Percy Jackson

(his mental health is not getting better)
(it's actually getting worse, so you can imagine the things that might come up)
(this is a trigger warning)

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Mom asked me as we waited in the car for Thalia and Annabeth at the bottom of Half Blood Hill. "I know you want to be helpful, sweetie, but you just got home."

"It's okay, Mom," I insisted, not completely believing myself. "At least this way I get to see Grover for longer than a few hours, and Thalia's pretty chill, too. We're bringing a couple demigods to camp. It's nothing crazy, Grover just needs help because it's more than one kid and he suspects a monster or two in the school."

"Are you sure?" She asked again. "Because I can drop you off at home and bring to girls to Maine if you're not."

"I swear it'll be fine— if it wasn't Grover, I wouldn't go. It's only been like two months, but I miss him. It won't take us long. I promise I'll have time to be at home and relax before school starts again. And before the party."

"Okay," she said, handing me one of the blue cookies she'd brought with for our long drive today. "But if you change your mind at all, tell me, okay? If you don't want the girls knowing, we'll make it seem like something else."

Nodding my head, I promised I'd let my mom know if I changed my mind at all, though I doubted I would.

You see, after Tyson left, it was a rough summer. I got like, really into my head that night and skipped campfire because I was spiraling. I was trapped in the mindset that I was alone and that as soon as things felt okay, somebody left again and it was this feeling that, even though I had a boyfriend and I'd made a new friend during the quest, I was going to be alone forever because, eventually, everyone would leave.

Having the mental link, Grover could sense the fact that I was spiraling, but he wasn't able to get to my cabin until towards the end of campfire because he'd been presenting the findings of his search to the Counsel of Cloven Elders that night right after dinner, and by the time he got there...

By the time he got there, it was too late.

I was alive, and I didn't try to kill myself (because of the mental link), but it was the first time that I cut myself. On purpose.

Or at least, the first time in a while.

I honestly don't know what felt worse: actually cutting or watching Grover realize that the wounds couldn't have been caused by any type or monster.

The rest of summer, I was kept on close watch. Grover stayed over or I went to Grover's a lot.

It wasn't required that I had somebody else in the cabin at first, but in late July there was a night where I was alone and it wasn't anyone's fault. People were busy and I thought I'd be fine so I didn't go to the Big House.

But then I had a nightmare that Grover found out that I was working with Luke and he hated me because of it and I had to go to the infirmary for the things I did to myself that night. Because I thought the dream happened for a little too long.

When Grover came by way too early in the morning— at like 4am (I'd gone to the infirmary around 3 and Mr. D and Chiron both insisted I had to stay the night just in case), it took me too long to realize that he didn't hate me.

I did have to ask him.

Thalia and I hung out a little bit throughout the summer— we get along pretty good, though she can annoy me in a sort of sister-like way at times. Since we're both alone in our cabins, she'd stay over pretty often. Sometimes it'd just be the two of us (which is technically against the rules but Mr. D and Chiron both know I'm gay and depressed so they let it slide), or sometimes we'd do bigger sleepovers with Grover and Clarisse and Silena or Annabeth. A combination. Even Beckendorf came over a few times this summer!

By the end of summer, things weren't awful, and since Grover wasn't approved to go on another search yet (mostly because he hasn't asked yet because he had to spend a lot of his summer worrying about me), I didn't have to have a crisis about him leaving.

School is what kicked my ass this year.

For the 8th time in 8 years, I had to start at a new school— another immersion school that my parents hoped would be better than the last one.

But unlike every other year, I didn't find that one friend that I usually make sometime in the first few weeks of school.

I tried to. I joined the swim team this year because my therapist says that exercise helps with depression and I tried to befriend a couple kids on the team, but... I don't know if it's that my Portuguese isn't as good as theirs or what, but they didn't want to hang out outside of practice.

Luckily, I was able to hang out with Grover, Luke, and Thalia outside of school. Not all at once, obviously. Grover and I called at least once a week if we weren't visiting each other, and Thalia usually stopped by for a bit either on her way to or from Luke's. I still train with Luke and every once in a while we'll do other stuff together.

Even with them, though, school was just hard in general and not being able to understand why I couldn't make friends made it even harder.

And then Grover got assigned to a keeper job. Which isn't the end of the world, we still talk once or twice a week and my parents are super cool so there was one day last month where got to hang out in person for an afternoon. Go on a date.

But with him being around less, some of my motivation dies.

And then fall turns into winter.

And it gets cold.

Seasonal depression sets in on top of the regular depression.

And without somebody who can possibly notice it because he's laying in the same bed as me, I have a bad night and I cut again.

But this time, I don't tell anyone about it. Because I don't want them to worry.

So I do it again. And again. And again.

Until one night, when my parents are out on a date and they come home before I can pull myself together and bandage my wounds because I refuse to heal them with water or ambrosia.

That night was two and a half weeks ago. 19 days ago, to be exact.

Because I was covered in blood, they ended up bringing me into the hospital, initially thinking I'd been attacked by a monster because of the placement of the cuts.

What I told the doctor automatically got me an overnight hold in the hospital to be transported to an in patient mental facility the next morning after breakfast.

Fun fact: the mental facility had a demigod on staff so Iris Messages were included in the whole "limited phone calls and texting" thing.

Limited meant that I couldn't make them.

So, after a few weeks, they said it's was safe for me to go home. I got home two nights ago and Thalia stopped by yesterday afternoon to ask if I had talked to Grover and if I was going with to Maine.

I said that I've been having issues with IM so we haven't been able to talk this week, but if he needs help, I'm going to Maine.

Mom heard the conversation and offered to drive immediately.

Which brings us to now. Winter break.

None of my friends know that I just spent two weeks in an in patient facility because the only thing keeping me from killing myself was knowing that if I did it, Grover would die as well.

Yes, Grover was able to tell that I wasn't doing well, but I didn't want him to freak out so I tried to make it seem not as bad as it was and I think it worked.

Oh, also, I haven't seen or heard from Tyson since he left.

I try not to think about it.

"Hey! Thank you again for driving, Ms. Jackson," Annabeth said as her and Thalia got into the back seat. She nudged the back of my seat, sitting behind me. "Hey, Seaweed Brain, you're alive!"

Go back to calling me that all the time and I'm going to go back to wishing I wasn't.

I let off a weak smile.

"Sure am." I said, which I guess was fair to see my mom look a little concerned in response to that. "you sound surprised."

"Grover's just been super worried that his calls aren't going through," the daughter of Athena explained, which made sense. That's what Thalia had mentioned the day before. "We had to calm him down and convince him that you weren't in a coma one day—he's been freaking out. What happened?"

"Wh..." I started, debating what I wanted to tell him.

But then again, looking down at my wrist, I was still wearing the bracelet because I always wear bracelets from places until they like, fall off.

It's weird, but I've always done it.

"I haven't been able to make or accept IMs," I started off, deciding that I didn't want to go into what really happened with the girls sitting behind me. "I uh... I haven't figured out why yet. I sent him like two letters, but maybe I have the wrong address for his dorm? It started like, 2½ weeks ago."

"And you guys will get to see each other soon." Mom promised me, holding the Tupperware container of sweets between the seats. "Would either of you like a snack? It's a long drive to Maine—  I figure we'll go through a drive through for dinner? It'll be around 7 when we get there."

"Ooh, yes! I love your cookies, Sally." Thalia said, taking the container almost immediately. "Also, I've been meaning to ask, but I don't want to sound rude: are you pregnant?"

"I am!" My mom told the others news that I found out about a month ago. "We haven't made a big announcement about it yet, but we will be in a few weeks. We were originally going to announce it on our anniversary, but some plans fell through, so now we're going to do it at New Year's. We're throwing a party if you want to come! I feel like it's not often you get to dress up at camp."

"Oh, I'd love to go!" Thalia insisted. "Would Luke be able to come as well? I don't know if you've met him or not, he was at camp Percy's first summer."

"Hm?" Mom asked initially, and I gave her a look reminding her that Annabeth doesn't know that Luke and I train together. "Oh, yeah! I've met him a couple of times— he's brought over things from time to time to see if Percy likes or wants any of it. We'll bring him sweets or food occasionally since he's a broke college student right now. He's more than welcome."

"I'll be there, too!" Annabeth told my mom as we started to drive away. "it's been a long time since I've seen Luke and I'm curious about that a Jackson party looks like."

You and me both, I thought, because this is definitely the first time my parents have hosted a large party.

They're both really excited, though, so I'm also kind of excited.

We're looking at getting a new apartment (probably in the same building) as well because having a baby sibling means we'll want another room for her to have. So it's a lot of exciting, big things happening right now.

I'm trying to stay chill and relaxed and okay through it and I'm barely managing, but it's okay.

That's why I have a therapist.

•••

The drive to Westover Hall in southern Maine was way too long, even for a gay teenage boy being in a car with three women who are almost all straight.

I say almost because I think Thalia's bi but I have no proof.

She's just too punk to be cishet.

The school itself was in the middle of fucking nowhere, which started to make sense when I realized that it was a military school.

"Thank you, Mrs. Jackson!" Annabeth said as her and Thalia got out of the car. "See you in a couple weeks!"

"It was my pleasure, dear," Mom told Annabeth, looking at me pointedly, a silent question: will you be okay?

Nodding my head, I gave her a hug.

"I'll be back in time to help with the party," I promised her. "love you, Mom."

"Love you, Perce." She said, giving me a kiss on the top of my head. "Go kick some monster butt."

Grabbing my backpack, I got out of the car and caught up to Thalia Grace and Annabeth Chase, standing in front of the entrance of Westover Hall.

"Alright," Thalia said. "Let's go track down some demigods."