Octavian Augustus

Is it wrong that I was still skeptical of Thalia Grace and Luke Castellan?

The couple departed from Camp Jupiter shortly after lunch— Jason gave them a walk around tour before returning to the Caldecott Tunnel. They gave Jason the information on where they're staying and some Greek coins with instructions so he could get ahold of them if he wanted to talk or meet again before they leave California. If he was busy, they also gave him the address of Luke's apartment and of the Greek camp.

And like, as soon as he was off duty for the night, I noticed Jason in his room, packing a bag.

"Dude," I said, knocking on his open door. "What are you packing a bag for? It's after dinner and you're not on duty tonight."

"For New York," he told me, which made no sense initially. "Where Thalia lives? I want to get to see what my sis... Sibling's life looks like, and the solstice is next week! We could go there together and then get to go see Olympus before flying back! Luke says that sometimes Chiron brings the students on a field trip to Olympus for the solstice. Wouldn't that be cool? We could actually talk with our parents! I could meet my dad!"

Slowly, I nodded my head.

"Jason..." I started, wondering what I could say to not hurt him too severely. "I am glad that Thalia was able to come and you tell got to connect— he seems nice, but... You guys have known each other for a day. Olympus is cool, but I think you should sleep on this."

He narrowed his eyes, looking at me with skepticism as if I'm the one who suggested he go across the country with a pair of people he just met.

"What, do you not trust them?"

"Do I— that is not what I meant by that, Sparky." I defended myself. "I just mean that you should get to know the two of them more before you have to stay with them. I'm not talking months or years, but like, another day? Plus, you still have responsibilities here— you're praetor, you can't just run off whenever you want to. It doesn't have to be Senate approved, but Reyna deserves a heads up before you just decide to leave."

"I'm going to talk to Reyna about it at breakfast— I'm not just taking off in the middle of the night, Octavian." He promised me, which calmed my nerves slightly. "I still want you to come with, and I'm not going to tell you that we're leaving in an hour. I just... I don't know, I'm excited. Thalia and Luke aren't even leaving California for another day or two, so we have time you want... If you want to come. As messed up as their living situation sounds, I asked Reyna, and she said she had fun when she was there. Said the people were mostly nice. I want to..."

Looking down at his bag, Jason's voice trailed off.

"I mean, she's my only family, right?" The son of Jupiter figured, which I guess I hadn't thought of. "Like, my mom is dead, and I don't really... Remember much about her, and I don't think Thalia likes talking about her, but I still want to get to know Thalia. Like..."

He swallowed.

"Your family and your parents are wonderful, Octavian," he told me, getting into his head like he does almost every time family is brought up. "But if I have the chance to learn about... About where I'm from..."

How am I going to tell my parents where I'm going?

Would Reyna excuse me to go with Jason? I guess if not, Jason would. I could just say we're staying at Thalia's apartment.

They wouldn't want me staying in the Greek camp.

Which means I might have to lie to them about a lot of this.

I must've looked down or deep in though on my own as I tried to think through the logistics of a trip like this without the entire camp freaking out, because Jason looked back up and tilted his head.

"You're not mad, are you?" His question cut through my thoughts. "That I want to go to New York?"

"What? No." I insisted, walking closer to Jason, pulling him into a hug. "I'm not mad, I think going to New York would be fun."

"But?"

I sighed.

"But this is something I'll never be able to actually understand." I explained to my best friend. One of my only friends, really. "so I'm skeptical, sure, but I know that this isn't my sibling randomly showing up after like, 10 years. I grew up with my family, Jace, you grew up with my family. Even if my parents and I aren't best friends, they've always been there. If I seem skeptical, I'm just trying to be reasonable, even though you've probably already figured out 90% of what I'm skeptical about because you're just good at being like 8 steps ahead of me, which is why you're packing your bag now and not in two or three days when we're getting ready to leave."

I could feel Jason smile as he took a moment before responding

"I know you're trying to look out for me, I'm just... In my head." Jason insisted, taking a step back and steeling his expression because gods forbid he feels a negative emotion for longer than 30 seconds. He flipped the emotion switch in his brain off. "Thank you. Sorry that I got so anxious for a minute, I'm good now. I'll talk with Reyna tomorrow and I'll attempt to get ahold of Thalia to confirm when they're going back to New York. Once I have confirmation from both of them, I'll let you the plan. Sound good?"

Nodding my head, I wondered how to bring this up to Jason.

It's not a new issue— hell, he doesn't see it as an issue because it's what got him up climb the ranks so fast, but every time I see it, it worries me.

"Sounds good." I confirmed. "And you're sure you're good? Your sibling showing up is kind of a big deal, man, it's more than okay if you're still anxious or confused or nervous."

Jason shook his head, and for a moment I thought he was going to admit that he was anxious still.

"Hm? Oh, no, Octavian, I'm fine." My best friend told me, and the worst part is that I couldn't tell if he was lying or not because he's too good at concealing his emotions. "I had time to be anxious, you just saw it, and now it's over so I'm okay. Don't worry about me."

Is this man fucking insane?

"I... I mean it's my job as your best friend to worry at least a little, but I'll try." I responded, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "Make sure you get some sleep, man— I should head to the Barracks before I get yelled at by one of the centurions. The last thing I need is to be put on probatio right before we leave."

Leaving the Praetor House, I made my way towards the barracks, where I ran into the other, also new Praetor, who seemed to have just finished a conversation with Dakota from the Fifth Cohort.

"Octavian, hey!" Reyna said, waving as she approached me. "Did you just come from a Jason's?"

I nodded my head.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just curious." She insisted. "How's he doing? I haven't seen him since Thalia and Luke left, and I'm sure it's a lot for him. It was a lot for Thalia— she's been anxious about this every time I've spoken with them about it."

I shrugged.

"He says he's fine, but I think he's a little anxious— both nervous and excited." I answered the Praetor's question. "But he's always been that way— he lets himself feel his emotions for like five minutes and then he basically bottles them up. Did he talk about what his sibling suggested?"

"That he comes to visit? Yeah, Thalia mentioned it briefly during lunch as well, when I was still there." Reyna reminded me. "I assume he's going?"

"Yeah, he said he was going to talk to you about it tomorrow, but I'll probably go with just to make sure he likes... Come back? Not that he wouldn't, but..." I began. "Neither of us have really left camp for longer than an afternoon, and our skills with the mortal world aren't exactly great. Hopefully with two of us we can at least help each other. Plus, I'm curious about where they get their prophecies. We have all that remains of the Sibylline Books. But also why..."

I looked up at the daughter of Bellona, who has managed to climb the ranks faster than any other praetor in my entire lifetime.

"Why didn't you say anything before today?" I questioned. "Like, I get the surprise factor for Jason when it came to Thalia specifically, but why never mention that you were at the Greek camp before you arrived? That you like, knew they were still around?"

Reyna raised an eyebrow.

"I did, Octavian." She insisted, as if I should know that. "my first Senate meeting after getting off of probatio? I tried to tell the Senate about it after getting introduced and nobody took it seriously. Multiple senators told me that that couldn't be true because it's been hundreds of years since Greek demigods went extinct— as if they were an animal— and that they must've been toying with me. Jason was the one who nicely explained to me that they didn't exist due to the Pantheon shift. The Lares refused to talk to me. It wasn't difficult to get the message: don't talk about it, don't acknowledge it exists. I think you'll enjoy the camp, though— even if it's feels a bit unorthodox. Chaotic."

Crossing my arms, I tilted my head.

"What? Do you miss it?"

She shrugged..

"Sometimes, not always." She said, which I appreciated the honesty of. "I feel more at home here, but I think it would be... Beneficial if campers were able to rotate between the camps. I don't know how realistic it would be— a lot of attitudes would have to change before it happens, but... It's a goal."

"And is that why you were so determined to become praetor?"

Reyna seemed to debate her answer as we approached the doors or Cohort One's Barracks.

"One reason, yes." The daughter of Bellona confirmed. "I believe that peace is obtainable between the camps, and I think that Jason and I proof that it's possible to have positive connections with them."

"Oh? So you were banking on the fact that Jason would become praetor?"

Reyna chuckled.

"Octavian, Jason's the son of Jupiter and is meant to be the pride of Juno— the camp was always going to make him praetor. Our Camp is named after his dad— there wasn't any chance for any opponents of his. Why? You want my job? Envious that I get to spend time with Jason?"

I rolled my eyes.

For the last year or so, people have started to tease Jason and I, and even though Reyna wasn't here when it started to know why it started, she picked up on it pretty quickly.

The summary of what happened is that I came out as bi to my parents, and it went... Not great, but word spread about their reaction pretty quickly.

Their initial reaction was asking me if I was dating Jason— that's what spread around camp. Somebody overheard and misconstrued it to sound like I had a crush on Jason.

Before I could tell them we weren't together, my mom asked if Jason was the one who caused me to think I was gay (which isn't what I said I was) and it just turned into a long night of me trying to explain my identity to them and then them telling me that I shouldn't be that and that I shouldn't hang out with people who make me feel like it's okay to be gay or whatever.

But aren't you living in a city that worships gods who are all bisexual? How are they homophobic?

I don't know, but they are.

Obviously, Jason heard the rumors almost immediately. The next day I thought he was being more distant, but I didn't think about it because I'd spoken with my parents over dinner in New Rome. I hadn't been able to talk to him about how coming out went.

It was the day after that when we were hanging out, but he wouldn't look at me that I realized he heard something.

"Jace, dude," I said, well aware that he could see me standing right in front of him. "I never thought I'd have to say this, but my eyes are up here. What's going on? You're acting like we got in an argument or something. What's wrong?"

"What... I'm not even looking at your chest, don't say that." Jason insisted, looking up for a single second before looking back down towards the floor. "I just didn't know if you wanted to talk about it."

I gave him a weird look— not that he could tell.

"Talk? About what? Nothing's happened, dude. Unless you have something you want to tell me?"

"About the fact that you have a crush on me?" Jason pointed out, which made me want to fall through a non-existent hole in the floor. "over half of camp has heard about by now, Octavian— we're you just planning on not telling me? You even told your parents."

Who said I have a crush on him?

I mean, sure, it's not wrong, but I haven't told anyone...

"Wh— what?" I asked, crossing my arms as I could feel the shame burn inside of me. "That's not what... That's not what I told them."

He gave me a doubtful look.

"I didn't!" I insisted, because Jason was right: I wasn't going to tell him about my crush because I didn't want to have this conversation. This confrontation. This tension between us. "I don't know who told you that, Jason, who started it, but it's not..."

I lost my voice, biting down on my lip.

Don't lose it, Octavian. I told myself. He doesn't know.

"When I came out, the first thing my parents asked me is if we were together— if we were dating." I informed the son of Jupiter. "and then they immediately asked if you made me think I was gay or if you made me think it was okay to be gay and I told them no because we're not together and you didn't influence me or whatever they think it is you did."

Still skeptical, Jason actually looked at me, which felt like a miracle.

"So you don't like me?"

And it was a lie, but I never intended on telling him with truth, so I nodded.

"Oh, thank the gods, I didn't know what I was going to do if you did." Jason said, breathing easier and just confirming everything I didn't want to be reminded of after the other day. "I didn't want things to have to be weird between us because of that. Glad we're on the same page. Your parents didn't take it well, then?"

I shook my head.

"Aw, man, that sucks." Which again, was something I didn't need to be reminded about, because I didn't want to talk about it yet. "Do you want to go slash some dummies and then get some hot chocolate afterwards?"

And as fun as that idea was, the addition of going for hot chocolate afterwards made it sound like a date, and thus made the entire thing sound like torture.

"I'm good, but thanks. I should probably go check on inventory in the auguries." I pulled that excuse directly out of my ass, and to this day, I don't know if Jason could tell. "I'll see you later, Jason."

Plus, I was a lot more sad about the rejection than I was mad about my parents.

The next month after that was pure hell, more or less, because people kept asking if we were together and we had to keep explaining to them that, no, we weren't together. We were just friends.

That's all Jason could see me as. A friend.

After a month or so, it became a running joke around the camp that were the couple that never happened or that we are secretly an old married couple, and it makes me feel like shit, if I'm being honest, but Jason just flushes or rolls his eyes and laughs it off. If he blushes, it's because he's embarrassed that somebody is asking, not because it has any truth to it.

And try as I might and try as I have, I can't fucking get over him, so I've just been tortured and teased by the majority of camp for the last year or so and I try not to let it get to me but...

But sometimes it hurts that the first thing Jason said was oh, thank gods, when I told him that I didn't have a crush on him.

Sometimes, like today, he suggests things that best friends can do but couples definitely would do, like go on a trip across the country together, and I have to remind myself that he's not trying to lead me on.

Sometimes people still insinuate or make jokes about one of us liking the other and it caused a ball to get stuck in my throat because it just reminds me of what he said that day.

"Yeah, whatever, Reyna." I told the daughter of Bellona, trying to remind myself that she doesn't even know the story behind the joke. She's just trying to be nice.

And, in a further effort to try and be nice, she furled a brow and tilted her head to the side. I wasn't looking directly at her, but I could still sense her concern. Her confusion.

"Oh, I'm... I'm sorry." She apologized, which is the first time somebody has apologized to me for assuming or joking about Jason and I. "I just meant that because you guys hang out a lot... I know that people sometimes crack jokes or make comments because you guys are like, attached at the hip. I didn't mean to... To hit on something sensitive. My bad. I'm sorry again."

I shrugged.

"It's fine," I insisted, closing my eyes because it shouldn't hurt to think about it, but it does. I crossed my arms again, trying to hold all of my emotions inside of me because Reyna and I aren't that close. Our connection is Jason. "You weren't here when that started, so I don't expect you to know about it. It's just... It's fine."

Please have somewhere else to go, I thought to myself, which I know was horrible, but I really just wanted to be alone so I could release the ball in my chest and then feel like shit about this entire situation all over again and then go to bed way too late because I stayed up overthinking everything that I've ever done.

If I ever meet Venus, I might have to fistfight her.

"Octavian," Reyna said in a soft voice as I jumped, feeling her hand touch my shoulder. It didn't seem to phase her. "You just got done telling me that Jason always represses his feelings— you don't have to do the same thing."

But if I move, I thought, I'm going to fall apart.

"Come on," the praetor insisted, pulling on my shoulder just a little, taking a step away. "Let's go on a walk— I'll make sure you don't get in trouble with your centurion."

Taking a minute, I forced a breath and started to walk with the daughter of Bellona.

For a few minutes, Reyna and I walked in silence. Being a couple hours after supper now, most campers were getting ready for bed, so we didn't see anyone out and about around camp besides one or two people who seemed to be coming back from New Rome or were getting things from places like the armory. Nobody came up to ask Reyna or I any questions.

"So I definitely hit a sore spot," Reyna said, breaking the silence as we walked past the mess hall. "Which again, sorry. But do you want to talk about it? I always assumed the joke just came from the fact that you two were best friends and hung out all the time, but is there an actual story to it?"

At the bank of the Little Tiber, I sat down, letting my feet relax in the water. I nodded my head as Reyna sat to join me, crossing her legs so as not to get her feet wet.

"About a year ago, I came out to my parents as bi, a few weeks after I came out to Jason and a couple other campers." I retold the story for her. "And my parents took it terribly, which is another story, but their first reaction was to ask if Jason and I were dating."

I paused.

"We weren't, so I said no, and we just spent the rest of the night arguing about the fact that I was bi." I summarized. "but somebody from camp must've overheard us and then also misunderstood our conversation, because the next thing I knew, rumors were being soread that I had a crush on Jason."

"But you... Didn't?" She guessed.

But it was only a guess. I looked down.

"I did, but I literally hadn't told anyone about it, which is what made it so frustrating." I told Reyna, who just nodded her head, encouraging me to continue talking. "I knew he didn't reciprocate the feelings because I'm pretty sure that he's straight, which is... Is fine."

"But?"

I sighed.

"But he still heard the rumor." I went on, hugging myself again. "and the first day, I didn't think about the fact that he was being distant, but the second day he like, wouldn't look at me, and so I asked him why he wasn't looking at me and..."

Looking down, it was hard to see because it was dark out, but I could just barely see myself in the reflection of the water.

"And he brought it up, and told him what actually happened between my parents and I, and he asked if I liked him regardless of the rumor and I... I said no, I didn't, because I didn't want things to be awkward or to just... Change for the worse, you know?"

In the corner of my eye, I could see Reyna nod her head.

"But why... How unlovable do I have to be for his first response to be oh, thank gods?" I asked Reyna, seeing her shoulders drop as mine tensed up. "For the idea of us being together, of me just having a crush on him— for that to be unthinkable to Jason?"

And there is no response, so when Reyna opened her mouth, I expected the silence that came with it.

"For a month after that, kids would constantly be asking if we were together or they'd be asking why we haven't gone out yet and it was like getting rejected for a month straight and it's like..." I went on, pulling my legs in so I could rest my head on my knees. "like, people have asked us or teased us about it so many times that Jason just got used to it and he'd roll his eyes or correct them quick or..."

I shrugged.

"It's not like I can be mad at him— I chose not to tell him about it because I thought it would be easier to deal with," I rationalized, wondering if that was a bad call from the start. "but it's been a year and I'm still not over him, as much as I've tried to move on, I can't, and even though it's been a year, people haven't stopped joking or teasing us and when they do that, it just reminds me of what he said and everything else he's said that's related to that and I try to not let it get to me, but sometimes it makes me feel like shit because if my best friend can't even fathom the idea of us being together in a reality where he's into men then like..."

I shrugged, wiping my face with my forearm.

"Then who could, you know?"

Taking me by surprise, I felt Reyna's arms wrap around me from behind, her head resting on my back.

"Oh, Octavian," the daughter of Bellona who probably had better things to do with her time responded. "I'm sorry that Jason's caused you this much pain just because you were trying to protect yourself. For what it's worth, we've only know each other for six months, but I think you're really nice. I've literally never had a crush on anyone, and dating and romance honestly confuses me, but I think that one day, you'll find somebody who appreciates your waryness and talkativeness and everything else that makes you, you."

I cracked a smile, appreciative of her words of wisdom— even though she has no experience.

"Thanks, Reyna." I said, feeling my body calm down thanks to her hug. "I don't know if they're here, but... Maybe one day."

After all, being a descendant from a family that's well off... Has it's pros and it's cons.

The obvious pros are that I was immediately accepted into the first cohort and admitted to work in the auguries. I was able to start off on a better foot than a lot of campers. Also, I can see my parents basically whenever I want to, since they live in New Rome.

The cons are that almost all of the other campers hate me because I don't have to try to work for anything and I don't blame their frustration but like...

It's lonely.

Jason's my only friend, and I'm terrified of losing him.

I looked back at the daughter of Bellona, the rest of her response processing in my mind.

"You've never had a crush on anyone?"