You all want me to be happy.
I don't know if you really mean it or just say it because it should be said in such situations.
I really don't know.
You all say that I can manage to be happy if I truely fight for it and if I really believe in the happiness.
And maybe you are right.
I don't know.
You say that laughing and being happy is such an incredible feeling and experience.
You say that these things create my life style.
And maybe you are right.
Or not.
I don't know.
I really don't know which one is true.
Or if it is not true.
You say that there is always a solution to a problem.
You say that there has always been found a solution.
And maybe you are right.
Maybe it is true that there have been found answers to questions. And helps to needs. And peace to war.
Maybe this is true.
Maybe it has been managed to achieve all these things till now.
And maybe we cannot know what it going on now.
We don't know what is coming next.
We are living in uncertainty.
And maybe everything is right.
And maybe it isn't.
I don't know.
But there is something I need to tell you.
There is something I certainly know.
I have always known this.
And I still do.

I don't want to be happy.
I do not want to be happy.
I just do not want that.
I do not want all these things you are telling me about.
I absolutely do NOT want this.

All the time I tried to escape.
But you all didn't allow me to.

Because you all expected me to fight,
to go on,
to not give up,
to search for something, to desperately look for something which I don't know what it should be.
You want me to find something which makes me feel complete.
But you haver never understood me.
You have even never tried to.
You cared about these things but you actually didn't care about what I am going through.
You just wanted me to follow your stupid, monotonous rules which everyone in our society have followed and -much worse- HAVE to follow.
You have wanted me to act the same way.

But I didn't.
I don't.
I do not.
And I will not do.

Please be sure of that.
Just make sure that you stop trying to do something impossible by acting the way everyone does and by pretending to care about me when you actually don't care.
Just make sure that I also do not care.
I am not happy.
But I will keep on pretending to be happy.
I will keep on going out and saying that I am fine and happy.
I will keep on telling things.
And nobody would know the truth.
Because they do not want to hear the truth.
They even do not want me to tell them the truth.
They do not expect the truth.
They want to live in illusions which no one should destroy.
And I will keep on pretending that everything is fine.
Even if it isn't.
As I said, nobody will ever find out.

I will be happy.
Or not.
You will not know.
And I will keep on.

I will never want to be happy.
And I will be completely okay with this.
I have accepted this.
And I will keep on.