Startle: To cause (a person or animal) to feel sudden shock or alarm

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Coward.

Why else would you abandon Narnia?

Coward.

Coward. Coward. Coward. The words ring through Caspian's head.

He hates them mostly because they're true.

He knows they are.

He doesn't want them to be. He can't breathe.

Even now, even now when he feels like he's drowning and he can't breathe he can't breathe. Even now, he's silent.

He doesn't know where exactly he is. Somewhere in the house, yes. He's been here before. But his surroundings are hazy.

Peter's wrong, he tells himself. He can't and doesn't understand — his family loves him. Miraz doesn't — didn't. Miraz is dead. Caspian is in England, not in Narnia.

He stares into the sink, knuckles white on the edge to match the ceramic. There are one, two, three, four chips along the rim. The metal grate covering the drain is starting to rust.

The door opens behind him, but he doesn't turn. He knows there are still tear- tracks down his cheeks, and he has to clean them up. Instead, he speaks to the only person who could have found him. "Should I have stayed in Narnia, Sanya? Could I have gotten over Miraz that way?"

The answering cough is definitely not Sanya's. He scrubs desperately at his eyes and spins to face Edmund. "Er, ignore that. I'm not — I wasn't — thinking." Caspian debates whether it's worth sliding past Edmund to escape to his room. Probably not, seeing as it's also Edmund's. Maybe he could go to the glade?

"I'm glad you didn't stay in Narnia." Caspian's gaze snaps back to Edmund with the even words. "Sanya really likes you, and I think you are brave. Ignore whatever Peter says, he's blind as a bat in most human interactions." Edmund keeps talking and steps into the bathroom enough to close the door, but Caspian doesn't focus entirely on it. He tries to control his breathing —in two three four, out two three four— and shifts his feet back away from the defensive stance he'd fallen into instinctively. He can't be weak like this in front of Edmund. If it had been Sanya, he could have forgiven himself, but he doesn't know Edmund.

The bell for meals rings, and Caspian drags himself back to Edmund's words. "Let's go up to supper, yeah?" Caspian nods as he drags a hand over his face once more to make sure there is no chance of anyone else witnessing his weaknesses. "You look fine," Edmund tells him softly, and holds the door open for Caspian when they walk out. Edmund doesn't comment on the way Caspian twists to keep his back away from Edmund in the narrow doorway.

They don't speak as they walk to the dining room. Sanya is already sitting down — next to Peter. There are two empty seats beside her. She glances from Edmund to Caspian and then back to Edmund, eyebrows raising. Peter doesn't look away from his conversation with Professor Kirke. Sanya beckons them over, and Edmund puts Caspian in between himself and Sanya.

That supper is blessedly silent for Caspian. Edmund talks some with Eric, Noah, and Elizabeth, sitting directly across from Sanya, Caspian, and Edmund respectively. But Caspian isn't expected to speak in any of it, so he can eat and listen and slow his heartbeat.

~~~

The next few days are hell for Peter. Sanya keeps trying to get him to apologize to Caspian. She tries to be subtle about it, but she isn't. Edmund seems to find it necessary to physically put himself between Peter and Caspian whenever they are in the same room.

The next few days are rough for Caspian. Oscar pops up randomly, and Caspian can't brace himself for it anymore. He jumps out of his skin when Olivia runs up to him, for the Lion's sake. Why can't he just be stronger?

The end of the winter break for Peter and Edmund has never felt so close or so far away.

~~~

Caspian has nightmares. Peter doesn't know how he didn't realize before.

Peter's been lying up at night, trying to get a moment to himself. Between Caspian's careful isolation, Edmund's disappointed gaze whenever Peter and Caspian are in the same room, and Sanya's determination to side with Caspian —as if there are sides at all— God knows Peter needs the peace.

Caspian takes a long time falling asleep. When he does, the only tell is that his breathing evens out for a short time until the nightmares, which bring Caspian to quick but quiet pants. Peter can't be certain, but he thinks Caspian is pleading with someone.

Tonight's nightmare is different from the others Peter has observed since he snapped at Caspian because Caspian is moving in his bed. Usually, he lies still as stone. But tonight he doesn't go ten seconds without tossing and turning.

Goosebumps freckle Peter's arms, the kind one gets when one is doing something forbidden. Edmund is with Sanya tonight, as Peter expected, but it doesn't make this easier. He debates waking Caspian up, but decides against it. He doesn't need to deal with more skittishness.

He lies awake for what must be a few hours, until he figures it alright to get up. He can function without sleep for one day, at least. He shouldn't, but there's no chance of him getting any sleep in this bed.

In the morning, Caspian has bags under his eyes. They're subtle, barely there, but present. Peter doesn't speak to him. He's gotten good at that. He doesn't want to be, part of him shouts. What happened to seeing Caspian's smile?

There must be some kind of higher power —though whether it is benevolent or malicious remains to be seen— because Peter finds himself in a position only a few days later where he has to talk to Caspian. It's a small matter, but Professor Kirke sent him to inform Caspian of the education he and Sanya will receive, based on the fact that neither is or can be registered in any British system. The Professor decided that since Peter and Edmund were due to go back to their school five days from now, it made most sense for Caspian and Sanya themselves to begin an English education.

By some stroke of luck —yet again, Peter questions Fate's intentions— Caspian is alone when Peter finds him. His back is to the door, and he doesn't look away from the map he's leaning over.

Without announcing his presence, Peter touches his shoulder.

Caspian flinches hard enough that he nearly knocks the paper off the table. He turns to Peter and seems to crumple in on himself as he half-stumbles back. One hand steadies the map, the other comes up to guard his chest. His head ducks in a way that Peter only ever saw on enemies on the Narnian battlefields, used as a last resort to protect the neck.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Peter is so foolish.

Of course Edmund's been disappointed. Of course Sanya's been siding with Caspian. Of course, of course, of course.

Peter officially hands himself the award for most foolish person ever.

He feels disgusting. He supposes he is disgusting.

"Er. The Professor — Professor Kirke wanted me to tell you that you should start some sort of English — British education next term. Er, when Edmund and I go back to our school. So, er, if there's something you want to study or, or focus on, you should think about that so you can speak — so you can tell Professor Kirke." He's a mess, looking anywhere but at Caspian's hands, still balled in defensive fists.

Caspian nods, eyes trained on a spot off the coast of Spain on the map. Part of his attention, if not all of it, must be on Peter, so he steps back carefully and brings his hands together behind his back. Caspian seems just as flustered as Peter, and while Peter would have loved to see Caspian's guard down in any other situation, Peter just feels nauseous right now.

Caspian flexes his hands out of the fists, forces his hand down from his chest —why did Peter sneak up on him like that, why?— and stammers out something about tidying the map before he goes to talk to the Professor about that.

Peter can't escape fast enough.

When Peter is gone, Caspian clutches his head and rocks back and forth on his heels for a minute. Focus on the map, he tells himself. He's not in Narnia, this is a map of Earth.

He's not in Narnia. He's in England. He's safe from Miraz here.

A/N:

Ahahaha you thought this was going to be Caspian and Edmund bonding time didn't you! Joke's on you, though (and me 😭), Caspian's too traumatized for that. We'll get there, folks. (Unless.)

Peter feels terrible, rightly so, because he really should have better people skills after 15 years being a King in Narnia.

Caspian feels terrible, less rightly, because he really doesn't deserve everything Miraz did to him.

Next chapter... first week of June?