"My World" - @rantytings

Summary:

Moving school's five times is not something Aaliyah wanted, but it had to be done. She was always the smartest and most athletic female in her grade.

This being so, she always got into some sort of altercation. 

The potential she has is too good to go to waste, so her family always moves away when situations went awry.

She never really cared because she knew that people always hated her for reasons she didn't know.

Plus, moving shouldn't be too difficult this time, right?

Meet Travis, he's what you call the school's "loser". He has never missed a day of school, aced every test, top of every class, and still have time to tutor.

In other words, he's a goody two shoes, because of all this Travis falls victim to bullying, a lot of it, breaking him down to the shy and quiet boy that we know today.

But what happens when they meet?

Initial reaction:

This teen fiction makes my heart soar! The readers are introduced to the main characters: Travis and Aailyah. We find out that Travis love learning and wants to do everything as best as he can. He loves being on time for class. He has no friends. Then Aailyah becomes a new student. I love the fact that Aailyah protects Travis from the mean guy: Kaleb.

The readers watch as their relationship grows! (Maybe there's something more than a friendship? ;)

It's really good!

Strengths:

1. Narrative/Change in Point of View: In the first chapter, the readers meet Travis and we learn about his personality: "I mean, it was difficult material, but the rightamount of studying would guarantee that you pass any test."  These small opinions displays so much about Travis; how he believes in choices and anyone can do well if you put the time and energy. On the flip side, we also see in Aailyah's perception. We learn how fearless and how she's straight forward. With this change in point of view, the readers know something that the characters don't fully understand. We know that they both have insecurities and they're attractive to each other. It adds an extra element of connection with the readers to the characters. Well done!

2. Actions: I am in love with the body mannerisms. The simple descriptions on how the person talks, the movement, tone, and reaction helps the readers imagine the scene. Especially the scenes. Mannerisms explains each other their personalities as well. In chapter two, after when Travis gets injure by Kaleb's and his friend's punches and Aailyah takes Travis to the nurses place, " 'Come on, Travis I can't believe that you have been hiding this hot body from me?' His head snapped up, a blush crept up to his cheeks as he look[ed] away." Gosh, man! I love this! It displays two characterizations at the same time. We learn that Aailyah is honest and straightforward; whereas, Travis gets embarrassed by any mentions about his body. He's super cute and insecure about himself. Also, their relationship becomes light hearted and honest. They are adorable!

3. Tropes: I giggle throughout the first two chapters because I enjoy the fact the boy is the goodie two-shoes and the girl is the protective character. The switch in the trope adds a new persecutive and becomes its own voice. Even when the story takes a serious turn, in chapter three; the tropes continue. The sweet, innocent Travis is able to step in and help with the awful situation. This shows character development and also their relationship grows. They can help each other. It's really cool to see the relationship slowly sprout as they learn more!

Recommendation:

A few times, the narrative switches tenses. The narrative is in past. Sometimes there are moments of present tense in the narrative like in chapter one, when Travis is eating at lunch, "I always sat apart from everyone, every day. I have no friends, ..." and also in chapter two, when Aailyah asks for a volleyball tryout, "This is turning out to be a good day. I can't wait to tell Travis when he gets here."

The underline words are in present tense.

One suggestion would be whenever the narrative wants to be in present tense, you can put the sentence(s) in italicize that display the person's internal thought. The narrative can add in "Travis thought" or "Aailyah thought" at the end of the sentence(s) to confirm what's happening. Similar to what the narrative did earlier in the piece during chapter one when Travis thought: "Bruh, could he be more cliché?" 

This suggestion strengthens the narrative and dismisses any confusion for the readers as they connect closer to the characters. Plus, the internal thoughts can heighten their characterization. The readers can empathize and understand the characters.

This is a suggestion and few options.

I hope this helps! Thank you so much for your patience and support. I love to hear feedback on the feedback. Thank you!

~ Fallon Elizabeth ~