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 CAN YOU SEE RIGHT
THROUGH ME?

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Despite the brightness outside that leaks on every corner of the room they are in, Czarina's vision was dim and blurry. Her pupils contract rapidly every now then, joined by a couple of shallow breaths that tightens her already aching chest. Even with the coldness that fills the air around, flimsy sweat covers her hands and neck. The blonde's empty gaze only broke off when Doctor Greene called out to the girl in a much louder tone.

"Czarina, are we still here?"

A long, shaky sigh escaped her pale lips. She leaned back on the couch. "Yes, ma'am."

"You were just telling me about your spring break. And I asked you a question." The doctor's curious gaze fixed on the client in front of her, a thin lipped smile stretches across her face.

"Why did you go after the Flagsmashers?"

Czarina heard it the first time around, and it made no difference after repeating it thrice now. She's still disinterested in entertaining it, much less giving a response. Not because she doesn't know what to say, it's the opposite to be exact.

"I saw some people try to connect them to my brother. I wanted to know why."

Her tone was slack, the hint of indifference obvious on the way she answered.

"Yes you said that. But why did you have to go after them?"

Both women's patience is thinning as the conversation progresses, though it's evident Alice has a better grasp of her emotions. Compared to the younger one whose downcast expression is slowly turning into a scowl.

"They were dangerous criminals who are causing a smear on my Levi's name." Czarina clicked her tongue, she let out a heavy sigh and crossed her arms over her chest. "Can you talk about something else?"

"What else is left to talk about?"

Alice's entire mood shifted in a less friendlier manner. For once she made a prolonged eye contact with Czarina, not blinking away as the younger one would have preferred.

"You disobeyed the court order not to meet your father without the judge's permission, you went to multitask foreign countries under an non sanctioned mission, you fought international terrorists on a foreign soil."

The doctor's words echoed on the walls of the office room. Causing Czarina to freeze on her spot, effectively bringing back her attention back to the older one.

Alice's voice lacks the usual warmth, instead it carries a certain sternness that Czarina is now only seeing. A silent, shaky breath leaves the older woman.

"So what do you think we are supposed to be talking about, Ms. Barnes?" Alice continued with the same gruff tone.

Czarina remained unresponsive, the disinterest in her demeanor only becoming more noticeable as each second passed by.

"That call was a mistake, I have nothing to talk about."

There was a long pause between the two. Alice is attempting to thread on her words lightly, the other can see that.

"It was not necessary for you to go out there."

That comment certainly sealed Czarina's full attention on the woman. Her eyes narrowed and focused on Alice, the girl places her gaze at the doctor as if she's observing a target to be taken out.

"Are you saying I chose to put myself out there, in danger just because I wanted to?" It sounded like a rhetorical question but the insinuation baffles Czarina more than she lets on. "Like I had no choice not to put myself out there."

"Your pardon has its contract and rules," Alice's tone didn't hold back to express her distaste on the matter they are talking about. "We have our own rules. And you dismissed all that in a whim. And for what? You want to make Europe your playground?!"

The words bounced on the emptiness of the room, as if forcing the Czarina to listen and absorb it. A dangerous light flickers behind the girl's blue eyes, and when she finally speaks the familiar accent of her mother tongue slips out of her lips.

"You know nothing about me or my reasons. You sit there and you talk to me for a few months and you think you know me, huh?" The younger fires back, leaning forward from the seat and making sure she's staring right at Alice's eyes when she says the next words:

"I did it for my brother, I did it to protect his name."

For a moment Czarina thought the answer would suffice and Alice would back off.

"Even you don't believe that."

She felt cornered. Hounded like a guilty criminal she was back when HYDRA had just fallen and they were being haunted by the Avengers.

"It wasn't necessary for you to get out of there and fight again, and you knew that. So why did you?"

I only know how to fight. Her own voice echoes in her head, the confession she made to her father months ago when their pardon was just given to them. Ever since then she hasn't looked back at what she said.

And perhaps she should have. Had she confronted that initial fear instead of trying to fill the void inside her by being a normal civilian, maybe she wouldn't need to chase criminals around Europe just so she could feel something after almost an entire year

"I'm done with this." Czarina stands up, teeth grinding and palms almost bleeding from her nails digging against it. She heads for the door, it took every bit of her strength not to slam it down from the hinges. Instead the young blonde jogs out of the clinic building, the wind outside blowing away the hot tears that stream down her cheeks.

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The stench of the city burns through her skin and bones, its poison on the insides. From where Czarina stands right now, at some abandoned rooftop at Hell's Kitchen area, the entire city rests just beneath her steps.

Once, New York was nothing but another location to spill blood on and leave a trail mark other work. A decade ago she would have walked in it for an extract and kill order and leave the place unscathed by its trivialities. It held no attachment to the girl.

Yet now she gazes at the city with a heaviness that drags the whole weight of the world in her shoulders. This is her courtroom. Her trial. This is where she is being tested whether she can find it herself to belong somewhere else other than the ashes of Red Room and HYDRA.

Bucky was born in New York, he belonged in this city a lifetime ago with Steve Rogers and he will belong to it for many lifetimes to come. This is home to him. Just like how it was home to her mother and brother during the time of the Avengers. The three of them have managed to place roots on the place Czarina feels so disconnected to. So what does it say about her?

Will she always be a weapon more than a girl who seeks the fight and could never settle for normality?

Maybe that's all she is. No wonder her father was so quick to agree with the terms of their pardon that the two of them will be separated. They are in the time of peace and security. He has his own demons to face after decades of his life stolen from him, having another entire life clinging to him for stability and belonging... that could have been too much.

Czarina is no longer a child. She's the not nameless little runt among the Red Room whom the Winter Soldier had to look after. Whatever crisis she's going through right now, she might as well as deal with it on her own. Her father had decades of baggage in him, he deserves to have his time of peace all to himself, Czarina is not going to make it easy by being the way she is right now.

She doesn't know who she really is, what she really wants and if the entire year of her being a civilian even made sense.

Czarina felt more alive in the past week, fighting and running around Europe than she has for the past half year.

She can take off tonight. Leave New York and go back to Bucharest, never look behind. She's always been good at running anyway. Intrusive thoughts creep up to the girl's head, all seem to tell her that everything would be better if she's away. It will be less of a burden to herself and Bucky as well. She can scurry off to some old European countryside, in an old city with no one to mind her presence. There, she can live out her days as hermit and

She exhales, taking in the coldness and night ambience of New York's midnight air. And under the skylights and bright stars of the city, the young super soldier once again contemplates her place in the new world that her mother died for. Nights like this makes her death even worse than it already is, Czarina misses her. She wants to see her again, to let herself sob on her arms and feel again.

She wants her mother to hold her and just... break.

Czarina still went home that night.

It was already late, past ten at the analog clock hanging by the kitchen wall. She didn't bother to greet or approach his father, whose brooding under the dim light of the

"It's late, where have you been?" Bucky's agitation is evident right at that moment. He halted his daughter from heading straight to her bedroom.

"Just at the library, I'm going to bed." The girl briefly responds in a muffled tone, her gaze low and avoidant. She tries to walk past her father but he refuses to step out of the way.

"Hey, Rina. I'm still talking to you," he calls out a bit louder to her. "I called Doctor Greene, she said you stormed out."

His daughter does not respond, she has a despondent look on her. "I'm tired. I just want to sleep."

Bucky didn't let that past, he held her back by the wrist to stop her from walking away. To which Czarina quickly responds by twisting away and slamming the back of her arm against his chest.

Bucky looks appalled and Czarina is repulsed. They stared at each other for a few good seconds, as if both were trying to make sense of the scuffle.

"Czarina?" The man reaches her with hand on her shoulder.

"I told you it's nothing!" Her shrieking is matched with loud stomps towards the bedroom door. She turns back to scream at him. "Just leave me alone!"

"No!"

The older Barnes shouts back and it is enough to ground the younger one, her ill fit stops abruptly and she slips into a moment of silence.

Her father's expression remains reserved but extremely imposing, there is a slight scowl on his face but he's far from looking provoked.

"What's happening? What's the problem? Just tell me, please."

She doesn't not respond until the silence between them has grown too unbearable.

"You let them take me from you," Czarina's voice breaks. Tears wells on her downcast eyes.

The words taste bitter rolling off her tongue, she is not a mindless child to throw a fit like this. She keeps telling herself she understands the predicament they faced after being given the pardon.

But it didn't hurt less.

"Mama is dead, Levi is dead and you let them take me."

Bucky looks at her daughter completely shattered. His expression is a mix of shock and heartbreak, unable to quite comprehend the words he's hearing from her. He remained breathlessly and unmoving from his stance.

Czarina begins to cry loudly. Quite like the first time Bucky first saw her on the dingy floor of the Red Room sparring room, sobbing from fresh bruises and cuts, screaming to be helped.

The man's stomach drops and he feels a familiar dread that never figures out how to soothe. His child is hurting.

"No, no, it's not like that! Oh god...," Bucky shakes his head and immediately takes his arms as she shakes uncontrollably from the sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should have never let them separate us."

Czarina doesn't say anything but her cries only grew louder and more child-like. Bucky can feel his chest tightening, his heavy breaths followed by silent sob as his eyes water as well.

"I'll never let anyone take you from me. I promised that before, remember?" His fingers run down his daughter's dark hair, softly patting it in hopes it will calm her down as it always does back then. "You don't have to go back to Boston, you'll stay with me here. We'll buy a house. We'll be a proper family. Just like how your Mama would have wanted."

"I thought you didn't want me anymore."

"No!" Bucky exclaims, sounding absolutely horrified by the idea that her daughter thinks that way. "Come on, malyshka . What's going on, why are you thinking like this again? It'll be okay, just tell me."

Czarina shakes her head in a slight refusal, not wanting to cause more bother to her father. She fears he won't be able to look at her the same again once he hears the truth.

"You'll hate me, Dad." She pulls away a bit to wipe her face.

"No." The older Barnes holds his daughter's face so they can look at each other's eyes. "I could never hate you."

The usual warmth in his gaze remains, his expression might be worried but there's not hint of anger or annoyance. Just an encouraging look to share the burden that's weighing down his child.

"I don't know how to live this way. I keep wanting to fight again."

The confession leaves a bitter taste on her mouth. She had to bury her face against his father's shoulder to combat the shame.

Bucky will hate her. After all those years of fighting tooth and nail to escape, for the light of freedom from killing and being mindless weapons. Only for her to turn around and say this. Czarina awaits for her father to push away, scream and tear her a new one for saying that. But second a second pass, then another... and he doesn't move an inch. The man remains embracing his kid.

Then he speaks. In a low tone, almost a whisper or a sob even.

"Me too, doll. Me too...," the man presses a kiss on his daughter's head.

"It's all we've ever known. They made sure of it. And then even after we escape, it's just one fight to another. Then it kept going, then we came back. And everything is so new and different again... your mom's gone, Levi's gone...".

Bucky had to pause to compose himself, Czarina can hear the shakiness in his voice. And then it was followed by tears. Their sobs sync as they embrace each other.

For the first time since they returned from the Snap and visited the graves of Natasha and Levi, the two Barnes share a vulnerable moment again. They suppress emotions flooding out from both of them.

"Hey," Bucky slips away from the embrace to face Czarina. The girl let go of her father to look up at him and hear what he had to say.

"I'm sorry I haven't been dad to you for the past months, I keep brushing things under the rug and... and just letting you be by yourself."

Bucky takes a deep breath before continuing. "It's just... I knew how to be a father when we were back there or when we were on the run... But here, in the city with a normal life... I didn't know how to be a dad to a nineteen year old college student who was miles away from me. I thought you'd want a life of your own... far from me."

"No!" Czarina quickly dismissed her father's doubts. "You'll always be my dad. We're family. We've always been, even when you didn't know who I was yet when you found me in the Red Room. Nothing can change that, dad."

The older Barnes looks like he's about to cry once again, his blue eyes shine with a softer light.

"Even this whole shit that went down after the Blip...," she shakes her head and let's out

"I guess I thought letting them decide will help me feel more... normal. "

Everything they thrusted upon her felt like the right path into being something that isn't too different. But she can't just completely abandon everything she was before. It's impossible.

"Maybe we don't have to be the normal everyone is. Maybe we have to find a way to live with what we've gone through, but still have a life that's new and different," Bucky's tone sounds less pessimistic. "We can't take back the terrible things that they made us do... but we can do good now."

"Meet things halfway...,"

"Yeah," he nods, though still sounding wistfully. "If we can't stop fighting then this time we fight for the good things in this world. We fight for a good cause now."

Tears of relief welled up on Czarina's eyes.

"We can.. do good. Right?"

"Yes, yes. Of course." Bucky takes his hand to hold the girl's reddened cheek. "And you have done good, Rina. Remember in Wakanda? We fought to protect the world. And now we're helping Sam to do the right thing."

Czarina suppresses her cries, instead she nods and smiles through the tears. He's right.

It was a painful journey. But she made it out and she's far from the person she was a decade ago. Maybe what she has to do now is learn how to live with parts of her former self that's still within her. She cannot completely erase it but she's something beyond it.

Not broken. Just a little different. And maybe it's not so bad. Because she's not alone with it. The person who understands her the most is still with her after all.