Percy Jackson

Something about how Travis responded to me apologizing about not being out just rubbed me the wrong way.

I don't know why, it just did.

Maybe it's just because I feel guilty for making us have to be sneaky. I want a relationship, but I'm not mentally ready for the entire camp to know about it— and I can tell that if we're going to be together, he wants to tell everyone about it.

Maybe after I come out to Grover it'll feel easier.

I hope so.

I miss him.

For the remainder of our first date, I tried to not think too hard about the things that Travis said that sounded a bit off or sounded not quite truthful to me (because I guess I'm called Seaweed Brain for a reason), and I think I was convincing enough for him.

The hoodie was nice, though.

The apology was nice.

Knowing that Connor had to kick him out for it to happen wasn't.

During morning activities, I felt pretty sluggish and kind of shitty still. I could vaguely sense that Grover was stressed, but Mr. D and the new dude were both busy with new campers so I couldn't just ask for a quest at the moment.

Also, Tyson was really excited about all of the new things he could do, which was just... a lot. For me.

After metalworks, I was slowly packing my things up before I'd have to head to lunch. I told Tyson he could run ahead and I'd meet him at the pavilion.

I just needed a minute.

"Hey, Perce," Charles Beckendorf's voice pulled me away from my thoughts. I looked up at the larger demigod. "you doing alright, man? I know getting a new sibling can be a lot— I was an only sibling before I came to camp. Tyson seems cool, though."

"Hm?" I responded, his statement taking time to process. "Oh, yeah, um... yeah. Tyson's cool, we went to school together this year, so I know him pretty well. There's just... a lot going on. Right now."

"Yeah?" He responded, helping me clean up. "you did seem kind of out of it at the meeting last night— anything to do with that?"

Struggling to form a thought, much less a sentence, I shrugged before I nodded.

"I— guess, yeah." I figured, worried that the more I thought about the events of the last 36 or so hours, the harder it would be to not have a panic attack or a mental breakdown or something along those lines. "I don't know, I... don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here."

But the fact of the matter seemed to surprise the counselor of the Hephaestus cabin, who told his cabinmates— who were all finished cleaning up, to head to lunch.

Which meant it was just us.

Which made me even more anxious.

My heart was going to explode in the worst way possible.

"What do you mean you shouldn't or don't want to be here?"

But that's a question only my therapist should be able to ask. It initiated my fight or flight because Beckendorf is far from the first person to ask me that question.

"I... don't know." And it was half a lie, because there were reasons, but suddenly talking was a lot harder to do than it was a couple minutes ago. "just... yeah. It's stupid."

But that wasn't going to work in the sun is Hephaestus.

"It... Percy, whatever it is that's making you feel like you shouldn't be here isn't stupid. What's going on?"

But the thought of opening my mouth prompted another thought:

He's not going to care by the end of summer.

"Percy? You're not having a panic attack, are you? Do you want me to get Mr. D or Lee?"

"Hm? Oh, no, you don't have to... do that." I insisted. "Sorry, it's just... not easy. To talk. Um..." I took another breath, trying to not have a panic attack. "sorry. Walking into the Big House for the meeting last night was a lot because I felt really out of place and like nobody actually wanted me there because I don't really have any friends here now that Grover is like, in danger and I'm just... it's just still there. People also have just... been really mean about Tyson and it just makes it worse."

I could feel my bones vibrating.

"Oh," but I don't think Beckendorf expected me to actually say anything about it. He seemed surprised. "I'm... sorry that we made you feel that way. I know we haven't hung out much, but I think you're cool. Clarisse is just an asshole. I thought you and Travis were friends, though. Annabeth? You guys went on the quest together."

"And spent like half of it arguing with each other," I explained. "she's really nice sometimes, but other times we can't stand each other so I don't know... where we stand. As for Travis, it's... a mess, I guess you would say?"

"A mess?"

I took a breath, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall.

"We were friends last summer," I confirmed Beckendorf's suspicions. "but we were also like... kind of more than friends? He was really flirty when we started to hang out and I didn't mind it and I rolled with it and I was okay being like, friends with benefits. We'd do like, movie nights and he'd stay over a lot. Luke gave us shit a lot because he was one of the only people that knew about it."

Humming, the counselor prompted me to go on.

"And obviously I'm not like... out, so I was fine with the arrangement of just hanging out in my cabin," I went on, feeling a ball start to form in my ribs. "but when they sent out the letters about staying year around or going home, Travis asked me what my plans were for visiting home and I corrected him and said I was going to stay at home and visit camp when I could— for sure over Christmas break, but hopefully like once a month. And if he ever came into the city, we could hang out and I could like, introduced him to my parents, so that was I could actually come out to my parents. I know they're supportive, but I haven't come out because I just... haven't had a reason."

"Makes sense." Beckendorf responded.

"Yeah," I agreed. "but after I said that I wasn't staying here, Travis like, pulled away and insisted that we should take a break from hanging out and it just... felt like it came out of nowhere."

Nodding his head, Beckendorf agreed that that seemed pretty random.

"So fast forward to after the meeting yesterday," I continued to explain. "Travis comes knocking on my cabin door and he starts to apologize for what happened and he insisted that it's not like he wanted to break up, even though we weren't dating, but because of the stupid fucking prophecy that I might be apart of, he was worried that if I left camp I might never come back and do I insisted that if he wanted to continue things, which he did, we were either only friends or we're dating because the ambiguity of it was going to drive me crazy and he seemed really genuine and long story short we went on a date this morning, which was nice, but then during it he mentioned that Connor basically kicked him out of their cabin last night because he noticed that I was in a shitty mood so like he..."

I held my breath for a moment.

"On one hand, his apology seemed genuine and it's nice to have somebody to lean on," I concluded. "On the other hand, he didn't go on his own will, and I keep thinking about the possibility that he's going to do the same exact thing at the end of this summer even though Ive only been here for a day, so I don't know how to actually feel about it because I want to trust him, but what happened last year really hurt and I don't want to go through it again. And just to make matters worse, my best friend is in danger and Mr. D and the new guy are too busy for me to ask for a rescue mission or a quest or whatever would be needed to see him again because I miss him. Travis has nothing to do with that, it just... makes me even more anxious."

"You do seem to be extremely anxious right now," Beckendorf responded, thinking to himself. "It's not an easy situation, man. I'm sorry that you're like, stuck in the middle of all of that. It's hard to know for sure what Travis' intentions are, but if you're anxious enough that you're seriously worried he's going to pull the same thing this year, regardless of what he tells you, I don't think it's smart to continue dating him. You'll just spend the whole time wondering when he's gonna pull the rug out. But after the chariot races tonight, Mr. D and Quintus should have some free time! You could ask about a quest during campfire!"

Who the fuck is Quintus?

"Chariot races?" But I'd definitely missed that in the schedule. "Wh... when is that? When did they add that to the schedule?"

Based on his expression, Beckendorf seemed concerned that this was news for me.

"When... at the meeting, last night." He told me, which explained why I didn't know about it. "you and Annabeth are on a team for cabins 3 and 6. You responded saying yeah when somebody asked you and Annabeth if tht was okay. Do you not..."

I shrugged.

"I zoned out pretty badly at the meeting," I admitted. "I had a panic attack in the bathroom beforehand so I wasn't really... all there. I don't really remember any of it. The new guys name is Quintus?"

"Y... yeah." But now it was obvious that I had made Beckendorf worry, which wasn't my goal, but it was stupid of me to think that that wouldn't happen. "come on, let's go get some lunch. Maybe food will make you feel better."

•••

Food did not make me feel better.

Well, it did, temporarily. But then I got overwhelmed by the amount of people and noise at the pavilion for lunch and the healing affect that the food had on me went to waste.

On the bright side, Tyson was able to tell that I still felt like shit so he wasn't being overly talkative. Just a regular level of talkative. Filling the silence.

After Tyson had finished eating, Annabeth walked over with a few books and a pencil case, scooting in to sit across from me.

"You're not..." I began, because that was against the rules.

"Lunch is basically over," the daughter of Athena insisted, ignoring the looks she was definitely getting from other campers that I was also getting that made me not want to be here in a different kind of way than before. "it's fine, Chiron's not even here. We need to talk about what we're doing for this afternoon."

"For... what?"

"For the chariot races?" She said in that slow, obvious tone she uses when she's debating if she should get away with calling me stupid. "we're on the same team, remember?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah, Beckendorf told me about that."

"Beckendorf... Percy, you were at the meeting when Quintus announced it," she pointed out, which, objectively, was true. "you verbally agreed to be on a team with me, what do you mean Beckendorf told you?"

I shrugged.

"I also was checked out for the entirety of the meeting," I pointed out. "I know I told you guys about my mental link with Grover and after that it's a blur at best. Luckily, Beckendorf mentioned it to my on our way to lunch from metalworking today."

"So you had no..." Annabeth stopped herself, exhaling. "Are you okay, Percy? Between that and now you seem... I thought you'd be in a good mood today, all things considered."

"I've... been on the verge of a panic attack or maybe a meltdown, I'm not sure, since half way through breakfast," I admitted, which had her attention like it caught Beckendorf's earlier. "Mhm. I'm doing great. Definitely want to be here. Definitely am not worried about Grover. Definitely am not worried about stuff with Travis. I'm doing wonderful. I've never been better."

But I wouldn't mind never waking up again.

"You— okay," Annabeth took another breath, probably because I'm a lot to deal with right now, and I'm too much of an idiot to know how to handle myself right now. "How about the three of us go to your cabin and we can talk about the race there, okay? I already have my cabin building something, so we just have to discuss a plan for the actual race. But at least if you have a panic attack, you can have it in your bed."

And you know what? That was the nicest thing Annabeth has ever done for me, because I did eventually have a panic attack when I tried to read the blueprint Annabeth had for our chariot.

The fact that I didn't turn blue was a miracle, considering the fact that I felt like I couldn't breathe for about twenty minutes.

"—brother?" Tyson's voice eventually broke me from the episode, as I found myself hugging a blanket that Travis gave me last year, my knees held against my chest.

"Hey, you can hear us," but somehow, Annabeth noticed my change in awareness almost immediately as I set the blanket down because I... don't know how to feel about it about. "sorry that the blueprint overwhelmed you, I figured that it was fine since I wrote it all in ancient Greek but... I suppose it's still a lot. Are you okay?"

I shrugged.

"I'm here."

She looked at me skeptically.

"You... sound like you don't want to be here."

But what can I say?

"I mean, it's not like I jumped off the St. Louis Arch for fun last summer."

That apparently wasn't the right thing to say. It visibly overwhelmed Annabeth for like two seconds as I remembered that she didn't hear that breakdown in the circus truck— it was just Grover.

Meaning Annabeth wouldn't have known that I was so fucking irritated on the quest last summer because of...

"Oh." She sounded overwhelmed, and I guess I don't blame her. "You're suicidal, okay. Cool. So that wasn't just you hoping to land in the water, got it, um... that explains why you didn't care about arguing with a literal god. Do you—"

She stopped herself.

"Not that it's any of my business," the slightly older demigod prefaced. "but since Grover isn't here and you don't have any siblings that are emotionally developed enough to understand, I'm going to ask and make it my business: did something happen this morning with you and Travis? I know you also felt like shit at the meeting, but I ran into him at the camp store before breakfast since a few new kids needed shampoo and towels and he was like, a very bad liar about it. But he seemed excited about a breakfast date. A little nervous because I figured it out, but excited. Did it not go well? Is that making you more anxious?"

"It... was fine? I guess?"

"You guess?"

Taking a breath, I told Annabeth what I told Beckendorf— how I was happy and excited to go on the date, but the moment Travis mentioned that he was kicked out of his cabin the night before, it kickstarted my worries that he was only doing this because he just wanted to be able to be kind of affectionate and not because he actually wanted to be together, and that he only apologized because he felt like he had to and not like he should have or wanted to and that he might just do the same thing again this August.

Oh, and then there's everything else.

I haven't said much about it because what's there to say, but the kids continue to be asses about Tyson. They wouldn't shut up about it during lunch, which is what pushed my anxiety to the levels of finally having the stupid anxiety attack.

Oh, and the entire camp is on high alert because the borders are down.

And Chiron is gone. And Mr. D is busy. And a million other little things that make me wish I could go into a coma tonight.

You'll get there. Travis told me.

Not that it was okay. Not that we'd figure it out.

Just that I'll get there.

But if every day feels like this, I don't think I will.

I miss my best friend.

"Percy?" Annabeth asked, standing up. "Come on, let's go talk to Mr. D."

Hopefully he'd be able to give me a quest.

•••

Two chapters in one night? Y'all are spoiled

Anyways zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz