, hopefully sooner than either of them anticipated. And with their departure, their meeting spot had begun to fill with priests, nuns, and devout Christians for early morning mass, their presence within the church long forgotten as new bodies took their places in the pews.

authors note!
— this entire chapter is dedicated to
vintagechaosxx since i've caused her a lot
of emotional distress w/ this book <3
i also tried my best to describe a buzz cut
(s2 finan's hair) without mentioning the
word buzz cut since i don't think they called
the hairstyle that during their time.  so
just to clarify if anyone's confused lol
i feel like i rushed the ending since i
wanted to add more but i want them
to be a slowburn a first since they just
made up.  sorry if it seems like i did 😪
anyway,  hope you all enjoyed it! 🫶🏼