Sometimes I want to be hurted physically. I want to bleed. I want to feel all the pain on my body. I want that really much, because this distracts me from thinking. From remembering. From hearing all the words. Because the pain of these things are so unbearable. They let me going crazy. They let me feeling worthless. They remind me of being destroyed. And I don't want to be reminded of that fact.
Because I laugh every day, I put a mask on my face and continue living my life. And I tell me every day, how good I feel. And I hate me for doing this. But I don't have another option. Or maybe yes, I have one. I have many ones. But for me exists just that one.
I have tried many ways, but this way is the easiest one. And even if the power of that way is the biggest und the destructivst, and even if I know that very well, I would always choice that one. Because it's the easiest one. And with that way I can hold me up. I can live in my fantasy world. I can pretend something. And I can do it so fucking good, that I believe myself in that in the end. Maybe.
This is my hope. Even if every hope dies in the end. I won't stop hoping. Even if I know all the consequences.
I will do it nevertheless.
Because I don't have another chance. Because for me nothing could be worse. Nothing.